There were a group of a hundred girls we were meeting before the show, recipients of the free tickets. I met them in the arena, before the rest of the concert-goers were permitted entry. It was the only place we’d all fit. I hugged and took photos with all of them. I recognised some of them from my lurking, and saying their names, letting them know I remembered them seemed to mean so much to them.
I met a pair of siblings, a brother and sister, who had both fallen in love with the album and begged their parents for tickets but couldn’t afford it. Their mother had seen the notice for low-income families and applied. She hugged me just as tightly as they did and thanked me. “I’m so glad you’re here,” I answered.
I met a girl, sixteen years old, who’d recently gone into remission from leukaemia. She told me, “I listened to your album every day and it took me away from the hospital and my bed.” I hugged her tightly until Sabra told me we had to get ready.
As I said goodbye to them, they looked so sad to see me go. I was just as sad to leave them. I told myself I had to be better for them. I had to.
As they started letting people into the area, there was a low rumble. Their footsteps and their voices all blended together. Vienna got started on my makeup and Megan did my hair.
The crew came together before Teddy was set to go out. I was supposed to give a speech, but they knew I was too nervous. Kiran, the tour director, who’d obviously given many of those speeches before, gave it this time.
“I want to thank everyone for their hard work. Thank you, Talia and Teddy. You’re gonna kill it. There are a lot of little girls in that crowd. That’s nothing to be ashamed of. They’re good and pure and have better taste than a lot of us. One of these nights my daughter is gonna be in this crowd. Let’s give them a hell of a show.”
We put our hands in. Having never competed in a sporting event in my life, it was a first for me. “Kill it on 1, 2, 3. 1. 2. 3.”
Everyone screamed, “Kill it!”
Teddy went to the stage. I had to get changed. Sabra came to get me. “Something arrived for you,” she said, with a secretive smile.
“What?” I asked.
“Come see,” she said and led me back to the dressing room. I walked in and found three boxes filled to the brim with beautiful flowers I’d never seen before. They were a pale peach color and looked like a different kind of rose.
“They’re Juliet roses,” Megan said. “They’re beautiful.”
In front of them sat a card a simple cursive ‘Good Luck, Love’ and an emerald green jewelry box. I opened it up to find my necklace. From Laurie, of course. It hurt a little to think of him. Still. But I smiled and touched the necklace lovingly, appreciatively.
“Will you help me with this?” I asked Vienna.
“This is sweet,” she said. “Is this all from the same person?”
“I think so,” I answered.
“Who?”
“A friend,” I said. I didn’t know that to be true. I had started to look back and see more than just the awful ending and that was a relief but I wasn’t anywhere close to being okay with us being over. But I couldn’t think about it in that moment.
I got into my outfit quickly and rushed to the stage. I wanted to watch Teddy’s set. I walked toward the side stage and it was so loud. So much louder than down in the dressing rooms.
I looked out at the crowd and lost my breath. There must have been ten thousand people out there. All of them staring at that one spot on stage. All of them with hopes and expectations. The roof was open and the stars shone brightly. Their screams were so loud you could probably hear them throughout the city. It was a lot of pressure. Then Teddy started. It was different watching him on stage in front of an audience. He looked like he belonged there. He looked like he’d done it a thousand times before though I knew it was his first time. I was entranced.
As he finished, the crowd erupted into screams and I remembered them again.
He came off stage and approached me. The crew got to work turning it over. My dresser started putting my heels on me.
“You were amazing,” I said, hugging him tightly.
“Thank you,” he responded, brushing away the red locks that stuck with sweat to his forehead.
“How can I follow that?” I asked. My mouth felt dry. I looked around and found Sabra holding a water bottle with a straw in there. “Can I have some of that?” I asked.
She handed it over. I drank. I swallowed. My mouth still felt dry. “Oh god,” I said. He looked to Sabra and the dresser, they backed off.
“This is your moment, Talia. What are you thinking?” Teddy asked me.
I took a breath. “I’m thinking that I don’t know how to do this.”
He answered straight away. “You do. You know exactly how to do it. You’ve practiced a hundred times. You know it.”
I looked out at the stage again. I imagined three girls, a rock band.
“I should be here with Ashley and Kelly,” I said, my breathing speeding up. “I don’t deserve this.”
He forced me to look at him. He put his heavy hands on my shoulders. “You can’t think that way.”
My breathing slowed.
“They’re present in everything you do. Talia. You can’t let that grief overpower you – to take over your experience and make you feel like you don’t deserve it. Because you do.”
He hugged me tightly.
“You’re sweaty,” I said, feeling the moisture on my cheek. He laughed and wiped it off me. Vienna groaned.
“Go on. I’ll be watching,” he said. “You’re gonna be incredible.”
I hugged him again, not caring about the sweat. He let go and Vienna came forward and refreshed my makeup.
“Sorry,” I said.
She shook her head. “Don’t worry about it. You look beautiful.”
“Thank you.”
“You ready?” a stage assistant asked. I nodded. She spoke into her walkie talkie and guided me to the elevator where I was going to rise to the stage. As I squeezed into the space, I lost sight of everyone but her. “Good luck,” she said, and backed out before I could thank her. I heard the whirring as the engine started and suddenly I was rising.
I was blinded by the light and deafened by the sound. As I readjusted I looked out at the crowd. I couldn’t make out any faces beyond the first few rows. I recognised some of the girls. I smiled at them. The rest of the arena was dark, but it was piercingly loud.
There were big blocks of orange tinted light surrounding me on three sides. They were warm. They warmed me up. I looked behind me to the band. Lucy nodded at me and smiled encouragingly.
They started playing. And I started singing.
It was nothing like the other times I’d performed. On Jimmy Fallon. In front of smaller groups. Those nerves. The guilt. It was fading. I was starting to feel like a different person. It was if the heat of the light was transforming me. Into somebody confident. Someone sure of themselves and their music. A rock star. A pop princess. I’d dreamt of it so long ago. After the accident it had felt impossible. But, in that moment, after everything, it felt right. I thought of Mom and how she’d been so sure that I could do this. In the moment I fully believed her.
The dancers arrived behind me. We moved around the stage as choreographed and I found new people in the crowd to look to. They sang my lyrics back at me. They held signs with my name on it, telling me they loved me. I reached for my necklace, finding it there. It made me think of Dad.
I looked to the side of the stage and saw Teddy, his guitar still strapped to his neck. He bounced along with the music and screamed out the lyrics along with me. I smiled back at him. As I began a walk upstage, I looked at the graphics and thought of Saffy.
Midway through the concert, as I walked to the piano, I spoke to the crowd. I had told everyone I wouldn’t be doing any of that but there I was. “How are you doing tonight, Manchester?”
They screamed in response.
“I’m so glad to see you all
,” I continued. “I just want to say, that this next song-” Who was I kidding? “This whole album is dedicated to two girls. Ashley and Kelly. They were my best friends and I lost them last year. They were beautiful inside and out, talented musicians, hilariously funny, stronger than me and the greatest friends a girl could have. I wish they could be up on this stage with me. Maybe in some way they are. I want to say I love them. And…” I looked up through the open roof to the stars. I didn’t know about any God but I hoped they could hear me. “I miss you.”
There were some cheers, clapping, but it was quieter. I started playing, lightly touching the keys as the song began. As it got bigger, louder, I was crashing down on the keys and pouring my heart into the microphone and out through the arena. There were so many more phones lifted into the air, recording me. In that moment more than any other.
I sang song after song after song, changing my outfit, drinking water between sequences. We never slowed down. We just kept going. I felt like I could go forever.
Then we were at the final song. “The night’s almost over,” I said. There was booing amidst the screams. “I have one final song for you.”
I’d done my whole album. And a cover of an Adelaide Mills song with her blessing, despite her brother’s calls that went unreturned. The crowd had no idea what was coming next. None of them had ever heard it before and it made me so excited to share it with them.
“This is a new one. It’s called Red Light.”
They screamed and I started. The lighting became red. The graphics were red. The dancers came onto the stage in red. I wore my red silk Atonement dress and it floated around me as I rushed around the stage. As I sung the lyrics and remembered the moments, the romance, the song came alive on that stage.
In the seconds before go
Your lips search for mine
I’m lost in the forest green of your eyes
In front of that red light
Red light
Give me that red light
Red light
The crowd knew none of the lyrics when I started but by the end of the song, in the last chorus, they were screaming along with me.
The song finished and the arena erupted. I looked to the band who were smiling, exhausted. I looked to Teddy who was beaming at me. I felt radiant. Happy and sweaty and pumped full of adrenaline. My heart beat fast and it felt good.
The block lights seemed to shine brighter. The thunderous applause got louder. I looked out at the crowd, at the girls and boys who loved my music. I felt worthy. I found something that night, on that stage. It was purpose. It was strength. It was magic.
The End
To be continued in Book 2 of the Talia Shaw Series: Love Songs
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Bright Lights: Book One of the Talia Shaw Series Page 25
