by Nicola Shill
With that resolution in mind, he was able to drift off to sleep.
— CHAPTER 59 —
Destiny
Cassandra was dreaming.
She was lying on the warm sand in front of her boatshed and Lorcan was floating above her in that weird way of his: motionless, with his wings outstretched as though he were part of the air itself. She closed her eyes against the bright sun, but she still saw the red glow through her eyelids. Then the glow became a moody glitter. She heard Lorcan’s voice whispering, ‘Cassandra.’
The dream was dissolving as she started to wake up. But she didn’t want to wake up. She didn’t want to return to the human world. She was unhappy there. She wanted to stay here with Lorcan.
‘Cassandra.’
Cassandra tried to concentrate on the dream and hold it in her head, but it was draining away. She kept her eyes shut but she knew it was too late: she was awake now and the beautiful dream was gone.
‘Cassandra!’
She sat up so abruptly that her quilt, pillow and handkerchiefs went flying in all directions. All of them obeyed gravity and hit the floor, but one glittering entity floated in midair in front of her face. Even before her eyes adjusted enough for her to make out details, she knew it was Lorcan. There was no mistaking that aura, although the sparks appeared to be in a state of chaos tonight. Some were subdued, resembling glowing embers while others were firing off erratically in bright yellows and reds. She leaned over to turn on the bedside light, but Lorcan stopped her with one simple, low utterance.
‘Desait.’
What did he say? Cassandra was aware that Lorcan was not speaking English and also that she no longer had the benefit of the unconscious ability to translate. It seemed that when she was restored to human size, the capacity had been lost. Even so, having lived with the fae for such an extended period, she realised now that she had begun to learn the language and, although she had to think about it for a moment, she knew what Lorcan had said.
In the time she was considering this, however, Lorcan had noticed that she hadn’t automatically understood and shifted to English.
‘Don’t.’
She slowly sat back up and stared at him. She’d been wishing for him to appear – dreaming about it – but this was not how she expected it to be. He was in a strange mood; his aura showed it, but mostly his silence gave it away. She expected to be ecstatic to see him, but she found herself feeling nervous. She was tuning in to his uncertainty.
Lorcan uncertain?
Fear started to prickle along her skin.
He floated, motionless, and his gaze locked on to hers. She couldn’t have looked away even if she’d wanted to. ‘How are you?’ he said.
She laughed nervously: the question didn’t fit the moment. ‘Okay.’ Come on Lorcan, say what you’re here to say.
Silence.
The suspense was too much. ‘Lorcan, why …’
‘I miss you,’ he blurted out. Then, almost inaudibly, ‘I love you.’
That was certainly unexpected. ‘No, you don’t. You hate me.’
‘Well, yeah, sometimes. But not as much lately. Not at all since you’ve been gone, actually. Come back so I can start hating you again.’
Cassandra laughed properly this time. Lorcan swooped down to stand on her bedside table. ‘I mean it Cassandra. Do you … do you think you might … you know … feel the same way?’
She hoped this wasn’t a trick. It would be beyond embarrassing if it was. But Lorcan seemed so genuinely uncomfortable that she doubted it. She turned her head away and looked out the window. ‘I think so,’ she whispered. He flew up to float in front of her face again so that she had to look at him. He gazed straight into her eyes as if he was trying to see into her mind.
‘How have you been?’ he asked.
This time she gave him an honest answer. ‘Miserable.’ Tears welled in her eyes. She drew her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them.
She could see Lorcan trying hard not to look pleased. ‘Tell me about it.’ He sounded slightly too cheerful.
‘I don’t fit in here anymore, Lorcan. I’ve changed. My friends hate me and I don’t blame them – I can barely even live with myself. I abhor everything: the power we use, the waste we create, the wealth we accumulate. I object to cars and airplanes and … shopping malls for goodness sake! Do you have any idea how hard that makes it to fit in?’
Lorcan grinned. ‘You’re right, you don’t belong here. You should come back.’
‘I was planning on doing that tomorrow.’
Lorcan suddenly became very serious. ‘They won’t let you, Cassandra.’
Cassandra looked confused. ‘Why not? They didn’t want me to go.’
He sank down to sit on her raised knees. ‘No, but you did, and as far as they’re concerned, it’s over. They’re not in the habit of bringing humans in just because they think they want to be fae. I’ve wracked my brains and I can’t think of any special circumstances, anything extra that would sway them.’
‘What if I was half fae?’
Lorcan laughed bitterly, ‘Yeah, wouldn’t that be great? They’d have to let you then, for sure.’
‘Lorcan, I’m half fae.’
‘Cassandra, be serious …’
‘I am, Lorcan! Dad told me. My mother was fae.’
Lorcan thought for a moment. ‘Well, it makes sense.’ He raised his eyebrows. ‘Do you know what this means Cassandra?’
‘It means they’ll take me back … doesn’t it?’
‘Yeah, they’ll take you back, but it’s even better. You can actually choose to become fae.’
Cassandra didn’t see the distinction. ‘Isn’t that what happened before?’
‘No, you were shrunken and Eerin also made you invisible to those without the sight, but you were still human, albeit under the protection of the fae. If you’re half fae, you can choose to be transmuted and become completely fae. You’ll have an aura and you’ll eventually grow wings. You’ll inherit the wisdom. You’ll age at fae rate!’
Cassandra had been desperate to return, prepared to go back to the way it was, regardless of the difficulties, but now a peaceful sense of rightness, of intrinsic truth filled her. Comprehension and recognition dawned. She no longer just wanted desperately to return; she needed to, as much as she needed to breathe. She understood why her mother had felt compelled to go back.
She knew instinctively that the transmutation would complete her.
— CHAPTER 60 —
An Easy Choice
Cassandra couldn’t wait a moment longer.
‘Okay, I choose to become fae.’ She shook her knees from side to side so that Lorcan flew off them to float in the air. She jumped out of bed and held her hands out at her sides. ‘Do it now.’
Lorcan laughed. ‘I wish I could, Cassandra, but it’s a big, important ceremony. You don’t just do it. You need to come back and then it can be organised. The entire village will be involved.’
‘Well, just do the shrinking bit. Then you can call a snake or a bat or whatever to take us back.’
‘Cassandra, in case you haven’t noticed, you’re very resistant. I wouldn’t be able to do it. You need a mystic or a sage. Actually, you seem to require more than just one mystic or sage.’
There was that word again. Eerin, also, had called her resistant. It sounded too strong and decisive to be applied to her. She usually thought of herself as pathetically compliant.’I’m sure that’s not true. Can’t you just have a go? I’m thinking happy thoughts.’
Lorcan smiled sadly and shook his head. ‘I can tell you now, it won’t work.’
‘So, I’m going to have to wait until tomorrow anyway.’ Disappointment smothered Cassandra’s euphoria and she sank down to sit on the edge of her bed. Suddenly, tomorrow was too far away.
Lorcan landed on her bedside table. ‘I think, for this, we should see Zabeth.’
‘How would I get there?’
‘You’d have to walk. I
can guide you, but it’s a long way.’
‘I don’t care. Let’s go now.’
‘It’ll take all night.’
‘I don’t …’
‘And we’ll have to bush-bash.’
‘… care.’
‘Up hill.’
‘I don’t care!’
‘In the dark.’
‘Lorcan.’
‘Yes?’
‘I want to do this.’ She was resolute. ‘Now.’
Lorcan stared at her.
She held his gaze.
And then he smiled: just a whisper of a smile, almost too quick to see, but enough to reveal that he was glad. ‘Are you sure you’re ready? Don’t you need to say goodbye to your father?’
‘I have, sort of.’ She sighed. ‘He knows.’
He watched her for a moment longer, then flew up to float in her doorway. ‘Okay, let’s go.’
Cassandra looked down at her floaty white nightie. It was probably her prettiest piece of clothing, certainly the most fae and a whole lot better than the bikini and sarong she’d been stuck in for her first days in Gillwillan. She dug her old canvas sneakers out of the chaos on her bedroom floor and pulled them on, then stared into her dark room trying to work out what else to take with her. All of her possessions seemed so frivolous now … except for Grandma’s ring. She took it out of her jewellery box, glad to have remembered it, and slid it on to her finger.
With a good dose of guilt, she looked around at the mess she was leaving for Dad. Oh well, maybe he would preserve it as a shrine to her memory. How long until it started to stink? They’d have to seal the door. Of course, Sylvia would never allow that. She’d be redecorating for the baby before Cassandra was halfway up the hill if she knew what was happening. Regret cut into Cassandra at the thought of a baby brother or sister she would never get to know. She swallowed down hard on the emotions and turned to leave it all behind. At the last moment, she remembered her tiny shawl and slipped her hand under her pillow to retrieve it, tucking it into a small embroidered pocket in the centre of her nightie’s bodice.
Before she could dwell any longer on all she was giving up, before her heart could break any more, she slid through her bedroom door. She was getting mightily sick of having a broken heart, but it was unavoidable either way now; she was down to choosing between degrees of breakage.
She tiptoed downstairs with Lorcan flying in front of her. Cassandra stopped at the bottom when she heard Lira meowing and wondered how she had already managed to lock herself in the laundry. It had become a mysterious nightly occurrence that had begun not long after Cassandra had arrived home. Every morning, she awoke to find Lira meowing and scratching to get out.
Suddenly, a suspicion occurred to her. She narrowed her eyes at Lorcan, who was floating a short way ahead. ‘Have you been locking my cat up?’
His look of confused innocence was so badly done that Cassandra knew her guess was right. She opened the laundry door and Lira ran out. Spotting Lorcan in the air, she crouched down and growled. Lorcan growled back. Cassandra bent down to pat her and Lira hissed and swiped a claw at her hand. Cassandra would have lost skin had she not pulled her hand away fast enough. She heard Lorcan snigger above her.
‘Come on,’ she said, and marched out the back door, shutting Lira inside.
— CHAPTER 61 —
Going to the Top
Cassandra smiled at the image of herself in a white nightie, in the middle of the night, pursuing a tiny, sparkling bat over her back fence and into the bushland beyond.
Lorcan seemed to know instinctively where they were at any moment and where they were going. He started off trying to fly beside her, but even at their current size difference, he struggled to fly slowly enough to match Cassandra’s walking pace. He would begin well, but quickly forget himself and flap faster and faster until, looking around, he would realise that he’d left Cassandra behind and have to fly back. After a few cycles of this, he gave up with a defeated sigh and sank down on to Cassandra’s shoulder.
It was a cold night; Cassandra started to shiver and wonder if she would make it all the way to Zabeth’s tree without dying of exposure.
‘I can keep you warm if you want,’ Lorcan offered.
Now that she thought about it, Cassandra realised that Lorcan had never used his fae abilities to alter her mental or physical state, even though there were times when it would have made both their lives easier – certainly his. After her experience with Chayton, she appreciated Lorcan’s sense of morality about it.
‘Lorcan, I would love you to make me warm.’
Nothing happened immediately. She felt Lorcan shift around on her shoulder. ‘Wow, you are tough,’ he said. Seconds later, warmth began to creep through her body, starting from the shoulder that he was sitting on. This was a skill every girl should look for in any prospective boyfriend.
This experience of walking through the bush in the night was vastly different from the time she’d tried to run away from Gillwillan. For starters, she was human size, so her surroundings were less threatening. The moon was almost full and the sky was clear, so there was enough light to see by. Her mood was also optimistic and ebullient, rather than desperate. Most of all, Lorcan was with her. Even at less than a tenth of her size, she felt confident that nothing could hurt her while he was with her. For the first time in a long while, she felt truly, deeply happy – which was remarkable for someone who hated bushwalking.
As she hiked, Cassandra asked Lorcan how Gita was getting on.
‘It will take a while for her to get over the attack,’ Lorcan admitted. ‘Losing her wings has been difficult for her to cope with.’
Cassandra was shocked. ‘Didn’t the healers fix her up?’
‘They fixed her body, but wings can’t be reattached. They have to grow back on their own, and it’s slow.’
‘Can’t the healers …’
‘It can’t be hurried, Cassandra. That’s one thing we can’t do.’
‘But one was still attached!’
Lorcan shook his head. ‘It wasn’t viable. They had to remove it.’
Cassandra felt sick. ‘How is she coping with being grounded?’
Lorcan mumbled something that Cassandra couldn’t make out and then, more clearly said, ‘I’ll just check our location.’ He shot into the air and spent so long out of sight above the treetops that Cassandra started to shiver again and began to wonder if he was lost. He hadn’t needed to check their location before. When he finally came back down, he mumbled, ‘We’re almost there,’ and then, rather than sitting back on her shoulder, continued to fly along in front of her.
‘Lorcan, how is Gita coping with being grounded?’
Lorcan turned around so he was flying backwards. At least it slowed him down. Cassandra had to slacken her pace to avoid walking into him.
‘She’s not very happy about it,’ he said.
‘And?’
‘And what?
‘And what are you trying not to tell me?’
Lorcan sighed. ‘Cassandra, you have to understand that fae don’t cope well with depression …’
The dreadful reality of Gita’s situation began to dawn on Cassandra. Tani had once explained that resilience was not a trait fae possessed in any useful quantity. Depression was the only disease that would slowly, but surely, kill a fae. Fae healing only went so far. If the cause was not fixed, the depression would remain and the fae would eventually weaken and die.
‘… and fae who lose their wings are very vulnerable to depression,’ Lorcan continued. ‘But Gita’s young and she’s only recently learnt to fly well enough to become dependent on her wings, so she’ll probably get over it pretty quickly.’
Cassandra knew how much Gita loved to fly. Losing her wings would be a very difficult challenge for her. Even Cassandra had found living among the fae without being able to fly difficult, and she had never enjoyed the use of her own wings. If it hadn’t been for Cupid …
‘Gita should be taugh
t to ride Cupid!’
‘Ahhh, no …’
‘Why hasn’t anyone thought of that?’
‘That’s not the answer, Cassandra.’
‘Well, what is the answer?’
‘It’s just going to take time.’
‘But she could die.’
‘She’ll be okay.’
‘Oh, you know that, do you?’ Typical fae! Cassandra felt angry and frustrated at the inability of the fae to consider creative solutions. ‘Having all the answers given to you has stunted your imagination.’
‘Who?’
Cassandra flung her arms wide. ‘The bloody lot of you.’
Cassandra braced for Lorcan’s pithy response, but he seemed to be lost for words. She could almost see cogs turning in his head as he replayed the conversation trying to identify what he was in trouble for. Cassandra would normally have revelled in the opportunity to exploit his moment of confusion and finish him off, but she now felt an even greater urgency to get back to Gillwillan.
‘Come on, hurry up.’
She swatted him out of the way.
— CHAPTER 62 —
Welcome Wind
Zabeth was sitting on a branch outside her hole in the tree when they arrived. Her face was raised to the early morning sunlight, and her eyes were closed.
Lorcan was flying now. Cassandra knew there was no way he would allow anyone to see him catching a ride on the shoulder of a human. As they emerged from the bush, a mob of kangaroos grazing below Zabeth’s tree took fright and bounded away. Cassandra suddenly realised she could easily step on Kiro without noticing, and abruptly stopped walking. Zabeth’s eyes opened to look directly at her with the piercing quality that Cassandra knew she would never get used to. Lorcan, oblivious to Cassandra’s trepidation, soared up to sit beside Zabeth. Despite her human size, Cassandra felt very small below them.
‘Cassandra’s half fae!’ Lorcan exclaimed, too excited for preamble.
Zabeth continued to stare for a moment as if she hadn’t heard, then nodded, not looking the least bit shocked.
‘Did you know?’ Lorcan demanded, his voice taking on an angry edge.
‘No, but I’m not surprised. It makes a lot of sense.’ Zabeth followed Lorcan’s example and spoke in English for Cassandra’s benefit. She looked thoughtful. ‘I don’t know why I didn’t think of it myself.’ Zabeth’s stare became even more piercing as her eyes narrowed. ‘Yes, I can see it now.’
