The smell of bacon and the sound of it sizzling made him hungry. He was hoping for some of the bread she had made yesterday. He’d sampled it last night, and it was good. He put the coffee cup on the table and then he went and stood next to Clarissa.
She glanced at him and turned away. “I’m sorry I overslept. From now on I’ll have your breakfast ready so you can eat in silence. It’s almost done.”
“Don’t worry about it. I know you are tired. Everyone deserves to sleep in every now and then.” She turned and gave him a surprised look. He handed her the flowers and instead of looking delighted she looked very puzzled.
“These are for me?”
He nodded
“I’ve never had flowers before. Thank you.” Her hands trembled as she took them from him.
He watched as she put them into a large glass and added water. She bent over a few times to smell them. It had been worth the effort to pick a few flowers to see such a bright smile on her face.
“Can I ask you something?” Clarissa asked.
“Sure, go ahead.”
“What do these flowers mean exactly?” She almost looked as though she was going to cry.
“I saw them and thought my wife might like to have some. I also realized what a numbskull I’ve been. I’m acting as though I don’t want you, and that couldn’t be further from the truth. There was something about you that intrigued me the first time I saw you. The feeling grew, and it scared me.” A sheepish smile formed on his lips. “I also realized you are right. You never did lie to me but I was trying to find a reason to distance myself from you. I never thought you’d stay this long, and quite frankly I wanted to be the one who left the relationship — what there was of one — first. I know not all women leave. Look at Dolly. She’s been here for us through thick and thin. I should’ve thought about her and what an example she set instead of my mother. I somehow got it into my head that you would love me one day and walk away the next. I had a long time to think yesterday, and I realized what a fool I’ve been. I should’ve married you weeks ago, but I wasn’t sure how you felt. What I’m really trying to say is, Clarissa will you be my wife and the mother of my children?”
Clarissa walked away and sat at the table. A gamut of expressions played across her face.
Now he was nervous. Him and his idiotic rule of giving each other space is coming back to haunt him. He needed to convince her, and he needed to do it fast. He kneeled in front of her and took both her hands in his and waited until she met his gaze. “I’m hoping you can forgive me. I think we could be happy together. I love you, Clarissa, and I have for quite some time. It scared me how much I love you. I’m hoping you’ll forgive me.”
Clarissa nodded as tears flowed down her face. “You’re right, you have been a numbskull, but you’re my numbskull. I love you too. I felt so unlovable for so long that I figured that’s how you felt about me. I know I’m not pretty, and I wish I was, but I am what I am.”
Donnell took all the food off the stove and then went back to Clarissa. “I’m ashamed that I said that, particularly because I don’t mean it. When you look at me with your eyes shining with happiness there is nothing more beautiful in the whole wide world.” He pulled her into his arms and held her, rocking her back and forth as she cried.
She looked up at him and sniffled. “Does this mean you want children with me?”
“I’d love for us to have a big family. I’ll take whatever God gives us.”
Epilogue
Five months later
Clarissa smiled as she watched her husband walking toward the house. Donnell had made it a habit to stop there for his noon meal. They’d had many awkward moments, but now Clarissa felt loved. Donnell touched her every time he walked by, whether it was squeezing her hand, a touch on her shoulder or a kiss on her cheek. It’s what she always wanted, but it took her a while to get used to it. Now she wouldn’t have it any other way. She loved her affectionate husband.
She looked around at the many trunks and crates scattered through the house. Donnell had built her a brand-new house and they were almost set to move. They would have many happy times in the new place. She’d been keeping an eye on the main house; Ciara was due anytime now.
Sheila was on hand to help, but Clarissa never having a child wouldn’t be much help. She imagined she’d only be in the way. She couldn’t wait for the baby to be born. Every night when she and Donnell sat in their chairs, she sewed. Ciara and Brogan’s baby would be beautifully outfitted.
She hoped and hoped as she sewed that the need for her to sew her own baby clothes would come, but she hadn’t been blessed in that way. She sighed as she continued to pack. The Lord did things in his time but she couldn’t help but be impatient. The disappointment made her feel guilty since Donnell wanted a big family.
The last two months it had been hard to be around Ciara and Gemma. They both glowed and were happy as can be. She turned when the door opened and put a cheerful smile on her face for her husband.
“Let me get you some cool water. It must be hotter than Hades working out there.”
Donnell smiled and his eyes twinkled. “Ciara’s baby is on its way. You will be an aunt again. I can’t wait to see Ciara’s eyes when she sees the wonderful clothes you made. And I’ll be standing proudly next to you.”
“The baby is coming? I’ve been watching out the window all day and I hadn’t seen any action. It’s just as well, I’m not needed.” Clarissa put the plate full of sandwiches on the table, and then she got some cool water for them both. She was surprised Donnell hadn’t already sat down.
She yelped in surprise as Donnell picked her up and swung her around. He finally set her down and cupped her cheeks in his hands.
“You are always needed. I don’t want you to think otherwise. The reason they don’t have you over there is because women who haven’t had a child might be frightened by the screams. It has nothing to do with how they feel about you. They all love you almost as much as I do.” He smiled. “I know it’s hard to get used to having so many people around all the time.”
He made her feel treasured, and it was a feeling she’d never thought to wish for. “You’re right, but sometimes I can’t help thinking the way I used to. I think I’m making progress, though. Just look at us, we laugh and we talk and hold each other and truthfully I wasn’t sure we’d ever get there. Plus you make me feel safe.”
He wrapped his arms around her. “Protecting you hasn’t been much of a job. It still amazes me and bewilders me that Hank Thatcher died in the saloon fire. I also find it very interesting that everyone but him escaped. However it happened, it’s been a great relief to both of us. I’m hungry.”
They ate their sandwiches and she tried to think of something to say but all she could think about was being incapable of giving him the one thing he wanted most a child. They never talked about it, she just knew.
“Out with it. I can see something else is bothering you and you might as well tell me because you know I’ll find out anyway.”
She put her hands in her lap and stared at them. How did one talk about their failings? She looked up at him and met his gaze. His eyes were full of love and compassion. How could she not tell him how she felt? He was right, it was tell him now or tell him later.
“It’s hard to talk about, I think about it every morning and every night and many times during the day. I failed you by my inadequacies. You should’ve gone with your gut instinct and not married me, I’m sure you’d be much happier with a different wife.” Donnell started to stand up. “No, sit down, please. It’s just that we both want children and I long for a family. I wait and wait, but God never blesses me with a child. It’s been five months we might as well face the fact I’m barren. It shames me, but it shouldn’t surprise me. Nothing goes as planned for me anyway.”
“I guess telling you to relax won’t be of any help. Do I want children? Yes, I do, but we can only have what we are blessed with. Truthfully, right now I feel like the luckies
t man on earth because I have you. Whether or not you give me a child won’t change the way I feel. I tried and tried to push away my feelings for you, and I almost pushed too hard. I wasn’t sure even after we were married that we’d make our way to a loving marriage. Personally, I’m thankful for Joe Kingsley and I’m definitely thankful that he sent for you. As far as family, we have many members. You have to agree, sometimes we have too many. Everyone seems to have their own opinion, but we work it out at the end. If there was away for me to put a child in your arms, I would do it. I only know one way and I think we’ve been doing our part. The rest is out of our hands. So you have no shame, you have no guilt, and you need not worry. I will always and I mean always be here for you. You fill my heart, make me smile, and you show me all the gray areas in life. I feel calmer and I’m much happier not having to feel like I have to have the answer to everything. You’ve done that for me.”
Tears filled her eyes and poured down her face. She quickly got her handkerchief and mopped up her tears. They’d be going to the main house soon, and she didn’t want anyone feeling sorry for her. Donnell was right, she didn’t need to dwell on the things she wanted, she needed to count her blessings for the things she had.
“Feeling better?” Donnell reached across the table and took her hand in his.
“You’ve certainly opened my eyes. We have our entire lives in front of us and that is a blessing. It’s hard to watch the other women have children but you’re right, there is no shame and there shouldn’t be any guilt about something I can’t control.” She took a couple deep breaths and she could feel her heart expanding. Glancing out the window, her eyes widened. “I think the baby has been born.”
Donnell stood still holding her hand as he walked toward her. “Are you sure you want to go over now? We could wait till later if you wish.”
She walked into his arms and hugged him to her. “Let’s go see our newest family member.”
* * *
Donnell carried the big basket full of the clothes Clarissa had so lovingly sewn. It was good to see her smiling. He wished he had known she was suffering, but she hid it well. He’d been so busy with the ranch and building a new house, he’d had little time to think about it. He learned a long time ago that everything happened in God’s time. He used to hate it when people said that to him. It was as though they didn’t have an answer. But he was learning he couldn’t absolutely have control over everything. All he needed was Faith.
“I’m proud of you. I love you so much, Clarissa.” They were at the door to the main house before she had a chance to answer.
As soon as they stepped foot into the house, he could feel the excitement and happiness of his family, their family. Clarissa smiled at everyone and hugged all the women.
“Boy or girl?” she asked.
Dolly beamed. “He’s a beautiful, beautiful baby. They named him Benjamin. You can go on up and take a peek if you like.”
Donnell took Clarissa’s hand and led her up the stairs. Brogan looked out the door and smiled.
“Congratulations!” Clarissa said.
“Go on in. Ciara is still awake.”
* * *
Clarissa tiptoed in and smiled at the beautiful picture Ciara and Benjamin made. It was lovely.
Ciara opened her eyes. “Come Clarissa meet your nephew Benjamin.”
Clarissa hurried over to the side of the bed so she could look down on Benjamin’s face. “Why he’s just an angel, a beautiful angel. I just wanted to drop off a few things I made for you and then I’ll let you get back to resting.”
Donnell handed Clarissa the basket and stood next to her as she picked up a bundle of clothes.
Ciara looked over each piece with tears in her eyes. “I’ve never seen anything as beautiful as these clothes. You are truly talented.” Her eyes drooped and Clarissa put the clothes back in the basket and set the basket on the dresser.
Brogan thanked them as he sat on the bed next to his wife and son.
Clarissa took a big breath and was glad when Donnell gave her hand a quick squeeze. She heard all the laughter and fun down on the main floor and for a moment felt a bit of jealousy. She’d have to work on not being disappointed. Donnell was there for her and he understood. They reached the bottom of the steps and Dolly took her hand and led her away.
They stood next to Gemma and Clarissa couldn’t believe how Gemma glowed. In just a about a month she’d have another baby.
Lord, please help me count my blessings and put any unpleasant feelings out of my thoughts. She silently asked.
Clarissa stood there and listened to Gemma’s plans to make more room in the house for her new baby. Clarissa smiled as she caught sight of Donnell coming her way with a glass of punch. She could really use the distraction. She took the glass he offered and stood next to him so their arms were touching.
“Did I miss anything?” Donnell asked.
“No,” Dolly said. “Was there something you wanted to tell us?”
Donnell’s brow furrowed. “I can’t think of anything. Why do you ask?”
Gemma and Dolly exchanged a look, then they smiled at Clarissa.
“I have nothing to say either.”
“Do you think it’s possible they don’t know?” Gemma asked, amused.
Dolly’s eyes twinkled. “I think we should enlighten them.”
Clarissa became nervous and reached for Donnell’s hand.
“Have you been feeling ill lately, Clarissa?” Dolly asked.
“I’ve had a few moments but I think it’s because of the heat.”
Donnell turned to her. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Irritation washed over her. What did it matter to them if she needed to get used to the heat? “I’m fine now as you can see.” She wanted nothing more than to go home.
Gemma reached out and hugged Clarissa. “You my dear are growing brighter than a star in the night sky.”
Clarissa pulled back and shook her head. “What’s going on?”
Dolly chuckled. “You’re going to have a baby.”
Clarissa blinked a few times, trying to make sense of what was really going on.
Dolly took her hand and looked into her eyes. “I thought so for the last couple weeks. You my dear are with child. You’re pregnant.”
Clarissa’s mouth opened. She didn’t know what to say. She looked up and saw the delight on Donnell’s face, and it scared her. “If this is some kind of joke—”
Donnell turned and cupped both her shoulders with his hands. He stared into her eyes. “How often have you been sick?”
She shrugged and shook her head. “It’s just been getting so hot and it makes me queasy.” She narrowed her eyes as she looked back at him. “I don’t understand.”
“I’d pick you up and twirl you around, but I’m afraid it might make you sick. Sweetheart, is it at all possible you are pregnant?”
She couldn’t think. She’d been sick almost every day, but that didn’t mean… “Oh my! Donnell it is possible. Do you think?”
“He thinks yes,” Dolly said excitedly. “I knew it, I just knew it. You have that look about you and I know you’ve been waiting. Come here and give me a hug.”
Clarissa hugged Dolly and then burst into tears.
“That’s another thing that happens, you go from happy to sad in a minute flat. I’m so excited for you.” Gemma gave her a big hug too.
“Donnell I think I need to go lie down.” She gave out a little scream as Donnell swept her up into his arms and carried her home.
“God sure works in mysterious ways. He answered your prayer.”
“I have so many blessings it’ll take me forever to count them all.”
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Book 6 Murphy: Cowboy Deceived
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p; Romance on the Oregon Trail
Cora’s Courage
Luella’s Longing
Dawn’s Destiny
Terra’s Trial
Candle Glow and Mistletoe
Romance on the Oregon Trail Boxed Set Part 1
Cora’s Courage chapter one
She cringed and stared at the ground, clasping her hands together and hoping that Eddie would keep his voice down. They’d only been traveling for three weeks with the wagon train, and people avoided her. They were probably all listening to him lecture her on proper behavior.
“Do you think you could act like a proper mother? The only reason Esther cries is because you aren’t a good mother.”
Cora nodded, not daring to look at him. Bad people came in many disguises and Eddie wore one of the best disguises to cover his badness. Best not to cross him. She smoothed down her serviceable brown skirt and waited for him to stop chiding her. He liked to hear himself talk, she’d concluded. It was best to just let him go on without saying a word in defense. He found fault every day and she never knew what he’d yell at her about.
He went on so long her mind wandered. Everyone already knew that Eddie was always finding fault. She’d had hopes of making a few friends on the trip west but no one wanted to be near them. Not that she blamed them. She walked alone or carried Esther. One friend, just one friend would have meant the world to her, but who would want to get involved with a woman who hung her head in shame daily?
Donnell: Cowboy Scrutiny: The Kavanagh Brothers Book 5 Page 10
