In fact, I wanted to put Amelia’s father and my father into my father’s van and send it over a cliff.
Her face was clear. Clean. Soft. Beautiful.
“Shit,” I said and stepped back, taking my hands away. “Sorry.”
“No. Come here.” Amelia grabbed my hands and put them to her face. “I like it. It feels good.”
My thumbs stroked her cheeks up and down. The feeling that raced through my body started to drive me crazy.
“What happened?” I whispered to her.
“You first. You were coming to find me.”
“Yeah, I was.”
“So…?”
I shook my head. “Same old shit, Amelia.”
“What does that mean? You never tell me anything.”
“I’m here to protect you. The best I can.”
“It’s bad,” she said. “Just everything is bad.”
I want to steal you away, Amelia. I want to change our names for good and start over.
“Hey,” I said. “Do you want a drink?”
Amelia grinned. “Yes…”
Murph would have my head if he knew I’d brought Amelia to our stash. We worked hard to collect this stuff and the rule was to drink it together. But if I told him who I was with and why, he’d let it go. All I would need to do was give him some wild story of what Amelia and I had done together in the woods.
I hated lying but it kept Amelia protected from Murph and the guys.
Watching Amelia sip the bottle of vodka made me smile.
“I wish I could run away,” she said. “But I have nowhere to go.”
“Time,” I said. “Just let it work itself out. You’ll be able to do your own thing soon. I know it.”
“Of course, I know that too, Josh,” she said. “I just don’t want to wait. I’m becoming numb to it. That’s a problem.”
I reached for her hand and grinned. “Sometimes numb is good.”
“Is that why you won’t tell me anything about yourself? At the very least… do you have a girlfriend?”
“No.”
“Do you like anyone?”
I laughed. “Does that matter?”
“I don’t know,” Amelia said. She pulled her hand away. “Sometimes when we talk…”
She looked down.
“Say it,” I whispered.
“I’m afraid.”
I touched her chin. “Look at me, Amelia.”
Wow, she was beautiful. Even as a teenager. When she became a real woman… I couldn’t imagine how beautiful she’d be then.
“When we talk… it makes me feel for you, Josh. Like really feel.”
“Feel what?”
“These things,” she said.
“What things?”
“Josh…”
“I need to know. Please.”
“Just things about you. About me. It’s crazy because we don’t really know each other. I just run to you when I’m hurt or scared. And you’re always there. I want you to always be there.”
I lowered my hand and swallowed hard.
“I’m just here,” I said. “You always find me.”
“Is that wrong?”
“I don’t know…”
Amelia lunged forward at me. Her hands grabbed my shoulders and her lips sought out mine.
She was a breath away when I pushed at her waist and drove her back.
She gasped and covered her mouth. Her cheeks flushed.
“Amelia…”
“I’m an idiot,” she said.
She turned and started to run.
I chased her down and spun her around.
“We can’t do this,” I said. “You know nothing about me. How bad it is for me. You come with me and it’s even more pain for you. I want to kiss you so bad, Amelia. I want you so bad… but you don’t understand…”
She jumped and tried to kiss me again.
It took all my might and all my pain to push her away again.
This time she let out a yelling cry and started to run again.
I didn’t follow.
She deserved more.
She was suffering now, but it wouldn’t last forever.
I would suffer forever.
And now my heart was shattered knowing I’d probably never see her again.
Chapter 38
Stars and Stars
THEN
(Amelia)
I couldn’t stop touching my lips as I ran and cried.
The tears flowed like I had never experienced in my life. At one point I had to stop, and I grabbed my stomach because I needed to throw up. I bent over and heaved, crying out. Nothing came up though. It was just tears, then snot.
I was a stupid fool for what happened with Josh.
I was only thirteen. That’s how he saw me. I was thirteen. He was sixteen. He was basically an adult. And I was a stupid young girl.
But he was there.
He was always there.
And tonight, he had been looking for me.
So, I thought…
It didn’t matter what I thought.
He had stopped me. He had stopped us.
I was losing Margaret.
I never had a father.
I had no idea who Josh really was.
That left me with Mom.
That was it.
She was all I had in life.
I stood back up and looked over my shoulder.
If I was writing this story, Josh would be there. He would be running toward me. He would wrap his arms around me and pick me up. I would somehow be able to spin around and hug him back. And then all those things I wasn’t sure about would happen. He would guide me. He would love me. He would take me away from this hell.
Only I wasn’t writing this story.
I was living it.
I couldn’t change it either.
I let out another cry and I gasped for a breath of air.
Josh wasn’t coming for me.
He pushed me away when I offered myself to him.
I touched my lips again and felt the heat of need and embarrassment spread across my face.
I started to run again.
I had to get home.
I never really saw my mother super drunk. She always lived in a world of fear where she’d get the phone call that my father had hurt himself and she would need to either go see him in the hospital or go identify his body at the morgue.
When I walked into the house, my mother stood at the wall next to the door, a bottle of vodka in her hand, and she was swaying as she hummed notes. There was this stupid key holder that was a small wooden shelf with metal keys that were hooks to hang real keys.
That was missing.
Well, it was on the floor. The keys scattered around it.
There was a giant hole in the wall.
“Mom?” I asked.
She looked at me. “There’s my angel. My baby angel.”
Mom lifted her left hand and bit at the foil wrapper on a piece of chocolate. She carefully ripped the wrapper down and then popped the chocolate into her mouth. She crumbled up the foil wrapper and flicked it into the hole in the wall.
“What are you doing?” I asked her.
“Fixing the wall,” she said. “I’ll fill it up and you’ll never know what he did to it.”
I was sick and tired of seeing holes in the walls.
I was sick and tired of everything.
“Come, sit down,” I said to her.
I touched Mom’s arm and she swung.
The vodka bottle hit me in the jaw with a clunk sound that echoed deep in my head.
I fell back and saw stars for a few seconds.
Mom dropped the vodka bottle and jumped at me.
She grabbed my shoulders. “What have I done?”
My eyes were wide.
Her breath was like chocolate fire. The mix of chocolate and vodka would haunt my memories for life.
“You’re drunk,” I whispered.
“You’re heartbrok
en.”
“Why do you stay with him?”
“We love each other.”
“No, you don’t. Don’t be afraid of him. We can leave together.”
Mom stepped back and slapped me across the face. “Don’t ever talk about my husband like that!”
I touched my cheek and watched as Mom tried to crouch and get the tipped over vodka bottle. She ended up collapsing to the floor. She reached with her right hand and put it into the small puddle of vodka. She slid forward and hit her head on the floor.
She rolled to her back and just stayed there.
“Amelia,” she said. “Come watch the stars with me.”
I looked around the house. I didn’t have much of a choice. I had nobody else but her at that moment.
So, I slowly moved to the floor next to Mom.
The ceiling was an ugly white popcorn kind of ceiling.
Those were the stars.
She pointed. “I see the Big Dipper.”
“Me too, Mom,” I whispered.
She reached for my hand and squeezed it. “Fly, baby, fly. Now tell me a story. You haven’t told me something new in a long time.”
I swallowed hard. “Okay. I have a new one I’m working on…”
I didn’t. I was lying. I had to think of something really quick.
“It takes place after a war,” I whispered. “Where houses and castles were destroyed. But there were survivors. Those who could rise up and rebuild everything…”
“I love it already,” Mom said in a croaky voice.
I turned my head and looked to the front door.
A tear slid down my cheek.
There was so much to cry for.
But I just wanted to know why Josh didn’t love me.
Chapter 39
What We Can’t Let Go
THEN
(Josh)
I ran up over the mountain with my heart slamming against the inside of my chest. I had punched a tree a few times, that did nothing but bust up my knuckles.
I couldn’t get the image of Amelia trying to kiss me out of my mind. She wasn’t drunk either. Not after one or two sips of booze. That was a real thing. She really wanted to kiss me. All those lies I had been telling the guys about her… they could have come true.
But as her sweet, little lips came toward me, I realized what would have happened.
No matter what, she would have been hurt. My life was a mess. Things about my life she never knew. My father. Delaney. Gram. Everything.
Amelia saw me as this mysterious protector. That was fine. But I wasn’t that at all. I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to do more than just kiss her. But there was nowhere to go. Nowhere to hide. Nowhere to live.
She had to go home and face her hell. She would escape that hell some day because she was the strongest girl I’d ever met. She was stronger than me. That was for sure.
The thoughts beat me up so badly until I caught up with Nash as he took the last hit off a joint. The smoke danced around his head and his eyes were a mess.
“Where’s Murph?” I asked.
“He’s got Derrick. It’s bad.”
“Bad? Did he stab him?”
Nash started to laugh. “You’d better go check it out.”
“Fuck,” I said.
They were all at this shitty abandoned house that was used by everyone. And I mean everyone. The house was used for sleep, drugs, sex, you name it… the cops were forever running through pushing people away. They would arrest a few here and there, but mostly it was just to keep everyone scattered.
What used to be a living room was where Murph stood with his foot on Derrick’s chest. Derrick was bleeding from his nose and his eye.
Murph had the knife in his hand.
“What did you do?” I asked Murph.
“Hey. There you are, man,” he said. “I was waiting for you. Figured you’d be late…”
“I showed up,” I said.
“You were with her again,” Murph said. “I can see it on your face. Everything changes when you’re with her.”
“No, Murph, it wasn’t that at all.”
“I know you and Delilah are getting really real,” Murph said. “That’s a little out of the normal for us. You have to be careful.”
“What are you doing with Derrick?” I asked to change the subject.
The whole Delilah and Amelia thing was a big mess in my head and heart. And nobody understood it but me.
Murph looked down at Derrick. “Well, I got him to piss himself. He realizes who he’s fucking with. And he didn’t fuck Cassie, right?”
“Who the fuck is Cassie, man?” Derrick cried out. “I don’t know anyone named Cassie.”
“Yes, you do,” Murph growled.
He moved fast, dropping down to his knees, bringing the tip of the knife to Derrick’s throat.
I moved forward and pulled Murph back. “Not worth it, man. You kill him and you’re gone away for good. He’s got the warning.”
“Does he?” Murph asked.
I reached down and grabbed Derrick by the shirt. I helped him to his feet.
He was scared. He was crying. He really had no idea what he was doing here.
“You going to tell people you fucked Cassie?” I asked him.
“No,” he said. “I don’t even know…”
“You never talk about fucking someone,” I said. “Ever.”
“Deal,” he said.
“Deal?” Murph asked. “This isn’t a business transaction. This is a beat down.”
“Yeah, it is,” I said.
I drove Derrick back and slammed him against a wall. The wall crumbled like it was made of paper. I turned and threw Derrick like he was a toy. He flew across the living room and smashed into an old radiator.
He cried out and crumpled to the floor, hugging himself.
“Fuck that guy,” I said to Murph. “Go get Cassie right now. Get your reward.”
“What about you?” he asked. “You can’t be alone tonight. Where’s Delilah? She coming around tonight? I know you and her love the midnight fucks.”
“Don’t ask,” I said.
“Hey,” Murph said. “One time only. You and me. We can both have Cassie. I’ll share her with you. Once.”
“I’ll pass,” I said.
I pushed by Murph and left the house.
I couldn’t stand the smell. The sights. The sounds.
The temptations either.
The house was the face of hell. A real hell.
I walked alone.
My head down.
Because I didn’t want anyone to know I was crying.
Gram sat in her chair, her hands shaking like she was nervous. She was glued to the TV. It was the only thing she could do. Just watch TV. She would have me put on a channel and that was it. If she tried to use the remote, there was a chance she would hit a button and mess up the TV.
I stood in the entrance to the living room and watched the glow of the TV bounce off her face.
This was a woman who carried the world.
She took me in. She gave me hell when I needed it.
If it wasn’t for her…
“How was your night?” she asked in a weak voice without looking away from the TV.
“Fine. Do you need anything?”
“No. Show’s starting soon.”
“Anything good?”
“No,” she said.
I lowered my head and went upstairs.
The right thing to do would be to hit the bed and sleep.
It would hurt in the morning.
I would never forget the sight of Amelia wanting to kiss me. Or the way I pushed her away. Or how that must have made her feel. The worst part was if she felt ugly or not worthy of me, then she hurried off to give herself to some random guy just to feel something. Those images filled me with a raging jealousy.
I skipped my bedroom and went to the back bedroom.
Where Delaney had slept.
Where her little pink bed was, a
long with her pink dresser. And all her clothes hung up in the closet. Her favorite lamp on the nightstand. The one with the unicorns.
I opened the door and flicked on the light.
The room didn’t smell like Delaney. It smelled like Delaney when she was sick. And there was a very big difference between the two.
I looked around and felt my stomach do a flip.
I turned off the light, ran into the bathroom and threw up into the sink.
I gasped for a breath of air and saw my reflection.
My eyes slowly shut, and I thought of holding Delaney.
I thought of sneaking that first kiss with Lilah.
I thought of touching Amelia’s face.
But I didn’t think of Delilah.
Because she wasn’t even real.
Chapter 40
A Meeting V
A LITTLE WHILE AGO
(Josh)
“You’re restless.”
“I’m always restless here,” I said.
“True. But today is different. Something is on your mind.”
“Well, aren’t you just the expert…”
“I won’t ask. But you’re here.”
“So I might as well talk about it,” I said. “So sneaky trying to get me to talk.”
“You tend to talk on your own, Josh. I’m just here to listen and give you guidance.”
“And where exactly are you guiding me to? That’s my question to you. I’m going to flip the script. What do you want out of this?”
“Out of this? I want you to feel better.”
I laughed. “That’s so cliché.”
“Okay. I would like you to finally face your past and know that it existed and that an entire life is waiting for you beyond it.”
“But I don’t want to be here.”
“Yet you keep showing up.”
“I made a promise.”
“To your best friend.”
“Yeah. Aaron.”
A Letter to Delilah Page 24
