All At Once
THEN
(Amelia)
“I have one card left,” Mom said. “Do I have to call out something.”
“Well, I think you can call out Crazy Eights,” I said. “I don’t care.”
Mom smiled.
I put down a red four of hearts.
“Shit,” she said.
She had to pick up from the pile and the game continued. It felt like the longest card game of my life, but in a way, I didn’t want it to end.
The kitchen table smelled horrible. The dishes overflowed in the sink. The fridge was half empty other than beer and days old milk. My stomach rumbled with hunger, but I wasn’t going to bring that up.
This was actually a calm moment in life.
Just Mom and I hanging out and playing cards.
“Have you been writing lately?” she asked.
“Not as much as I should be.”
“Why not?”
“Don’t know.”
“Writer’s block?”
“I guess you could call it that,” I said. “Do you really think I could become a famous writer?”
“Why not?” Mom asked. “There's no set path in anyone’s life, Amelia. Doesn’t matter if you’re rich or poor or anything like that. I think you're a great writer.”
“Thanks,” I said.
Mom finally put down a hearts card.
The game continued.
“I’m hungry,” she said. “How about a famous grilled cheese?”
“We have cheese?” I asked.
“I’m sure we do.” She put her cards down. “Don’t look at my cards.”
“Oh, I’m looking. I’m not losing this game.”
Mom opened the fridge and started to dig.
I looked forward and I jumped back in my chair. It scratched against the floor.
My father stood in the living room.
The dark living room.
His figure was a silhouette and his eyes were almost glowing like an animal about to attack.
I didn’t even hear him come home.
“You were right, Amelia,” Mom said. “We have no cheese. Shoot.” She shut the door. “Tell you what. Let's order something. My treat. Just don’t tell your father.”
I opened my mouth, but my father was on the move.
He ran into the kitchen, his hands filthy from working all day. He was already drunk.
I stood up, unsure what to do.
“Spending all our money?” he growled at Mom.
She let out a yell. “We have no food. Our daughter is hungry.”
“This is your fault?” my father asked me as he turned his head to look at me.
I shook my head. “No. I’m okay. I’m fine. We were just playing cards.”
“Fucking lazy,” he yelled. “You two sit around here and spend money and eat food and get fatter. I’m the one working, trying to provide.”
“It’s okay,” Mom said. “Calm down. I’ll make something.”
“Don’t tell me to calm down,” my father yelled.
He lunged at my mother.
I screamed at the top of my lungs.
I had never screamed so loud in my life.
And it worked.
My father stopped dead in his tracks and reached for his ears.
He set his sights on me, but at least I had saved my mother. For now.
“Fly, baby, fly,” Mom yelled, and she clapped her hands together.
I turned and darted for the back door.
I had plenty of time to get away and there was no chance my father would chase after me.
I jumped into the night and took off.
I was still hungry.
I was afraid for my mother.
And we didn’t even get to finish the card game.
I put my hood up and bit my bottom lip.
I had at least another hour before I could go home.
By then my father would be asleep. The house would be safe to enter. Even if there was still no food.
I had casually walked the entire neighborhood, feeling stupid for feeling jealous of every house I saw that had lights on inside of it. I pictured a family sitting together, eating snacks and drinking soda, watching something on TV. Or maybe playing a board game together.
After circling around three times, I went a different direction.
Toward the hill that went up, over and into another part of town.
The bad part of town.
I knew what I was doing and who I was looking for by then.
Josh only seemed to come out late at night.
He was like me.
He always seemed to be on the run, but that running paused when we hung out together. He was so super cute. Nobody in school would ever believe me about him. Especially because he was older than me. So, I kept him as my secret. The way he made me feel. The things I thought about when I thought about him. Some of the stuff I had no idea what it meant, but I think I liked it.
I heard the sound of laughing.
Then it became giggling.
Snorting and giggling.
My eyes searched and I saw the flicker of a light.
No.
A flame.
Someone had a lighter burning.
The little flame off in the distance.
“Light it up, bitch,” someone said and giggled again.
“You guys are assholes.”
That voice was Josh’s.
“Come on,” another voice said. “Just a little bit. Fuck it. We have nothing going on. We took care of business. Now we celebrate.”
I kept walking closer.
Three of them were huddled together, around the flame.
Josh was a few steps away.
He looked around and finally saw me.
I froze in place and didn’t wave.
Josh grabbed someone’s shoulder. “Murph. Get the fuck out of here with that shit. Right now.”
“Are we busted?” a voice asked.
Murph looked back at me. “Oh, fucking right… you’ve got your thing here. Little Miss-”
“Move now,” Josh ordered.
“Save some for her,” Murph said. “You know they like it. They become even more of someone else when they-”
“I said to get the fuck out of here,” Josh yelled.
“Alright,” Murph said. “It’s good. We’ll be at the house. Lost until morning.”
They moved away and Josh jogged toward me with a container in his hand.
“Amelia, what are you doing here?”
“You don’t want to see me?" I asked.
“Of course I want to see you,” he said. “I just… sorry.”
“What were they doing?” I asked.
“Trust me, you don’t want to know.”
“What's that?” I asked, pointing to the container.
“Some fries,” Josh said. “And loaded nachos. They were Murph’s. I don’t know how I got stuck carry-”
“Can I have them?” I asked in an embarrassingly fast way.
“Sure,” he said. “Let’s sit down.”
We sat down on the curb, our feet in the street.
I tried to act calm and normal as I tore open the container of food.
I sighed and groaned.
Then I blushed for making such noises near food.
The fries were soggy and cool.
The nachos were limp.
But it was food.
Real food.
I made a spectacle of myself so much that Josh put a hand to my wrist.
“Amelia,” he whispered. “Do you not have food at home?”
I looked at him, my mouth full of nachos.
I slowly shook my head left to right.
“Fuck,” he said. “I wish I would have known that.”
I chewed and swallowed. “Why?”
“It’s not right. I’m so sorry, Amelia. I’ll make sure you have food to eat, okay? One way or another.”
“What are you going to do, st
eal food for me?” I asked, blushing some more.
“Yeah,” Josh said without hesitation. “I would steal food for you. I would do…” He cleared his throat. “Just keep eating. If you’re still hungry, let me know. We’ll get more food.”
I went back to the fries and nachos.
I ate slower.
I ate until I was really full.
Josh ate the rest.
Then we sat there under the soft glow of a streetlight, it’s low buzz the soundtrack to our silence.
I glanced down and saw my hand on the curb, an inch from Josh’s.
I bit my lip and wished more than anything that he would hold my hand.
I looked up, searching for a star in the sky to wish upon.
I couldn’t find a star though.
It was too cloudy.
But a few seconds later, Josh’s hand moved over mine.
I smiled.
He made me feel safe.
He made me feel okay.
He made me feel everything all at once.
Chapter 45
Give Me the Name
THEN
(Josh)
The house was completely trashed. More than I had ever seen it before. That meant someone had shown up with something they hadn’t paid for. And that someone had been found by the people who hadn’t been paid. Which meant the entire house was at risk.
“Murph, we should get the hell out of here,” I said to him.
“Fuck that,” he said. “This is our place, man.”
“Not like this. Something’s going to go down.”
Normally that kind of stuff didn’t bother me at all, but for some reason I had been thinking about Amelia a lot. She had nestled her way into my head and that wasn’t the worst thing to have happened for me. Everything surrounding me was loss. And now I was just waiting for Gram to die. Which sounded cold, but it was the truth. I had to bring myself to that truth and I had to speak in my mind with clear honesty because it was coming. There was no miracle waiting for her or for me.
In fact, thinking about Amelia and thinking about Gram dying had me thinking about what the hell I was doing with Murph, Nash, and Abel. What the hell the end game was.
“I think Josh is right,” Nash said. “This place looks bad. Really bad.”
“Let’s just get out of here,” I said. “Head over the hill and wait it out. We’ll come back in the morning.”
“You just want to see your girl,” Abel said.
“Yeah, exactly,” I said.
Murph looked at me. “You get that worked out yet?”
“We’ll talk later,” I said.
“We stay,” Murph said. “We fucking stay. This is our…”
I saw the flashing glow of police lights spilling into the front window and hitting the walls. The bright red, blue, mixing to make purple, and white lights.
“Fuck,” I said.
“Back door,” Murph said. “Cut straight through until you hit the main street.”
The four of us were the only ones not ripped out of our minds, so we were able to easily run through the cluttered house and out the back door.
The cops wouldn’t be looking for us. They’d take the easy arrests in the house. Shake everyone down for information. The house would be untouchable for a good week or two. Then the cops would move on and we could go back.
We ran over the hill until Murph finally put out a hand and stopped us.
“That’s good,” he said out of breath. “We’ll be good.”
“That was close,” Abel said. “I don’t like that.”
“Cops,” Nash said. “What the fuck, right?”
“Just avoid the house now,” I said. “We’ll find somewhere else to hang.”
“What about your place?” Murph asked. “Isn’t your grandmother ready to kick it?”
I stepped up to Murph. “Want to say that again?”
“Jesus, Murph,” Nash said. He grabbed Murph’s shirt and pulled him back. “Why would you say that?”
“Where are you with your girl?” Murph asked. “You never bring her around. What’s her name?”
“It’s my business.”
“You know how we do things,” he said.
“Not like this,” I said. “Not with… her.”
“You love her?” Nash asked.
“She’s not going to be touched by anyone but me. Ever. That’s my fucking rule.”
“You make rules now?” Murph asked.
“Hey, if he’s in love, it’s a different game,” Abel said. “He doesn’t even have to make up a name for her now.”
“Abel’s right, Murph,” Nash said. “Love changes everything.”
“Bullshit,” Murph said. “You love her?”
“Christ, man, I love her, okay? I’m trying to protect her. Her old man beats up her mother, and he goes after her. That’s why she runs to me. She doesn’t need this bullshit.”
“Then tell me her name,” Murph said.
“Delilah,” I said without hesitation.
That was going to be Amelia’s fake name when she was around us. That’s how we did it. Any girl would need to have a fake name. It was kind of a stupid rule that Murph made up because he didn’t have any ties to anyone. It wasn’t the worst idea because it kept us from falling for anyone and the girls who wanted to be near us usually liked to pick a name and pretend to be someone else.
But Amelia was different.
She wasn’t going to fall into this life.
She wasn’t going to get hurt.
“Delilah,” Nash said. “That’s a good name. What would her fake name have been?”
“Jess,” I said, another lie flying from my lips.
“Jess?” Murph said.
“What?” I asked. “Something simple. Easy to remember.”
“So, if you’re in love with Delilah,” Abel said, “that means you don’t go near anyone else.”
“No shit, man,” I said.
I shook my head.
I had no desire to go near anyone else.
Even when they were all hanging around girls, I had no desire to do anything. Not since I had been getting close to Amelia.
But I had no plan for her and I.
I was three years older than her.
My entire world was a fucking mess.
She ran to me for comfort and I felt like I was the fake one.
And I was supposed to bring her into the world of Murph, Nash, and Abel with a fake name.
“She’s cute as anything,” Murph said. “You’re lucky you got her.”
“I’m keeping her from you three.”
“I’ll just sweet talk her,” Nash said. “Oh, my Delilah, won’t you break my heart… oh, my Delilah, I’ll tear you apart…”
Nash started to kiss the air.
I lunged at him and threw a punch, hitting him in the jaw.
He turned and went down to his hands and knees.
Murph jumped at me, driving his shoulder into my arm. My neck snapped to the side really hard as I went down to the ground, Murph on top of me.
“Christ,” Abel called out.
He pulled Murph off me as Nash got back to his feet.
I sat there on my ass, filled with enough rage to take them all on.
Nash rubbed his jaw. “Fuck, man, you really have it bad for her.”
“He does,” Murph said and laughed. “You’re really in love.”
“Stay the fuck away from her,” I warned. “You see her coming, you walk away.”
“Come on,” Abel said. “Give him space.”
“Tell Delilah we said hey,” Nash called out.
Murph eyed me in a way that worried me.
But it would be okay.
All would be forgotten by tomorrow.
I climbed to my feet and rubbed my neck.
Murph, Nash, and Abel were already way out of sight.
I turned and looked down the long hill.
I had nobody I cared about anymore in my life.
Except her.
Except Amelia.
Except… Delilah…
We stopped outside her house.
“Hey,” I whispered. “You need to stay away from the people I hang out with.”
“What? I never go near them.”
“I know you don’t, Amelia. But just… never go near them.”
“Josh, what’s wrong? You seem different tonight.”
“I just have a lot on my mind. I got into a fight with them.”
“A fight?”
“I punched Nash in the face. Then Murph took me down. It was a mess. Abel broke it up and they took off.”
“Are you okay?”
Amelia’s eyes shined in the night.
I nodded. “I’ll be fine. Those guys are trouble.”
“And you hang out with them.”
“Don’t worry about that part.”
“Are you trouble?”
“I don’t know what I am anymore,” I said.
I don’t know what you are either, Amelia. I told the guys your name was Delilah. And it’s really fucked up because they wanted to know your fake name, but they think your fake name is your real name.
“I’m sorry to bother you.”
I squeezed her hand tighter. “You never bother me. Ever.”
“There are other girls, Josh. Girls your age. I know that. I know you’re not… I mean, we’re not together.”
I swallowed hard. “What are you worried about?”
“What I am to you. Or why I keep running to you. I’m a burden.”
“You’re not a burden, Amelia. Ever.” I touched her hair with my other hand. “I promise. And someday all of this will make sense. I’ll tell you everything. Right now though all I care about is you being safe. Getting sleep.”
“Will you walk me in again?” she asked.
“Of course I will. Is your father here?”
“No. He’s gone for the night.”
Inside the house, we found Amelia’s mother on the couch, asleep. The TV was on, the glow of the screen making shadows dance on the walls.
We went upstairs and I sat on the edge of Amelia’s bed as she fell asleep.
I had, in a strange way, gotten used to the smell of her house. But nobody like Amelia should have to live in a house like this one.
Maybe changing her name was a good thing.
A Letter to Delilah Page 28
