Our baby.
Our family.
Our future.
Our forever.
Josh came forward and latched onto my breast.
I cried out and drove my hips down with force against him. I moved forward and back with speed, feeling every perfect inch of him as I began to reach climax.
Josh pulled away from my breast with a teasing pop. His left hand raced up to my face and he forced me to look at him.
I stared into his eyes as I came, the deepest of aches finally being released. The explosion from my core, going in all directions, the most intense between my legs.
My body jerked up, suddenly wanting a moment of relief, but Josh wouldn’t allow it. He pulled me back down and held there, as deep as ever, my body pulsing against him, begging him to finish with me.
That’s when we kissed.
His fingers digging into my hair as the kiss went from romantic to sloppy.
He made a hurried move as he pushed from the bed and placed his hand to the small of my back, making sure we were still together as he rolled me to my back.
My hands grabbed his shoulders as he loved me some more.
He kissed my lips and inched down.
I arched my back as far as I could, feeling his tongue racing down my throat to my chest. He kissed as far down as he could without the lower half of his body leaving mine. He reversed the move back up and I moved my hands from his shoulders to his face.
I loved holding his face as he stared at me.
I loved the sound of love.
I loved the way it felt.
He kissed me again.
He then nestled his face into the curve of my neck.
His teeth grazed my skin again.
I gasped as I felt how full he was.
My hands tried to slide down his back, but they only made it halfway before he began to finish.
I froze and gasped.
Josh was heaven and hell combined.
And he was all mine.
I wrapped my arms around him.
I promised myself I would never let him go.
I lifted my head off Josh’s chest and watched him sleep.
He made me bite my lip like I was a teenager again. That time when I didn’t realize why I felt the way I felt or what I really wanted. Even though my innocence had long been taken, being near Josh back then gave me that innocence back. A different kind of innocence.
I kissed his chest and snuck out of the bed.
I grabbed Josh’s shirt off the floor and put it on. It was now my favorite shirt in the world.
I looked around the apartment. There was no way a baby would fit in here. And there was no way in hell I was bringing a baby into the apartment of cats either. That made me nervous, but it made me smile. Josh and I were going to find a place together. To have our own place. To raise our baby together.
There was no reason for me to be awake.
But it was a time when I actually didn’t feel sick. And my body felt comfortable and alive.
And maybe because I wanted to read the letter.
The second letter he wrote to Delilah. Or me. Or however anyone wanted to look at it.
I wanted to know everything about the life he had been living all those years ago. He made up a name for me to keep those guys away from me. He did everything he felt was right to protect me. But the past really didn’t matter anymore. This was about the present. The life we created and the life we were going to have.
I touched the letter and sort of wished that I didn’t want to see it as much as I did.
I thought about the first letter. What it said. What it meant to me.
The fact that it was written by Josh for me. The greatest love story I’d ever read, and it was my own.
I bit my lip again and slowly unfolded the piece of paper.
I gasped when I saw who the letter was to.
Dear Amelia,
He wrote it to me. Actually to me.
Not Delilah.
I blinked fast as I caught my breath.
Dear Amelia,
There aren’t enough words or years to truly find the right way to love you. It’s an endless journey, but the one I will take for the rest of my life. All the seconds I have and all the seconds I lost matter nothing to the seconds I dream of spending with you. The depths of the fire is where everything waits. Long fingers touching me, wanting to pull me down and pull me away.
That’s the only reason I pushed you away, love.
You couldn’t fall with me.
I live with regret.
To think of another loving you is the end of me. There is no other and there never can be. Your happiness will never be truly known or seen.
You pretended to be in the world of Delilah when you were living it all along.
You’re the pretty girl in the blue dress at the top of the hill on the spring day. You’re the pretty girl that comes racing toward me, jumping at the last second, trusting I’d catch you. And I would. I’d catch you and spin you around until we were both so dizzy we’d fall down and laugh. The clouds would spin until they turned dark and the stars would shine and buzz like the streetlight above us that night we sat together on the curb, chasing dreams in our minds but never speaking them.
I wish you could have met everyone else.
Delaney would have loved you. She would have taken to you like a big sister. She would have grabbed your hand and torn you away from me. She would have made you play all the girly games. You’d be the princess to her queen. You’d sip air that was tea. You’d laugh at her reactions. Maybe if you were there, things would have been different. Maybe you would have been that little bit of extra strength she needed. Is that even possible? I’ll never know.
Gram would have loved you too. She would have slipped an arm around you, hugged you, and whispered for you to run like hell from me. She would have rolled up a newspaper and smacked me in the arm over and over, making me promise to everything holy that I would never break your heart. She would forget about me in a loving way and take to you. Maybe if you were there, things would have been different. Your beauty and heart could have helped her laugh instead of shake. Your care and eyes could have shown her life when she was looking for death. Is that even possible? I’ll never know.
Those aren’t your scars to bear, love. They are mine. The life I had, hid from, lost, and will never have again. The only thing I’ll ever have now is you.
I folded the letter and shut my eyes.
My heart weighed a hundred pounds.
It pounded with a soft but powerful thud, over and over.
We had both been going through so much at the same time. And never once did he tell me what he was going through. He turned it all off for me. I ran to him every time it got to be too much at home. And he was always there to hug me, hold my hand, say what I needed to hear.
He gave everything to me.
And now I wanted to give everything back and then some.
I opened my eyes as I felt someone behind me.
“The only thing I ever want now is you,” Josh whispered.
I jumped and gasped.
Tears filled my eyes.
“I would live a thousand tragedies for the taste of one kiss, love,” he whispered. “I would relive everything from the first day until now just to see your face one more time. There never was Delilah. Just Amelia. Delilah was the ghost, the shadow, the broken hope that filled my heart when I told myself you would be happy somewhere else. Delilah was never supposed to hurt me, but she did. And it was my own doing. Until the second I saw you again. It came rushing back. No amount of whiskey could chase you away. You have me, Amelia. Today. Tomorrow. For as long as you want. Or need. But you… you are my forever…”
I looked down at the letter.
Josh had just spoken the rest of the letter, word for word.
I folded it back up and dropped it.
I didn’t need to read his words.
I had them to hear.
&
nbsp; I turned to face him.
He was shirtless, because I was wearing his shirt.
He touched my sides and I put my hands around his neck.
It looked like we were doing the pathetic middle school slow dance.
Except there was no music.
And we weren’t swaying.
It was just us, our eyes, all the truths we’d always known, but never faced.
The words forever and everything weren’t good enough.
“I bet she’ll have your eyes,” Josh whispered.
“She?”
He nodded.
“You can predict the future?”
“Sometimes,” he said.
“Oh really?”
“In three seconds, I’m going to steal your breath, make your heart race, and waste the rest of these early morning hours loving you.”
“That’s a bold-”
“Three, two, one,” Josh said.
He kissed me.
He scooped me up.
He was right.
My breath was gone.
My heart raced.
And he took me back to bed.
There was no place I’d ever felt safer in my life.
Chapter 48
A Meeting VI
A LITTLE WHILE LATER
(Josh)
“I had a new dream.”
“Oh? Are you willing to share it?”
“Yeah,” I said. I stood behind the couch. “They’re all there this time. Everyone. Finally. Together.”
“Everyone?”
“On the plane with me. It’s all of us. Delaney. Gram. Lilah. Amelia. It’s our plane. And we’re just flying through the air. Just living free. And everything is happiness. Delaney looks back at me and gives a wink. She walks to the door and opens it. I’m stuck in my seat, like I always am in the plane dream. I hurry to open the blind over my window. And I see green grass. Somehow the plane is flying so low it’s touching the tips of the blades of grass. It’s impossible…”
“Nothing is impossible in a dream, Josh.”
“Delaney jumps. She lands right in the grass and starts to run. She’s free. I can hear her laughing too. Then Gram goes next. She chases after Delaney in the grass. Lilah starts to laugh, and she jumps next. She goes in a different direction though. Now it’s just me and Amelia. She turns her head and just smiles at me. It’s just us, flying through… whatever.”
“Josh, you look happy right now.”
“It’s a pretty good dream, if you ask me.”
“If that’s how you feel, I like it. All this time you were worried about someone jumping out of the plane. Getting lost. Getting hurt. Flying next to the plane. But now you see they’re happy where they are.”
I laughed. “It’s just a fucking dream. My mind playing in the pool of its own memories like a kid after a rainstorm.”
“That’s a great description.”
“That’s what happens when you live with a writer,” I said with a wink.
“Can we talk about Amelia?”
I pushed away from the couch and motioned to the door. “This is where I say goodbye. For good. I kept my promise to everyone. And I mean, everyone. Now it’s time to keep a promise to myself.”
“Which is?”
I smiled as I opened the door to the office I never wanted to see again. Dr. Haier had been kind, patient, and helpful. She frowned, knowing I wasn’t going to return.
“What’s the promise to yourself, Josh?” she asked as she took off her glasses and shut her notebook.
“To make sure Amelia never gets off that plane… which is our life together.”
Epilogue
MONTHS LATER
(Josh)
I wasn’t a fan of the tux.
It wasn’t my style and even though I was properly fitted for it, it just didn’t feel right on my body. I felt choked. Sweaty. The lights above me were blinding and annoying as hell. The guy overseeing the wedding seemed way too happy to be there. There were too many people, murmurs and sniffles, and I couldn’t stop messing with my hands.
I watched Rae walk down the aisle toward Aaron and I almost started to shake my head.
In a good way though.
I was happy for them.
They were finally getting things in order.
It was a fast wedding planning fury for them. They managed to get it all together without killing each other, which was maybe their first test as a couple promising forever to each other.
Rae wore a short white dress without the traditional long train and veil over her head. It was her way or the highway and she played that card right into her wedding day. She had a tough chick grin on her face right up until she faced off with Aaron.
She burst into tears then laughed, which made everyone else laugh.
Toby jumped at Aaron and then hugged his mother, which got everyone right in the heart.
I crouched down and gave a quick whistle.
Toby looked back at me and smiled.
“Get back here, Best Man,” I whispered.
Toby trotted back, adjusting his tux jacket.
That got a laugh out of everyone.
We fist bumped and I stood up, making sure to put my hand to his head to keep him from moving again.
Rae moved her eyes for a split second to give me the death stare because I was messing up Toby’s already messy hair.
I moved my hand in defeat, I had promised myself - and Aaron - I wouldn’t cause a scene on their wedding day.
I was demoted to guy next to the best man by Rae. Which I figured was coming. She wouldn’t let me just be in the wedding without having some fun poking at me. Plus, she decided they were skipping the ring bearer and flower girl, which meant Toby had to be Aaron’s best man. Personally, I couldn’t agree more. Toby had done more for his parents than I could ever offer. I didn’t mind being guy next to the best man because that meant I didn’t have to sit at the head table at the reception. Toby was getting the attention and would steal it for the rest of the night. And their lives.
As I stood there and listened to Aaron and Rae confess their love for each other, I moved my eyes around the wide-open church and saw Amelia sitting near the corner of the front row. Her hands resting on her oversized belly, her eyes stuck to Aaron and Rae. She smiled every few seconds and her eyes looked a little glossy. I teased her and told her she was going to fall for this wedding stuff. She swore she wouldn’t. She’d blame the pregnancy hormones for it too.
I’d never seen anyone so beautiful in my life.
I didn’t understand how Amelia could get more beautiful with each passing day.
Watching her carry our daughter (I was right) and the way she handled herself like the strong woman I always knew she was. She talked to the baby. She read to the baby. She even wrote stories for the baby. If I painted something, she would describe it.
Everything about Amelia was perfect.
It was too good to be true… but each morning when I opened my eyes and saw Amelia, my dreams kept coming true.
“Hey, the rings,” a voice said to me.
I looked forward and Aaron stared at me with wide eyes.
Sweat collected at his hairline.
“Best man has the rings,” I said.
“What rings?” Toby asked in a loud voice.
I grinned.
Aaron didn’t.
Rae definitely didn’t.
I crouched again and reached into my pocket to get the rings.
I handed them to Toby and closed my fist over his.
“There are three here, little buddy. One for your mom. One for your dad. And there’s an extra one I got you. You keep that one safe forever, okay? Without you, Toby, none of this would be happening.”
“Can we hurry?” Toby asked. “I’m getting sweaty.”
I gave a nod and Toby turned and stuck his hand out for Aaron.
This time when I looked at Rae, she didn’t look as though she wanted to hurt me.
Which was go
od.
A cheap little ring had saved me in front of her.
Sort of.
She still had years of memories and dirt on me.
The rings were put on their fingers and the final vows spoken.
When Aaron kissed his bride for the first time, I looked at Amelia again.
She looked at me and fanned herself as she stuck out her tongue.
She rolled her eyes, trying to play it cool even though she wanted to cry at the wedding.
Pregnancy looked good on Amelia.
I looked good on Amelia.
Forever looked good on Amelia.
We ate. We danced. We laughed.
I held her close during the slow songs and whispered sometimes romantic and sometimes filthy things into her ear. Life was about balance. Always about balance. Except when it came to the way I felt about Amelia. That was one direction… me falling over and over for her.
Aaron carried Rae out of the reception with Toby running after them.
I took Amelia by the hand and we snuck out the back.
We ran through wet grass from the rain earlier in the day. She yelled and laughed as water splashed all over her beautiful dress and my rented tux.
When we got to my truck, I pinned her against it and kissed her like the world was on fire. She sometimes felt off because of her belly, but I never for a second took her or her belly for granted. I’d arch my back like a fucking acrobat to kiss her properly, no matter how big her belly got.
I took her home, took that beautiful dress off her beautiful body, held her by her curvy hips, and loved her until she rolled to her back and put her foot to my chest and told me to leave her alone. She said it with a wink and blew me a kiss.
I could never get enough of her.
Ever.
A Letter to Delilah Page 30
