by Erica M Kim
“Wow. That’s . . . huge. So, what made you choose medicine?”
“Ever since I was young, I loved the idea of helping people—especially children. And ultimately, I happened to love science and excelled in school. It just turned out to be my path in life. But med school is no joke! I sometimes question if I will be able to survive . . . but I’ve made it this far. I just have a couple of years left.”
“That’s so admirable. I wish I had a passion like that. My parents were both such passionate people. They would have loved to see me excel and pursue my dreams.”
“Lio told me about your parents. I’m sorry, Lunis.” Alex grasps my hand tightly, and I smile in earnest at her. “It must have been so hard for you to be left without any family. I can’t even imagine.”
“Yeah. It’s not easy.” I don’t know what else to say.
“Well, Lunis. I just hope you know that Lio cares about you a lot. I know that he wouldn’t have introduced you to me, or Aunt Lilia, unless he did.”
“I’m glad you think so. I care a lot about him too. I’ve actually never really had a boyfriend before . . .” My voice trails off as shyness overcomes me. “I’m rather new to this whole experience. But Lio somehow feels right. And I trust him.”
“It’s so weird talking about my brother this way. I’m really glad that I like you, Lunis. Because if Lio brought home some superficial idiot, I would be so pissed at him.”
Before long, the sun is heading down, and Alex, Shepard, and I are shopped out. We reach the end of the Promenade before parting ways.
“When do you head back to the Bay?”
“Tomorrow afternoon. I promise I’ll call you next time I’m back! It was so much fun, girl!” Alex pulls me into a tight squeeze. “Please, keep in touch! Don’t let my brother’s crazy antics scare you away.” She says the last part with a laugh. I join her because I know exactly what she’s talking about. But that’s also part of what I love about Lio Love. Did I just say love?
Back at home, not an hour has passed before I receive another text.
Lio: So I heard you’ve been spending some quality time with my lovely sister. Please tell me she did not divulge all my inner secrets?
Me: I’ll never tell :P
Lio: Alex is going to have to get a talking to. Next time I won’t be so generous with the jet.
Me: You wouldn’t dare!
Lio: You’re right. I wouldn’t. I can’t face the wrath of Alex, especially when I interfere with her number one hobby: shopping. You ladies have a good time together?
Me: Yes. She’s so great.
Lio: I’m glad :)
Me: So . . . what did you do today?
Lio: Daydream all day about last night.
Me: Wow.
Lio: I think I’ve replayed the scene in my head at least 100 times. And I can’t wait to actually play it out 100x more.
Me: You’re making me blush.
Lio: You’re exquisite.
Me: Stop ;)
Lio: I miss you. Terribly. Going an entire day without you has been torture.
Me: Ditto. See you tomorrow?
Lio: I’ll come by the shop by 5. Sweet dreams, doll.
Me: You too, Lio. xoxo
As I curl up into bed that night, a realization dawns on me. Lio has become a part of my life. A part that I can’t imagine living without. I’ve come to accept him, and more importantly, I think I can start to accept who I am. I believe that we can have a life together—something I’ve never imagined before. I’m willing to giving it a try, at the very least. I can live two lives, right? I’ll find a way to make it work.
To prove my point, I drag myself out of bed and decide to burn the midnight oil researching Vincent Moreno’s file.
I learn about Vincent’s henchmen, especially the evil-looking barbarian named Carlos, who is Vincent’s right-hand man. He specializes in knives and seems to be the brute muscles behind Vincent’s elegant facade. Given Vincent’s dark fetishes, I am certain that he has some kind of chamber where he unleashes his predilections onto his victim. It has to be in one of the locked rooms that he passed by during my visit. I stare at the map I sketched out, trying to guess which room it could be. Before long, I’m falling asleep with the file slipping away from my hands.
36
My parents’ death haunted me day after day, night after night, for a very long time. With Damien’s death, I had descended into a dark place, and with my parents’ death, I descended straight into hell. In my wretched state, I also discovered that they had accumulated a mountain of debt over the years while waiting to obtain tenure at the university. All the years of sending me to bunk psychiatrists and therapists probably didn’t help either. I was quickly forced to give up the home I grew up in to pay off the debt.
Everything my parents owned was eventually sold. The soft, brown leather sofa my mom found at the Rose Bowl Flea Market after months of searching, the antique coffee table where we frequently played board games, and even my own beat up, junky car, so that I could get out of debt. Tears streamed down my face as I watched a truck haul away most of our personal items. All I ended up keeping were a few pictures, a diamond-crusted crescent moon-shaped necklace my father had given my mother as a wedding present, and enough clothes to last me a week.
One afternoon, while in the attic cleaning out the junk that my parents collected over the decades, I came across a dusty mauve colored box. It had all sorts of memorabilia from my parents’ wedding and also their honeymoon, which I knew was in Turkey. It was also where I found the moon-shaped necklace.
After carefully inspecting photos, receipts, and travel books, I found an envelope with my name on it. Why would something with my name be in a box with honeymoon memorabilia? I carefully pulled out the folded note. It revealed my mother’s neat cursive.
Dear Lunis,
You are our unborn wonder, and every time I feel you squirm around in my belly, I am both amazed by life and elated to one day hold you in my arms. Your father and I already love you so much. You see, we were already told by doctors that it would be impossible to conceive a child. But yet, you will be here within just a month. You are a miracle.
There is something we must tell you. It is about the story of your conception and the supernatural entity we encountered during our honeymoon.
To celebrate our new vows, your father and I traveled to the ancient city of Latmos Herakleia, which is now the quaint village of Kapikiri, Turkey. This was where the goddess of the moon, Selene, seduced the innocent and beautiful mortal, Endymion the shepherd, one of our favorite Greek mythologies.
As we climbed into the base of Mount Latmus, we admired the vast blue waters of Lake Bafa and the rising full moon, feeling wondrously energized and so excited. At last, we found what we were looking for—a small cave that overlooked the beautiful, serene lake.
We were lost in excitement and passion when we heard a melodic voice booming from every corner of the cave. “Who dares to brandish their love in front of me so foolishly?” A light blinded us, and we trembled out of fear and disbelief.
“As punishment for your foolishness and for reminding me of what I cannot have, I curse the child that you beget today so that she may never find permanence. She will change as I change. She will rise and fall, ebb and grow. Her constant metamorphosis will be the bane that causes love to elude her, as it eludes me.”
At first, we thought someone was playing a practical joke on us. After searching the cave, we found that we were alone.
We will never, ever forget those words, that sad voice, and what it meant. It meant that we would have a child, something doctors told us would be impossible—and that she would be cursed.
Was it Selene we heard that night? Was it another goddess? We will never know.
While you aren’t born yet, and we don’t know you, we plan to love you with all our hearts, no matter what. It makes no difference who you are, or what you are. You are our miracle, and we thank whoever we heard, Selene, or another
entity, for blessing us with you, our dear Lunis. We plan to one day tell you the truth when you are ready. But in the event that the truth cannot be revealed by us, we are writing this letter to preserve the truth so that it does not get lost forever. We love you and cannot wait to hold you.
Love,
Mommy and Daddy
Upon reading the letter, my entire body shook with shock and disbelief. Cursed by a goddess? It couldn’t be true, right? I would never know love? It had to be some type of fictional story made up by Classics professors. But why would they make up something like that? Is that why they kept it hidden because it was nothing but a story? So many questions raced through my mind. And I would never know the truth.
During the full moon, I had never felt any sort of divine presence. If anything, I felt the complete opposite of divinity. I put the letter away and fought the unnerving uneasiness with logic and skepticism.
I cleaned the rest of the house with my mind entirely distracted, replaying the story within the letter over and over again. Now on top of my grieving heart, a heavy layer of confusion coated everything I knew. I wanted to blame my parents for my existence, my curse, and everything that went wrong, but I couldn’t. Their death, and Damien’s death, was still my fault. I decided to bury the contents of the letter deep within my heart and believe that it was all a mythological story. It was easier that way. There were a hell of a lot fewer questions that way.
The day I left the house, I felt a piece of my soul break away and wither into nothing. My childhood memories, the contents of that letter, the personal items that I knew and loved fluttered away in the wind. My heart was fractured into a million jagged pieces. I would never forgive myself, ever.
37
It’s nearly five in the morning, and I wake up for the day. I wish for slumber to wash over me again, but sleepiness is pulling away from me, leaving me wide awake. I decide to start my day with some strength training in the gym. Once it feels like my arms are going to fall off my body, and my heart is going to explode from my chest, I jump in the shower.
I arrive at the shop an hour before it opens and head straight to the office to dive into Vincent’s file for the last time. Lost so deep into the final pages of the folder of Markus’s notes, I fail to hear Ramon enter the shop and leap out of my seat when I see him standing in the doorway of the office.
“Good morning, Ramon!” My voice is unusually cheery as I slam the file shut and hastily shove it into the safe. Ramon greets me before heading to the washroom to prepare for the day.
Shepard’s owner comes to pick him up, and he is ecstatic to go home. We have eight appointments today, and the day is flying by. Ramon is rather silent throughout the day. I’m worried that he should be at home taking care of his sister instead of working.
“Is Anabel doing okay, Ramon?”
“She is doing better.” He answers curtly. With that, I leave him alone and don’t prod him for more. Who knows, maybe his girlfriend broke up with him.
Before long, we are drying the last appointment and waiting for owners to pick up their dogs. Ramon has already started cleaning up the tubs when I call out to him.
“I won’t be coming in for the next few days. I already lined up our appointments so that you’re not too busy, and feel free to book any new appointments for next week.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“I’ll see you on Friday. Call me if you need anything.”
It’s late afternoon when Ramon leaves for the day, and I go through the methodical process of cleaning both the shop and my body. Then I wait for Lio to arrive. He’s already twenty minutes late, which is very uncharacteristic of him. I decide to give him a ring to check up on him and he answers immediately.
“Lunis, are you okay?” His voice sounds panicked.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Where are you? Is everything okay?”
“Go inside your office and lock the door. I’ll explain when I see you. I need to focus on driving right now.” Then he hangs up. Worry and anxiety start to gnaw at me, but I do as he says and take the pistol out of the safe, unlock it, and hold it firmly at the ready.
Another ten minutes goes by before I hear the front door to the shop open and close. I hear Lio’s voice calling my name, so I leave the office, though I tuck the pistol in the waistline of my pants at my back. Lio looks unnerved, his hair a mess, as he walks straight toward me and pulls me into a hard embrace. That’s when I notice Lio’s Range Rover is parked in front of my shop. The door to his Range Rover has bullet holes scattered all over it, and his front and side windows are shattered.
“Holy shit, Lio! What happened?!” My voice is trembling as I inspect his face and body to make sure he is unhurt.
“I’m fine, Lunis.” His voice doesn’t sound scared anymore, and if anything, he is agitated.
“Who did this?”
“Vincent Moreno is not your friend or landlord,” Lio spits out the name as if he can’t stand the taste of it. “You lied, Lunis.” With this last statement, Lio glares at me. He sounds so disappointed that I can’t help but flinch under his icy stare.
“Lio, just tell me what happened, and I can explain.” I wasn’t sure that I could explain, but I would try.
“As I was leaving the house, I got a phone call from an unknown number. Thinking it was a business call, I answered, and Vincent Moreno was on the line.” Lio pulls me toward the office. “Let’s get away from the windows in case someone finds me.”
Once we are in the office, Lio continues. “He demanded to know my relationship with you. He threatened me, but I didn’t take him too seriously. I just kept thinking about the old guy outside of your place the other night.” Lio’s hand rakes through his hair, his eyes wide again as he recalls the incident.
“On PCH, one of his henchmen tracked down my SUV and started shooting. I don’t know how he knew where I was. Luckily there weren’t a lot of cars around, and I was able to lose them by taking a quick turn and then using side streets to get here. I was worried I was being tailed for several streets. It was a close call.”
Lio uses his hand to squeeze his temples as he closes his eyes. “Lunis, these people are not amateurs. They are ruthless and willing to do whatever it takes to remove a threat.” He says as he grabs both my arms. “Whatever your involvement is with them, you need to end it now. You cannot be in business with them. You cannot associate with them. They will kill you at any cost.” Lio’s eyes are frantic, and his breath is erratic as he pulls me to his chest. Utter despair rises in me to see him like this.
“Oh, Lio.” My voice shakes as my worst nightmare has finally become a reality. “I am so sorry that you are getting pulled into all of this. I never wanted to put you in harm’s way. In fact, it has been my greatest fear. And it looks like I am too late. I should have ended . . . our relationship . . . long before this could ever have happened.” My eyes start to fill with tears realizing that it was sheer luck that Lio was still alive and standing before me. I am truly a living, breathing, killing machine in every sense of the way. I am such a fool for even starting to believe this relationship is something I could keep.
“Lio, these last few weeks together have been the most incredible moments I’ve experienced. But it’s time for us to end this. I can’t bear the thought of you getting hurt.” I take a step backward, releasing his hand.
“Lunis, don’t shut me out now.” Lio’s hand reaches for mine again, and I flinch away. If I let him touch me, I won’t be able to walk away. “You need me during this time. I told you that I would keep you safe to the best of my abilities. You know you can trust me. Please.” Lio’s eyes are imploring, his hands still outstretched toward me. “You need to step away from Vincent, not me.”
“I’m afraid I can’t do that, Lio. I’m in too deep. My business with him goes too deep. If I were to renege on my commitment, it would only be a matter of time before someone else comes after me. This is the life I’ve chosen,” I say with finality, daring a glance into Lio’s eyes. I see p
ain staring back at me, and I cringe as I look away. “Please leave.”
“Lunis, please. I need you in my life. Don’t push me away. Let me help you. We can get through this together.” Lio’s voice is pleading, and I nearly give in at hearing it. But I stay strong. It’s for the best. It’s the only way to protect him from my life. From me.
“I will only hurt you, Lio. I’m grateful to the gods that you aren’t already dead because of me. Leave now, Lio.” My voice sounds despondent as I stare at Lio’s brown suede shoes to hold back the tears. I feel Lio’s eyes stay on me for an eternity before he rakes a hand through his hair in agitation and stands between the doorway of the office.
“Lunis, you know you can always count on me. I’ll always be there for you, even though you think you need to push me out. I want you to know that you’re not alone. You don’t need to do this alone.” I don’t even respond to this because I think if I do, my voice won’t work. Tears break the dam and make their entrance onto my face, and I’m begging them to stop, at least until Lio is completely out of the shop.
Once the front door shuts, I crumple to the floor. My breathing is ragged as I wholeheartedly sob into my arms. No matter how many times I try to convince myself that this is for the best, my tears won’t stop. My lungs gasp for air, and I try to calm down, but it’s useless. My chest hurts, and it feels like a cavernous hole has been punched through it.
I weep for extinguishing the only love I’ve felt in years. I howl at the damn curse I live with and the monster I’ll become. I wail because there’s absolutely nothing I can fucking do about it.
I must have spent at least a couple of hours crying on the floor of Hair of the Dog. After I have no more tears left to cry, and my throat is hoarse and sore, I get up and lock the shop. Instead of taking my car home, I decide to run. Full speed. As I do so, body and soul are renewed as it stirs a different kind of energy within me. An energy made up of a swirling concoction of hate and determination. An energy that will spear a fucking hole through Vincent Moreno’s heart in just three days.
