by Quell T Fox
“I need time to think.”
“Take the night to think. I’ll come back tomorrow.” He walks through the living room and towards the back door. He reaches for the handle but before he opens it, he pauses.
“I understand this is a lot to take in, but please remember,” He turns his gaze away from the floor and meets my eyes, his expression going from playful to serious, “now that you know, we don’t have a lot of time. There will be people after you. That feeling you have towards me, that pull, that’s your Immortalite instincts. It is far overdue to be bonded with you. It will get worse and it will get stronger. It will light you up like a beacon to the hunters. And if they find you…well, let’s just hope they don’t.” He steps through the door, shutting it softly behind him. My eyes never leaving that door.
Just like that, he’s gone.
I stand there, longer than I should. My brain full of too many thoughts, questions, fears, doubts and many other things. I am mentally exhausted. It has been a long and trying day. I want my bed. Putting both cups into the sink, I tell myself that I’ll wash them tomorrow. I drag ass to the bedroom, halfway up the stairs regretting not choosing to sleep on the couch. I don’t bother getting undressed, because I don’t want to waste the little bit of energy that I have left.
Times like this, I wish I had a friend. All though, I’m not sure how helpful that would be in this situation. I couldn’t explain any of this to someone. It’s one of those rules, and as Jacob said, it’s dangerous and I wouldn’t want to put someone else into harm’s way. They’d probably think I was crazy anyway. I wonder if I had any Immortalite friends back in the day, I should ask Jacob. But what am I supposed to do? How do I know that I’ll be making the right choice?
It’s trying to tell you that this is the path you should take.
Jacobs words reverberate through my mind. He’s right about a few things. I should listen to my instincts, I do feel that pull inside of me, I know that he would never influence me. I don’t know how I know this, but I do. But most of all, he’s right about me giving myself to him, because more than I need air to live, that is what I want. The strangest part, it’s not about wanting him, I mean I do, I really do, my body is acting like a fifteen-year-old virgin for crying out loud, what gets me, is that I want to give myself to him. It isn’t about wanting him physically, no. It’s about wanting to give all of me to him. That is the most confusing thing, that is not something that I have ever considered before.
Dammit! My bath. Again, I did not get to take my damn bath. I fist my hands and slam them on the bed. Maybe I’m overreacting a little, but can you blame me? After the day I’ve had, I’m surprised that’s all I’m doing. What does it take for a girl to get a bath? Maybe I should just give up. Seems the bath and I were never meant to be. I look to the open door leading to the bathroom and I contemplate getting up, but it doesn’t matter to me right now. I don’t want it. I want Jacob. The feeling I would get from taking a hot bath, the soothing feeling of the water, the fresh sensation of breathing in the steam, those feelings of relaxation will never compare to what I feel when I am near him.
I try to recall the dreams I’ve had. Now that I know what they were caused by, I try to piece them together. The more I grab at the memories, the more they break into smaller pieces and are harder to find. All I can remember is something about a wagon, jail cell bars and a very sad man, who I can only assume is Jacob. When he explained what happened to me, it did seem familiar. Kind of like déjà vu, but not at the same time. It sounded to me like a story that I had heard a very long time ago, and even though I couldn’t remember the details, I know that I’d heard it before. Like something I had done, but completely forgot about it until someone reminded me.
What do I know for sure? I know that I wasn’t planning on staying here. I know I wasn’t going to have a happily ever after with Andrew. I know that I’m kind of fucked up. I know that Andrew deserves better.
Well, that’s helpful.
Nothing about Jacob is a sure thing. However, there is no way to deny the way my body acts when he’s next to me. It just takes control, without needing consent from my brain. It is completely instinctual. Hormones? Could be, but why now? And why him? The bond thing, I can’t say whether that is true or not. There is no solid evidence. I should have asked him for proof, like making Raven do a backflip or something. That would have freaked me out, but I’d have to believe him at that point. Sometimes even when you see something, your brain will still tell you it’s not right. It has been conditioned into believing things are a certain way and when something goes against that, it doesn’t matter what you see, hear or are told. It’s still not right. There are too many unknowns to make a logical decision.
But, I have to choose.
Just choose.
Simple, right?
Letting out a long and slow breath, I go through my options.
Option one, Jacob.
Worst case, he’s a psycho who is trying to kidnap me to make me his wife and have his babies or murder me. Best case, everything he says is true and the feelings that I have are something I can hold onto for the rest of my life, or forever, I guess? I can’t stop thinking about that feeling of belonging that washes over me when he touches me. The feeling of being home.
Option two, Andrew.
I stay here, delaying the inevitable. Counting down the time that I have left with him, because thoughts of leaving have already crossed my mind. Possibly being in danger, putting him in danger, too. I forgot about that little tidbit. What I have with Andrew, this is it. There is nothing more that I will get out of us. Andrew is a dead end for me. Best case with Andrew is the worst case. That is not a life that I want to live. Not anymore.
I know what I want to do. My brain arguing against it and telling me that it’s wrong, because it isn’t normal, but when have I ever been normal? I haven’t, and I don’t plan to start now.
***
I’ve been sleeping for only a short time, when something wakes me. I don’t need to see him to know that he’s here. I sense his energy nearby. It’s pitch-black in the room, it must be a cloudy night because moonlight is not flooding through the large windows. I squint my eyes, trying to force myself to see through the darkness, but it doesn’t make a difference. Telling myself it was another dream; I start to doze off again.
I’m somewhere between awake and asleep when I feel the bed dip.
Sleep land moves further away and I’m more awake than asleep. Keeping my eyes shut, I listen, and focus. I look within myself to feel what my soul feels.
I knew it wasn’t a dream.
Someone is getting into bed with me. Yeah, I should probably check who it is, but I know that I don’t have to. Before my brain can argue, I smell him, and I know all is right. His soft breathing is all I can hear, his warmth filling the area behind me. I smile inside my head because my body is too tired to physically smile. His chest pushes flush against my back and he hooks his arm around my waist, pulling me into him that last little bit. I feel him nuzzle his face into my hair, breathing me in. I feel the gentle kiss he places on my shoulder. I feel warm and I feel happy. I feel like this is where I belong.
When I wake, I’m alone. My brain telling me that I imagined it all, but now I know the difference. I know that you should not always listen to your brain, but trust in yourself and sometimes you should trust in others. I know that was not a dream, I know Jacob was here with me last night, because he wanted to be. I know that was the best sleep I have had in a long time. I know I feel awakened, like a new person. A door of knowledge has opened in my mind. I’m no longer questioning what I should do, no. I know what I need to do. I’m certain of my choice. I feel confident and fuck anyone that tries to get in my way. I’m tired of running, tired of the new apartments, the new guys, the new towns. I’m tired of pretending like everything is okay, like I am okay with this life I have made for myself. I’m not. It’s not about want anymore, it’s about need and needs should always be a prio
rity.
I need to belong.
I need to go home, and home is with him.
I need Jacob.
CHAPTER 13
Thunder rolls across the sky, shaking the house slightly. It’s dark and rainy outside, the same way it’s been since I woke up. The weatherman said it was going to snow today, but I guess it isn’t cold enough yet. I enjoy the snow more than I enjoy the beach. I’ve been pretending that I’ve never experienced snow for so long that I’ve almost forgotten what it is like. I think I’ll plan a vacation to somewhere cold. Spend a long week enjoying the snow, as an apology for denying its excellence. A real vacation, what would that be like?
Vacations were not something my family did. I’m not sure why, we just didn’t. Now that I’m older, and I see the struggles of adult life, I wonder if it was money. Then again, I see them travelling the world with money not being an issue. Senior year, they offered to pay for college, in hopes it would get me to go. They bought me a car as a gift for passing my driving test. No, money wasn’t the problem. The more I think about this, the weirder it seems. It’s not something I’ve thought about before, but now that I do, it doesn’t seem right.
I don’t know what exactly it was that Jacob said yesterday to make me change my outlook on things. Perhaps everything? Just all of it. My mind needed time to process. I can’t be sure, but what I do know is that I woke up feeling like a different person, with a whole new attitude on life. I’ve decided that focusing on my instincts is what I need to do. No more questioning myself about choices because they are different. I’m going to stop listening to what my brain is telling me and start listening to what my gut is telling me. Hey, maybe that’s stupid, but I don’t care. I don’t want to live with doubt anymore, I just want to live the way that I want to live.
It’s funny how your brain can tell you one thing, your gut will tell you another and then instincts say something else. Who do you listen to? The voice we choose to listen to, that’s what makes us all different and that’s okay.
Most people would look at my life and think I’ve already been doing whatever I want, but that isn’t entirely true. I hold back, just a little. Afraid to go full force. Full Asha. Who knows what would happen if I did that. Well, the world is about to find out. I am about to find out and it isn’t as scary as I thought it would be.
Growing up, there are things we are taught that we should do and things that we shouldn’t do, but you have to ask yourself why. Why shouldn’t we do them? Are we not doing things because they are laws of the universe that we should be following, or are we not doing them because someone taught us that they are wrong, solely because it is part of their own belief? I believe that you can believe whatever you want, but it is yours and yours alone. Everyone has choices and should be allowed to make them.
We should never harm someone intentionally, that is a law of the universe that everyone should follow. Not wanting to get married, what’s wrong with that? What is really wrong with that? It’s frowned upon because it is different, that’s it. It’s not actually wrong. Yet, people judge those who choose that for their life. Most of us grow up knowing that’s what life leads to. It’s unfair. It’s unfair for people like me, and I’m done letting the unfairness of others decide the comfort of my own life. I haven’t been true to myself, and I’m not okay with that.
The more I think about the conversation with Jacob, the more my life makes sense. The feeling of never belonging, of having to move so often because where I was just wasn’t right. Was that my Immortalite-self pushing me to find Jacob? For us to be here, at the same time, is baffling. There’s no other explanation. As hard as it is for my brain to understand, another part of me knows it is true, and since I’ve decided that I’m no longer listening to my brain, then I need to go with it. Accept it and go with it. We all have our own idea of a happily ever after, and I’m ready to have mine.
I’m done waiting and I am most definitely done pretending. I am doing this. I am choosing to put all my faith into Jacob. A man that I met less than a week ago, that I know nothing about. I am choosing to believe in my instincts that have not shut up since meeting him. I’m going to trust him, which is hard for me because I don’t trust anyone. Not fully. Yet, those instincts are telling me that he is the one I should be trusting. This is what life has laid out for me. This is what I want. I want whatever I get, with Jacob.
***
It’s late afternoon, he’s still not here. Yeah, I know. He didn’t say when he would be here, but I assumed, okay, I was hoping that it would be earlier in the day. After having a taste of these new feelings, it’s all I want and all I think about. This seems dangerous, but deep inside I know that it isn’t. If anything, he’ll be the one protecting me from the danger. That’s only right, since he’s the reason I’m in danger in the first place.
That’s not true, and not fair of me to say.
Boy, am I grouchy today?
My stomach rumbles and I realize I haven’t had breakfast. I open the fridge, it’s empty. Figures. Guess I’ll have to order something. Picking up my cell, I search for food near me. I’m not sure what I’m in the mood for. To be honest, I don’t feel hungry, I’m not craving food the way I normally do. I hope I’m not getting sick. Food has always been my greatest happiness. I find a place that looks good, I decide to call. I hear the first ring, when the doorbell goes off. The doorbell? I didn’t know we had one of those. Ending the call, I put my phone down and go to the door to open it.
Narrowing my eyes at the sexy piece of meat standing on the other side, I cross my arms. Yep, I’m grumpy today. He holds up a cup of coffee in one hand and a bag in another. The bag is small, couldn’t possibly be filled with enough food, but food is food.
“Why did you leave last night?” That came out a little snarky. Where does he stay anyway? Does he have family around here, friends? What if it’s a girl? Not that I have a right to be jealous or anything. I’m the one with the boyfriend. But even thinking about him being next to a girl makes my stomach burn with jealousy. Yet another thing that is new for me.
“I didn’t want to frighten you. I also did not think you would remember.”
“What’s in the bag?”
“You do know it’s raining out here, right?”
I don’t budge. “You chose to ring the bell. You had no issue getting into my house any other time. Not my problem. What’s in the bag?”
“Danishes. They used to be your favorite.”
I snatch the bag from his hand and move aside, widening my eyes impatiently. He wipes his feet before crossing the threshold. He places the coffee on the counter and takes off his jacket, that is soaked by the way. He holds it in his hand and raises his eyebrows, silently asking where to leave it. We don’t have a coatrack. I take his jacket and head to the basement. I throw it in the dryer, setting it on medium heat for 20 minutes. Should be enough, for now.
As I walk back upstairs, I notice Jacob sitting on the couch in front of the TV, but it’s off. His knee is bouncing up and down. A nervous tic. Something I haven’t seen him do before.
Why?
He’s dressed in tight fitting jeans, black boots and a navy short sleeved v-neck. His arms are deliciously toned. His skin that perfect shade of tan that every girl would kill for, including me. It looks like he has a tattoo on his arm, but it’s hidden under the sleeve. He moves to get more comfortable and I swear I see some ink on his chest, too. Swoon. Can this guy get any sexier? I don’t know what it is about tattoos and piercings, but they make guys look much yummier.
The few other times I’ve seen him he was wearing long sleeved shirts, or his jacket. I couldn’t scope out his bod, and I’m kind of sad I missed out on those opportunities, because I am totally enjoying what I’m seeing.
He doesn’t notice that I’m back upstairs, or he does but he’s acting like he doesn’t. I move around to the front of the couch, he looks up at me, his brows furrowed, his face filled with worry. Something must be wrong. Leaning forward, he
rests his forearms on his thighs and clears his throat.
“Look Asha, I know this is difficult for you. You have no idea who I am, but this is hard for me too. I lost you long ago and I have spent years trying to find you. It has not been easy. I don’t know what I can do to make you believe me, but I swear I will do anything. I promised you that I would find you and I have. Now, I don’t know what to do. I didn’t think this far. A part of me thought that I would never find you, because it was near impossible. I hoped and wished that I would find you again. It was the only thing getting me out of bed every morning. I don’t think I could continue on if I lost you again. I don’t have it in me.”
This is what’s bothering him? He’s worried that I’m going to push him away, that I’m going to tell him I don’t believe him. That I’m going to leave him, again. That is so far from the truth, but how fucking romantic is he?
Sitting on the couch, my back to the arm, I cross my legs Indian style. The energy radiating from him is palpable, to the point that I can almost see it. I’m not sure if this is normal and it isn’t the time to bring it up. I file it away in the folder labelled “Questions to ask Jacob”.
“I’ve always lived my life pretending to be something I’m not. I go each day trying to be what most people call normal. Even though I’ve never felt that way. The way I’ve lived my life up until today hasn’t been for me.” I reach out and take his hand in mine. I look at the way my hand fits perfectly into his, and my heart warms. He feels good. Even something this simple, is such a big thing with him. My eyes move up to meet his and he’s watching me intently. I smile. “Until now.” I look into his eyes, and I know this is right.
“I’m choosing to trust you, Jacob. I don’t know why, other than it just feels right. Nothing In my life has ever felt right before. I’ve spent barely any time with you, but just in these few times, I’ve felt a connection with you that I didn’t even think was possible. I don’t know what it means, but I want to find out.”
