by Amy Lillard
And she surely couldn’t tell him all the reasons why she wanted to get married to him. Well, not to him, but he was the only choice she had aside from moving to Ethridge and looking for a mate there in the larger settlement. But she loved Pontotoc. She had been there almost as long as she could remember. She didn’t want to move, but she did so desperately want a family. Badly enough to propose to a man she barely knew.
It was beyond forward and completely out of character for her. And he just sat there staring at her as she held his sleeping baby in her arms and waited for his answer. Why wasn’t he answering?
Because he didn’t want to get married. It was too soon after his wife’s death. He didn’t like her. He didn’t want to get married again.
Or maybe it was simply God’s will, which felt a little like running away from the truth. And the truth was that he didn’t want to marry her. If he did, he would have said so by now.
Every nerve ending she had hummed with embarrassment. She had to get out of there, save what she could of her self-respect. She wanted to jump to her feet and run as fast as she could back to her buggy. She wanted to go home, where she could lock herself in her room, crawl under the covers, and not come out until time ended or Matthew moved away, whichever came first.
But she still held Baby Grace.
“I—” she started, then shook her head. She rose to her feet, careful not to disturb the child. “I’ll just put her down.” She nodded toward the baby in her arms, waiting for him to rise and show her the way to the child’s room.
But she just stood there. One heartbeat. Two. Three, each one more painful than the last. “Where does she sleep?”
Matthew jerked as if he had been poked in the side. Had he been that deep in thought, trying to come up with a way to turn her down gently, so as to not interfere with his regular delivery of food? Slowly he rose to his feet without meeting her gaze. “In here.” He didn’t wait for her to follow but headed down the hallway to the right. Down two doors, then he turned.
The room was plain, even by Amish standards. The walls were stark white and held no pictures, or murals; the only indicator that the room was occupied by a growing baby was the small wooden crib pushed against one wall. The curtains on the windows were plain white, thin and gauzy to let in light and the breeze, but still add a little measure of privacy. That was one thing they had learned in their district: Other settlements might find curtains to be vain and prideful, but the privacy they offered was worth a great deal more.
“There.” Matthew gestured toward the crib.
The sheets were pale yellow, like dreamy sunshine. Gracie would lay her down, even though she wanted to hold her forever. But after Matthew’s reaction to her proposal, she knew that was never going to be.
She eased the baby onto the bed, careful not to disturb her slumber, then brushed the blond curls back from her face. It wasn’t like she would do this again, and tears pricked at her eyes.
She blinked them back. She wasn’t going to feel sorry for herself. She had tried, but God’s will would prevail, and it seemed He wanted her forever single. Well, so be it.
Behind her Matthew cleared his throat. She straightened, then walked toward him, refusing to drop her chin or her gaze. She had tried. She had nothing to be ashamed of. Though she felt a little shamed. She wanted a baby, a family of her own so badly that she could almost taste it. Why was it that God saw fit to hold that dream from her? She would probably never know.
She brushed past Matthew and into the front of the house. The baby’s room was way too small for the two of them and the hallway even worse. She only had to keep her chin up for a few more steps, then she would be outside, and she could make her escape.
“Where are you going?” he asked, following behind her.
She didn’t turn around, just shot a quick wave to the boys as they called good-byes from the couch. “Home.”
“But—”
“Enjoy your meal.” She escaped out the front door and rushed down the steps like the devil was on her heels. As quickly as she could, she swung herself up into the buggy and turned the horse around. She looked back. She needn’t have bothered. Matthew had not followed after her. Another testament to the fact that they were not meant to be a couple. Or maybe she was not meant to be a wife. And the sooner she came to terms with that, the better off she would be.
* * *
“Da-at,” Henry called. “Who was that?” The sheer urgency in his voice told Matthew that this wasn’t the first time he had asked.
“Shhh . . . you’ll wake the baby,” Stephen hushed.
“Can we get up?” Henry asked, his voice lower but still more suited for outside than in.
But at least that question kept Matthew from having to answer the other one. “Is the big hand on the four?”
Henry scrunched up his face. “When I look at it like this it is.”
“What about when you look at it normal?” He had long since stopped laughing at all of Henry’s antics.
The boy’s expression fell. “No.”
Of all his children, Henry was the biggest challenge. Even the twins together couldn’t hold a candle to Henry’s capers. Matthew loved him all the more for his spunk and inventive personality, but there were times . . . And this was one of them.
“Then there’s your answer.” Matthew tried not to sigh, but he was just so tired.
“I told you.” Stephen crossed his arms as if completely satisfied with himself.
“Stephen . . .” Matthew intoned the warning in a low, rumbling voice.
So tired he was beginning to wonder who this time-out punished more, him or the boys.
“Five more minutes,” Matthew told them while he wondered how in the world he was going to keep them there for another five. They had already been sitting there that long, and that in itself had been a chore. But he couldn’t have them jumping out of the hayloft onto the loaded wagon below. Granted, the wagon was loaded high with hay and the fall was no more than ten feet. That was still a lot of distance for a body to get hurt. He couldn’t have that. He didn’t think he could handle any broken arms or legs or necks. He simply couldn’t take any more.
He had been trying to get the baby to sleep when he heard the commotion. He had gone outside to find them doing their jumps and falls out of the hayloft. He had yelled at them to stop, which made Grace cry . . . again. It seemed that was all she did. Eunice Gingerich had asked him at church if she was colicky, but he didn’t know what that meant. He had helped Beth as much as he could with the boys, but they had never had to deal with anything like this. So he asked Eunice what it entailed. That’s when he decided: Grace didn’t have a stomachache. She just missed her mother.
Me too. Especially in times like this. She had a handle on the boys. And she knew what to correct and what to let go. Matthew felt like he was swimming with weights tied to his feet. As soon as it seemed like he had his head above water, something came along and pulled him under again.
And just when he had the boys seated on the couch with a stern warning not to move an inch and the baby was almost asleep, Gracie Glick came knocking at the door.
Asking him to marry her.
He had never heard of anything so bold in his life. Frankly, he didn’t know Gracie had it in her. She seemed timid, almost servant like. He had seen her at church a couple of times and never thought about it much until now. But she was always making things better for other people. If someone needed a fresh drink or a paper towel for a spill, she would provide. She was there when he arrived at the service and there when he left. And she wanted him to marry her.
He shook his head at himself. He wasn’t getting married again. He had things completely under control. He didn’t need a woman complicating matters more than need be.
“Da-at.”
He turned at Henry’s summons.
“The big hand is on the four.”
Matthew glanced toward the clock. “So it is.” He pinned each boy with a separate, hard s
tare. “You can get up,” he started, then had to hold up a hand to keep them from sliding down and disappearing before he said his piece. “But no more jumping off the hayloft. That is dangerous and one of you could have been hurt very badly.” He shuddered at the thought of what could have happened, then said a quick silent prayer of thanks that no one had been injured.
“Jah, Dat,” Henry muttered.
“I’m sorry,” Stephen said, too grown-up for his seven years. He had taken on so much responsibility for his siblings in the last three months.
Thomas and Benjamin slid off the couch together and started toward the door behind Henry and Stephen. He was proud of his boys. They might be a lot to handle, but they were blessings through and through.
“Don’t slam the—”
Thwack!
“Sorry, Dat,” Henry called as Grace started crying once again.
Chapter Two
Gracie’s face flamed all the way back home. Except it wasn’t really her home. It belonged to her aunt and uncle. She had moved there when Mammi had settled into the dawdihaus. Mammi was Abner’s mother and Gracie’s grandmother. The poor woman had broken her hip and needed extra care, so she moved in with Eunice and Abner. Gracie had followed to assist as always. Her aunt did most of the chores for Mammi. And Tillie had helped, before she left home, that was. Gracie mostly did the cooking and the cleaning and whatever else was needed for the other mournful souls in the community. She cooked for Aaron Zook for a while, but then her cousin Hannah had come back to the Amish and decided to stay. Hannah and Aaron were to be married in the fall and she did his cooking these days. Gracie was glad for them. Their happy ending had been fifteen years in the making.
Gracie had also cooked for Jamie Stoltzfus when he and his nephew Peter had moved into their small community. Gracie had even courted Jamie for a while.
Well, that wasn’t exactly true. They had sort of talked about it, and Gracie had agreed that it would be a good idea. She supposed that deep down she knew it wasn’t, but she had put her dreams on hold to help out one family member or another until before she knew it, her rumspringa was over and she was the only one in their group not married. It had all happened so fast.
She was told that there was no shame in being “that girl,” the one who never got married and moved around from family member to family member, helping out whenever she was needed. There might not be any shame, but it sure felt that way. Now she was facing down her twenty-sixth birthday and she had never even been on a real date. How pathetic was that?
So what had she done? She had completely embarrassed herself by proposing to Matthew Byler.
Thank heavens next Sunday wasn’t a church day. She didn’t think she could handle seeing him there, both of them knowing what a fool she had made of herself.
She pulled the buggy down the packed-gravel drive, past the little cabin where Jamie and Peter had stayed when they first moved to Pontotoc. Now Leah, Hannah’s twin, and Jamie were married, providing a loving and stable home for young Peter. He had been traumatized by the fire that killed his entire family and needed the best care possible and lots of love. And that’s just what Jamie and Leah gave him. They had even adopted a dog from the local animal shelter.
The house came into sight and Gracie breathed a sigh of relief. Then she chuckled at herself. What had she expected? That Matthew Byler would follow her home, berating her stupid choices all the way?
His dark, brooding face popped into her thoughts. He might be dark and brooding but she didn’t think he was cruel. There was something in the softness of his mouth, or maybe it was the little flashes of compassion she had seen in his eyes as he had watched her holding his baby girl. Dark and brooding, yes. Even handsome. But cruel, no. Never.
She swung down from the buggy, then unhitched the horse and released her into the pasture. From the paddock gate she could hear the buzz of her uncle Abner’s tools as he cut wood and sanded corners and whatever else it was he had to do in order to make the sheds he and his sons sold to Amish and Englisch from all around their Northeast Mississippi area.
Jim and Dave Gingerich both had houses on the same property as their parents, just up from the main house. Dave wasn’t married and lived on his own, but Jim had plenty of family. He had a wife named Anna and five children: Libby, Joshua, and the twins Michael and Caleb, along with baby Samuel who wasn’t such a baby any more.
Now all Gracie had to do was make it into her room without anyone seeing her. Then she could wallow in the mess she had made of things.
Careful to avoid the squeaky step leading up to the porch, Gracie quietly made her way into the house. She kept the screen door from slamming behind her and tried to walk normally down the hall that led to her room. Just a few more steps and she’d be th—
“Gracie, is that you?” Her aunt’s voice drifted down the hallway after her.
She stopped mid-step. “Jah, Eunice. It’s me.” So much for wallowing.
“Good. Good. Leah’s on her way out with Peter and Jamie. They’ll be here any minute.”
She had forgotten. It was their usual Friday night supper. Which was basically a madhouse. Hannah would be here along with Aaron and his three children: Andy, Laura Kate, and Essie. Leah, Jamie, and Peter were on their way. Dave would come down from his house, and Jim and his brood would be right behind them. Gracie couldn’t say that it wasn’t a fun night, but right now she could use a little peace and quiet. Something she wouldn’t be able to get with that many people in the house.
“Can you help me with the table?” Eunice called.
“Of course.” Gracie forced false brightness into her tone, then made her way to the dining room. Wallowing would have to wait until later.
* * *
“You what?” Leah’s voice was nearly a screech.
“Shhh . . .” Hannah shushed.
Gracie felt the heat in her cheeks once again. Not quite as bad as it had been this afternoon, but close.
“I asked Matthew Byler to marry me.” Wow. She had said it twice and the world hadn’t come to a halt. She took a deep breath, thankful to have unburdened herself just a bit.
Dinner had been served, eaten, and everything cleaned up. As she had expected, it was a loud affair, noisy. Maybe even boisterous. But how else could it be with so many people in one place.
Now she, Leah, and Hannah were outside on the porch enjoying the early spring evening. The twins were sitting side by side on the porch swing, so different in so many ways. Leah had dark hair and green eyes, Hannah had chestnut-colored hair and hazel eyes. But their differences didn’t stop there. Both Leah and Hannah had left the Amish years ago and finally returned only recently. Leah had turned to the Mennonites during her years away, while Hannah had gone full-blown Englisch. But last year, upon their return, Hannah had asked forgiveness of the church and had taken back up with her roots, while Leah had remained Mennonite. It was strange seeing them sitting there side by side, the way they had done so many times while she was growing up, but now they were changed and she hoped for the better.
It was doubly strange not having Tillie around. Hannah and Leah’s younger sister was closer to Gracie’s age than her sisters’. But as Hannah and Leah had returned to Pontotoc, Tillie had headed out with her boyfriend, Melvin. He wanted to repair Englisch motors and had dragged Tillie along for the ride. Gracie just hoped that she came to her senses before too much had happened for her to return.
“Tell us everything,” Leah said.
“And he said yes, right? I mean, it’s you and . . .” Hannah broke off as Gracie shook her head.
“He didn’t say yes,” Gracie admitted.
“He said no?” Hannah screeched.
“Shhh . . .” This from Leah.
“Not exactly.”
Leah clasped Gracie’s hand and pulled her so she sat squeezed between them. “Tell us everything.”
Gracie shrugged, her shoulders bumping her cousins on both sides. “There’s not much to tell. I went over ther
e to talk to him and got up my courage to ask, then withdrew my proposal and hightailed it out of there.”
“You withdrew?” Hannah asked. “Why?”
“You didn’t see the look on his face.” Gracie grimaced. “He was not interested.” In fact he looked as if someone had hit him in the stomach, hard. Not that she had actually seen something like that happen. But if she had, she imagined his face would be what the person looked like: pain, betrayal, red-faced from lack of air, completely unable to breathe.
“Well, he’s a fool then,” Hannah said primly.
“Don’t let Mamm hear you say that.”
“Why?” Hannah asked.
“She sets great store by Matthew. I think she had a circle letter with his mother a while back.” Leah rolled her eyes, Gracie was sure over the thought of a circle letter. “Or maybe it was a dish towel exchange.”
Gracie let out a small chuckle.
“Well, a fool move is a fool move, no matter how much you like a person.”
But Gracie couldn’t say that she knew Matthew Byler at all. He and his family had moved to their community a couple of years back, but neither he nor his wife went to any of their group meetings. They had left their buddy bunches behind in their Ohio home and seemed to keep to themselves.
Come to think of it, Gracie wondered why they even moved to Mississippi; neither one seemed very happy here. Perhaps he would move the remainder of his family back to Ohio. Maybe that was why he had looked at her as if she had lost her mind.
She wished.
“It doesn’t matter now,” Gracie said.
“Can I ask you a question?” Leah asked.
“Of course.” She said the words, though she hardly meant them. She was ready to put all this behind her, to stop talking about it and try to forget that it ever happened.
