“Coming to Taco Bell, right?” I verified as I shut the door.
“Uh-huh.”
We stood in a strangely charged silence as Ben worried his bottom lip. He opened his mouth to speak then hesitated. My eyebrows rose in teasing question at his adorable timidity.
“By the way, I like your hat,” he blurted as he tugged on the long, dangling string again Then he turned abruptly and walked toward his silver Impala.
“Um, thanks,” I mumbled too quiet for him to hear.
I fingered the string of my rainbow winter hat as I watched Ben lower himself into his car. Chuckling to myself, I climbed into my truck and started the engine.
As the sun set completely, bathing the evening in darkness, we pigged out on cheap Taco Bell—a personal favorite.
Ben sat beside me, stealing nacho chips when he thought I wasn’t paying attention, and I pretended not to notice. His foot found mine beneath the table, our shoes pressed together. I failed at convincing myself it was accidental.
Sure, I flirted with him because I liked making him blush, but his obvious return of attention was rather new. Or maybe I’d been too stubborn to see it before? Either way, I liked his shy teases and lingering glances. Even his reserved, Ben-style boldness was adorable.
Too soon, we finished the food and conversation dwindled.
As we cleaned up our trash and tossed away empty cups, the distance between Ben and me was unconsciously reinstated.
“Anybody up for a nightcap?” Kim asked as we stood in a huddled group just outside the doors. The plea leaked through her voice as she rolled her eyes with feigned nonchalance. “Dad’s ‘working’ tonight, so the house is empty and the liquor cabinet is unlocked.”
She hated staying at her dad’s every other weekend and usually invited people over so she wouldn’t be alone. Her dad was a total ass, so I didn’t blame her.
Caroline and Harris agreed immediately as Jordan shook his head. “Mom works tonight, so I gotta get home.”
Being the oldest of three siblings, Jordan babysat a lot while his mom worked. He never talked about why his dad was never around, and we knew better than to ask.
“Okay, raincheck then.” Kim turned to me expectantly, and I hesitated.
I didn’t have any plans, but something held me back from agreeing too readily. Shooting Ben a questioning glance, I met his equally curious gaze. Somehow, I read his mind, and we both grinned as we shook our heads.
“Raincheck for us, too,” I said as Ben’s fingertips teased the back of my hand, and my stomach flip-flopped.
As Caroline and Kim exchanged suggestive smirks, I covertly flipped them off before hauling Ben away from their overly excited giggles. The last thing I needed was for them to open their big mouths and ruin this—whatever this was—before it began.
“Have fun!” they called after us.
I ignored them as I led Ben to our side-by-side vehicles. Stupid, nosy girls.
“Silas—”
“Do you want to come over?” I spouted at the same time, cutting him off as we stopped at the end of my truck bed. “We could, um, you know, hang out.”
Hiding my fidgeting hands in my pockets, I chewed my bottom lip as I awaited his answer. It was a simple question, yet we both understood the unspoken current of importance buzzing between us.
Ben nodded as the ocean in his eyes crashed and swirled like a maelstrom. “Yeah, okay.”
“Okay,” I squeaked, clearing my throat to muster a more manly, “Cool.”
“I’ll meet you at yours?” We walked around the nose of my truck as I agreed, and my breath hitched when his thumb grazed along my palm. “See you soon, Silas.”
A dark promise hid beneath the innocence of his words, and I shivered as his breath ghosted over my chilled cheek, his torso warming my shoulder.
As I climbed into my truck, I peered out of the corner of my eye as Ben lowered himself into his car, and nausea bubbled in my gut. Things were about to be decided. I feared there’d be no going back.
Our relationship was shifting. We balanced on a precipice, one nudge away from toppling over. Both directions were equally terrifying, but I knew things couldn’t remain the way they were now. One way or another, we had to fall this time.
Three
Headlights flooded my cab when Ben pulled his silver Impala into my driveway behind me. Parking to the side so my dad could get his SUV out of the garage, I shut down my engine as my stomach vibrated with nerves.
Stupid, really. We were just hanging out. No big deal.
I was a terrible liar.
As I stumbled out of my truck, I caught myself on the door so I wouldn’t faceplant and attempted to straighten my stance before Ben caught me. Of course, he always noticed my clumsiness. He didn’t make fun of me, hiding his laughter behind a fake cough.
“Oh, shut up, Adams.”
He raised his hands in surrender. “I didn’t say anything.”
Crossing my arms over my chest, I scoffed. “You didn’t have to. The judgment’s written all over your face.”
This time, he laughed openly, the air swirling around his face in white puffs. Thanks to my toasty warm truck, the cold was sharper than before. I rubbed at my arms, wishing my winter coat was not soaked and stuffed in my duffel bag.
I wore Ben’s hoodie again, the California logo splayed over my chest. Unfortunately, the fabric was quickly losing the characteristic spring scent of his body wash. I would have to sneak the sweatshirt into his room for a few days before stealing it back.
“You cold?” He reached for me, and I stuttered out a denial as he grabbed my arm and guided me closer. “I might have an extra coat in my trunk.”
Shocked at the unexpected lack of distance between us, I shrugged wordlessly with an embarrassing, noncommittal grunt. His eyes twinkled as he rubbed my arms to warm me. At some point, my hands found his shoulders, and his palms rested at my waist. If we started swaying, we would be slow dancing like nerds.
“You look good in my hoodie,” he said as the snow lazily drifted from the sky.
“Stop being so nice,” I said, my neck heating.
His brows furrowed, his fingers at my sides fidgeting with the excess material. “What do you mean?”
He cocked his head cutely to the side like a cocker spaniel, and I swallowed thickly and dropped my eyes from his intense stare. “You’re too nice to me. I’m an asshole half the time, and then you’re all… nice. You should be meaner.”
Chuckling awkwardly, he dipped his head to try and capture my wayward gaze. “You want me to be mean to you?”
“It would even us out.”
“Okay, seriously, what do you mean?”
To be honest, I wasn’t sure. All I knew was that I could live my whole life trying to be good enough for him, but I’d never accomplish it. We weren’t even dating, yet I still didn’t deserve him. Even as a friend, he was out of my league.
“You’re a good person.” I fiddled with the zipper of his coat to hide from my sudden sappiness. “You’re too good for me.”
“That might be the stupidest thing you’ve ever said, which is saying something.” My eyes widened at his candor, and he smirked. “I’m not good. No one ever is. We’re just us, just human. We are who we are, and we try to be better. And if we’re lucky, we find people who help us.” His hand moved from my waist to my jaw where his thumb grazed over the corner of my mouth. “You make me better, Silas.”
For a brief moment, his eyes dropped to my lips, and my stomach fluttered. Was he…? Did he mean…?
“I’m not a good person,” I blurted, unable to control my word vomit. “I break things, Ben.”
“I don’t believe that, and I think the only person who does is you.” His pitying smile soured my stomach, and I broke away from our oddly intimate embrace.
It was too much, whatever the fuck this was between us. The truth, the vulnerability, it was stifling. I was suffocating, drowning in a toxic sea of emotion I was in no way equipped to
deal with. He shattered me.
“Getting philosophical on me, Adams?” I quipped in hopes of dispelling the heaviness in the air.
Ben’s chuckle was quiet, but it eased the tension in my gut. “Well, not all of us are as eloquent in sass as you are, Brigs.”
“Ouch!” I feigned getting shot in the heart. “How you wound me.”
“So”—he nodded toward the front porch— “are you gonna invite me in or leave me to freeze my ass off?”
I chewed my lip, wary of bringing him inside my house. The strange current charging between us seemed even more dangerous in close quarters. If I invited him inside, I’d be liable to jump him. Not to mention, Dad was home.
Why had I invited him back to my house again?
“You wanna go somewhere?” I asked as my stomach churned with nerves.
“Now?”
“Yeah, now.”
I shoved my hands into my hoodie pocket and trudged down the driveway, not waiting for a response. Either he’d follow or he wouldn’t.
“Come on, Adams,” I challenged, “don’t be a pussy.”
He huffed but caught me quickly, his longer legs making up the distance.
As he fell into step beside me, his elbow brushed mine at even intervals. We walked in silence the whole way, but it was far from uncomfortable. A lot could be said with silence, and Ben spoke the most when he wasn’t saying anything at all. I liked hearing what he wanted to say when he had no words to say it.
We reached the park a few minutes later and, without slowing my stride, I loped across the wood chips. Expecting to hear the crunch of wood chips underfoot, I stopped and glanced behind me where Ben stood on the sidewalk.
He watched me curiously, picking up on the significance that this place held for me, but not understanding what it was.
“A park?” His tone lifted at the end, making it more of a question than a statement.
I shoved my hands into my pockets, shivering as the crisp breeze cut through my sweatshirt. “Uh, yeah, my mom used to bring us here when we were kids.” I stared at the large wooden castle that held numerous child-geared activities, including a rope bridge, several slides, and a large tower at one end. “Will and I played Cowboys and Indians and Knights in that castle.”
“Were you the damsel in distress?”
I threw my head back and laughed up into the dark sky, the mist from my breath swirling into the air. When I flipped him the bird, he laughed, his dimple making an appearance as he approached me.
I backed away with a naughty smirk and a breathless taunt, “Catch me if you can.”
Turning on my heels, I sprinted away with a cry of alarm as Ben gave chase, and I headed to the castle to take refuge under its roof. It was amusing how small it felt now that I wasn’t a kid. As we climbed through the castle laughing like children, I felt carefree like I was twelve-years-old again.
Ben was naturally faster than me, but he took his time. He purposefully toyed with me. I’d be lying if I said a part of me didn’t want him to catch me, but for now, it was fun to mess with him. Weaving and ducking through the castle, I heckled him.
Tiring of the cat-and-mouse, I took refuge in the tower. I was out of breath from our game, but I tried to look alluring as I leaned back on the windowsill and faced the doorway.
Ben stopped at the threshold, watching me with a dark heat in his eyes. There was only one entrance, and he currently blocked it; I was essentially trapped. That was okay. I didn’t want to run from him anymore.
“Now that I’ve caught you,” his voice deepened to a purr, “what’s my prize?”
His words sped my heart and heated my blood, and I licked my lips, gathering my courage. “What do you want?”
The question was breathy, practically a proposition, but he didn’t respond immediately. He scrutinized me as he sauntered to my side where he leaned against the windowsill and looked out over the park.
“I want a lot of things,” he whispered with an unfathomable expression. “But for now, I’ll take some honesty.”
“Honesty? I don’t lie to you. At least, not often.”
He gestured toward the park. “Why here? What’s so special about this place?”
Spinning around, I mirrored his position, my elbows on the sill. I studied my clasped hands, wondering how exactly to open up to him. I wasn’t good with words, with feelings, but I wanted to connect. More than anything, I wanted him to know me.
“I told my mom in this tower—that I didn’t think I liked girls, I mean,” I finally said, releasing a heavy breath. “It was before she left. I was probably too young to really understand, but I knew I didn’t look at girls the way the other boys did. She seemed okay with it, like it didn’t change anything, but then she picked up and left a couple weeks later.
“Her and Dad had issues. They fought a lot. My dad was distant, and my mom was selfish. It was her choice to go, but sometimes, I wonder if I’d been a better son, normal, then maybe she would’ve stayed, you know?
“I guess I come here to remember when we actually felt like a family.” I blinked away the emotion threatening to choke me, hating the weakness. “I can stand here and pretend for a while that things are less shitty.”
After a stretch of silence, Ben touched his shoulder to mine, sharing the warmth and strength of his body as I fought to keep control of mine. “Sometimes parents aren’t who they’re supposed to be.”
The pain in his voice was raw and jagged. I wanted to cringe away from it. Yet, I was curious. His mom was dead and his dad, from what little I’d gathered, hadn’t been top-notch. I wanted to know the full story, especially now that I felt so exposed, but I wasn’t sure if I could ask.
We currently stood on unstable ground, and if we pushed too hard, it might crack and crumble beneath us.
I took the chance anyway. “Were your parents who they were supposed to be?”
He didn’t respond at first. I waited. He’d tell me when he was ready. If tonight wasn’t the night, that was fine.
“No. No, they weren’t,” he said after a long, tense moment. “My father was mean, and my mother… I loved her more than anything, but she was weak. She didn’t protect us.”
My heart writhed at the agony etched on his face, and I slid my hand into his until we were palm to palm. I waited for him to jerk away or shake me off in disgust, but he didn’t.
“After she died, he got worse. She wasn’t there to stand in the way anymore, and I was too afraid to fight back.”
I wanted to say how sorry I was, but they were just empty words. So, I twined our fingers together until they fit snugly. He didn’t look at me, but his muscles loosened. Sometimes, words weren’t needed. Maybe Ben was rubbing off on me after all.
“Then, one night, everything just blew up.” His eyes glazed over with memories, and I squeezed his hand to keep him grounded to the present. “I snuck out sometimes, just to get away. I’d usually stay with my best friend, Jackson, who lived next door. But on the way back, Dad caught us. He saw us kissing at the fence, and he came after me with a liquor bottle. Said he didn’t want a cocksucker for a son. Jackson ran for it, but I…”
Ben released a shuddered breath, and I aligned my body with his until every inch of our sides touched. I forced myself not to overthink his revelation about kissing a boy. That wasn’t what this was about. Not right now.
My cheek met his shoulder, and he cleared his throat.
“Jackson’s parents called the cops, and they got there before he did too much damage. Cracked my jaw and busted two ribs, but, uh, I lived to tell the tale.
“It’s why I was in foster care for a couple years. Aunt June was battling cancer, so the state deemed it better to keep me in the system. The moment I aged out, I came here.”
“Your dad?” I asked timidly, not wanting to make it worse but hoping the bastard got what he deserved.
“Jail. Still there as far as I know.” His tone hardened, and I squeezed his hand again.
“Well, the
fucker can rot there, for all I care.” I tried to communicate my feelings through the touch of our bodies. I hoped he understood. I sucked at the whole comforting thing, but maybe this was enough.
For the first time since he started his story, he looked at me, his glassy blue eyes filled with ghosts. I leaned in until my forehead touched his jaw. His hand in mine tightened as the other circled the back of my neck. Why he was comforting me, I’d never know. I was trying to make him feel better.
“I want to say sorry, but I know it’s bullshit,” I said.
He angled my head so he could look down at me, and I inhaled sharply at his nearness. His thumb rubbed my cheek as he arrested my gaze. I was at his mercy. He refused to set me free.
Did he feel this? Did he feel what I felt when he touched me? After sharing this, I hoped he did.
He admitted to kissing a guy, but that had been several years ago. Maybe it was just a phase or pure curiosity. Was I reading this all wrong? Was that real desire I saw splashing in the turbulent waves of his eyes?
“We’re both pretty fucked up, you know that, right?” I spouted to fill the expectant stillness between us.
“Yeah, I guess we are,” he said as I leaned into him, bringing our heads closer. He mimicked me, inching us nearer until his lips hovered a hair’s breadth from mine. “But there’s a certain beauty to brokenness, don’t you think?”
His words washed over me like fresh rain, and my brain shut down. All thought processes ceased as we shared one suspended moment.
Then it broke, and I moved.
I didn’t think. I didn’t question. I acted, unable to stop myself from closing the small distance between us. I pressed my lips against his.
They were soft and dry, and I barely stopped the groan of satisfaction from escaping my throat at the contact. I’d waited so long for this. I would’ve waited an eternity for him, but now that we were here, I was impatient.
Unfortunately, Ben didn’t seem to share my feelings as he stiffened the moment our mouths met. I froze in horror.
Reality crashed over me, and I jerked away from him with wide eyes. “Oh, fuck, Ben. I’m so sorry.”
Every Hidden Truth (Far From Ruined Book 2) Page 3
