by Ann, Bry
Drugs. Z.
I force my feet to move and drag myself to the powder. The woman I now know is Pamela follows me.
“Tammy…” she whispers.
She will not fucking stop me!
I breathe in the now-familiar dust. Ahhh. It’s only when I glance back at Pamela in time to see her wince that I remember what she just endured. Why is she here supporting me?
“You okay?” I grunt, remember Z’s message and terrified to disobey.
Pamela takes my hand in hers and holds on as tight as she seems to be able to.
“I won’t let these fuckers win, Tammy. Don’t worry.”
I’d warn her not to fight, but right now, I kind of need her to fight so I don’t fall apart.
Chapter Six
Tammy
Six Months Later
“It’s okay. Come here.”
Pamela takes the young, drugged-out woman I'm supposed to be training to her bunk and wraps an arm around her, stroking her back as she whispers in her ear.
“Keep fighting, sweet girl. Don’t give up. You can make it through this. One day, you’ll be free.”
It’s too late for Haley. She’s broken. Gone. And tomorrow, Z, Marcus, or Sty will come to take her to the place they all go with abundant drugs and endless men. Haley is—was—my newest trainee. The tenth since Pamela. Why is Pamela still here, you ask?
She hasn’t broken.
Not this entire year. Not even when they beat her, hurt her, shamed her, abused her. She still has not broken. She still has this stupid, naive hope she’ll get free. I mean, Goddamn, Pamela doesn’t even take the drugs unless she has to. She’s an idiot, but secretly, so secretly, in a locked box deep inside me, I thank whoever’s up there, watching us in this hell, for sending her to me. It’s wrong and I'm going to hell for it, but my gratitude for her can go on my list of other unforgivable sins.
“She’s asleep,” I hear Pamela whisper.
“I don’t know why you’re still trying with her,” I mutter. “She’s gone, Pam.”
The room goes quiet. It’s not until I hear Pamela sniffle that I realize I'm a total bitch. I know Pamela’s down in her bunk, wrapped around a drugged out Haley, cuddling her old, stuffed hippo between them. So she has hope when I'm a hopeless monster. Why do I keep having to bring her down to my level?
Pamela’s not like the others. They won’t kill her unless they have to. She’s too beautiful and, this is sick, but she fights back, and not in a whiny, desperate kind of way. She tries to literally claw the men’s eyes out with her broken nails. There’s a special kind of clientele for that.
“Tammy,” Marcus barks from the doorway, making both Haley and Pamela jump beneath me. “Get the fuck over here.”
I feel eighty years old as my bones crack and pop on my way over to Marcus. He wraps his fingers around my lanky bicep and starts to drag me away. As is habit by now, I make eye contact with Pamela.
She makes a heart with her hands. I hold that image in my head for whatever is to come.
* * *
Two Months Later
I was warned I'm getting a new trainee today. Whatever. I'm flying high as a kite right now. Nothing and no one can bring me down. Not even Pamela and all her pity stares. She hates how many drugs I take. She can shove it. I'm taking them.
I pad down the hallway when I hear footsteps. I recognize Z’s voice and I'm assuming the voice of the girl with him. I pop up in front of the two of them. The girl startles a minute before her mouth slips open the tiniest bit as she assesses me.
I instantly know I'm not high enough for this.
This isn’t a woman standing in front of me. It’s a fucking kid, sixteen, seventeen max. My heart heats, a feeling I haven't felt in a very long time. I’m angry?
Not at myself or Pamela or the other women to come through here.No, I'm mad at Sty. I'm mad at Marcus. I'm even mad at Z and all the other assholes who bring innocent women here. It doesn’t take a washed up genius to know this little girl in front of me with big green doe eyes, odd black and green tinted hair, and an excessively pale frame, is innocent as can be.
“I'm Tammy. I'm gonna get you ready,” I snap, but without any fire.
When all I get are terrified green doe eyes, I wave my hand and mutter, “Come.”
Z throws the girl into my arms, forcing her to collide with my already-bruised side.
“Watch it!” I snap without thinking.
“You have an hour,” Z growls before storming back down the hall.
The girl just stands there quivering, even when Z’s fully out of sight.
“Well, come on. Trust me, you don’t want to find out what happens if you aren’t ready.”
I take her hand and start dragging her down the hall to get clean and ready. She’s a little banged up, definitely frazzled looking, but she’s beautiful and it’s clear before she came here she was physically well taken care of, if not a bit too much of a chronic teenage dieter.
We pass Sty, who has Pamela thrust up against a wall, groping her, kissing her. Pamela’s seething, but she’s being unusually calm for her. I turn my head away. That’s when I notice that the little girl next to me has stopped and is completely frozen. Every single muscle in her body is locked up and wound tight. I stop with her.
As if sensing the girl’s presence, Sty turns and smirks.
“Hey, 262.”
It’s my turn to lock up. My brain does that chirping thing again. I can’t tell if it’s the drugs or my horror. She knows him. She knows him. Oh God, what if she wasn’t kidnapped? What if Sty is her Z?
I wanna vomit.
A whimper escapes the girls mouth but she doesn’t respond. I can sense Sty getting pissed. He has the shortest fuse of the three men. I place a hand on the girl’s back to hopefully ground her and get her to open her mouth. It doesn’t work.
“I was talking to you!” Sty roars. “Well…?” he growls.
Pamela is looking at the little girl, horrified, begging with her eyes for her to say something. She won’t. The girl shuts her eyes and starts to shake, trying desperately to keep it together. Usually, I’d deem this stupid, save yourself a beating, but in this moment, I understand how she’s feeling. So much so that I can’t find it in my heart to be irritated with her. It’s right then my body decides to waver, too many drugs, too little food.
I reach my arm out to steady myself when… thwack!
My head flies up in time to see Sty’s fist pull away from the girl’s face. Pamela yelps and goes to help the little thing, but I hold up a hand. Right as I do, Sty tackles the teen and starts to beat the shit out of her. Pamela vibrates, two seconds from doing something incredibly stupid.
“Sty! Z wants her ready in an hour. Can’t have that done if she’s bleeding.” I force my tone to be one of boredom or he won’t listen.
Business, business, business…
Sty throws one final punch and shoves to his feet, getting right in my face. I hold strong on this.
“Don’t fucking interfere, you slut! If I want her bleeding, she’ll bleed.”
I don’t say anything. He stomps his foot like a teenage boy and storms off. When I glance down, Pamela is already on the floor next to the girl.
“Hey, angel, my name is Pamela. Tammy!” she yells, calling for me. “Grab her something from the stash.”
A groan rips from my chest. That is for emergencies.
“This isn’t that bad. She’ll be fine. I'm not wasting our stash on—”
“It’s her first time with this! Get her some damn drugs, Tammy!” Pamela hisses.
With an exaggerated groan, I storm off. It’s only when they’re out of sight that two tears fall, but that’s all. I channel my high to push them down.
This is the beginning of the end. This is the day that Sage Briar-Rose was brought into our lives and shook up everything.
Chapter Seven
Tammy
Four Months Later
I'm failing.
Sag
e is gone. Here in body, gone in spirit. Pamela’s sick. Sage doesn’t realize the severity as much, but I’ve known for a while. I’ve known in my brain, and I wish my heart would get the memo that Pamela’s gonna die. She’s not gonna make it out of here like she always hoped. Never once, not one damn day, has she stopped fighting for the three of us. Where it used to be mainly for herself, lately it’s been mostly for me and Sage. Especially Sage. I may be mean to her, but that’s only because the little shit has finagled her way into my heart too, like a leech. Me and my two leeches.
Sisters, Pamela calls us.
I call them leeches.
Cough! Cough! Cough!
“Nix asked about you,” Pamela whispers, trying desperately to stop Sage from breaking and being taken away from us. Pamela’s nightmare is being taken to the place where the broken people go. She thinks that’s where hope dies. I say it dies here, in this room, but she’s always been more optimistic than me.
Oh, by the way, Nix is this man who buys us for the night to feed us and let us sleep. He did it for Sage first, but Sage asked that he rotate between the three of us. He agreed, because I think he likes Sage. Load of good that’s doing her, but I’ll never, ever, forget the sacrifice she made for me and Pam. She gave up sleep, food, and warmth so we could have some. That love is why my heart can’t deny her.
“Yeah,” Sage breathes with no emotion.
Cough! Cough!
“A lot, Sage. Can you come back enough to…”
Cough! Cough!
“Be yourself for even just a…”
Cough! Cough!
I frown and listen to the way Pamela’s chest wheezes, worry filling my heart. Even Sage breaks out of her trauma and drug-induced fog.
“You okay, Pam?” I hear her ask.
Cough! Cough! Cough! Pamela nods and runs to the other side of the room to hide her sickness from us as much as possible. That’s Pamela. Sage, being the stubborn little fireball she is, follows. She starts to rub Pamela’s back, but lets her know she’s doing it first. Even to provide comfort these days, we have to give a warning. We’re all so fucked up.
“Pam! Hey…” Sage soothes.
Cough! Cough!
“Can I… lie down?” Pamela croaks.
My heart lurches. It’s bad. Pamela wouldn’t ask something like that unless it was to snuggle Sage or the hippo.
“Yes! Yes!” Sage gasps, not knowing what else to do.
From my top bunk, staring at the ceiling, I don’t know what happens next. I just hear more coughing, then, “Oh my God, Pam.”
I hear Pamela pat the bed next to her. Always the snuggler…
I wish I was. I rarely, if ever, gave her that.
“Glad to have you back,” Pamela croaks to Sage. I can imagine her offering Sage one of her signature warm smiles, even while sick.
“I'm here, Pam. I'm here,” Sage murmurs. Her voice is wobbly. She knows, too…
“Listen to me,” Pamela coughs, and I know she means me, too. “Don’t give up. Never let your mind get to an unreachable place.”
My eyes water and tears spill over. Pamela, no.
“Keep Sage safe, but not locked away forever.”
Cough. Cough. Cough-cough-cough.
“If something happens to me before I get out—” Pamela says softly.
Oh God. My heart recoils. It’s Jenny all over, but worse. Pamela carries a piece of my heart now. She’ll rip me apart if she dies. She has to keep fighting! She’s lasted longer than anyone. She’s the strongest person I know.
“Nothing will!” Sage cries.
Sage is too fucking young for this nightmare.
“Let’s pretend,” Pamela murmurs lightly in a tired voice, “if something does, I want you to take our hippo buddy.”
“He’s not ours, he yours.”
Sage is crying and so am I, but silently. Tears are rolling down my cheeks where no one can see them.
“He’s ours, little sis. Take him and remember to always hold on, no matter what. Don’t ever give up the fight. You’re gonna be the one to get out of here. I know it. Just make sure when you do…”
Cough.
“Sage leaves with you.”
“Pamela,” Sage whispers brokenly. “Can I hug you?”
The tiniest of smiles graces my face, despite everything. Hug Pam, ha! That woman lives for hugs.
“Of course,” I hear Pamela murmur.
Both girls cry and tell stories of all they lost, all they had to live for before they came here. That’s my breaking point. Maybe I'm weak, maybe it’s the drugs shredding me apart inside, but for once, I want to be held, too. Even though I don’t deserve it.
Quietly, I crawl into bed with them. Pamela smiles warmly and knowingly when she sees me and holds her arm out for me. I dive in. Sage sobs and holds Pamela for dear life. I hold Sage and Pamela, numb. I don’t say a word even though my heart is with these two women. Once Sage is sound asleep, Pamela looks up at me, eyes a little harder than I’ve seen them.
“I love you, Tams. You’re my family.”
Pamela sucks in a rattly, deep breath. I can’t fight it this time. The tears spill over for her to see. Pamela reaches over and takes my hand, but not before smiling softly at Sage.
I lace my fingers through hers and take a deep breath.
“Pamela, my real name isn’t Tammy.”
Pamela’s eyebrows shoot up. I check to make sure Sage is asleep. It’s not that I don’t trust Sage. I trust her with my life. It’s just the less people that know, the better, and Pamela deserves to know.
“What’s your name?” she whispers, a tinge of hurt lacing her voice, but also a level of understanding I don’t expect.
“Essie Taylor.”
“Essie.” She tests it out on her tongue. “Thank you for telling me.”
Her eyes water.
“I love you so much.”
The walls around my heart crumble when she starts to cry. She’s always been so strong.
“I love you, too, Pamela. You’re my light.”
Pamela squeezes so tightly that my fingers turn red, but I don’t care. Her consistent coughing makes very little matter.
“Thank you,” she breathes, eyes fluttering closed.
“Go to sleep, Pamela. I’ll see you in hell again tomorrow.”
Her icy blue eyes bore into me, wearing an expression I can’t describe.
“You can always find heaven in your mind, Essie. Remember…”
She’s out. Pamela’s eyes shut and her breathing evens out. I rub her hair back once. I'm glad she’s finally asleep. Slowly, carefully, I crawl away from the girls. I drag my blanket from the top bunk and cover them with it so Pamela has that extra warmth, and maybe it helps Sage sleep a little more peacefully.
I crawl to my bunk and instantly fall asleep.
“Essie Taylor, come here right now!”
Hiding my makeup palette behind my back, I trudge down the stairs.
Mom and Dad’s eyes bore into me.
“Did you study today?” Mom asks.
“Mmm-hmm.”
Dad smirks. “What are you hiding behind your back, Essie?”
“Um…”
“Essie.” Mom places a hand on each of her hips.
Slowly, I peel the makeup palette from behind my back.
“Essie Taylor, when did I say you could have that?”
“I know you said I could have it after I got an A on this test, but I—”
“No buts. Give it to me.”
Hanging my head, I hand over the palette and watch as my mom breaks the colors before dumping it in the trash.
Mid-dream, I shoot to seated. My belly flip-flops, my heart thunders, and my mind's racing.
Something’s wrong. Something is not right.
Ignoring my aching joints and low blood sugar shakes, I practically jump from the top bunk. I check Sage first out of habit. She’s the kid here. She’s still sleeping. With that realization, chills run down my spine.
Pamela.
Slowly, so, so slowly, I turn.
“PAMELA!”
The scream that rips from my chest doesn’t sound human. My knees crash to the floor and I scramble forward to Pamela’s body lying lifeless on the floor in the corner.
No, no, no. She’s not dead yet. She can’t be dead.
“PAMELA! No! You fight! Oh God, no! Ahhh!” I scream, running my hands up and down her body. It’s cold. It’s too cold.
When I finally stop screaming, I look into her eyes. God, she was so fuckin’ beautiful. In another life, she could have had such a wonderful one. The lord knows she deserves it. I stroke her white-blonde hair, feeling something inside me break off and die.
I can’t remember what happens after that. I think Z comes in. He forces me off Pamela’s body. I didn’t want him to take her. I didn’t want any of these men to fucking touch her! She deserves to rest in peace, but I'm too weak to grant her that.
So Z takes her from me. From us.
But not before telling me he’ll be back for me. I almost threw up. I almost rebelled. I can’t handle that right now. I can’t.
But why bother fighting?
Sage lies down on the floor next to me, still crying, but quieter.
“He’s coming back for me,” I whisper.
“We have a minute,” she whispers back, squeezing me tightly.
“We’re not gonna be okay. Are we, kid?”
Sage’s tears fall onto my shoulder. “Never without Pam, but we have to keep ourselves inside somewhere.” Sage pulls Pamela’s hippo close. “For her.”
“I don’t want to.”
“You can always find heaven in your mind, Essie.”
I hear Z’s footsteps coming back from a distance. I don’t think Sage does. Z probably dumped Pamela with Marcus or some low-level worker where they’ll dispose of her like garbage.
While they do that, Z’s gonna fuck me. That sends my entire body into such a panic that my mind fires in twenty different directions before my body collapses into the stone beneath me.
