by Ann, Bry
“Everyone else calls me Tammy. Only use Essie in private,” I mumble.
“Fine,” he clips. “You’ll have to tell them yourself. I won’t.”
He turns on his heel to leave, pissed.
“Wait!”
He sighs heavily and turns back. For the first time since he started camping out in my various hospital rooms, he looks done. He looks done with me.
“What, Essie?”
“Don’t leave me.”
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Landon
“Don’t leave me.”
Just like our days under the tree, her green eyes are big and vulnerable and it definitely hasn’t slipped my mind that she hasn’t been having episodes as often.
“Why?”
I'm pushing. I know I'm pushing, but to hear her want to be called Tammy just… shit. It hurts. I know all about trauma, but this feels more personal.
“I-I want you to…” Her fists clench, her eyes dart around the room… I'm ready to lose her.
“Essie! Why do you want me to stay, babe?”
She shrugs. “You can go. Never mind.”
With a small smile, I shut the door again and stride across the room to her, plopping down in the chair once more.
“I shouldn’t have questioned you like that. I'm sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry,” she mutters, picking at the sheets with her fingers, not looking at me.
“Essie, look at me.”
Her head shakes back and forth.
“Essie,” I murmur.
“Shut up! What are you doing to me? What do you want?!”
“You know what I want,” I say softly.
“Yeah, yeah, to see me smile,” she scoffs, but her voice is wobbly and she chokes a bit.
“Essie, look at me.”
Her head snaps up. “Is this what you want?!” she screams. “You want to see me upset? You want to see me cry?”
I close the gap between us in a flash, so I'm by her side, sitting on the bed, staring into her watery green eyes.
“I never want to see you cry, but I think it’s the healthiest possible thing you could do. If anyone deserves a good cry, it’s you, Essie Taylor.”
Her lip shakes harder. “There’s no point. I taught girls that. There’s no point. It’s dumb and it doesn’t change anything.”
“It’s a release, Essie. It stops the darkness from consuming you, angel.”
“I-I…”
“Come here.”
She hesitates, but eventually slides over. Slowly, and extra carefully, I wrap my arms back around her and pull her back into my chest.
“Let go, Essie. It doesn’t make you weak. It doesn’t make you a failure. You deserve it.”
“I don’t! I don’t deserve it!” Her fists bang against my chest over and over again, and I let her. “You don’t understand.”
Squeezing her tighter, I whisper, “Help me understand. Help me understand, sweetheart.”
“I chose him! I-I chose him.” She cries against my chest, body going limp. “I chose Zaid. I let him kiss me. I said yes to moving in with him. Oh God…”
Essie curls over in my lap, wrapping her hands around her waist.
“I'm the one who trained them! I'm the one who—”
“Essie, Essie, listen to me. Listen to me, hun.” I stroke up and down her back. “You’re never to blame for this. How were you to know this man was a monster?”
“Jenny warned me!” she cuts me off on a sob, letting her head fall fully onto my lap as she tucks her legs into her. “Jenny tried to warn me he was a monster.”
Shit. “Should I not ask?” I mumble in an even quieter voice.
“He killed her. Shot her dead in front of me.” Essie’s voice is cold and… dead.
“His own sister?!” The words spill out before I can stop them.
Essie turns in my lap to look at me, a sad little smile on her face. There are dark circles under her eyes and tears stained on her almost excessively pale cheeks.
“Not every man is like you. You’re the only one. That I know of at least.”
“So smart, yet so blind, Ms. Taylor.”
“I don’t want you to go. What if they take me away? I can’t be locked up again, Landon. I can’t!”
She starts to hyperventilate.
“Essie, breathe!”
“You can’t let them take me!”
Her fingers claw at my thigh.
“Essie, you’re not going anywhere. Essie, look at me.”
“I can’t! I…” I see the exact moment she leaves me. Her eyes haze over. She starts mumbling something about math or quadratics. I don’t know. It’s too smart for me.
But I do know this. This woman isn’t going anywhere. She’s going to a nice facility to get therapy, not some drug ‘em and trap ‘em place, then she’s going home with as much care as the bureau (and I) can afford to get her.
Bottom line.
Taking her chin in my hands once more, I lean in close while she scowls and mutters with a faraway look in her eye.
“I keep my promises, Essie Tammy Taylor. You won’t ever be held against your will again. Oh, and when you come back to me, I think I thought of a good compromise for the name thing. I think you’ll like your new name, baby doll.”
* * *
Carson sits across from me, tapping his fingers on the wood.
“How’s Evie?” I mumble. More weeks have passed. Still suck at visiting my sister. I visit. I call. But not enough. Not nearly enough.
“She’s good.” Carson’s voice is short.
“Look, man, I'm doing my fucking best here! Okay? This isn’t my first rodeo with Evie. I—”
I'm cut off when Carson throws me an incredulous look.
“You haven’t heard the news, then?”
My blood runs cold. “What news?”
“Okay, we’re gonna run through this one more time,” a female voice cuts into our conversation. I see Shiloh and Dean walk in with an older lady and a shaking Ellie by their side.
“You don’t have to answer anything you don’t want to. Say just the facts. Don’t let them scare you. It will be—”
“I just want to talk about my mama’s funeral,” Ellie cuts in firmly, but with a wobbly lower lip. “You told me we would!”
“Of course,” the older lady, who I assume is her lawyer, murmurs. “I’ll leave you guys to it and come back later.”
Ellie nods stiffly. Shiloh lets her have her space as she looks around the room, seemingly lost, until her eyes land on me. She charges over with her little legs, making pounding noises with her feet as she moves.
“I need Miss Essie’s help. Where is she?” she demands, on the verge of crying or throwing a fit. I'm not really sure which.
“Miss Essie is still healing up, kiddo. What do you need?”
“I'm not a kid!” I glance at Shiloh, whose exterior is hard, but she’s scared as hell this child is beyond her help. “I'm my mama’s soldier since she’s gone and she’s got no soldiers. I think Essie knew my mama. I need her help picking out the flowers and…”
Ellie gets choked up and stops, looking around the room, as if wishing her mom will appear and this will all be a nightmare.
“I’ll ask her,” I whisper, ducking down to her level.
“What was your mom’s favorite flower?” Ram asks as he approaches from the other corner of the room.
“Lilies. She loved lilies. She said she’d buy me a lily when I made it all the way to high school! I guess… not now, but that’s both of our favorites. Big ones, too. Big lilies.”
“I bet she’d like that at the celebration of her life.”
I glance at Ram, immediately liking him just for that phrasing with Ellie alone.
“Celebration of her life?” Ellie whispers, eyes shimmering with tears again.
“Yes, of course. That’s what we’re planning, right? A party to show everyone how great your mom was and will always be.”
“Yes!” Elli
e cries, running into Ram and throwing her arms around him while she sobs.
Ram seems a little taken aback. He’s clearly not experienced around kids. Awkwardly, he throws an arm around Ellie and rubs her back. He looks to me with confusion written all over his face.
Shiloh shifts, as uncomfortable as Ram with the whole thing, so I look to Cooper. We immediately decide to help these two out.
“Ellie, let’s go on my phone and see if we can find the biggest lilies on the whole computer!” Cooper says excitedly, for Ellie’s sake.
Ellie sniffles loudly, wiping snot all over Ram’s black button up. I laugh a little at his face. Yep, definitely not used to kids. They don’t give a fuck.
“We can?” Ellie whimpers.
“Yep.” Cooper draws out the p in the word.
With a nod Ellie, pushes off Ram’s chest.
“Sorry about your shirt. Are you mad?”
He looks at her, swallows and shakes his head.
“No, no, it’s fine.”
“You all are very nice.”
She runs over to Cooper. Even takes his hand when he offers it. Shiloh lets out a deep breath.
“Shit. I'm screwed.”
“She’s a cute kid,” Ram says in a deep, confused voice.
“Thanks,” Shiloh mutters.
I laugh a little. “You’ll be fine.”
“Yeah, and how would you know?” Shiloh crosses her arms over her chest. I'm not gonna lie, I'm a pretty decent guy, but it’s hard not to notice her chest. The woman has a great rack.
“You’re single and childless.”
“Yeah, but I raised my little sis for five years or so.” I shrug. “She was a teen. I figure if I can raise a teenage girl straight out of puberty, you can handle Ellie.”
“Oh, I didn’t know that. Sorry to hear.”
I just shrug. It is what it is now. It’s the past.
I glance back over at Ram. “Kyle and I are meeting Cooper and Brad for some notes on Simon Rogers’ upcoming case. Wanna tag along?”
“Yes, definitely.”
“Good.”
With a nod, we head to Kyle’s car. I can’t wait to get this motherfucking bastard behind bars.
* * *
“I come bearing gifts!”
I lift the Starbucks cup up in the air along with the donut. Essie was moved back to Dogwood two days ago. Psych ward, psh. She gets to come here where it’s nice and they treat you, don’t just drug you.
Essie gives me a flat look.
“Just come out and say it.”
“Say what?”
She rolls her eyes and sits up, swinging her legs over the side of the bed. She won’t say it, but she’s excited I'm here. Her eyes are already drifting to the window where her tree is.
“You never bring me food because you know the greatest gift is time and you give me so much of yours. Yet here you are with Starbucks, a stereotypically well-loved place. You have bad news. You’re scared to tell me. So you brought food.”
Damn it. “Screw you and your brilliant mind.”
Her lip quirks up a bit. “Go on.”
With a sigh, I plop down next to her.
“There are a few things we have to discuss.”
She nods. “Let’s go outside.”
I set the food I brought on the table and push to my feet.
“Oh hell no! I may have known what you were up to. Doesn’t mean I don’t want the Starbucks.”
I laugh when her hand reaches out and her fingers open and close over and over again. I slide the cup in her hand, leaving the donut for now, and slip one arm around her waist to steady her.
“I-I think I got it.” She glances over at me. I already know the unspoken question.
“I won’t let you fall, Essie.”
She nods, and while my heart pounds, she takes one step forward. And nails it. Her brows furrow as one step after another, she walks with the cup in her hand. It’s not until she gets to the door that she starts to wobble a bit. Immediately, my hand snaps out to wrap around her bicep.
“Let go. If I fall, I fall. I have to get this. I walked around the fucking room I was stuck in, I can walk here.”
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you.”
She nods. “It’s fine.”
I hold the door for her. She does get herself all the way to the tree. She’s gained a little much-needed weight and that’s helped her energy and strength levels a ton.
She plops down by the tree and slides her mouth over the straw. I see her eyes her widen with pleasure. I smirk. She likes Starbucks like every other female I’ve personally met. Except Evie. Evie hates Starbucks and rants endlessly about how overrated it is.
“You look tired,” Essie says, not taking her lips off the straw.
“I’m fine.”
“You tell me what’s wrong. Then I’ll listen to what you have to say.”
I throw her an unimpressed look. She doesn’t care.
“Evie’s struggling,” I mumble.
“It’s more than that,” she says automatically.
“Damn it, Essie. Evie tried to sign out AMA. Against medical advice. Happy?!”
“Shit, sorry.” Essie shuffles. “Really, I am. I know you love her.”
She glances up at me.
“It’s fine. I’ll reach her.” I will reach her. I won’t lose her. I won’t lose her. I can say that seven hundred times, but the reality is that that’s my biggest fear. That I'm gonna lose her.
I'm ripped from my thoughts when cold hands, shaking, thread through mine. My head snaps up. Essie’s not looking at me. Her cheeks are red, her face confused.
“Simon Rogers’ case is coming up, Essie.”
She stiffens. “Good.”
“Essie,” I sigh. “I was wondering if you wanted to give a statement.”
“They don’t give a shit what I have to say. I'm insane. My words will be ruled out so fast, the jury won’t even know they were there. Besides, everything that happened to me I chose. I went of my own free will both times. So fuck off.”
“Chose,” I growl. “Chose. Tell me, Essie Taylor—”
“My name is Tammy!” she shrieks. “Tammy! Essie died with Jenny and Pamela. Essie died when she chose to love a rapist and murderer! Essie died when she trained woman after woman to be used and discarded. I trained them, Landon! I did! You’re giving all your time to a monster! I'm fucking Tammy! I was Tammy when a Goddamn sixteen year old…”
Her voice chokes and her entire body shudders. Without a second thought, I grab her and pull her into me so we’re face to face.
“Stay with me,” I murmur against her lips.
She shakes her head. “I don’t want to.”
Her voice is barely a whisper.
“Stay.” My lips brush against hers. Slowly and gently. She sobs against me as she kisses me back. Her hands wrap around my neck before her lips slide from mine so her head is on my shoulder. The kiss unlocks something deep inside of her and she cries. She finally sobs for all that she lost to those monsters. I cry too as I rub her back.
“You’re not a monster. It’s not your fault, angel. It’s not your fault.”
I repeat that over and over again until her sobs dissolve into whimpers.
“I'm not Essie,” she whimpers against my shoulder.
“You are, but maybe a hybrid now. You’re not the same as before, and that’s okay. I thought of a compromise the other day. I think you’ll like it.”
“Oh?” Essie pulls away and cocks an eyebrow. Even tear-stained and red-eyed, she still manages to look pissy and offended. I chuckle.
“Yes.”
I graze her cheek with my thumb, reveling in the way she closes her eyes and leans into my touch.
“Essie Tammy Taylor,” I murmur. “Middle name.”
Her eyes snap open. “Hmm. Never thought of that.”
“A piece of you, sweetheart. Not all of you.”
“Mmm.”
She doesn’t respond further a
nd I don’t push. I know she’s teetering and I don’t want to lose her.
“Are we gonna talk about the kiss?” I murmur.
“Nope.” She blushes and it’s so unlike her, I smile.
“We’re not?”
I scoot closer, teasing. She knows she can push me away at any time.
“Nope.”
I chuckle again, pulling her into my side.
“Go away,” she mutters.
“Do you mean that or are you playing with me?” I whisper in a quieter voice, just checking.
“Playing,” she mutters, pissed she has to say it.
“Just checking.”
She tries to crawl off, giggling. Before she can get to the tree, I snatch her waist and tug. She goes falling into the grass on her back. I lean over her, smiling over her reddened face.
“I win.”
She smirks, then the next thing I know, she literally spits in my face. Spits. When I jolt back, she’s already up and shoving me onto my back.
“Cheater!” I laugh as the sun blinds me.
Weight presses down on my hips, and green eyes and black hair are all up in my face. Essie kisses the side of my face, but it’s almost rough. Like a cross between a kiss and a bite.
“I win, actually.”
“You’re competitive, eh?” I smile at her, squinting my eyes from the sun.
Essie notices and leans up further to block the sun from me. Unfortunately, the movement makes her shift over the cock I’ve been trying so hard to ignore. I cannot get hard right now. I'm really freaking the fuck out. The spark that jolts through me at that little motion, she must feel, because her eyes go wide and snap to mine. I try to keep my face cool, but I am having a panic attack inside.
Essie surprises me by lying down all the way on my chest, shifting so she’s curling into me. I wrap my arm around her, keeping her safe.
“I don’t have room in my heart to care about anyone else, Landon.”
She’s crying. I smile softly and take her face in my hands.
“I don’t need you to care, Essie Tammy Taylor. I just want you to smile.”
Chapter Thirty
Landon
