by C. A. Gray
“I never said it had to be me—!”
“There is an alternative,” Will interjected. “There will be chaos. We’ll need to have someone standing by to step in and create order in that vacuum. We need New Estonia.”
“Fine, then go!” shouted Alec, “who’s stopping you?”
“Another problem,” Nick cut in. “How do we get Joe in?”
After a long pause, Jackson turned to look at me. “The secret passage,” he said in a low tone, as if he were speaking to me alone.
Will blinked, looking from Jackson to me. “The what?”
“It’s how she came to visit me in the dungeon,” Jackson explained, and turned to me again. “If there was a door in the passage to the dungeon, surely there’s one to the IT wing?”
“Probably,” I nodded, dropping my gaze. “But we’d still have to get Joe on the grounds—”
“I think we can pull that off,” Charlie interjected. “We’d just need some decoys and some guards.”
“Yeah? And what if he’s caught again?” Alec snapped. “How can we even trust him? What if we risk our lives to get him in there, and he turns against us?”
Joe leveled his gaze at Alec. “I might be a coward. But I’m not a traitor.”
Nick held up two hands, as if calling the meeting to order. “I think we have a lot of details to flesh out, but it’s certainly worth considering.” Then he turned to the rest of the group. “It’s getting late, and emotions are running high. We’ve got some ideas to sleep on. We’ll take a vote in the morning and make our final plans.”
“I’ve laid out bedding on the floor in the bedrooms and the den,” said Molly to everyone. “Three or four per room. Claim wherever you like that isn’t already taken.”
With that, Molly stood up and attempted to clean up around the fire, and Roger and Jean helped her. Alec left the room in a huff.
Joe wandered out of the room by himself, shoulders slumped and head low. I followed him into the hallway.
“Excuse me.”
He looked up, surprised and guarded.
I stuck out my hand. “I didn’t get a chance to introduce myself. I’m Kate.”
Joe looked at my hand, and then at my face, as if checking to see if I were serious. At last he shook. “Joe.”
I opened my mouth and closed it again, not quite sure what to say next. “I just—wanted to say that…” I sighed, and took another breath, trying again. “As much as I hate what you created, I… can see that you didn’t know what you were doing at the time.” His eyebrows furrowed, like he was trying to figure out where I was going with this. “And… well, I mean, your technology did destroy our nation. But it wasn’t you that did it, it was Voltolini. You couldn’t help it. I get that.”
He stared at me for a long moment. “You haven’t put it together yet, have you?”
“Put what together?”
Joe sighed. “I would very much like a friend, don’t get me wrong. But not under false pretenses.” He gestured at the room we just left. “You betrayed him.” I flinched; obviously I knew who he meant. But then he added, “Do you know why?”
I tried to recover myself. “Because—I wasn’t strong enough to resist the signals. Because I didn’t fight hard enough…”
“Because I created the specialized program to target your specific brainwaves, and I programmed you to turn against him,” Joe said. “Yours and his, actually, though I didn’t know who either one of you were or why Voltolini wanted it at the time. Now I think I can guess.”
This didn’t sink in right away. “You… targeted… both of us?”
He nodded, his mouth in a thin hard line. “Yes. But he didn’t give in. Only you did.” He searched my face. “Now you hate me. Right?”
I felt some emotion that I couldn’t name. “Does Jackson know?” I whispered.
Joe nodded, the bitter smile etched on his face. “I just told him on the way here. He knew you’d been specifically targeted, but he didn’t know he had too until then.”
Tears slipped onto my cheeks, unbidden, and I buried my face in my hands.
He resisted. And I didn’t.
“I—I’m sorry.”
I looked up, my cheeks and now my hands wet. On an impulse, I reached out and took Joe’s hand. He was too shocked to recoil.
“It wasn’t only your fault,” I whispered. “I’m not a victim. My mind is my own. I betrayed Jackson, and I deserve the blame for that. Not you.”
Joe blinked at me, stunned, and I saw tears in his eyes, too.
“You are a very good person,” he whispered, as he lifted my hand to his chapped lips, kissing the back of it. “Please excuse me.” He turned away from me abruptly, walking into one of the bedrooms and closing the door.
Chapter 24: Jackson
I woke up while it was still dark and wandered outside on the dilapidated porch to look at the forest in the early morning light. I had plenty to think about, but I intentionally didn’t allow the thoughts to come. There would be time enough for that later. Right now, I just needed to breathe in the serenity of the breeze rustling the trees—something steady and sure.
In this moment, Grandfather’s words came back to me, you have no problems at all. All the things that worry you are past or they are future, but they are not now. In the now, all is stillness.
Something behind me rustled, and my senses sharpened upon it. The movements were stiff and heavy—one of the guys, then. I turned around.
“Morning, Will.”
He stopped when he saw me. I knew from his body language that he’d hoped to be alone. “Morning.”
I turned back around, letting him escape if he so chose. But he approached me, leaning on the edge of the railing beside me and looking out at the forest.
“Almost makes you feel peaceful, huh?” he said.
I nodded. “Sure.” After a pause, I added, “I’m glad you guys made it out safe.”
“Thanks.”
It didn’t seem like we were going to say much else. Barely a trace of the friendship we’d managed to forge before the Beckenshire bombing remained. He resented me for something, but I couldn’t tell what it was. He’d probably tell me, if I just let the silence stretch out long enough.
“I assume you’re going with Joe and them back to the palace,” Will said stiffly.
I nodded. “If that’s what they choose to do, I assume so.”
“Kate’s gonna try to go with you guys, you know.”
I raised my eyebrows. “I thought she was going to New Estonia with you?”
“She ought to be,” Will turned to face me, crossing his arms over his chest and staring me down. “But I’m sure she’ll insist on going back to the palace to try to rescue her parents. She’s got no fighting skills. She’ll just be a target.”
“She’s a pretty good shot, actually, for how long she’s been training,” I pointed out, remembering the agent she gunned down even as he ran toward her on the roof.
“Well that’s great,” Will retorted, “maybe after all this is over she can enter an archery contest and win a trophy. But against trained soldiers with real bullets, she’ll die.”
I turned away from him, shaken. “Why are you telling me this?”
“Because she won’t listen to me anymore. She’ll only listen to you.” He pointed his finger in my face as he said this, like an accusation. “So if you love her, if you care about her at all, you’ll convince her to come to New Estonia with me—out of harm’s way!” Then he stalked off, leaving me in silence.
When I was alone again, I let out my breath in a heavy whoosh.
Will made a good point. Kate might have natural talent, but if she came with us to the palace, I’d be so busy trying to keep her safe that I wouldn’t be any good to Joe or the actual mission. Also, now that the bullets were real, even that probably wouldn’t be enough.
She probably would die, if she came with us. So would the rest of us, more than likely.
Ten minutes later or so, another pair of footsteps just brushed the floor on the threshold of the door to the porch behind me. I knew by the way she froze that it was Kate, and that she’d seen me. Probably she was trying to decide if she could tiptoe away without my notice.
She didn’t want to talk to me. That much was obvious from last night.
“Hey,” I said, without turning around.
I counted two beats before she replied.
“Hey,” she said at last.
I turned around. She had dark circles under her eyes, and had tossed her hair up in a messy bun. She didn’t look like she’d slept much.
“You seem to be yourself again,” I observed.
She nodded, her muscles still taut like an animal waiting for an opportunity to flee. I knew I should probably let her run away if she wanted to that badly, but I just didn’t know when we’d have another chance like this.
I turned back to stare at the trees, leaning against the rotting wooden beam enclosing the edge of the porch. “I hope you don’t think I’m a fiend anymore.”
When she didn’t say anything, I looked back and saw her frozen in the middle of the porch, tears slipping down her cheeks. When she saw me looking, she shook her head no, but she wouldn’t look up.
I sighed. This isn’t going very well. “If you don’t think that, then can you tell me why you’re still avoiding me?”
At last, she crossed the rest of the porch to lean against the railing beside me. That was something.
“I… just… didn’t expect to see you here,” she said at last.
I gripped the edge of the porch. That wasn’t an explanation. I tried another tack.
“I saw you follow Joe last night after we finished,” I said.
She nodded.
I exhaled. “What did you guys talk about?”
“I just told him… that I didn’t hold him responsible,” she sniffled.
I tried to process this. “You don’t—?”
“I’m not saying it wasn’t his fault what he did,” she cut me off, with more vehemence than I’d expected, “I just know what it’s like to hate yourself and wish more than anything that you could have a do-over. But you can’t. None of us can, and he has to live with that for the rest of his life. So what good does it do for all of us to judge him, when he’s already judging himself more harshly than we ever could? He’s his own worst enemy, and that’s the worst feeling in the entire world!”
I stared at her, trying to read between the lines. “We’re not talking about Joe anymore, are we?”
Kate sniffed, and said nothing, more tears spilling onto her cheeks. My chest ached with emotion. I wanted so badly to comfort her, but because I didn’t know what she was crying about, I didn’t know how.
“So you’re going to New Estonia, huh?” I ventured. Now was as good a time as any.
Her eyes flashed. “Will spoke out of turn. I never said I’d go with him.”
“Well… maybe you should.”
She looked stung. “You want me to go with Will?”
“I want you to be safe, and to live a long, happy life.”
“With Will.”
“Well—why not with Will?” I tasted bile when I said it, but it was a reasonable question.
“Jackson, I—” she stopped. I held my breath.
“What?”
She squeezed her eyes shut, and shook her head. “Nothing,” she whispered. “I should… go help Molly with breakfast.”
“What is it, Kate?” I burst out before I could stop myself. “Talk to me!”
But she just shook her head. “It doesn’t matter.”
Perhaps she did still believe some of the things she’d said to me in the dungeons—maybe she was still wrestling to identify what was real. I just wished she would tell me. I searched her face.
“Do you remember what I said to you in the dungeons?” I said at last.
She closed her eyes and shook her head a little. “Everything from then is a little fuzzy—”
“I said I love you.”
She blinked at me, startled, and I felt the pressure in my chest begin to subside as I let out the breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding. “I just needed you to hear the truth at least once, when it had a chance of sinking in. Only the truth you know can set you free.” I gave her a half smile, referencing another conversation we’d had in the dungeons. Which she also likely didn’t remember.
She still stared at me, frozen and wide-eyed. I cupped her chin in one hand and she didn’t back away, but she didn’t move toward me either. So I released her, at last giving her the space she so clearly wanted.
Chapter 25: Kate
I don’t know how long I stood there in the middle of the porch after Jackson left. It was a long time before my brain would register anything at all. When it finally did, all I could do was replay the last few moments over and over again—the touch of his hand on my face, and his words.
I said I love you.
Love, he’d said. Not loved. It wasn’t past tense. He had said it in the dungeons too—I did remember that. But everything from the palace felt like some kind of dream. This time, though… this was real.
Yet my brain couldn’t comprehend it. The cold reception in the kitchen last night had made sense, and it was no more than I deserved.
But how could he love me after what I’d done to him?
I stood there frozen, trying to work that out until eventually I heard the rustling of bodies inside getting up for the day. Molly’s low voice spoke to Nick in the kitchen as she sorted through pots and pans, presumably to try to make some breakfast. Something about that very natural and domestic sound broke through my reverie.
If he said he loves me, then… he must forgive me, too.
But that wasn’t possible. How could he, if I couldn’t even forgive myself? Did I even want his forgiveness, if I knew I didn’t deserve it?
Yes, I decided, with a sudden overwhelming surge of desperation. I had to know if he really did, and I had to know now, or it would drive me crazy.
I went inside to find Jackson again, make him come back here and finish this, though I wasn’t quite sure what I’d say when I did find him. But as soon as I stepped over the threshold and reentered the house, Jean cornered me.
“There you are. You and I need to strategize—we can maybe use the net screen here to get that message to Jillian. We should sit down and draft the message you want to send her. I think it shouldn’t be through the anonymous hotline, though—it should be from you, personally. So I’ll need you to tell me everything about the servers in the newsroom so we have the best chance of her actually opening and seeing it—”
“Okay, um,” I cut her off breathlessly. I knew this was all important, but hadn’t heard a word she’d said. “I’m sorry, but I need to talk to Jackson. I’ll be right back…”
I could hear his voice in the living room, along with Charlie’s and Alec’s. I pushed past Jean, not caring if I came off rude. I’d apologize later. But Will emerged from the back bedroom before I had a chance, blocking my path.
“Morning. Sleep okay?” he asked me, and stood there, waiting for my reply.
“Fine,” I murmured. “Sorry, can I—”
But Will didn’t hear me. “Listen, I chatted with Joe this morning about the locations of the control centers in New Estonia, and he helped me draft another message to them—”
“Breakfast is ready!” Molly interjected. “Come grab your plates!”
I bit my lip in frustration, and Jean, Roger, and Jacob queued up in the hallway. I tried to catch Jackson’s eye as he filtered in from the living room, but Charlie had him locked in conversation with his back to me.
Molly had somehow scrounged up scrambled eggs, with green chilis in them, no less. I didn’t know how she’d managed it.
“Powdered!” she announced when Jacob expressed his appreciation. “And canned chilis. They never go bad.”<
br />
“Gotta love preservatives!” Jacob grinned, shoving a forkful in his mouth.
“Yeah, they might kill you in fifty years,” said Charlie, “but who’s got fifty years to worry about?”
I would have just tapped Jackson on the shoulder while we were both in the kitchen and told him I needed to talk to him, but the kitchen was so cramped I couldn’t even reach him. Once they’d finished serving themselves, he, Charlie, Roger, Jacob, Nick, and Molly all convened in the living room. I gathered, as I strained to catch their conversation, that they’d decided on Jackson’s plan of taking Joe to the main control center in the IT wing of the palace after all, and wanted to take every fighter they had along to ensure the best possible outcome. Molly would go too, just because Nick wouldn’t leave her behind.
“Will and Kate are going to New Estonia,” I overheard Nick say to Roger, “and Will needs Jean’s help until then—so I assume she’ll go to New Estonia with them.”
No, I thought desperately. I’m not going to New Estonia! I have to go to the palace. I just have to. I started to follow the hunters as they reconvened in the living room, but Alec grabbed Joe’s arm and pulled him into the hallway with an urgent look on his face, blocking my path. Before I could dodge them and chart my course to the living room again, Will called me over to him. He was sitting at the particle board kitchen table beside Jean.
“Kate,” he said, “we need your help figuring out how to get a message to Jillian.”
I stood there indecisively, staring first at the living room and then at the table where Will and Jean sat. I also glanced at Joe a few times, mistrustful of Alec. They spoke in low tones, and Joe looked rather frightened. I couldn’t see Alec’s expression.
“Hold on,” I called to Will. I had a vague idea of pretending to go to the bathroom, scooting by Alec and Joe enough to hear what they were talking about, and passing through to the living room on the other side. Alec stopped talking and favored me with a scowl as I inched by, and I walked into the bathroom, turning on the sink as a ruse. I closed the door almost all the way but left it open just a crack, and pressed my ear against the door.
“—At least program the thing to tell everyone what Voltolini really is first!” Alec was whispering. “How is that wrong?”
