Me: You said you have a sister, right? Does she have a weird name too? Any other siblings?
Monty: I have two siblings. My sister’s name is Denver, but we call her Denny, and my younger brother’s name is Charleston, but we call him Chuck.
Monty: And I’ve just realized why you said our names are weird. *facepalm* Thanks, Mom and Dad!
Me: It’s kind of cute though. Except Charleston. That’s just weird.
Monty: We thought so too, that’s why he’s just Chuck.
Me: Why those names?
Monty: Dad’s from Charleston. Mom’s from Denver. We lived in Montana.
Me: Be honest, Monty—how much did you get picked on for being named after your home state?
Monty: Ugh. SO much. They all thought Denny’s name was cute though.
Me: *cue eye roll*
Monty: LOL thanks for being on my side, ROBBIE.
Me: Much better.
Monty: So, FRIEND, what are you doing right now?
Me: Oh hell. This is going to sound so nerdy and not sexy.
Monty: Good. You need to be knocked down a few sexy pegs.
Me: Do not.
Me: Anyway, I’m sitting in a basement playing video games.
Monty: NERD!
Monty: KIDDING! Maybe.
Me: I mean, I kind of AM a nerd, though.
Monty: Because you play video games? I play a mean Mario Kart and I’m not a nerd.
Me: You’re totally a nerd, Monty. You’re a buttoned-up, study until you die kind of nerd though.
Me: And it’s sexy as hell.
Monty: You’re really going to give me a complex here.
Me: I doubt that.
Monty: Why are you a nerd though?
Me: I, uh, I code for a living.
Monty: Right. And was that code for something else?
Me: Ha! No. I mean, I write codes. I develop apps.
Monty: I thought you worked with kids?
Me: I do, but in a roundabout way. I helped develop an app called Embody Positivity (go ahead and Google that shit…we’re legit) and we run a “safe house” of sorts.
“You guys still talking?”
“Yeah.”
He pokes my cheek. “You’re blushing and it’s cute as hell.”
“Please go away.”
“Uh, bro, you’re in my house—you go away.” He gasps. “Holy crap! I just realized I can kick you out because you don’t live here anymore. This is the best news I’ve heard all day.”
“Someone’s exaggerating.”
“He does that a lot,” Delia says as she makes her way down the stairs. She looks from me to Xavie. “Are you boys staying for dinner?”
“What are you having?” my son asks.
“Dude! Not cool. Thought I was raising you better than that.”
He shrugs. “It’s an important question.”
“He’s not wrong,” Zach adds.
“If it’s pizza, we’re in,” Xavie answers for us.
I grin, because, like Zach said, he’s not wrong.
Delia laughs and shakes her head. “Pizza is fine. Zach, put in our order, please?”
“You got it, babe.”
“You got it, babe,” I mock. “Disgusting.”
“You just wish I’d call you babe.” Zach smacks a kiss to my cheek and dodges my fist before running up the stairs to go place the pizza order.
Delia takes his spot on the couch and shrugs. “He’s your best friend.”
“He’s your boyfriend!”
She sighs. “Don’t remind me.”
“Xavie thinks Zach hung the moon. Maybe we should let him claim the doof.”
“I’m pretty sure your son still eats his own boogers, Robbie—is he really the best judge of character?”
“Hey! I don’t eat my boogers!” He slides his eyes sideways, which is his tell. Kid will probably dig one out on the car ride home and stick it to the seat or some shit. “Anymore.”
Delia curls her lip and mimics Raven-Symoné’s character from That’s So Raven. “Ya nasty.”
He giggles, and they launch into some sort of who can do the better “ya nasty” voice competition.
Monty: I Googled.
Me: Yeah? Was wondering where you disappeared to.
Monty: Boobie, I’m in awe right now.
Monty: Oh crows. I meant ROBBIE.
Monty: But you knew that…
Monty: Still embarrassing.
Monty: As you can tell, I’m not so great with technology.
Me: Did they not have any in Montana?
Monty: HUSH IT, MISTER!
Monty: They have technology. WE just didn’t have it in my house. My parents weren’t fond of it, so we didn’t have computers or cell phones, and we had tube TVs. MIND BLOWN, HUH?
Me: Fuck yes it is! That’s…that’s…PREPOSTEROUS! How is that even possible?
Monty: It was my norm.
Me: What if you were stuck somewhere and needed a ride? What if something happened? If your car broke down? What if the world was ending and the aliens were coming for you AND YOU COULDN’T PHONE HOME?!
Monty: First, very clever. Second, I didn’t have a car. Third, we’d just make do? That’s what my parents always said. I didn’t get a cell phone until I went away to college. That’s when I got my first computer too. I wasn’t allowed to even buy anything when I got my first paycheck.
Me: This is seriously blowing my mind right now.
Me: My parents made me work hard as shit for everything I got, and cell phones weren’t even cool for kids to have until I was a junior/senior, but still.
Me: So what’d you do for fun?
Monty: Read.
Me: See? Nerd. So hot.
Monty: Stop it.
Me: What are you gonna do? Call me Boobie again?
Monty: I don’t think I wanna be your friend anymore.
Me: We can still bang though, right?
Monty: We’ll see.
5
Monty
Python: So, I was thinking about the night we met…
Me: You’re still horny, you want to bang—yes, I get it, Robbie. *eye roll*
Python: Well, little miss THANG, I wasn’t going to say anything about how I still wake up nearly every day with morning wood courtesy of a certain redhead, or how I’ve spent a stupid amount of time taking cold showers, or hot showers with extra soap, BUT, I digress…
Me: Get on with it already.
Python: Ooooh. Someone’s testy today. Get your Cheerios peed in?
Me: Basically.
Me: Just frustrated by a coworker.
Python: I thought you hadn’t started work yet.
Me: I haven’t. I’m here decorating.
Me: Anyway, he keeps asking me out for drinks and stuff. Normally, I’d go but…
Python: But you’re busy making banging plans with a hot-as-fuck, tattooed single dad, right?
Me: Whatever helps you sleep at night.
Me: No. I’d love to make a friend, but he doesn’t want to be just friends. He wants more and I’m not into that…not into him.
Python: Then tell him that.
Me: I have! Several times!
Python: How? Men are real fucking stupid and sometimes we need shit SPELLED THE FUCK OUT for us.
Me: I’ve turned him down every single time.
Python: Something tells me that while that may be true, it’s only partially true.
Me: Wait, what?
Python: Listen, Monty, you’re a sweet girl, super fucking sexy in a girl-next-door kinda way, but that’s just it—you’re sweet. I bet when you turn him down you say, “Not tonight. Maybe next time.” Huh? That’s what you say, right?
Me: Oh cats. Yes, it is.
Me: Is this all my fault then?
Python: First, “Oh cats”? Really? You don’t even say hell?
Python: Second, no. The dude is a fucking idiot for not taking the hint, but next time be firm.
Python: Tell him about the
hot, VERY muscled, big-cocked guy you’re gonna be banging soon. That’ll chase him away.
Python: Still there, Monty?
Me: Is it possible to die from rolling your eyes so hard?
Python: You texted back, so apparently not.
Me: You know what I just realized? You never elaborated on the whole “the night we met” story of yours.
Python: Because you just had to go and make it all about you.
Python: Kidding. And no, I didn’t, huh?
Me: Well?
Python: I was wondering why it was ME you went into the bathroom with. I mean, out of all the dudes in Lola’s, why me? And don’t say I was the first to approach you. That’s bullshit, and if it isn’t bullshit, your standards are extremely low and we need to have a chat about that.
Me: No, you weren’t the first to approach me. You just had the best opening.
Python: I think you’re the one with the best opening.
Texting (The Complete Series Page 46
