“Look,” he starts, his voice a whisper. “I know we haven’t really talked about marriage. I honestly never knew if you wanted it or not and I didn’t want to pressure you, but I do, Delia. I want it. I want to marry you so badly. I want to call you Delia Hastings. I want to call you wife. I want to call you mine.”
Tears drip down my cheeks, this time for a good reason.
“Hey, don’t cry.” The pad of Zach’s thumb feels rough across my face. “That’s not allowed.”
“I can’t help it. I’m just so…happy. I’ve been wanting to talk to you about marriage for weeks.”
“So why didn’t you?”
“I was scared.”
“Of what?”
“You turning me down.”
He scoffs. “Please. Like that’s possible. I mean, have you seen your ass?”
I laugh. “You really planned a whole wedding for today? Just assumed I was going to say yes?”
“There was never a doubt in my mind you’d say anything else.”
“How could you be so sure?”
“Because, Delia, you’re it for me. And besides…” He drops his lips to my ear. “Dimples.”
Laughter bubbles out of me. “I can’t believe you.”
“Believe it, baby.”
“Are we really getting married today?”
“If you want to, yes. I’ve kind of been planning it for weeks now. It’s why I’ve been on my phone constantly, making sure everything was in order.”
Ah, that explains so much.
“Is that why Marshmallow’s wearing a bowtie?”
“What? No, that’s dumb. He just looks cute in it.”
My lips twitch because, to Zach, a goat in a bowtie makes perfect sense, but not if it’s for a wedding.
“I’m not dressed for a wedding, you know.”
He glances down at my dress. “You’re wearing your ranch dressing bottle dress. I couldn’t imagine you in anything else.”
“You’re not dressed for a wedding.”
“Fine.” He rolls his eyes. “I’ll put my Ryan Reynolds apron back on. Stop begging.”
“I didn’t wash my hair today.”
“You act like that’s something new.” He tugs me closer, wrapping his arms around me, neither of us caring about how wet he is. “Now, any other trivial excuse you got?”
“No.”
“Good, because I really wanna marry you today, Delia.”
His lips find mine, and for the first time in a while, everything feels right.
“Hey! Knock it off. We aren’t at that part yet,” Robbie hollers. “Zoe, let’s do this shit!”
“She was in on it?”
“Yep.”
“Was everyone in on it?”
Denny raises her hand. “I’m surprised as hell right now.”
“What she said,” Monty agrees. “I’m also annoyed-slash-impressed that Robert kept it a secret.”
“I’m sorry, babe,” he says to her. “I’ll make sure to dick you real good later to make up for it.”
Monty’s cheeks flame red, and everyone groans at his crassness. In typical Robbie fashion, he doesn’t care.
Zoe comes running back out of the house, tossing her phone at Caleb. “Here, record this shit for their parents. I gotta go be maid of honor.” She runs down to where we’re standing, wrapping her arms around my neck, squeezing me. “Surprise! Happy wedding day!”
I hold her tightly. “I’m going to kill you later.”
“No you’re not. I’m bearing your godchild.”
“Fine, but after Baby Delia’s here, you’re dead.”
Pulling away, she laughs. “Deal.” She claps her hands together. “Okay, here we go!”
Robbie steps up to Zach, acting as the witness.
“Uh, aren’t we missing an officiant?”
“Oh, right. How could I forget?” Zach shakes his head. “Hey! Anyone here happen to be an officiant?”
Caleb rises from his chair. “Well, shit. I just happened to get certified last night. What a coincidence.”
“What!” Zoe cries. “You’re in on this too?”
“You aren’t the only sneaky one.” He winks at her and hands her phone off to Shep. “You just got promoted to videographer. Zoe, quit hollering. You’re gonna scare the baby.”
She grabs her sandal off her foot, shaking it at him.
Caleb actually flinches.
“Look,” Zach says, “this isn’t like official official because we don’t have marriage certificate yet. I tried getting one, but they thought I was kidnapping you and forcing you into marriage or some shit, but we can go right after this, get the certificate, sign it, and we’re good to go, or we can go now. Up to you.”
“I want to marry you right now.”
Zach takes my hands, squeezing them. “Good, because I can’t wait another second.”
“Then shut up so I can officiate this thing.” Caleb slides a sheet of paper from his pocket and clears his throat. “It all started with a strapping young lad getting dumped by his hot—but not hotter than his baby momma—ex-girlfriend.”
“Caleb!” Zoe seethes.
“Right, right. I’ll skip ahead.” He stares at the paper for a second before folding it and tucking it away. “You know, I had this whole romantic speech planned, but I think I’m gonna scrap it, and not just because Zoe would have my balls if I continued. We’re here today to celebrate two people who are the epitome of unconditional love. There’s nothing traditional about Zach and Delia, especially given their meet cute. I mean, who keeps texting the wrong number and gets the girl in the end? Hastings, that’s who. Who buys a baby goat for a stranger? Hastings. Who invites everyone over for a wedding masked as a barbeque and then doesn’t serve any barbeque? Hastings. Spoiler alert: he ordered pizzas.”
“With extra ranch,” my soon-to-be husband interjects. “You’re all welcome.”
Caleb points at him. “Remember what I said about unconditional? That right there is proof of it, because there are a whole lot of conditions attached to what he just said. Really, man? Ranch and pizza?”
Zach shrugs. “Don’t knock it until you try it.”
“Never. Ranch is the devil’s semen.”
“Caleb Mills! You cannot say semen during a wedding ceremony!”
“Ah, shit. I forgot we were still doing that.” Everyone laughs. “Right. Ahem. Anyway, I’d go through the whole if anyone has anything to say do it now speech, but no one here is going to object. I mean, how could you?” Caleb smiles warmly at us. “Delia, I love you like a sister, and I am so happy you found someone brave enough to take you on.”
Tears prick my eyes and I smile, trying to fight them. “Thank you, Caleb.”
“Hastings? Does she let you have half the pizza?”
“She does.”
“Then you’re definitely the one.”
Zach laughs.
“Okay, as we can all see, I am clearly very bad at this, and believe it or not, my script was worse, but let’s be honest—this wedding wouldn’t be a Zach and Delia event without a little awkwardness. So, let’s get to the important part.” Caleb faces me. “Delia Devlin, do you take Zach Hastings to be your awfully wedded husband?”
“Lawfully.” Zoe sighs. “I cannot believe I let you get me pregnant.”
“Can I just ask one question first?”
Zach furrows his brows. “Like right now?”
“Yes. It’s important.”
“Shoot.”
“How do you feel about kids?”
“Ew!” He shudders. “I mean, they’re great when I can give them back to their parents, but I’ll pass on having my own. Besides, we have our hands full with the goats…and me.”
He winks, and I laugh.
“Then I do.”
“Zachary Hastings, do take Delia Devlin to be your awfully”—he smirks a little—“wedded wife?”
“Send it.”
“Zachary! That is not I do!” I admonish.
&nb
sp; “Same-same diff, Delia,” Robbie chimes in. “Just kiss this dumbass already. It’s my turn for the slip and slide.”
“This is the weirdest wedding I’ve ever attended,” Denny says.
“If it makes you feel any better, I’m recording it on two phones so we can watch all this awkwardness from multiple angles later,” Shep tells her.
Denny points to her sister. “Make sure you get your sister-in-law boohooing over there.”
Shep turns the cameras toward Monty, who hides her face behind her hands.
“Stop! I can’t help it. It’s just so beautiful!”
“Who has the rings?” Caleb asks.
“Funny story about that…” Robbie rocks back on his heels. “I was hiding Zach’s ring in my pocket and it fell out.” He winces. “Then Milk Chocolate kind of ate it. So, we’re gonna have to do rings later…like maybe tomorrow.”
“We should really submit this to Sundance,” Shep suggests.
“If we don’t win a fucking Oscar for this shit, I’m gonna be so pissed,” Denny agrees.
“Right.” Caleb presses forward. “Rings later. Well, then, by the power vested in me by Help I Need to Officiate My Friend’s Wedding dot com, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride, but make it fast, because the pizza’s getting cold.”
My eyes meet Zach’s, and there’s nothing but that unconditional love Caleb mentioned shining in them. He leans into me, smiling, those dimples I fell in love with poking through.
“What do you say, Delia?” he whispers, our lips so close but not quite touching. “You jump…”
This moment? It’s my favorite moment of my entire life.
“I jump.”
And we take the leap together.
THE END
Bonus Content
So…did you love ’em?!
Can’t get enough?
Here’s a special Valentine’s Day short I wrote in 2018. This takes place after Let’s Get Textual.
Let’s Get It* On
*Valentine’s Day
Zach
“Zach, you about ready?”
“Coming!”
I hit save on the snippet of code I’m working on and put my laptop to sleep before closing the lid. I have this weird obsession where I always put my computer to sleep when I’m not staring at it. It needs some shuteye too, right?
After slipping my feet into my shoes, grabbing my jacket and keys off the chair, and head to the stairs to meet up with my hopefully soon-to-be ex-roommate, Robbie.
I’m not an ass (most of the time), but I say hopefully soon-to-be because tonight, on Valentine’s Day, I’m asking my girlfriend Delia to move in with me.
We haven’t been together that long yet, less than six months, but you know what they say: when you know, you know.
And I definitely fucking know.
This girl came crashing into my world last year via a wrong number and I haven’t been able to get her off my mind since. We have so much and nothing in common all at once. She’s become my person in such a short amount of time, and I can’t see her never being in my life.
Add in all the bullshit we’ve already had to endure thanks to my jackass stepbrother, who I’m still not speaking to, I know we’re ready.
We’re solid.
“Zaaaach,” Robbie draws my name out in annoyance from the top of the stairs.
“Yeah, yeah. I’m coming. Hold on to your Barbie panties.”
“They are not Barbie. They’re Bratz dolls.”
“You’re joking…”
“Am I?”
With Robbie? Who knows.
Shaking my head, I climb the stairs to the main level of the house.
Making my way into the living room, Robbie on my heels, I peer out the bay windows, checking on my baby goats Marshmallow, Graham Cracker, and Milk Chocolate and making sure they’re secure in the house I built for them before locking up.
We climb into my car and begin our trek across town. We’re about five miles down the road before Robbie speaks again.
“Are you sure she’s ready to move in? That’s a huge step. What if Delia says no?”
I chuckle and run a hand down my chest. “Please, like she could say no to all of this.”
I don’t even have to be looking at Robbie to know he rolls his eyes.
“Many girls would say no to all of that.”
“But not Delia,” I argue.
“Maybe not Delia.”
“No. No maybe bullshit. Think positive, Robbie.”
“Why? So I can be kicked out of my house?”
“You’re not being kicked out. You could totally still live with us if you want.”
“And have to hear, ‘Oh, please, Professor McGonagall, let me into your Chamber of Secrets.’” He shudders. “Which is really fucking gross because McGonagall is old as shit, man. Do you really wanna slide all up into that dried up Chamber of Secrets?”
“One, it’s called roleplay. McGonagall is young in our fantasies. Two, you listen to us?”
“You act like I have a choice. Do you have any idea how loud you two can get?”
I smirk, because I do know. It’s loud. “Don’t you own headphones or something?”
“So now I have to wear headphones in my own home while you go to Nerd Funkytown with your lady? No way, bro.”
“Creep.”
He rolls his eyes again and mutters, “Whatever.”
“Robbie, man, I want to be sure you’re okay with this before I go through with it. You’re my main man and I don’t want to cause any trouble between us.”
He twists his face up. “Shut the hell up, dude. If I had a problem, I wouldn’t beat around the bush with it. I’d let you know. I’m just giving you shit. We’re good. I’ll never repeat this sappy trash again, but I admire the relationship you and Delia have built. I think you’re good for each other on many levels and I know you’re going to make it the long haul. So, I’m good. Besides, it’s about time I got my own place for Xavier’s sake. He needs to see his dad being a grownup and providing for him. We both know I’ve been slacking in that area for far too long now.”
“You’re a good father, Robbie.”
“I know. I never said I wasn’t. I’m just saying that I need to get out on my own. I need to step up my game.”
“Fair enough. And you sure you’re good with…” I gesture toward him, hoping he’ll fill in the blank. Talking money with your friends is always awkward.
“Do you have any idea how much I’ve saved living with your ass when you wouldn’t let me pay for shit? Yeah, Zach. I’m good.”
I steer the car into a lot and pull into a parking space, pushing the car into park.
“Good. Now, get the fuck out of my car. I have supplies to pick up.”
“You’re either insane for doing this, or you’re a damn genius.”
“I’m going with genius.”
He pushes open the door and steps out.
“Make good choices! And for the love of all things holy, wear a fucking condom, man.”
Robbie flips me off and slams my door closed, cutting off my laughter. He strolls into Lola’s, his choice of establishment this fine Valentine’s Day, and I silently remind myself to shoot him a text later to give me a call if he needs a ride.
I pull out of the lot and head to my next destination, wanting to rub my hands together with glee.
Delia’s going to love this.
The doorbell chimes throughout the house and all I hear is the bleating of goats because they know Mama has arrived.
I race the Nigerian Dwarf goats, nearly tripping over them as I try to pull open the front door.
Delia jumps up and down and claps her hands at the sight of them, just as in love as she was the day we got them.
“Hi babies! Mama’s here!”
She drops to her knees right there on the porch and lets the goats swarm her, giving them rubs and hugs and kisses.
“Ah, I see how it is. Buy a girl some
goats and she’ll leave you for them.”
“Maybe you should try being as cute as them from time to time.” She grins up at me.
“I am as cute as them. Hell, even cuter.”
“Whatever helps you sleep at night.”
She stands, herding the goats inside as I shut the door behind her. I pull her into my arms, gripping her by the waist and hugging her close to me.
She lets out a squeal of delight just as I press my lips to hers.
I take my time giving her the best first Valentine’s Day kiss I can, moving my lips over hers in seduction. Her body begins to melt against mine and I tighten my grip on her before she goes down.
“Hi,” she says breathlessly when I finally pull away.
“Hey gorgeous.”
“Gorgeous, huh? What do you want?”
I let her go, laughing. “Nothing. Just complimenting my girl.”
“Gorgeous. My girl. Yeah, you want something. I’m not doing anal, Zach.”
I point a finger at her. “That is not what you said last week!”
“I said maybe.”
“It’s a special occasion, Delia. There’s never a better time for maybes than special occasions.”
“No. Butt. Stuff. Tonight.”
“But butt stuff isn’t completely off the table?”
She gives me a saucy grin. “We’ll see.”
“Glad you could see it my way.” I wink. “Now, come on. Let’s get this evening started. Let me put the kids away.”
She bends down and gives them all pets. “Bye, my sweeties. I’ll see you all later.”
“I’m taking them outside. Why don’t you pour us some wine? Or beer. Whatever you want, babe.”
“Babe too?” she teases.
I laugh and corral the goats, pushing them out the back door and into their little house.
I make sure the latch the door tightly and then make my way back inside, praying Delia’s still in the kitchen so she doesn’t ruin the surprise.
My heart rate calms when I find her still pouring a glass of wine.
She slides a beer my way as she puts the bottle back into the fridge.
“How’d you know?”
“What? You thought I missed your not-so-subtle hint earlier?”
Texting (The Complete Series Page 92
