by Jon Fosse
Did you slip? I say
I must have, Asle says
and Asle thinks he must have slipped, he’s slipped for some reason, he thinks
But I don’t remember slipping, he says
No, I say
and then I stand there and look at Asle and hold his shoulder
I don’t understand what’s happening, Asle says
and I keep my hand on his shoulder and then I put my hand under his arm and I try to lift him up off of the ground and he stays kneeling and his whole body is shaking and I say he must be freezing and he says no, no it’s not that, and he breaks off, but you don’t happen to have anything to drink on you? he says, yes, that’s why I’m shaking, I need a drink, he says, you need to get me a little something to drink, something strong, he says and I say we need to catch a taxi and go to The Clinic
No, Asle says
and he’s thinking he’s not going to any damn Clinic, all he needs is a little something to drink and then everything’ll be fine, everything’ll be all right again, he thinks
I don’t want to go to any Clinic, Asle says
I don’t need to, he says
and again Asle says that all he needs is a little drink, he says and he kneels up and I stand back up and then take him under both his arms and pull and he helps as best he can and then Asle is standing and it’s stopped snowing now and Asle shakes himself off, brushes the snow off himself
Well I’ll be damned, I must have slipped, he says
and he says that now we need to get over to The Alehouse, to The Last Boat, yes, it’s not far, it’s just over there, he says, we just have to go the rest of the way down The Lane, he says and I see that we’re standing in front of building number 5 in The Lane and he says yes and then we just need to take a left and we’ll see The Fishmarket and there, on the other side of The Bay, there’s The Alehouse, with a view onto The Bay, Asle says, and it was really great to run into me again after all this time, he says and I think well then we’ll go over to The Alehouse and I’ll buy him a little something to drink so he stops shaking and then I’ll drive him home, I think
It’s really been too long since we’ve seen each other, I say
Yes, Asle says
But now we’ll have a glass of something and talk, he says
Yes, I say
and I think that this was an act of God, it was God’s doing that I drove into Bjørgvin again, just think if I hadn’t done that, think if Asle had stayed lying there in front of 5, The Lane, he’d have frozen to death, if no one had found him in time he’d have frozen to death right there in the snow, I think, so I absolutely did the right thing by driving into Bjørgvin, but why did I do it? when I was so tired? it turned out to be the right thing to do but what made me do it at all? I think and I hold Asle’s arm and we walk down The Lane and now he’s walking steadily, I think
I’m not drunk, Asle says
You don’t need to hold my arm, he says
and I let go of his arm and Asle thinks that things are all right now, he’s almost not shaking any more, but what a damn shame that he passed out, yes, he must have thought that he should ring the bell at Guro’s house, and now why would he do that? what kind of a notion was that? he thinks, and then he passed out in front of the door and why was he lying on the steps of the building where Guro’s apartment is, he thinks
I never get drunk any more, Asle says
I wish I did, he says
and I ask him in that case why does he drink, and he says that he drinks to get back to normal, to not shake, yes, to be normal the way other people are, he says and I say yes, yes, if that’s how it is then that’s how it is and by now we’ve come out from The Lane and we take a left and walk down the pavement and I see Asle start shaking again and I think that the way Asle’s shaking now he needs something to drink in a hurry, to be normal again, I think
I only need a shot or two to be all right again, Asle says
and I think he mustn’t drink so much, he needs to cut down on his drinking, he needs to get rid of this horrible shaking of his, I think, but can he do it? does he want to do it? I think and I say now we’ll go to The Alehouse, to The Last Boat, and he can get a shot there and warm himself up a little, I say, and I say that after that I can drive him home
I’ll buy you a shot or two and a glass of beer, I say
This round’s on me, I say
No I can get this one, Asle says
I’m positive it’s my turn, I say
Yes all right thanks, he says
No way are you buying, I say
and Asle says thanks, thanks, that’s nice of you, he says and now we’ve reached The Fishmarket and I see Asle stagger a little and I grab his arm and he says thank you and then I hold Asle’s arm and I say we’ll be there soon, it’s not far, no, I say
Yes, yes, he says
and it seems like he’s shaking a little less, but now and then I notice that it seems to come in waves, the shaking moves through him like a wave and then he’s still again
We can already see the sign from here, The Alehouse, he says
and then suddenly, totally unexpectedly, he crumples next to me, and I grab him and try to hold him up but I can’t do it, Asle just collapses and stays lying on his side and I bend down and I shake him and he doesn’t wake up and I hold my hand in front of his mouth and he’s breathing, no, impossible, I can’t take him to The Alehouse, we need to go to The Clinic, I think, and Asle sort of wakes up and he thinks damn it, he must have passed out again, he thinks and he looks up at me
I seem to have slipped again, he says
and I think it’s good that I’m here, it’s good that Asle isn’t alone because what would happen to him then? he’s totally weak and helpless now, isn’t he? he’s not exactly in good shape, I think, and anyway he couldn’t be, I think, and I say again that we really ought to go to The Clinic and Asle says no, we’re almost at The Alehouse and if he just gets a little something to drink he’ll feel better, he says
I haven’t had much to eat in a while, he says
I’ve hardly eaten in the past couple of days, that’s why I’m so weak, he says
and he says that first he’ll just have a drink, then he’ll get himself a little food, they have good food at The Alehouse, first something to drink and then something to eat
All right, I say
But you just collapsed, I say
You’re not okay, something’s wrong, I say
and Asle thinks he’s okay, it’s just this shaking, and he does need to start drinking less, cut down, wean his body off drinking, he thinks
It’s just that I need a drink, he says
We need to go to The Clinic, I say
No we’ll go to The Last Boat, Asle says
and he tries to sit up and I grab him under his arms and help him get to his knees
No, you’re not well, I say
and Asle says that he doesn’t want to go to any Clinic, he’ll be fine if he just has a drink, he says and I hold out my hand to him and he gathers his strength and I pull and he pushes off from the snow with his other hand and struggles up and gets up and then he’s standing steady on his feet and I hold his arm and I think yes, well, then we’ll just go to The Alehouse, but Asle isn’t well and I should have taken him to The Clinic, I think, but I won’t refuse him anything, he has to do for himself whatever he thinks is best, I think and then we walk carefully onward, step by step, and now he’s steady on his feet, I can see that, and it’s stopped snowing now, and I think that we’ll make it, it’s just up ahead, he’ll get something to drink soon, and then something to eat, I think and I open the door to The Alehouse and Asle goes in and he says thanks and now he’s perfectly steady, except that he’s shaking, his whole body’s shaking, especially his hands, and he stops right inside the door and brushes the snow off himself with shaking hands and I say he should sit down and I’ll go buy him a drink, I say, and Asle walks over to the nearest table and sits down with his black overcoat s
till on and he puts his brown leather shoulderbag down on the chair next to him
It must feel good to sit down, I say
Yes, Asle says
and he’s thinking that it’s nice and warm in The Alehouse and if he just gets a drink then the shaking will stop and he sits nice and straight on the chair and I see that his whole body is shaking, and he needs some food, I think, but he probably can’t manage to eat anything, I think
I’m having trouble getting food down, Asle says
As soon as a bite comes near my mouth I feel like I want to throw up, he says
Have you eaten anything today? I say
No, he says
Yesterday? I say
I don’t think so, he says
and he looks at me and I say then I’ll just go buy some beer and a shot for him, as for me I just want a cup of coffee, with a little milk, nothing else, I say and Asle nods and I go over to the counter and say what I want and the bartender goes to fetch it and I pay and then go over to the table where Asle’s sitting and put a pint of beer and a shot glass down in front of him and then I go back and get the mug of coffee, which I add a little milk to, and then the second shot glass, and I go put it down next to Asle and I put the mug of coffee down on the table by the chair across from Asle and he puts his hands around the first shot glass and tries to pick it up but his hands are shaking too much and a little splashes out and I take his glass
I’ll help you, I say
Thanks, he says
and I raise the glass to his mouth and Asle swallows it all in one gulp and then he breathes deeply in and out and he says now he’ll feel better soon, everything’ll be better in a minute, he says and he’s thinking that if he just has that second drink then he’ll be fine again, he thinks
I’ll just have that too, Asle says
and he points at the full second glass and I ask him if I should help and Asle says he’ll try to do it on his own
Yes, you do what you want, I say
and Asle raises the glass to his mouth with both hands and empties half of it and he thinks that was sure good, he already feels himself starting to calm down, he feels himself shaking less
That went well, I say
Yes, um, he says
and there’s silence
You’re not drinking any more? he says
and I say that I stopped drinking many years ago, I drank way too much, to tell the truth I was always drunk, and I needed to be sober in order to paint, I say, and Ales, my wife, well, of course she didn’t like that I drank so much so I decided to stop, and it was hard at the beginning and I had to change a lot of what I was used to but I managed it, I finally managed to stop drinking, but I needed help, I say, and I think that I’ve already told Asle this so many times and still he always asks me if I’ve stopped drinking, I think
That’s good, Asle says
That you were able to stop, he says
No, well, I say
It wasn’t that hard, I say
and I think that I shouldn’t say how I was able to do it, the fact is that I prayed and prayed to God every time the great thirst came over me, and also that if it hadn’t been for Ales, and for my faith, I never would’ve been able to do it, I think, but since Asle’s alone, and isn’t a believer, I can’t tell him that
I need to stop too, Asle says
But I can’t, he says
It’s impossible, he says
You need to get help, I say
Yes, he says
and then he puts his hands around the pint glass and tries to pick it up and he’s shaking but not as much as before and with both hands he manages to bring the pint to his lips and he takes a good gulp of beer
That went all right, then, he says
I’m fine and dandy if I just have a drink, Asle says
and he thinks that he wants to live, so he needs to stop drinking, but often, yes, most of the time, he doesn’t want to live any more, he’s always thinking he should go out to sea, disappear under the waves, Asle thinks and he says as soon as he has a little something to drink he stops shaking, yes, it’s like he gets all his strength back, he says and then there’s a long silence
But you were lying there, in the snow, I say
Yeah, Asle says
Do you remember falling down? I say
No, he says
I just remember that you were there, that you woke me up, he says
and I sit down on the chair across from Asle and I see that there aren’t many customers in The Last Boat at night, there are a few men scattered around the place sitting alone, each one by himself, each at his own table, one here and one there, with a pint of beer in front of him and a tobacco pouch on his side of the table, they roll themselves a cigarette, light it, take a good long drag of it, exhale the smoke, pick up the pint and take a sip of beer, sitting there alone, one here and one there, they sit there all alone in the world, each one at a different table, and it’s like they never notice that anyone else is even there, I think and Asle takes out his tobacco pouch and box of matches and then rolls himself a cigarette and he says he often shakes so badly that he’s had to start buying packs of cigarettes, but nothing tastes as good as a hand-rolled cigarette and beer and he’s left the pack of cigarettes at home, Asle says and he lights his cigarette
You stopped smoking a long time ago too, right? he says
Yes, I say
and there’s a pause
It’s been years and years, I say
I switched to snuff and that’s enough for me, I say
and I take out my snuffbox and take a good pinch
Maybe snuff would work for me too? Asle says
and again there’s a pause
But the most important thing is to start drinking less, he says
Yes, I say
and I think that it’s good he wants to drink less, but he won’t be able to do it without help, I think
It was hard to break the habit of drinking, the thirst was still there, but after the beginning the thirst did go away and then it was easy to leave it alone, I say
and I say that I didn’t actually want to stop smoking, but I was smoking so much that I’d wake up in the middle of the night to have a cigarette or two, and I was so tired of that that I started taking a pinch of snuff and then I would sleep through the night, and before that I always had to get out of bed to smoke as soon as I woke up, but when I started taking a pinch of snuff the need for a morning cigarette went away and I could lie in bed and relax without needing to get up to smoke, I say, and there’s a pause and I take off my shoulderbag too and put in down on the chair next to me and I look around at the other people in The Alehouse, sitting with their beer and tobacco in front of them like a fragile line of defence against the world, clinging to their cigarettes, their pints, as they sit there, and the sea inside them is large, whether stormy or calm, as they sit there and wait for the next and last crossing they’ll set out on, the one that will never end, that they’ll never come back from, and they don’t feel fear, it’ll be how it is and how it has to be, it must have a meaning, yes, Our Lord must have given it meaning, they think, he writes straight on crooked lines, they think, or anyway the good Lord is part of it all somehow, and it’s the devil who made the lines crooked, they think and they hold onto their cigarettes and pints and then they pray a silent prayer, a prayer more like a look out over the sea inside them, wordless, but as far as the eye can reach over that sea the prayer extends, entirely wordless, because the words will be left behind, definitely, but there must be a port for people like them too, they’re probably thinking, and then they feel a prick of something like fear so they raise their pint and have a taste of beer, the good old taste, it gives them a sense of security, I think and I see Asle raise his pint and take a gulp of beer
Delicious, he says
and I raise my mug of coffee and milk and clink his pint with it
Cheers, I say
Yes, cheers, he says
You’re allowed
to toast with this too, I say
Now we’ll have some more to drink and then we’ll take a taxi to The Clinic, I say
No, Asle says
and there’s silence
You should just drive me home like you said, he says
and I think that whatever happens I can’t leave him, because he’s not well, just think if I hadn’t driven back to Bjørgvin tonight, if I’d let myself think that I was too tired to drive, that a tired driver is a dangerous driver, if I hadn’t made myself drive back to Bjørgvin or had been afraid to, I think and I don’t understand why it felt so important that I do it, I think
That would be best, Asle says
