He put his hands up. “Wait. This is coming out all wrong. I agree you've been amazing with the boys. You went back to school and kept our home and you're right. I was a bastard.”
I nodded curtly in agreement.
He rubbed his hands together. “Can we agree our divorce wasn't good for anyone?”
“You sure thought it was good for you.”
He looked away. “I was an idiot.”
I leaned against the door. “I feel like this is a waste of time. You wouldn’t be apologizing if Trudy hadn’t dumped you. You haven’t apologized before.”
John was caught off guard. “How do you know Trudy left?”
I pushed off from the door. “Every psychological study on relationships started by affairs told me. You had a twenty-five percent chance of making it and those aren’t good odds for two narcissists.”
“Did Trudy tell you?”
“When have I ever willingly spoken to Trudy?”
“I told the boys not to say anything.”
“Great. Encourage them to have secrets from their mother.” I put my hand on the door knob. “Can I go now?”
He grabbed my arm. “You’re right that Trudy leaving me has made me think. Now I know what's it’s like, and I can't believe I did this to you. I had no idea.”
“That’s because you're an idiot.”
Leaning back, he half shrugged. I began to realize where Paul got it from. “I can’t argue with that. But I want to make amends.”
“How in the world could anything you ever do make any of this right?”
He looked at my ring. “I’m the only one who can give the boys their father. James will have a sense of family with me that he won't get with anyone else. You and I are the boys’ parents. Only us. Together we could give the boys what they’ve been lacking.”
I wanted to punch him. I wanted to punch him more than I’ve ever wanted to punch anyone in my life, including him. I didn’t wish him dead anymore, but I still wouldn’t rush to his aid if I saw him bleeding.
“You didn’t care about what they were lacking seven years ago. You didn’t care what they were lacking six weeks ago. You wanted Trudy at every meeting or event that was about our boys because you insisted she was a parent too. How about that? Is she still going to come to the parent teacher conferences? Will she be bringing her new lover as well?” I smacked his arm with the back of my hand. “You only care now because you’re alone.”
He glanced away. He rung his hands a few times and then faced me. “You’re right. I was a jerk. I did everything wrong. I know that. I made so many mistakes. It still doesn’t change the fact I’m their father.”
“You tried to make Trudy their mother. Don’t think I didn’t hear you calling her ‘Mom’ these last seven years.”
“What will the boys call Simon?”
“Simon. That’s his name, and he has respect for boundaries. He knows you’re their father. He’s a better person than you.”
“You may be right. I’ve wasted too much time with Trudy. I want to spend more time with the boys,” he paused. “I’ve been too lax with our parenting plan. Our boys need me. I want to see more of them. They need a sense of family. I’m willing to go to court for it.”
“What do you mean?”
John turned his face, so he wasn't looking directly at me. “I can be with them more by being a family with you again or…” He shrugged.
I couldn’t take anymore of this. There had been so many nights I’d cried myself to sleep because I’d missed that feeling of “family.” Now that I finally had that feeling back with Simon, John was trying to take it again.
“You must really hate me,” I said. “I didn’t know people could be as cruel as you are.” I opened my front door. “I’m going inside and I’m going to spend time with my family. You can wait out here until James is ready. Or you can do everyone a favor and just go straight to Hell.”
I left him on the porch.
6
I walked back to the kitchen. Simon was slicing the cake. He looked at me questioningly. I shook my head quickly to let him know I couldn’t talk now. He watched me walk to the boys.
I plastered on a smile. “Where’s my piece of cake?”
James got up and brought me a slice. I sat at the table and he sat down next to me. “Where did Dad go?”
“He’s going to stay outside until you’re ready. He’s on a diet and doesn’t want to be tempted with chocolate cake.”
James took this as a reasonable answer and went back to finishing his slice.
“Is it okay if you do your homework with your Dad tonight?”
“He's not as good as you and Simon.” He took another bite. “Usually Trudy helped, but now it’s just Dad.”
I rubbed his head. “I think it will be okay for tonight.”
He took another bite.
“Is your homework in your backpack?” I asked him.
He nodded between mouthfuls.
“And you have your clothes for tomorrow?”
“If I hide it, can I bring a piece of cake to Dad’s?” he asked with his mouth full. “I promise not to tease him with it. He won’t know I have it.”
I looked at his mouth covered in chocolate. His shirt had chocolate on it too. “What if we keep a piece for you to eat tomorrow?”
Simon took down a small plastic container and cut a large piece of cake. “This will be yours.” He put the lid on the container and wrote ‘James’ on the lid in marker. “Now you don't have to hide anything, and you'll have something to look forward to during school.”
James smiled at Simon and got down from his chair. “Thanks, Simon. You’re the best.” He ran out of the room.
“Your backpack is in your room.”
“Is Dad really outside?” Tyler asked as he got up. He put his dishes in the sink. “I should probably go say hi now.” He walked toward the front door.
Simon came over and sat beside me. “What happened?”
“I’ll tell you once James has left,” I said.
“That bad?”
“I want John to be gone too when I tell you.”
Simon looked at the front door. “So I don’t kill him?”
I got up and gathered the plates from the table. “Something like that.”
Simon stared at the door. “I wouldn’t mind punching him.”
“I wouldn’t either.”
Simon glanced at me. “Let me know if you ever need me to hold him down.”
“Don’t tempt me.”
James came running back in with his backpack and a sweatshirt in his hands.
“Grab your coat, just in case, please.” I pointed back to his room.
He rolled his eyes at me and ran back to his room. He stood in front of me when he came back. “Can I go now?”
I should have gotten after him for his tone, but his attitude when he visited his dad could be tricky. I’d yell tomorrow. I nodded, and he ran to the door.
“Bye, Mom. Bye, Simon,” he yelled as he opened it. “Love you.”
“I love you too, and don’t forget to do your homework,” I shouted as John stepped in. I stayed in the kitchen. “What now?”
He actually had the nerve to smile at me. “I was wondering if Tyler wanted to come over tonight as well.”
I stared at him for a full minute. Simon stood on the other side of the counter also staring at him. Out of the corner of my eye I could see his hands clenching and unclenching. It made me smile. I tilted my head to look at John in a new angle and to keep his words about being a family out of my head.
“Tyler?” I hollered.
Tyler poked his head in from outside.
I lifted my head at John. If he wanted Tyler to come over, he could ask him himself.
“Your mom and I were wondering if you wanted to come to my place for a few hours tonight,” he said. Then he smiled at me as if to include me. Simon’s hands stayed clenched.
Tyler peeked over at me. “You want me to go to Dad’s
?” He sounded confused.
I sighed. Simon looked at me and read my mind. He shook his head at me and turned to Tyler. “I think your dad is using the royal ‘we.’”
I grinned at him. I wished we were back in the field with the magical waiter and violin player.
Tyler appeared confused but nodded anyway. “I have a lot of homework tonight, Dad. And I was going to work on a project due next week. Can we plan a different day?” He asked, walking back inside.
I glowered at John and waited for him to answer his son. John’s eyes flitted between Tyler, Simon and me. His body tensed. I pick James up next week on Tuesday.”
Tyler nodded and grabbed the handrail to downstairs. “I could make that work.”
“I could pick you up from track,” John said.
Tyler paused. “I’d still have to come here and pick up my stuff and you’d have to meet Mom to pick up James. Why don’t you just come here?”
“You and I could talk on the ride here,” John said. He faced Tyler but looked over at me. I knew he wanted me to encourage Tyler to go with him. But if he wanted me to help him with his sons, he shouldn’t have threatened to fight me for them. I folded my arms and leaned forward against the counter. Maybe I could bring my three kids with me to the magical field with the waiter and violinist.
Tyler took a step down. “Maybe we could talk about this Monday or something.”
John glared at me. I smiled, showing teeth, back at him. I wasn’t going to tell my sixteen-year-old son what to do.
“Just meet me here, Dad. That way I can concentrate on running during practice and come home and get stuff ready to hang out.”
“It wouldn’t be hard for me to pick you up.”
“Maybe.” Tyler took another step down then turned back. “How will I get home after your place?”
“My place is also your home, Tyler.” John looked at me again. I could feel him thinking: “See? This is what I’m talking about. We should be together as a family.”
“Uh-huh,” Tyler said.
“I can pick you up,” Simon said. I squealed with delight inside. I knew he said this just to tick off John. It was like he was punching him but with his words instead of his still clenched hands. His forearms were going to be really sore tomorrow if he kept that up.
“I’ll bring him back,” John said. “It’s not a big deal.”
Tyler nodded and quickly headed downstairs as James came back inside. “I’m tired of waiting in the car, Dad. Let’s go play Xbox.”
John smiled at him and patted his head. “Okay James.” He looked up at me and said, “Think about it. This isn't right. None of this is right.” He grabbed James' hand and walked out the door.
I exhaled slowly. Simon walked around to me, hugged me and asked, “Okay. What the hell was that?”
I leaned into him and rested my head on his shoulder. I could still smell a hint of his Cool Water cologne. “He wants to spend more time with the boys. By being a family again or fighting me for them.” I closed my eyes. “I guess it’s my choice.”
Simon grabbed my shoulders and pushed me back so fast I stumbled. “He what?”
I shook my head. “I’m so done for the day. Between the cheese platters and John being a maggot-eater, I am so tired, Simon. We got no sleep last night,” I said, smiling, “and this reunion is doing me in. I’m starting to like Rebecca, so despite my best efforts, I’m becoming invested in this stupid reunion.”
“What did you say to him?”
“I told him to go to hell.”
He looked back at the door. “I should’ve punched him.”
I grabbed his arm. “Please. He would tell anyone who would listen that we are destroying his family, and I would be okay if I was never the topic of gossip ever again.”
Simon took his arm out of my hands and turned me to face him again. “Tell me you aren’t believing anything he’s telling you.”
“Of course not.”
“Grace, I know you. You let him bug you too easily.” He put his hand on my chin and looked me in the eyes. “You have done an amazing job with your sons. You’re not negative around them, and I’ve seen you encourage all of your boys to spend time with John. When you see him, you bring them over to him.”
“Not Paul.”
“Okay. Not Paul. But Paul is seventeen, and you can’t really pick him up and take him where you want. He gets to make his own choices now. You’ve taught him well, and now it’s time for him to figure out his own life.”
I squinted at him. “I hate watching my kids go through hard things.”
He pulled me into his arms. “You’ve done a great job and you and your sons have been a family. John chose to leave. He made that choice. He’s never liked the consequences of that choice, and he’s blamed you.”
I nodded with my head crushed into his chest. I exhaled deeply and just let myself completely relax.
“I’ve got you, Grace.”
I nodded again and let a couple of tears fall. I let him hug me and told myself that just because John left, it didn’t mean Simon would. I knew Simon and John were polar opposites, and Simon wouldn’t give up on us without a fight. But a little part of me, a tiny little part, wondered if it was me. Maybe it wasn’t about John or Simon at all. Maybe it was about whether men could stay with me. I hate confidence issues. There should be an age when we never doubt ourselves ever again. I decided making out with Simon would be more fun than thinking about whether it was him or me. I pulled back and looked Simon in the eyes. I slowly looked down at his lips and then back at his eyes. He smirked at me, then leaned down and kissed me.
7
My phone rang at five in the morning. I opened one eye and looked at it. Rebecca was calling me. Simon rolled over and put his arm across my stomach as I answered it.
“Mm-hmm.”
“I forgot salad,” Rebecca wailed. I held the phone away from my ear. Simon opened his eyes and looked at it.
“Did someone die?” he asked.
“I hope so,” I whispered to him, “Rebecca, I think it’s okay. No one eats salad this early.”
“No. No. No.” I thought I could hear her hyperventilating. “Everyone is coming, and I forgot to get any salad. I have sandwiches and some desserts and nothing else. There has to be something else. Didn’t we plan salad?”
I yawned loudly into the phone. “I feel like there’s nothing that can be done at whatever time it is.”
“I know. I know. I should’ve waited and called later but I wasn’t sure when your kids got up or when you went to school, and I didn’t want to disturb you during class, but do you think I can find a place that will make a salad for a couple hundred people by tomorrow?”
She started to cry.
I sat up and tried to adjust my eyes to the darkness. “Is this really about salad? Because we can go buy all the lettuce and tomatoes we’ll need at Costco and force the track and field team to put it together for us after practice. Why are you crying?”
She sniffed. “I want this to go well,” she whispered.
This was not going to be a quick conversation. I shifted the phone above my mouth and leaned over to Simon. “She’s crying.”
“About salad?” He kept his eyes closed and his face half in the pillow. His blond hair was messed up and I wanted to hang up and play with his hair. Or grab him, tilt his head back and ravage him. I could smell my own breath, so I decided to console Rebecca instead. She wouldn’t notice my breath.
“I don’t think it is,” I whispered. “I mean, she probably did forget the salad, but she's been semi-calm about everything else.”
“Even the cheese?” he asked.
I smiled. “Do you want me to leave so you can sleep forty more minutes?”
He tightened his hand around my waist and pulled me closer. “I can just ignore you.” He put his head between my neck and his pillow. I took my left hand and combed his hair gently with my fingers.
Rebecca had already started talking while I was conver
sing with Simon. I focused on her words now.
“…and I have no idea what I'm going to say when people ask.”
I closed my eyes. “I’m sorry. I'm still trying to wake up. When people ask you what?”
“What I’m doing with my life.”
This was so not going to be a short conversation.
“I was hoping if I put together an amazing reunion, then no one would wonder how my life is.”
“If you could throw a successful reunion then the rest of your life must be perfect?”
“Yep.”
I smiled to myself and kept playing with Simon’s hair. It really wasn’t fair he had thicker hair than me. “Would it make you feel better if I told you that it won’t matter if the reunion goes well? People are still going to ask what you’re up to because they want to make sure their lives are better than yours.”
“Really?”
“That’s what high school reunions are all about.”
“Did you go to yours?”
I shook my head even though she couldn't see me. "I thought about it, but when the kids were young it was hard. And then when they were older, I was getting a divorce. Maybe I’ll go to the next one. I’m just not sure I care what people I haven’t seen for over fifteen years are doing. And it seems redundant now that we have Facebook.”
“Our class has a Facebook group. I set it up so I could get a count for Mayflower Plantation and for the dinner. Maybe I should’ve held a Facebook reunion and just called it a day.”
“Aren't you starting a Master’s?” I was pretty sure I'd heard that or read it in her email. My guilt from not paying better attention to her returned.
She sniffed again. “I am.”
“That's exciting,” I said.
“I’m not sure it’s the right thing to do.”
“Why?” I looked down and pulled at a knot in Simon's hair. He pinched me. I hit his hand, then felt even guiltier I wasn't giving Rebecca my full attention. She was having a dilemma of conscience and I was acting like a newly engaged idiot. I leaned back and closed my eyes again.
“My boyfriend started talking about marriage.”
“Aw.”
Better Off Divorced Page 5
