by Lindsay Becs
I swipe at the tear that escaped. “Then I can’t stay here. I need to go home.”
“No, that will upset him, too.”
I let out a breath. “I can’t stay here, being with him, and not tell him. Either I stay and he knows, or I leave and he doesn’t. Pick one,” I say with a raised brow and clenched jaw.
“I’ll send your flight information to your room in an hour,” he tells me. I want to hate him for this, but I can’t. We both want the same thing: for Benton to win.
I nod in understanding and step out. I reach my room, and the door closes behind me before the tears fall freely down my face. They continue to fall as I see those two pink lines show in less than thirty seconds. And when I think they’ll finally stop, I get my flight information confirming that I’m leaving. Leaving my job. Leaving the father of my child. Leaving the man I promised I wouldn’t leave until he won.
I didn’t think I’d have to break that promise. Turns out I was wrong.
Chapter 12
Benton
I’ve looked everywhere for Tatum today and haven’t seen her anywhere. I know she keeps getting sick from all the food I make her try, but she usually sends me a text to let me know if she’s staying in. Now that we’re in the Asian countries her stomach started to let up on her, but she still has days when it gets to her.
I finish up training for the day and knock on her door, but when she doesn’t answer I start to get worried. Something seems off. I dial my dad to see if by chance he knows what’s going on. The phone starts ringing as I reach my room. Something on the bed catches my eye: a piece of paper torn from her journal.
A pretty page from the book of notes and letters she’s written to her mom. I only know because the first time I wrote in it, I read the last one she’d written about how excited she was to have this job. I never asked her about it, though, and she never offered to share. It’s an unspoken thing between us. She never leaves without it, and it’s always close to where to she is.
I hear my dad answer when I drop the phone and begin to read what she wrote. I don’t read it all; I just see words like sorry and leaving and done. I pick the phone back up before my dad hangs up. “What did you do?” I seethe into the phone.
“Benton, what are you talking about?”
“Tatum. She left. She had to have had help. What did you do?”
“She was sick, and she wanted to leave. I helped her go. I’m sorry if she didn’t say goodbye, but there will be other girls—”
“No” I cut him off. “No! There will not be other girls. She was the girl. What aren’t you telling me? She wouldn’t leave this far into the season if she didn’t have to.”
“I’m not lying, son. She was sick and wanted to go home. I helped get her a ticket. She left last night.”
“Fuck!” I throw my phone so hard it breaks the lamp it hit into a hundred pieces. I run my hands through my hair and then down my face, frustrated that she didn’t come to me. Was this all a joke to her? I pick up my phone and manage to call her through my shattered screen, but it goes to voicemail. Over and over again. I leave her message after message, text after text. I need to know that she’s alright. She can tell me to go to hell if I messed up, but I need to know she’s OK.
I pace my room, racking my brain trying to figure out what could have happened. We didn’t fight, I haven’t cheated or given any other girl a glance, she hasn’t been with anyone else—at least that I’m aware of. Things have been good. Shit, they’ve been better than great. I don’t understand why she’d leave like this. What the hell, Sugar?
I’m in fucking Japan, and I race in five days. I just got to remove all my bandages last week. As long as I make the podium these last four races, I’ll win the entire thing. But all I want is to fly to Graves, Illinois and check in on my girl. Is she my girl? I thought she was.
I let out a frustrated yell and throw myself back on my bed. The bed where I made love to her just two days ago.
Fuck it. I open my laptop and buy a ticket to leave tonight. I throw a few clothes into a backpack and call the front desk for a car to take me to the airport. Three hours later, I almost missed my flight, but I’m on the first plane of four that are going to take me to her. I just need to see that she’s alright.
Thirty-six hours later, I’m rolling through Graves in a rental car. I found the garage, Pretty Girl Garage, she told me her stepdad owns and where she works when she’s home. I pull up and see that they are nearing the end of their day. A little red-headed girl runs out the entrance with a big smile and glittering blue eyes. I know she has to be Penny. Tatum had shown me pictures, but it’s not the same as seeing her in person.
Stepping out of the car, I smile at the little girl. She stops and looks up at me with wide eyes. “Did you know you have holes in your ears?” she asks. Not what I was expecting, but I can work with that.
Bending down to be on her level, I smile at her again. “I did know. I grew them myself.”
“You can grow holes that big?!” She sticks her finger through one.
“Well, I had to slowly stretch it. It started as a regular piercing. Do you have your ears pierced?” She shakes her head. “It was like that, and then I got bigger and bigger earrings until it got to this point. I find them quite fun, yeah?”
“Can I tie a ribbon through it? Wait! You talk funny,” she says with a hand on her hip and her head tilted to the right, reminding me of her older sister.
Her question and accusation make me laugh. “I grew up in England; this is my English accent,” I tell her. “And I’ll let you tie ribbons to my ears only if you can tell me where your sister is. I’m here looking for Tatum. I’m a friend of hers.”
Before she can answer me, a man walks outside. I look over at his stern expression and stand to meet him. “Dad, he’s a friend of Tates, and he has holes in his ears!” Penny tells him with excitement. Wait, Dad? This guy looks too young to be Tatum’s stepdad. Although, I never saw his picture.
“Are you Travis?” I cautiously ask.
“Yeah. And who the hell are you?” he asks me.
“Dad! You owe me a dollar when we get home,” Penny says.
“I’m sorry, let me start again. I’m Benton King. Tatum has been working with our team this season. She and I have been dating. Sort of.” I furrow my brow. “She left without saying anything and had been sick. I came to make sure she was alright. She wouldn’t answer any of my calls. I’m worried is all.”
Travis studies me for a minute, and Penny matches her dad’s standoffish stance this time. “I didn’t know she’d been sick, but she isn’t here. As far as I knew, she was with you,” he says flippantly.
“Tatum is sick?” Penny asks with concern. “Is she going to leave like Momma?” Her little voice turns panicked.
“Shit,” I hear Travis mutter before turning toward his daughter. “Let me call her. I’m sure she’s fine, LP.” He pulls out his cell and calls. His eyes find mine for a second when he speaks again. “Hey, Tate.” He turns away from me, and I don’t hear what he says after.
“I’m sorry, Penny. I didn’t mean to upset you. I only wanted to make sure your sister was alright. She means a great deal to me.” I smile at her. “In fact, she’s my favorite person.”
“She’s the best.” She smiles back.
“That she is. I promised her I would take care of her and never hurt her. I want to make sure I’m keeping my promises.”
“You should only make a promise if you know you can’t break it,” Penny tells me, just like her sister had.
“Tatum is fine,” Travis says, interrupting my moment with Penny.
“Where is she?” I ask.
“Safe,” is all he offers.
“I need to see her. Please?” I plead.
“She said she needs some space, but to tell you she’s alright and that she’ll be watching you win,” he offers.
“I suppose that will have to be enough then, yeah?” I mumble on a frustrated sigh. I could stay, tr
ack her down, yell at her for leaving. But none of it would do any good. When Tatum builds walls, they are reinforced with steel. And I unfortunately don’t have the time I need to convince her that it’s time to open the gate and let this King storm her castle.
He gives me a curt nod. “I’m sorry.”
Turning around, I head back to my car. “Can you tell her something for me?” I ask as I turn back to face him. “Can you tell her that I will win, for her? Then, afterward, I’m coming back for her. That is a promise.”
I climb into the car, but not before I hear Penny. “I like him, Daddy.”
Now, I just need your sister to feel the same way, Pen.
As pissed as I was about Tatum leaving, I had to get back and I had to keep my mind in the race. The IMR was nearing the end, and I was so close to victory I could taste it. Although, now, it had a slightly bitter taste without my Sugar beside me.
I still didn’t have answers or understand her quick departure, but I knew if she wanted space, I needed to respect that. It still pissed me right off, though. None of it made sense. Things were good, and as much as I search my mind, I can’t come up with any reason for her to leave the way she did. Alone, early, no goodbye. It just did not make any sense.
I would do what I promised her, though. I was going to win, and then I was coming for her and I would get my answers. She couldn’t hide forever, and she would help me understand all of it.
Over the next eight weeks, I did exactly what I sought out to do. I fucking won. I won the IMR. It was close, but I did it. And in that moment that should have been filled with excitement and joy, it was dimmed by the fact that Tatum wasn’t there. I couldn’t pull her into a dark corner and kiss her lips in victory. I couldn’t stare into her heated blue eyes and see how proud she was of me. I couldn’t have her beside me as I took the top podium before the world as the champion. It didn’t feel right. Because she was missing.
“Congratulations, son! You did it!” my father says when I get back to the bay from the podium.
“Yeah, thanks.”
“Why don’t you seem happy?”
“I need to leave. I’m taking a break. I’ll talk to you in a couple weeks, yeah?”
“What are you talking about? We have to get back and start again with the new model for next year,” he says, talking about the new bike for the next race season.
“No. I'm bringing back the old model.” I smile at him.
He huffs a laugh, shaking his head. “Keep your head on, Benton. Is it really worth losing all of this to follow a girl?”
“When it’s the right one, yes,” I tell him, meeting his disapproving eyes. “I’ll talk to you later.” I push past him and everyone else.
It takes what seems like an eternity to get back to my hotel room. I tried not to brush everyone off, but I was over the congratulations when all I wanted was to get to my girl and hold her and talk to her. Find out what went wrong and fix it. After a quick shower, I pack my things and head to the airport.
“I’m coming for you, Sugar,” I whisper looking out the window once I boarded the plane.
Chapter 13
Tatum
Since peeing on that stick, I have cried more than I have in my entire life. In fact, I can’t seem to stop crying. It’s ridiculous, really. Who cries this much?
Once I flew back home, I went to Bexley, my brother’s fiancée, first. I knew this was going to devastate Ollie, and I didn’t know how to do any of it now that I was here and had no choice but to keep going forward. Ollie was mad a first, but Bex helped calm him, and me, as we talked about what I needed. The next day, they took me to the hospital where they both work, Highrise Hospital, and I saw an ob-gyn, who not only confirmed I was pregnant, but also that I was four months along.
After the shock of that sunk in, I made a plan. Except before I could put my plan into action, I got a call from Travis telling me that a scary looking guy was at Pretty Girl asking for me and Penny wanted to tie ribbons on him. That visual made me let out a sudden laugh, but then I couldn’t believe that Benton had flown all the way here when he was so close to winning the IMR and had a race in a few days. I also knew I had to stick to what I agreed upon with Matthew and I couldn’t tell Benton, which meant I couldn’t talk to him. If I did, I was sure to break down and spill everything.
Benton left, giving Travis a message for me. “He said, ‘Tell her that I’ll win for her. Then he said he’d come back for you and that was a promise.’ It kind of seems a little bit creepy, Tates.” That was Travis’s take on it when he called me back a little later. I assured him that Benton may look rough and tough, but he was a softy, really.
Then, I asked if he would mind me staying with him and Penny and getting my old job back at Pretty Girl Garage. He, of course, said he’d be happy to have me at both. I packed up from Ollie and Bex’s place and drove down to Graves.
Travis took one look at me, opened his arms, and I ran into them crying. I wasn’t sure if Ollie or Bex had told him everything, but he didn’t say a word. He let me get my tears out and tell him on my own that I was scared and pregnant. Travis may be young to be considered my dad, but he’s been more of a dad to me than my own.
Though it’s different, Travis still understands what it’s like to be a parent at a young age. He was twenty-three when Penny was born, and three years later, Mom was gone and he was left to raise a spunky, red-headed little girl. Penny has always been sunshine behind the clouds and the glue that keeps us all together. Now I understand so much more of what he means every time he says that she’s his whole life.
That first flutter I felt, even before I knew I was growing a life, seeing that first ultrasound, the life that Benton and I made together, I knew this little human I was growing was the only important and real thing in my life now. Nothing else mattered. Not my feelings for Benton. Not his race standings. Not if he ever talked to me again once he found out what I kept from him. Nothing mattered but taking care of this little life that was precious and cherished and loved.
I am so scared and don’t have any idea what the next weeks, months, or years will hold; but I do know that in five months, I’ll be a mom. I promise I will care for and love this baby with everything it deserves.
It’s been a month since I left Benton in Japan and came back home. I’ve watched his races, and he’s made the podium in both. He smiles, but the fire in his eyes has dimmed. I can’t help but wonder if it's because of me. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I had to do what was right for both of us at that moment. I hope one day he’ll forgive me.
I’m lying on my back on my bed, my hands resting over my growing belly as the baby kicks up a storm. I’m listening to interviews Benton did after the last race. His voice soothes me, like a balm on a burn. I think the baby likes it, too.
I decided not to find out the sex of the baby. I want it to be a surprise, and maybe one for both of us to have together if Benton wants to be there. I’m still not sure how he’ll react to the news or the fact that I didn’t tell him right away. I try not to think about it.
I need my mom; I wish she were here. She’d know exactly what to do, what’s right for all of us. The more time goes on, the more I feel like I just keep making a bigger mess of things. I pull down my box of letters, the one she left me filled with handwritten notes for each and every big life event she could think of and then some. We each got one when she died: Travis, Ollie, Penny and me. After her cancer came back and took the best person in the world from me. From us.
I sniff back the tears threatening to fall. Emotions. I’m still not used to having so many all. The. Damn. Time. I thumb through the envelopes until I find the one I’m looking for. I’ve avoided reading it, afraid that she’s disappointed in me from where she sits in heaven. You’re going to be a Mommy! I pull it out of the box, wiping my wet eyes on my shoulders as I open it.
* * *
Tatum!
Oh, my sweet girl, I’m so excited to write this letter (and maybe a lot mad I ca
n’t be there too!) You are going to be a mom! Wait. No. You already are one. If you have already peed on a stick and waited those excruciating minutes until you got the results for them to change your entire life, you are already a mother. That is a fact no one can take from you, ever. No one will feel that life growing inside you like you do. No one will love that precious life the way you do.
I remember with Ollie, I was so petrified. I was only fifteen and thought my parents were going to kill me, or your dad. I was shaking so badly, I peed all over my hand in the process of trying to take the test. Funny now, but at the time I felt so alone and scared.
Then, nine years later, with you, I was scared for a different reason. I had already had three miscarriages and was afraid to tell anyone I was having a baby for fear I’d have to tell them that I’d lost another child. Something about the moment when I found out I was having you told me you were a fighter, and I knew we’d do this together. You and me. And we did.
With Penny, everything was so different. After chemo, I didn’t know if I’d even be able to have another baby. She was a miracle. I was thirty-seven, married to the right man this time, had beaten cancer, and felt on top of the world. I should have been the most scared with her, but I never was. Everything felt right.
I want that for you, Tatum. I hope that everything feels right. I hope that whoever the father of this baby is loves you and this child wholly. I hope that he makes you both the center of his universe. You are his queen, after all, carrying his little prince or princess.
Enjoy every movement, every stretch mark, every cramp, craving, and bout of nausea. Enjoy it all because it will be over quicker than you expect.
I still can’t believe you’re making me a grandma. You’re the first, right? Ollie is still far off from fatherhood, I’m guessing.
I love you, sweet girl. Kiss all those baby toes for me when that little miracle joins the world.
