Sarah Before

by Craig Shepherd

  It was clear her persistence and desire to get better had actually been stopping her from seeing this situation for what it really was. Dire. In order to continue making progress with exposure therapy, she hadn’t spent time dwelling on the things that worried her. She’d forced herself to put a positive spin on things just to get out the door, and that had meant ignoring the clear and obvious threat to her personal safety. She lowered her head and stared blankly at Jane’s hand on hers. The skin wasn’t stretching and whitening her knuckles like her own, and she envied the way her friend could still remain relatively calm.

  All of a sudden, as though she had been walking through a thick forest and had just pulled aside the last of the branches to reveal a long stretch of white sand in the foreground of a sparkling, green-blue ocean, Sarah could see everything with clarity. She too could remain calm. Twelve months ago, she would have been on the floor, tearing at the carpet and trying to stop herself from throwing up. Trying to mentally dig herself away from whatever distressed her. Perhaps it was Jane.

  Maybe having a friend who cared, a friend who wanted to help. Could that have been the difference? She couldn’t put it down to anything else, but for once her mind refused to place any value on panic. It was possible the panic response was still there somewhere, waiting to be triggered, but for now, all she wanted was solutions and rationality, not anxiety and paranoia. Looking up at Jane, her mouth started to stretch into a smile across her face, her eyes brightening with a forgotten clarity.

  The feeling was almost euphoric, and she could only liken it to the how a severely sight impaired person must be when they recover from eye surgery and remove the bandages for the first time. The bright flashes of color and the sharpness of the world’s outlines. There was no anxiety blurring her thoughts, and more to the point, there wasn’t even many thoughts. Not the usual scrambled, mess of concerns and worries darting around with scattered disarray.

  “You’re right,” Sarah said through the smile.

  Jane seemed more confused than concerned. She had just warned Sarah she could be in danger, so to see and hear her speaking with an almost insane grin peeled across her face was the last thing she expected. Sarah picked up on it straight away.

  “No, no. I don’t mean you’re right about me getting hurt. Well, you are, but that’s not why I’m smiling,” Sarah spoke with a sureness she hadn’t heard in her own voice for a long time. Momentarily, the thought floated through her mind that she might be cured. Her anxiety disorder gone. Panic attacks gone. Agoraphobia gone. The thought didn’t stay too long. The renewed sense of clarity also had the negative effect of banishing such far-fetched ideas quickly and returning her to reality. “I’m smiling because I feel…better. Things just seem, I don’t know, clearer.”

  “You do realize how serious this could be, don’t you?” Jane, still sounding older than her years.

  “I do. Thanks to you, Jane. You know, since I’ve been suffering all these issues with the anxiety and the panic, it’s just become natural for me to hide. I’ve hidden my fears, my feelings. I’ve tried to push everything to the back of my mind and just get on with things. But it hasn’t helped at all. Christ, I’ve been hiding from the world. Hiding from life!” Sarah was becoming animated as she spoke, rather than sounding morose about the predicament she found herself in. “But you are a hundred percent right. This is serious, and I don’t want to hide anymore. For the first time in ten years, I don’t want to run away, and it feels amazing.”

  Jane looked at her, surprised, but there was still concern written across her face like a neon sign at midnight on a deserted street. She didn’t say anything in reply. Sarah settled both her own hands over Jane’s.

  “I know this sounds crazy. I should be terrified right now, and trust me, I am. But something just became clear. It’s like a switch just flicked in my head, telling me I can handle this. Do you know how long it’s been since I could see a path ahead of me that isn’t overgrown with worries and fear?” she paused briefly to catch her breath. She did feel invigorated, somehow, which was surprising considering the catch twenty-two that was laid out in front of her. “Will you help me Jane? I don’t want to put you at any risk, and I know I must sound like I’ve just walked out of an insane asylum, but one way or another I need to work out exactly what is going on here.”

  She knew Jane’s mind must be like a twisted labyrinth right now, but she was also filled with hope as Jane’s mouth also began to form into a smile. It was a nervous smile, but a smile all the same, and she was fine with that.

  “Of course I’ll help, Sarah. I have absolutely no idea where to start, but of course I’ll help you. There has to be something we can do, but I just don’t know what.”

  Sarah gripped Jane’s hand harder now, in reassurance she was making the right decision by sticking with her. Unsure if she believed that herself, she did know how necessary her friend was right now.

  A picture started forming in her mind. A lake. Andrews Lake, maybe? She couldn’t be sure, because everything in the distance was blurred, as though she didn’t need to see anything except what was right in front of her. She was looking at her feet as they pressed into the soft sand. That part of the image was crystal clear, she could even make out the tiny grains of sand attached to the top of her foot. The slim line of shadow surrounding her feet, where they were slightly dug into the sand. A perfect, jet black outline against the bright white of the sand. Quickly, but in a fluid movement, a gentle wave rose along the sand in front of her, gradually engulfing the tops of her feet and continuing around the back of her heel. As the water soaked the sand, her feet sank a fraction further. In a matter of seconds, the water pulled away from her feet again, leaving the sand around her a slightly darker shade of white, and the shadowy outline of her feet was now wider, denser.

  She didn’t know why the image had formed in her mind, nor what it was telling her, but the crispness of the vision fortified the belief that everything around her was clearer now, metaphorically.

  “There has to be something we can do, but none of it makes any sense. It’s like some absurd form of psychological torture. There’s been no harm done to me, or even implied, come to think of it. It’s almost like all this person wants is for me to know they’re watching. That they know what I’m doing. But the way they know these things, it’s just not-” Sarah’s voice stopped. She considered letting the next word out of her mouth, but something was holding it back. She wanted to say it just wasn’t possible, but the line of communication between brain and mouth wouldn’t allow it. “It’s just not…normal, is it?” she continued. “I mean, let’s say they somehow got into this house when you and I went walking. Or even hacked into my email. That would explain how they knew about the article I was writing. I don’t even want to think about that, but we can probably agree it’s at least a possibility.”

  “I guess so, I mean, I’m no genius with computers but from what I understand, if someone wants your information bad enough, they’ll find a way to get it,” said Jane.

  “Yeah. So, I still have no idea why anyone would want my information, but you’re right. It seems plausible that it could happen, at least. But the one thing I just can’t wrap my head around is the PHONE sign, with your work uniform – and I’m almost certain that’s what it was – right before you called me. How on earth can that be rationalized? Unless we’re dealing with someone or something that can predict the future, and as far as I know, that sort of thing is strictly for the books and movies,” again, there was a moment as Sarah spoke where she instinctively changed track and left out a word she didn’t want to speak.

  Supernatural.

  Someone or something supernatural.

  She didn’t want to even think that, let alone verbalize it. Jane was on board for now, but if she started rambling about ghosts predicting the future, everything would be out the door, with Jane leading the way. She didn’t even believe it herself. Beings from the other side had never really entered Sarah’s thought p
rocess. Sure, she’d enjoyed her fair share of ghost stories and scary movies in her time, but never gave any credence to the actual existence of such things.

  It may have been a refusal to believe in things she didn’t understand, or it could have just been her dominant left-side of the brain always pushing her in the direction of logic rather than fantasy. In this instance, it was really only thanks to a quick process of elimination the idea even popped into her head. She had once read that after all of the logical, reasonable explanations for something had been disproven, the only thing left was the normally implausible. Still, she didn’t really give any weight to the idea, and she knew it had only grown from the lack of a logical conclusion.

  “I wish I could understand that too. I worry it has something to do with me,” Jane replied as her eyes stared directly into Sarah’s, giving away just a glimpse of fear. “Or it could just be something to do with the panic attack you had. Or your-“

  “My purse!” Sarah finished Jane’s sentence for her, and the excitement in her voice was clear. The kind of exclamation someone gets when they remember something they’d been trying to recall all day.

  “Yeah. It was returned, but that doesn’t mean someone didn’t get all of your information from it first,” said Jane.

  Sarah pondered the discovery and felt annoyed she hadn’t thought about it sooner. The fact that money was taken had probably thrown her off a bit, making her think someone just swiped the cash and left it where they found it, but now she realized there could have been more to it.

  “Do you remember who handed it in?” Sarah asked, still needing more answers before anything more could come of the purse revelation.

  “It was just one of the trolley guys, they found it near the trolley bay. It was Christian I think, but I doubt he would have anything to do with it. I know I shouldn’t say it, but most of the trolley guys at work aren’t the brightest,” Jane didn’t enjoy putting anybody down, but under the circumstances, she was being truthful rather than cruel.

  “The thing is, I didn’t go near any of the trolley bays that day. I know it. I stopped for a while right outside the front doors, and then I walked straight through the middle of the carpark towards Western Avenue. The trolley bays are all on the sides of the carpark, I remember that much. So it isn’t the trolley guys I’m worried about, it’s whoever took it from where I dropped it,” she spoke with certainty. Her memory wasn’t hazy like it tended to be at times, and her recollection of that morning felt precise, with no missing parts. “I remember it really clearly, but I just have no idea where I actually dropped it. I don’t know if it was inside the store, or…“ A look of deep thought took over her face. Jane remained silent while this thought process took place. When Sarah spoke again, the tone of her voice had lowered. Gone was the enthusiasm for solving the mystery of the purse, replaced by the inflection of a child who has just realized they may have unintentionally done the wrong thing. “What if I wasn’t imagining things before the panic attack?”

  “What do you mean?” Jane said, confused.

  “The thing that started making me anxious in the shop that day was a man. I saw him looking at me on two different occasions. The first time I was a little put off, but the second time I thought I saw his face change, and that’s when it all went downhill. Afterwards, I convinced myself I was being paranoid, but what if he actually was following me?” Sarah hated saying it out loud. That someone was following her. It was such a cliché for people with any kind of paranoid leanings. She knew too well that feelings of paranoia could surface in such a wide range of guises, and didn’t like to hear herself feeding the misconception. “When I was in there, I was so convinced he was watching me. Something wasn’t right about his eyes, Jane. I know it sounds like such a crazy thing to say, but his eyes seemed to follow me and then dart away when I looked over. There was guilt in those eyes.”

  Jane thought for a moment before speaking, choosing her words carefully so as not to cause offense. The last thing she wanted was for Sarah to feel judged or that she wasn’t making sense. “It could explain how someone got hold of your purse, since this guy was obviously there that day, but you said yourself you convinced yourself it was nothing. I’m not sure, it doesn’t really fit, does it? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying he wasn’t watching you, but I don’t know if it lines up. You said that every other time you saw this person, they wore a hood, or their face was obscured somehow right? It just doesn’t make sense for the person responsible to show themselves so easily.”

  She knew Jane was right, but the emotion got the better of her and she reacted. “But nothing about this makes sense! Why should that day be any different?” Sarah spoke angrily, but knew it was just a by-product of her frustration, not to mention her fear. She wasn’t really mad at Jane. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell. I’m just so confused by all of it.”

  “It’s fine, I can’t even imagine the stress this has you under. You really should have told me,” Jane scolded. Trying to steer Sarah away from the man in the grocery store, she suddenly had an idea, but spoke carefully so as not to raise Sarah’s anxiety level. “There might be one place we could start, but I don’t know if you would be up for this.”

  “I can’t think of anywhere to start, Jane. I’m only now realizing how exhausted I am with all of this. Tell me. At this point I’m willing to try anything,” her eyes began to droop, and her speech was slower. She was visibly worn down.

  “Well, we know where the apartment building is, don’t we? The building where all this weird shit has been happening on the balcony?” Jane’s questions were rhetorical in nature, and Sarah struggled to lift her eyes while listening. She was using every last bit of her energy to remain engaged in the conversation, but was determined to make some headway into the problem. “So, if we were to go on another walk around the streets, how would you feel about paying a visit to the apartment?”

  Sarah’s first thought was of the danger. She could easily work out which apartment in the building corresponded to the balcony that had become the source of so much trauma for her, but what was Jane expecting they would find? Bearing in mind whoever or whatever was tormenting her also seemed to know what was going to happen in Sarah’s life before it took place, wouldn’t they know she was coming?

  Even if the two of them managed to get there undetected, she couldn’t imagine they would like what they found. Frightening visions floated through her mind, visions of knocking on the apartment door to be greeted by some hideous creature lurking in the darkened doorway, the black, empty space beneath its hooded skull and the glint of light as the flickering hall lights bounced off a set of disjointed, crooked teeth in the blackened sinkhole that should have housed a normal face. Shaking the ghastly image from her mind, she realized Jane was staring at her, seeking a response.

  “You don’t think that could be dangerous?”

  “It’s definitely possible. But isn’t doing nothing going to be dangerous in the end? I don’t know how long these things are going to keep happening before it gets more serious.”

  Jane was right, and despite the fear filling every empty space in Sarah’s body like water being poured into a glass of rocks, she knew the idea was really all they had at this point. There were no leads, no clues, nothing else to follow. She couldn’t think of any reasons for what was going on, and none of it tied together in any logical sense. The apartment building was all she had to go on, and unless she wanted to sit idly by and wait for the attacks to turn physical, she had to meet this head on.

  “You’re right. Well, the building is on Selwood Avenue, it’s not far to go. All of a sudden walking around the block doesn’t feel too intimidating. It’s what we might find that worries me more,” Sarah tried to speak with enthusiasm, even with a touch of laughter, but it just came out as a muffled expulsion of air.

  “You need to rest now though Sarah, I’ll stay with you tonight and we’ll plan this out tomorrow morning, OK?” Jane’s reassurance had the intended ef
fect of brightening Sarah’s demeanor. As much as her emotional exhaustion would allow.

  Sarah turned to the clock and realized it had just gone eight o’clock. She could have sworn it was only a touch after six when Jane arrived with the pizza, and she was at a loss as to where those two hours had gone. Time seemed to be getting away from her lately, and she hoped she hadn’t dozed off in front of Jane for a period and been unaware of it.

  Without further discussion, Jane walked her to bed, saying she would sit up for a while and think about what to do tomorrow. With Sarah in a state of half-sleep before she even finished talking, Jane went back to the living room to process everything she had been told, but not before nerves got the better of her and she checked the front and back doors were locked.

  CHAPTER 16

  Sarah was already in the kitchen making coffee and toast when Jane appeared in the doorway, hair straggled and rubbing her eyes. It wasn’t a condition she had seen her in before, and the look of surprise she was trying to hide must have been breaking through.

  “I know, I know. You don’t think I just fall out of bed ready for a beauty pageant do you?” Jane said with a sleepy smile. “What time is it?”

  “It’s just after nine. I didn’t know how late you stayed up so I didn’t want to wake you,” normally a fairly early riser, Sarah too had slept a bit longer than normal and figured both her body and mind had needed it. “You don’t have to work today?” she asked.

  “No, not today. I try to get most Sundays off so I have one day I can always count on for myself,” Jane opened her eyes completely now, and brushed a mess of hair away from her face.

  Sarah felt a pang of guilt that Jane’s only day of rest would now be taken up with some kind of wild, potentially dangerous expedition to one of the less reputable buildings in the neighborhood. Despite that, a selfishness which made her feel secretly ashamed took over. She couldn’t do this alone, and was extremely grateful for Jane being by her side.