by Helly Acton
‘Well, well, well, whatever will they teach us next?’ chirps Jackie, climbing over the back of the sofa and sliding down the other side. ‘I do hope it’s needlework. Knowing how to darn a pair of suit socks would really add to my repertoire.’
‘Housemates. Please take a seat on the sofa.’
‘Ugh, this tune will be the death of me!’ Lauren moans when the music begins.
The screen cuts to Adam in his set chair.
‘So, three months ago,’ he says, ‘we conducted a survey of sorts in partnership with LAD to seek out the answer to one of life’s biggest questions. What do men want?’ He strokes his chin. ‘Well, here to tell us the answers and teach you girls the secret to holding down a man are LAD mag editor Danny Wells and Dr Howard Hicks!’
A cocky-looking twenty-something with a pencil moustache runs on stage. He races ahead of Dr Hicks and fist-bumps Adam before bouncing onto the sofa, chewing gum as he waves at the camera. Dr Hicks joins them a few seconds later.
‘All right, mate, how are you?’ Adam asks, laughing.
‘Yeah, really good, mate, really good. Wicked to be here – this is the only show that matters to anyone right now, I can tell you. All right, ladies? How are you all doing in there? Lovely stuff.’ He smiles and winks before turning to Dr Hicks, fist-bumping him and then mic-dropping. The whole exchange causes much confusion and awkwardness on camera.
‘Ah, Danny’s quite cute, isn’t he?’ says Gemma, playing with her hair.
‘Raise your ’ands if you’re gutted our girls aren’t in school uniforms, eh! Who’s with me?’ Danny shouts up at the audience, his arm in the air.
Gemma drops the piece of hair she’s been playing with and buries her hands in her lap. ‘Oh my God, he’s not cute, he’s a creep!’
‘You can blame Doctor Howard for that,’ Adam replies. ‘Spoilsport! So, Danny, tell the girls what you’re going to be doing with them today.’
‘OK, ladies, Adam, I’ll go back to the start. Three months ago, we tweeted a really simple but profound message to our followers. It said …’ He pauses for effect and draws a line in the air. ‘“The problem with women is …” And we just left it blank. The results have been awesome, Adam – thousands of blanks filled in. Tell you what, Jay-Z needs to rewrite that track.’
‘“Ninety-nine problems and a bitch is most of them”?’
‘Ha! Exactly, Adam, exactly.’
Amy hates that song. Jamie used to sing it to her all the time, thinking it was hilarious to switch ‘a bitch ain’t one’ to ‘a bitch is one’ while pointing at her across the dance floor.
Dr Hicks chimes in.
‘We spent six weeks analysing the responses, categorising them and ranking them in order of priority based on their emotional weight. Some responses felt deeper than others. A shallow response would be: “The problem with women is that they expect you to pay”. A deep response would be: “The problem with women is that they expect you to provide”.’
‘Er, maybe twenty years ago, mate,’ Jackie shouts, ‘when we couldn’t get jobs that paid us enough to be free.’
Adam nods vigorously. ‘Fascinating. And how are you going to use that information to help our girls?’
‘It’s simple,’ Danny replies. ‘We’re going to teach them what to do – and what not to do – when you’re in a relationship with a man and you want it to last. It’s not a test. It’s not a challenge. Well, I suppose the challenge is staying quiet for longer than five minutes – am I right, lads? Ha, just kidding, girls!’
‘Well, I don’t know – what about our Gemma?’ Adam cracks up and Danny joins him, slapping his knees. Dr Hicks scowls at them both.
‘Oi!’ Gemma shouts and looks at the others.
‘Fuckwits,’ Jackie says, under her breath.
Outside, the desks are lined up in two rows, facing a projector that’s pointed at an outdoor cinema screen. Adam, Danny and Dr Hicks are on screen. Danny is kitted out in a fancy-dress teacher’s uniform of corduroys, a knitted vest and fake glasses. He looks exactly like Dr Hicks, who hasn’t dressed up.
‘Hello, ladies, and welcome to … Keep ’Em Keen!’ says Adam loudly. ‘The class that will clue you up on everything that’s in your power to do to make a man happy. Over the next hour, you’ll learn what our pet peeves are. How to avoid henpecking, and how to boost your sex drive to stop us walking away with the life you’re dreaming of. Goodbye wedding bells, and so long to the pitter-patter of tiny feet. Hello to a future of cats, takeaways and TV.’
‘Sounds quite good,’ says Hattie, quietly.
Amy looks around at the housemates. They’re all staring at him in silent disbelief. She wants to burst out laughing when she sees that Gemma’s giving a death stare and Lauren has her eyes shut. Meanwhile, Jackie’s furiously scribbling a long list on a piece of paper in front of her. When Amy looks closer, she sees the title is ‘The problem with men is …’
‘We went through all the responses with a fine-tooth comb and managed to sort them into some clear categories,’ Dr Hicks takes over. ‘Those categories include appearance, behaviour, sex, communication, attitude and emotional stability. These are the key problem areas for thousands of men who are or have been in relationships with women. What we’re going to do now is go through each category, explain the problem and reveal some of the real responses we’ve received.’
Danny jumps in. ‘Girls, this class is semi-interactive. We might ask some questions along the way. But what we’d really rather you do is stay quiet, listen and take notes on what we tell you. Don’t just interrupt. If you need us to explain it a little more, just raise your hand. Do you understand?’
‘Yeah, I think a dog would understand,’ says Jackie, loudly.
‘OK, we’re good to go. Our first category is appearance,’ Adam says as he clicks and a beautiful woman is displayed on the screen. Amy looks at Flick and wonders if she sees the resemblance, too.
Rule #1: Don’t let yourself go
‘This is Kelly. She’s a computer-generated image of a perfect woman, created by us according to men’s tastes from the data we’ve gathered. We’re always asking men what their preferences are, and Kelly is all their answers in one perfect female form. Now, we aren’t saying that you should look like this.’
‘I should bloody hope not,’ says Jackie, pointing at her face. ‘I’m black, mate.’
Dr Hicks coughs and looks uncomfortable. ‘We aren’t saying all women should have blonde hair and blue eyes. It’s more to do with grooming.’
Adam clicks the buzzer and Kelly morphs into a much older, grumpy-looking woman who’s doubled in size and has unbrushed grey hair and no make-up. She’s wearing a baggy tracksuit, dirty Ugg boots and has half a hamburger in her hand and the other half in her mouth.
Gemma bursts out laughing. ‘Hey, that’s me on Saturday mornings!’
Danny looks at her, deadpan. ‘We’ll get on to women being funny a bit later, Gemma. Now, ladies, this is Kelly if she quits caring. Over half of our responses said the problem with women is that they let themselves go. They stop caring about their style, shape and femininity. Some men complained their partners weren’t as hygienic as they were before having babies. Men are visual creatures, and we hate it when you stop making an effort with your appearance. When you choose slippers over stilettos, it says you no longer care what we think about you, and that makes us feel like we don’t matter.’
Danny clicks again to show a third version of Kelly. Older, but still slim and in a skirt and high heels. She’s holding a green juice, smiling and has perfectly blow-dried hair.
‘Meet Kelly the Cougar, who’s still wearing her wedding ring! Kelly the Quitter doesn’t have a wedding ring on, does she? That’s because her husband didn’t sign up for a dumpy, frumpy, grumpy wife. So the rule here, ladies, is really simple. Don’t let yourself go.’
Amy raises her hand. ‘How do you expect us to find the time or energy to blow-dry our hair, do our nails, iron that skirt, make a green ju
ice and smile about it every day? I’d find that impossible, and I don’t even have kids. By the time I’ve finished work, I’m exhausted. I can think of a thousand better ways to relax.’
‘You could wake up an hour earlier?’ Danny replies. ‘It’s a small price to pay to make a loved one happy that he’s with you and no one else. And it’ll help with your confidence, too. There’s nothing sexier than confidence. Well, confidence within reason, of course. We wouldn’t want a woman with a big head.’
Amy would never admit this to anyone, but it took her three months to show Jamie her face without foundation. When she first started staying the night at his, she’d tiptoe into the bathroom and turn the tap on. Then she’d brush her teeth, smear on some foundation and spray the tiniest bit of perfume in the air to give Jamie the impression that jasmine was just her natural scent. Then she’d creep back under the covers, trying desperately to avoid putting smudges on his Harrods pillowcases, and quickly close her eyes before pretending to yawn. He did find a make-up smudge on the pillowcase once, and made her feel terrible about it. When she eventually stopped this tiring routine, he didn’t seem to notice anyway.
Dr Hicks steps to the front of the class and takes the clicker from Adam. A stock photo of a model couple in bed appears on screen. They’re both laughing while he big-spoons her.
Rule #2: Make an effort in bed
‘Did she just fart on his leg?’ stage-whispers Lauren, making the rest of the class laugh – apart from Flick, who turns round and tells her to shush.
‘Ladies, it isn’t only visual stimulation that men respond to,’ Danny continues. ‘It’s sexual. The second biggest problem men complained about was their sex lives. Or lack of. Women are at their sexual peak in their early thirties. After that, hormonal changes can lead to a lower libido. I have a theory that it’s linked to confidence, too. If you feel unattractive, you won’t want to have sex. You’re scared of rejection, so you reject us instead. It’s a vicious cycle. Here’s a tweet from one of our responders.’
The wife and I had sex five times a week before kids. Now she feels too tired, too full or too fat. Well, I’m tired of her rejecting me. If it doesn’t change, I’m looking elsewhere. Why stay with someone who doesn’t want me anymore?
‘Being lazy at sex is a ticking time bomb,’ says Adam. ‘In a healthy relationship, you should be having sex at least three or four times a week. Listen, I get it. When you really aren’t in the mood, it can be hard to overcome. But sometimes, you’ve got to put mind over matter and make the effort in bed.’
Amy and Jamie’s sex life nosedived in the last six months. He’d be working late or at the gym, and would get back so late that Amy was asleep. If he was drunk, he’d wake her up in the middle of the night. And despite feeling annoyed, she’d often give in to fumbly sex in a cloud of alcohol fumes. It meant she could tick it off the list and he couldn’t accuse her of never wanting to do it. It was either that or hangover sex, which he seemed into and which she found the worst, especially if she’d been out, too. When she felt at peak ugliness, smelliness and had a pounding head.
‘Ladies,’ Dr Hicks adds, ‘if you love your partner, sex shouldn’t feel like a chore. There are lots of ways you can inject more excitement into your sex life. Massage. Role-playing. Dressing up. Tickling. Feathers.’
‘Oooh, Doctor, bet you like a sexy nurse outfit, don’t you?’ shouts Gemma, laughing.
‘Yes, quite,’ he says, almost dropping the clicker. ‘Moving swiftly on to the third category.’
Rule #3: Don’t nag, control or neglect
‘This is all about your behaviour,’ he continues. ‘We received a wide range of responses on the subject matter, so I’m going to read out a few to show you what the problems are.’
The problem with women is all they do is complain. My girlfriend nags about the smallest things, like if I leave my clothes on the floor or don’t rinse the sink. But she never appreciates the things I do do, like unpacking the dishwasher.
The problem with women is they turn into mothers. My wife treats me like I’m one of the kids. I’m forty-five years old, for Christ’s sake, I can get my own f***ing Coco Pops. You’d think I’d like being waited on hand and foot, but I think it’s just another way for her to control me.
The problem with women is they end up putting you second. I used to be the most important person in my wife’s life. I disappeared when the kids came along. The other day I had to shout her name three times before she answered. It would be nice to be noticed once in a while.
Jamie always complained to Amy about her breaching the tidy rules around the house. He was obsessively neat, and she had to move around his flat like she was in the vault scene of Mission: Impossible, in case she left hair on the carpet, spilt her tea or dropped some crumbs.
‘Oh my God, we can’t win, can we?’ shouts Gemma. ‘If we do things for them, we get accused of smothering. If we don’t do things for them, we don’t care. And they say that we moan all the time. Talk about double standards.’
The women mutter in agreement.
‘Relationships are all about balance, Gemma. Sometimes you have to give, sometimes you have to take,’ Danny replies before Dr Hicks can. ‘But complaining, controlling, neglecting – you can’t get away with it, girls.’
‘Now, ladies,’ Dr Hicks continues, ‘making men feel unloved when children appear is a huge problem. When you do have children, you have to make sure your attention is split evenly. Make time for each other. Arrange regular date nights. Give each other at least half an hour of one-on-one time together every night. When the kids are asleep, that isn’t a green light to have a bath by yourself or watch Netflix. Turn the TV off. Let him join you in the bath. It might inject some passion into your sex life at the same time.’
‘Ugh, I hate it when Jason gets in my bath,’ says Gemma. ‘It’s not sexy, it’s awkward and uncomfortable, and he takes up all the room. I lock the door now.’
The screen displays the fourth rule.
Rule #4: Tell us what’s wrong
‘Now, ladies, hands in the air – how many of you have said you’re fine when you’re far from it? Go on, be honest. No one? Ha, yeah right!’ Danny laughs. ‘I’m sure you’ve heard the saying that communication is the key to a happy relationship. Well, let me tell you, it’s a cliché for a reason. Listen to this.’
The problem with women is they think we’re psychic. Tell us when we do something wrong. Don’t mutter that you’re fine, punish us with the silent treatment and then let us know in a passive-aggressive text three days later that we didn’t compliment you on your new haircut!
‘It’s always better to be open, honest and direct,’ Dr Hicks interjects. ‘Even if you’re feeling nervous about confronting an issue. Keeping quiet and bottling it up just leads to tension that can boil over into an argument.’
Hattie puts her hand up.
‘Yes, Hattie?’
‘I understand that it’s important to tell someone if they’ve done something wrong. But what if that person makes it impossible for you to complete the sentence before they’re storming out? How do I communicate with them then?’
That was exactly Jamie’s tactic in a fight. He could be like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. One minute his face could screw up in hysterical laughter, the next it could twist into a purple fury if Amy said something that touched a raw nerve. He was impossible to criticise. So she just didn’t.
‘In that situation, Hattie, I’d have to say just let it go,’ Adam replies, cutting off Dr Hicks. ‘Tempers flare up and tempers fade. He won’t stay angry forever. Keep trying, I’m sure you’ll get through to him eventually.’
Hattie puts her hand down, still looking confused.
‘Is everything clear so far, ladies? Want us to explain anything a bit more?’ When no one bothers replying he carries on with, ‘No? Let’s move on to the next rule.’
Dr Hicks points the clicker at the screen to reveal the next rule.
Rule #5: Don’t be bossy<
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‘As I said before, men love a woman who’s confident,’ says Danny. ‘But there’s a fine line between being confident and bossy. We had loads of responses on this. Chipping away at your man’s masculinity by ordering him around is a fast track to relationship failure. No one wants to marry a Little Miss Bossy Boots. It’s important for men to feel like they’re in charge. Raging feminists will try to deny it, but men are natural-born leaders, protectors, providers. It’s genetics. Being in charge, physically and emotionally, is in their blood. Let him feel like a real man. Let him feel like a hero. Let him make some important decisions and feel like the head of the household.’
Adam nods to Dr Hicks to click, while the contestants collectively pfffft and tsk at the advice.
Rule #6: Learn to laugh more
‘Now, here’s an interesting response we had regarding your attitudes, which I think is a really common problem,’ says Danny.
The problem with women is that they lose their sense of humour. My ex used to laugh at my jokes all the time. Now she says I’m stupid. My jokes haven’t changed, so she must have. Either that or she pretended to find me funny, which I can’t believe. My mates think I’m funny.
Sounds like Jamie.
‘My theory? It’s your lack of effort again. It’s about how you don’t make the effort to make him feel special anymore, just like with the letting yourself go and the lack of effort in bed. It’s rude not to laugh at someone’s jokes. Give your man a confidence boost, make him feel happy. Laughing is free and it’ll pay off in the long run. If you can’t laugh? At least smile, for God’s sake.’
‘But my ex only ever told jokes at my expense,’ Amy interrupts. ‘At first I thought it was like he was pulling my pigtails in the school playground, and he did it because he liked me. But then the more he did it, the more it felt like he was trying to chisel away at my confidence. Would you laugh if your girlfriend turned to her friends and said, “Let’s not talk about the elephant in the room”, and then nodded their head towards you?’
