by Simone Elise
“That’s not true,” I said firmly. “If that was the case, I wouldn’t be….” I clamped my mouth shut and shook my head. “Men aren’t worth a second thought.” And I knew that to be true, yet my mind still would revisit the topic of Kyle often. Even though nothing would change between us, and even though nothing could change our future and what he did to me.
“So you happy to cut this one off then?” Josh said so casually you would think he was talking about the weather and not my sex life.
My mouth dropped open slightly and I found myself stumped by his assumption.
He arched an eyebrow at me, reading my expression. “So is that a yes or a no?”
I looked at him like he couldn’t be serious. Finally I shut my mouth and the shock disappeared.
“Actually it’s a no.” I started to collect the empty baskets.
“So you like him?”
“I like having sex with him, yes.” I found myself being honest. What was wrong with a girl using a guy for once? I wasn’t going to be heartbroken if Bax stopped talking to me or suddenly got interested in another girl who showed up at the bar. “Why do you care?” I finally asked, walking towards him. “You use women for sex and don’t say you don’t cause I know your reputation, Josh.”
Even two years ago he was known for being a heartbreaker. The devil with the looks and a hand made to grab hearts out of girl’s chests and destroy them, without feeling one inch of guilt. True to his character, he was the bad boy—the one every girl wanted to try and tame.
I wasn’t stupid; I knew Bax was a bad boy and I wasn’t the dumb blonde who thought she could change him. I accepted Bax for what he was and that was great for sex—but that was it. He wasn’t boyfriend material and he sure as hell wasn’t a man I’d give my heart.
“You aren’t that cold, Soph.” Josh kept his eyes on me as I stood behind the couch in front of him. “You can’t say you can just use a guy for sex and feel nothing.”
I looked at him deadly serious. “If you reckon I can’t do it, why have I been doing it since I met him?” It was true, my heart wasn’t involved. My body was, and that I wouldn’t deny. My body was into Bax—his tattoos, his muscles… yep, my body felt him one hundred percent.
After Kyle left me, I’d been holding onto a memory of him, and I’d been so focused on what we had, being stuck in the past, that I couldn’t get over him. He was deep in my veins and I couldn’t give Bax my heart even if I wanted to, because I didn’t have one. I really needed to let Kyle go, but I didn’t know. He was like my own personal drug, and I was going through withdrawal.
I was still holding on to a memory even though he had basically said he was sick of me and wanted nothing to do with me. He basically wanted me to let him go, and I just didn’t know how to do it.
Which brought me to where I was now: openly admitting I was using a guy for sex. The old Soph felt too much to ever do that; she lived to please and love and feel. The new Soph… Well, if anything, I learned just how much I’d changed because the new me didn’t live for any of those things.
“I don’t like this guy. He isn’t good for you,” Josh said, his dark eyes staring into mine, locking with them until I felt like I couldn’t look away even if I wanted to. Fuck. I was scared to blink. “I want you to end it.”
I swallowed sharply. Nobody told me what to do anymore. It was the only thing I got from the breakup with Kyle. Nobody told me who to be with, or who not to be with, and no one could be ashamed or disappointed in me if I didn’t listen to them. But Josh was standing here like I had to answer to him.
“I don’t tell you who you can and can’t sleep with.” I crossed my arms, feeling like I needed another reason to back up my response.
Josh picked up a packet of smokes and lit one up, looking like he needed to calm down. Why was he getting so worked up over this?
He inhaled sharply, his eyes still locked with mine. “You need to let him go.”
I frowned. “I’m not holding on to Bax.” I wasn’t. I wasn’t clinging to the hopes of being his girlfriend. Hell, I didn’t even expect him to be a friend when he was done with me.
Josh shook his head. “Kyle…” He took the cigarette out of his mouth. “You are still letting him control your decisions. You are letting him turn you into this”—he paused and ran a one hand through his hair while holding his cigarette in the other—“someone else,” he finally settled on a word. “You are better than this, Soph.”
I wasn’t better than anything. I wasn’t letting Kyle control my decisions. If anything, I was just surviving. I was who I was because that was what was left of me after Kyle was done.
“You want to be my friend, right?” I held my head up high, even though I could hear the disappointment in his voice.
Josh didn’t do friendships, so I knew he was going into this one blind. He didn’t know boundaries. He didn’t know what was right and what was wrong. He didn’t know where a friendship stopped being a friendship.
He nodded his head, looking unsure whether he wanted to hear what I had to say.
“Well, if you are my friend, you are meant to be there no matter. No matter how many times I fail or succeed, you are there to support and encourage and help me pick up the pieces if I do fail.” I looked at him a bit harder. “Either way, I’m always meant to be able to count on you. No matter what I do.”
That was a friendship, right? The core values of a friendship. Well, that’s how I saw them. If Josh wanted to be my friend, he had to be there through the good times and the bad.
“So if you can’t be there in the good times and bad times, we don’t have a friendship,” I added. He was staring at me, weighing up what I said. He didn’t know the values of a friendship. He was only doing what he did best and that was protect someone he cared about. I assumed that was why he wanted me to end it with Bax, cause he thought I’d get hurt.
Little did he know I couldn’t get hurt anymore.
He inhaled on the cigarette and, still staring into my eyes, slowly exhaled. “Bax is a bastard, Soph. You will end up hurt.” His eyes hardened and he was looking at me, like I was something special and he wasn’t about to have me ruined by a man that could never love me.
He also said that like he knew Bax. I shook my head. “Clearly you didn’t listen to me when I said through the good and the bad.”
“Why should I support the bad when I can stop it from happening?” He had a solid point. A friend would point out a mistake before I made one but would be there when I made it anyway. “Soph, you deserve better than one-night stands.”
My eyes widened slightly. “How do you know that’s all my relationship with Bax is?” I sure as hell didn’t tell him I was Bax’s favorite booty call. “How do you know he doesn’t hold me higher than that?”
He scoffed and shook his head, dropping the cigarette in an ashtray.
Whatever he was thinking he was keeping it to himself. He was acting like he knew Bax; like he knew what Bax was capable of and not, which wasn’t possible because Josh might be bad but he wasn’t in Bax’s league. Well, not that I knew of. But as I thought about it more, I began to wonder whether Josh had a double life, one where his criminal past wasn’t the past.
“I should have known you wouldn’t listen,” he muttered to himself and then looked at me defeated. “Guess I’ll just be there when he breaks your heart,” he said with so much honesty and concern.
“Thanks, Josh.” And once again I was wishing I could smile. Because what he was doing—letting me go into a situation that was going to end badly—well, it showed he really was going to support me in the good and bad.
His phone went off on his bedside table and I glanced at it. It had been doing that a lot this morning. I assumed it was some needy girl he was trying to cut off.
“Seems like she won’t give me.” I looked back at him as his phone rang in the background.
He frowned. “What?”
“The girl who hasn’t stopped calling you all morning. I
don’t think she is giving up.”
His face was twisted with confusion for a moment, and then it registered what I had said.
“Yeah, I should get this. And you should get out of here. I’m sure cleaning my bedroom wasn’t what you wanted to do on your weekend.” He looked at his phone, which had stopped ringing, and then looked back at me. “Can I ask something of you?” His tone was serious.
I tilted my head, looking at him. “Sure.”
“If he is a biker, don’t go to the clubhouse or club parties,” he said firmly. “Promise me you won’t get involved in that scene?”
I bit my bottom lip. The truth was Bax was trying to get me to go to parties, which I knew had something to do with a biker club. But they weren’t parties at a clubhouse. They were at random houses. I heard him say on the phone to someone he was going to a “supporters house.” It was another thing that had tipped me off to him being in a club.
But the other night, after we had sex, I took in his tattoos with more detail. I don’t know why I hadn’t looked at them or studied them before. But I could see tattoos dedicated to The Devil’s Cut.
I knew that was the local biker club in town. I guess I really was playing with fire being near Bax.
“I won’t get involved in clubhouse parties,” I said it clearly. I wouldn’t be going to a clubhouse. But I would go to a party in general, whether it was a supporter’s party or not. Josh didn’t seem to pick up on my clarification.
He nodded his head and his phone started ringing again.
“I’ll, um, let you get that.” I gave him a fake smile and left him in his room, closing the door after me and heading across the hall to my room.
Chapter Thirteen
Soph
Ok, I was beginning to think my life couldn’t get any worse; that I had suffered through enough awkwardness for a lifetime. If there was a God, one would think that he’d had enough entertainment from my train wreck of life.
But that didn’t seem to be the case tonight.
Louise, Kyle’s Mum, who I had to admit I had been giving the cold shoulder since I arrived, asked me to stay in Saturday night. I had plans with Bax, but I couldn’t say no to her.
Her and Jed were putting me up, and it would also seem that Jed wanted me to stay in tonight as well. Josh, however, had disappeared sometime that day, and when I saw his empty spot at the table I assumed he wasn’t being forced to spend Saturday night here.
Jed Hawkins was many things: a man passionate about this city, a true blue supporter of the Bull Dogs, a family man and I would say a great dad—to Kyle. It was no secret he had no time for Josh. He had written Josh off years ago. I think even before I came along. But when it came to anything in Kyle’s life, he was the golden boy.
I stabbed a carrot as Kayla continued to make small talk with Louise.
Yep, Kyle had been given the order to stay in as well. But he dragged his girlfriend into the family night I was being forced to attend.
I glanced up and I wished I hadn’t because my eyes locked with Kyle’s, who was staring directly at me.
I wanted to snap at him, but instead I shoved a carrot in my mouth and attempted to keep a lid over my temper and embarrassment.
Just as I went to shove another carrot in my mouth, Louise turned to look at me.
“So, Sophia, how is school going? I bet the universities are hovering,” she said so sweetly, like she still cared about my future, even though my future would not include her son. She should really redirect that question to Kayla, her future daughter-in-law.
As the table went quiet and all eyes were on me, I realized I was going to be forced to answer. I opened my mouth to answer, but an annoying and relentless voice spoke before me.
“I don’t know about Soph, but the universities’ attention is really intense. I was telling Kyle earlier in the week if I get one more promotional letter I’ll never make a decision.” Kayla finished with a fake sigh at the end.
Louise turned to look at me. “Are you having the same problem, Sophia?”
“No, I don’t get letters.” I looked at Kayla. “I get phone calls.” Kayla’s eyes narrowed, but I continued, “Kayla is right though, it is intense. And then there are the face-to-face appointments—shoving scholarships down your throat.”
“Have you picked a favorite yet, Sophia?” Jed entered the conversation. For some reason they actually still cared where my future was headed.
“I’m thinking overseas. I got a few good offers from aboard.”
“You aren’t going overseas,” Kyle scoffed and shook his head. He spoke as if what I had just said offended him. If anything he should be glad to not be in the same country as me.
“Mum and Dad are encouraging it.” I frowned, my eyes on Kyle as he glared at me.
“You wanted to stay in the state. What happened to that plan? What happened to you going to Monash? We both went to their welcoming and put them as our first choice. Hell, we even looked for an apartment there. You had your heart set on Monash!” Kyle’s words sprayed over the table at me. He was basically a second away from getting up and screaming it at me.
I had never seen him this angry. I just stared at him, with my mouth slightly open, speechless.
“Um, well that was our plan…” I trailed off, not really sure what to say.
The tension at the table was palpable. Louise and Jed were looking between us, while Kayla’s glare was fixed firmly on Kyle.
“Darn straight it was!” Kyle threw his fork down. “Now all of a sudden you are forgetting about our plans and heading over fucking seas!”
“Kyle, language!” Jed warned.
Was Kyle serious right now? He thought I’d be heading to the same university as him? He thought that I would still be following the plan he and I had set?
I swallowed sharply, gathering my thoughts. “My plans changed when you weren’t in my future anymore.” I looked into his heated eyes. “I’m sure you and Kayla have discussed where you both will be heading next year, and I doubt it is the same plan you had with me.”
I attempted to speak reason, but Kyle reacted like I had thrown gasoline onto an open fire.
“We made a promise, Soph! You and I were heading to Monash! You can’t go back on that now! You do realize that once you set your preferences you can’t change them? Hell, we set our preferences last year!”
“And I changed them the first day back at school.” I shook my head and frowned. “It’s not like my future effects yours anymore! At the end of this year, I doubt we will ever see each other again!” It was the truth. I didn’t see our paths crossing again. Not after high school ended and we both relocated.
Kyle got up abruptly. “Take that back now, Sophia! Now!”
“Kyle, calm down,” Louise attempted to intervene.
“Can you hear this bullshit!” Kyle pointed an arm at me. “She is wiping me out of her life!”
I awkwardly looked at Louise, Jed, and then Kyle, my eyes bouncing from one to the other.
“Kyle, you wiped me out of your life,” I reminded him. “Why the hell are you getting upset? We aren’t together. We aren’t friends. And stop looking at me like I have to be loyal to our old plans!” I dropped my knife and fork. I wasn’t hungry anymore. Not that I was to begin with. But I was no longer putting on a show of pretending to eat.
I couldn’t believe how he was acting! It was as if he thought that come next year I would be attending Monash with him. Hell, I think in his twisted mind he saw me sharing an apartment with him. Did he really think I would want to share an apartment with him and his girlfriend? Was he that insane!
“If you set your preferences now, then come three months when they are locked you won’t be able to change them!” Kyle yelled a fact at me I already knew from across the table. “You could change your mind and you’d be locked into heading overseas!”
“What is going to happen in the next three months that would change my mind?” I stood up, sick of him having the higher ground.
/>
He scoffed. “The election—that is what will happen!” He made that sound like it was obvious.
I glanced at Jed. “How would Jed continuing to be mayor affect my university decision?” I arched my eyebrows at him. He was looking at me like it was obvious why he was getting so upset. But if anything, I was just confused more.
“It will fucking change everything!” he roared. “Don’t you dare lock in your choices!”
My mouth fell open. “On that note, I think I’m going to leave.” I pushed the chair back. I couldn’t believe he was threatening me. I wasn’t going to win this argument; I didn’t even know why we were arguing! Geez, as if come election day my whole world would change!
“Don’t you dare leave Sophia. This conversation isn’t over.” Kyle followed me out of the dining room and yelled at my back.
God, could he not get the hint? We were over. Where I went to study had nothing to do with him.
I walked into the lounge room. At least his parents didn’t insist on me finishing dinner. At the bottom of the stairs, Kyle, still not getting the point, gripped my upper arm and pulled me to a stop. I twisted to look up at him. Rage was painted across his face.
“Are you on drugs or something?” I asked, a hint of concern clear in my voice. “Because you aren’t making sense, Kyle. Your decisions aren’t making sense.”
“Drugs.” He laughed sickly, shaking his head. “The fucking cause of all my problems.”
I frowned. The Kyle I knew didn’t do drugs. I had no idea what he meant by that.
His grip loosened and he slowly ran his hand up my arm, across my shoulder, up my neck, until he was cupping my face. He took a noticeable step towards me and into my personal space. I swallowed sharply. God, he was close.
His other hand went to my hip and slowly moved around until it was on my lower back, and then he pushed me into him.
I would love to say my brain was screaming at me to push him away. But instead my mind was blank. Maybe from shock, I don’t know. But it wasn’t stopping what was happening. As Kyle handled me like I was still his.
