by Lylah James
I understood that. But he didn't have to be an asshole.
When he stumbled again, his legs giving out under him, I grabbed his arm and hauled him to bed. Once he settled on the mattress, he swatted my hand away. It didn't hurt, but it still stung.
With my hands on my hips, I squinted down at him. “Don't do this, Maddox. I'm going to walk away.”
The warning gained me a reaction, a small one. He opened his bloodshot eyes and stared at me, his expression a mask of unfiltered pain. “Then go. That's what they always do anyway. Walk away.”
Goddamn it, did he have to hurt my heart like this?
I rubbed a hand over the ache in my chest, attempting to relieve the dull pain there.
“There is no reason for you to be mean to me when I'm only trying to help,” I said softy, running my fingers through his wet hair. “Don't push me away.”
Maddox let out a mocking laugh and closed his eyes. So be it.
I got off the bed and was only able to take a step away before he grabbed my hand. Firm and strong, even in his state. “Don't go. Don't leave…me," he croaked. The cracks in his voice made me pause. “I'm scared… scared of being alone.”
I settled back on the bed again, all fight leaving me in one breath.
Maddox wasn't complicated in ways everyone liked to believe. Once I got to know him, I really saw him, the real him, and realized that he only hid behind a mask.
“You can't do this, Maddox. You can't be an asshole and then ask me to stay with that look on your face.” Like a kicked puppy, a lost boy, a broken man. My sweet Maddox, with a heart of gold.
“Don't wanna lose you,” he mumbled. Maddox grasped my hand in his, albeit clumsily, because he was still really drunk. Our fingers interlaced together, and his hold tightened.
I gave his hand a squeeze in comfort and in warning. “I don't do toxic relationships.”
His eyes cracked open, and he gave me a small smile. There was something melancholy about it. He had the appearance of a desperate man, starving and reaching blindly toward something, but it always escaped out of his grasp before he could grab hold. Maddox was breaking my heart, and there was nothing I could do to end this suffering.
“We're not in a relationship.”
I knew that but I still asked. Maybe I was a glutton for pain. “Then, what are we?”
His gaze fixated on me again, eyes so blue they looked like the midwinter sky – beautiful yet dreary. “You're... more,” he whispered the confession. “Don’t leave, Lila.”
He said my name like a prayer, as if he was whispering all his hopes to heaven.
With that said, he closed his eyes again, and this time, he was no longer conscious. I looked down at our hands, and I swallowed back my tears. “What are you doing to me, Maddox?”
Before I could think twice about my actions, I climbed under the comforter and joined him. His body was still cold, but slowly regaining its warmth. Under the strong smell of alcohol and tobacco, his scent still lingered. Warm, rich and earthy…
I didn’t know when it happened or why I didn’t realize it until now, but Maddox’s familiar scent brought me comfort.
I curled into his side; our fingers still intertwined. He needed me; he needed his friend. “I’m not leaving. Pinky swear.”
Maddox was bad.
There was a boy once, a boy just like him, who ruined me and left me scarred.
Maddox was everything I stayed away from; he was everything I didn’t need in my life.
I told myself… never again. I’d never let myself be weak around men like Maddox.
But no matter how much I tried to walk away, to put distance between us, to somehow end this friendship… he wouldn’t let go.
He was bad. He smoked, he was too hasty about life, he liked to break the law, he broke girls like me – he left a trail of shattered hearts behind him, and he didn’t care about anything. I thought… maybe it was because no one taught him how to care for another human being.
I saw a few glimpses of the Maddox he tried to hide from everyone, the Maddox who just wanted his parents’ approval – that Maddox was starving for attention.
There were a hundred reasons why he was bad for me.
But all those reasons became insignificant when I realized he didn’t want to hurt me. At first, I was skeptical. I was waiting for Maddox to do what he was best at – break hearts.
But he didn’t.
Weeks went by.
Two months passed.
I realized Maddox Coulter was a little bit ruined, a little bit messy, a little bit broken -- a beautiful disaster.
Like me.
All those reasons were no longer important, because every morning, he’d wait outside my Grandparents’ home, he’d hand me a muffin and follow my bus to school. Every afternoon, he’d sit with me and study – something he hasn’t done in years. He hated studying, he hated opening a textbook, but he did it anyway. Because of a dare, because of me – he did it for me.
It was silly, it was something so little, yet…
I couldn’t let go of my friend.
He was annoying but hilarious. He was the world’s biggest asshole – a douchebag by definition. In fact, he’d take that trophy home. Asshole of the decade.
He angered me, made me want to scream in frustration, he drove me utterly crazy, but as much as he had me sighing in exasperation and rolling my eyes… he made me smile.
Maddox was out of his mind: too careless, too reckless, too foolish.
But he was the chaos to the perfect world I had built around me – a world where I kept my heart carefully guarded.
Miss Perfectionist, he liked to say.
Hmph. Maddox made my world a little bit less… perfect. Was she okay with this? Is this the realization she came to here?
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Lila
As I came awake again, for the fifth time this night, I realized it wasn’t night anymore. The heavy curtains were still drawn, but I could see the sunlight through the slits.
My hands landed on a wall of muscle, warm and strong. I could feel his heart beating under my palm. My gaze slid up his chest, neck, squared jaw and finally, his eyes.
I realized two things.
One – I spent the night with Maddox, and I slept for over twelve hours, and he slept even more.
Two – Maddox was awake, and he was staring down at me with an unreadable expression.
“Hi?” I mumbled.
Shit, shit. Shit!
I meant to leave in the middle of the night, after making sure Maddox was alright.
But I must have passed out and now…
This wasn’t my first time sleeping next to a man. Well, my ex-boyfriend and I shared a bed a few times. But he was a boy. A lanky, inexperienced boy. Maddox was not a boy.
I wasn’t shy or inexperienced, per say.
But I wasn’t sure I liked the way Maddox was staring at me. The expression on his face made my stomach flip and clench. A shiver racked through my body; except, I wasn’t cold. In fact, I was very, very warm. Maddox was a human heater.
His eyes were dark and intense, no longer dull or bloodshot.
“Stop looking at me like that,” I grumbled, pushing away from his body. The sight of his dirty blond, disheveled hair, eyes glinting with something unspoken, full lips slightly parted, wide and strong shoulders–there was a masculine aura around him. He made me feel small and… feminine.
“What are you doing here?” he finally spoke.
I sat up, chewing on my bottom lip. “You don’t remember…”
Maddox rubbed a hand over his face and rolled over onto his back. “I do. But, I mean, in my bed. Not that I mind, but I just didn’t expect it when I woke up. Nice surprise there, Sweet Cheeks.”
Ah, so he was back to the normal Maddox.
“I fell asleep,” I admitted. I didn’t know how to make this not awkward. “But I should probably leave now.”
I got off the bed, but the sound of my name
from his rough, sleepy voice made me pause. “Lila.”
“Yes?”
I glanced back at him. Maddox was on his side, facing me and propped up on one elbow, casual and at ease. There were so many differences between the two Maddoxs I had seen in the last twenty hours.
“Thank you,” he said. There was something akin to affection in his voice. My chest tightened with an unfamiliar emotion. My mouth opened, but I never got a chance to tell him it was okay.
A knock sounded on the door, and Mr. Hokinson’s voice came through. “Your parents are asking you to come down for breakfast.”
There was a flash of annoyance and twisted fury on Maddox’s face. “You can tell them to fuck off, thanks.”
“Good morning to you, too,” Mr. Hokinson said before his steps faded away.
“Maddox–” I started.
“No, Lila,” he growled.
He climbed off the bed and went into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. I flinched at that and stood where I was, waiting for him to calm down.
Ten minutes later, he was standing in front of me again. Arms crossed, he leveled me with a warning. “Stay out of this.”
“What happened yesterday?” I shot back.
He surprised me by answering. “Bad day.”
I took a step forward, reaching out to him. “Maddox…”
In a moment of renewed anger, his chest vibrated with another threatening growl. His jaw clenched, and I wondered how it didn’t crack under the pressure. “I called my father to tell him about my final marks.”
Oh no. No, I didn’t like where this was going.
“He hung up on me because he was too busy. When he came home, I mustered up the courage and told him. You know what he fucking said?”
I shook my head. I’m sorry.
His lips curled up into a snarl as he mimicked his father’s voice. “Who did you bribe for those marks, Maddox?”
Hot, nasty fury coursed through my body. For Maddox. He continued, spitting out the words like they burnt him from the inside.
“He doesn’t believe in me. Father dearest probably thinks I fucked my way through my teachers to pass my exams. So, you see? Lila, it doesn’t matter. If I get into Harvard on my own or if I passed my semester. None of this fucking matter!”
My heartbeat pounded in my chest. “Yes, it does.”
“No,” he hissed.
I stalked over to where he was standing and cupped his cheeks. “Look at me! It does matter, Maddox.”
He tried to jerk away from me, but I didn’t let go. “I don’t care what your dad says, but you worked your ass off for this. I saw it with my own eyes. You should be proud of yourself. And if you can’t believe it, then let me tell you. I am so proud of you. Got it?”
His lips thinned into a straight line, his eyes going distant. “Lila–”
“I’m proud of you,” I whispered, rubbing my thumb over his clenching jaw, the muscle relaxing under my touch.
His eyes squeezed close. “Fuuuuck,” he muttered under his breath.
I let out a small laugh, hoping it would rub off on Maddox. “Well, Poodle. That’s one way to put it.”
His eyes snapped opened, clear as the sky, and he grasped my hand, pulling me toward the door.
“Where are we going?” I asked.
There was a renewed urgency in his voice when he spoke. “Breakfast. Let’s go.”
Well shit…
“Um, can I brush my teeth first?”
Fifteen minutes later, we were sitting at the table with his parents. It was my first time meeting them, and his father barely gave me a once over before going back to his tablet. His mother sent me a tentative smile before avoiding eye contact. She munched on her toast while an awkward silence fell upon us.
“We didn’t know you had someone over, Maddox.”
His father’s voice was deep and uninviting. There was a harsh coldness to it. Mr. Coulter gave me an unappreciative glance, and I frowned. Did he…?
Holy shit, he thought I was Maddox’s fuck buddy or last night’s conquest.
And he probably though Maddox brought me to the table just for the sake of causing a ruckus. Well, that explained one thing. Maddox got his assholish ways from his father.
I cleared my throat. “My apologies, we haven’t met before. I’m Maddox’s friend.”
“Friend?” His father gave me a dismissive flick of his hand.
“Brad,” his wife warned in a low voice. The tension in the air was palpable, so thick someone could choke on it. My throat went dry, and I tried to swallow several times.
“What’s your name?” Mrs. Coulter seemed to be more… approachable. The lack of judgement in her eyes had me relaxing, a tad bit.
“Lila. Lila Garcia.”
She gave me a half-smile. “You can call me Savannah. How did you and my son meet?”
I took a small bite of my toast. I had been hungry before, although I was not anymore. My stomach twisted with knots, and I knew I couldn’t have more than a few bites. “Maddox and I met in Berkshire Academy.”
His father’s head snapped up, and he speared me with a look. “Berkshire, you said? I don’t recognize your last name. Who are your parents?”
He thought I was one of them… the wealthy and the corrupted. After all, Berkshire Academy was a tank full of those.
I took a slow sip of my water, trying to soothe my parched throat. “I live with my grandparents.”
I jerked my chin high and returned his look with one of my own. I wasn’t ashamed of who I was.
“Lawyers?”
Was this a goddamn interrogation?
I shook my head, pursing my lips in displeasure. “No, they own a grocery store.”
“That’s nice,” Mrs. Coulter jumped in before her husband could utter another hateful word. He was staring at me as if I was a pest. As I stared at Brad, I could see the resemblance. Maddox was a carbon copy of his father. The same hair, same eyes, same angry look on their faces.
“So, have you gotten any college acceptances yet?” Savannah tried to break through the tension, looking back and forth between Maddox and me.
I nodded, chewing on the bite I just took before answering. “Yes, to Princeton, but I am hoping for Harvard.”
Maddox’s father let out a huff. “Harvard? It’s not easy to get in.”
My shoulders straightened, and I gave him a tight smile, trying to look polite. If Brad saw the irritated look on my face, he ignored it. “Oh, I know, but I’ve been working for this for years now,” I told him. He didn’t scare me, not with his judgmental stares or his cold smile.
Maddox finally spoke. “Lila is one of the top five students at Berkshire.”
There was a hint of pride in his voice, and my cheeks heated. I quickly took another bite of my toast before swallowing it down with the tea I had in front of me.
Brad tsked, looking only slightly impressed. He regarded me with a curious look as if he was finally seeing me in a different light. He gave me a sharp nod before his gaze focused on Maddox. “Well, that’s good to hear. Maybe you can teach my wayward son how to be responsible.”
I wasn’t touching Maddox, but I felt it as if it was my own–his muscles tightening, his body rigid as a bow–he was ready to sprint away or lunge at his father’s throat. There was fire in his eyes and ice in his veins. My hand slid over to him, and I placed my hand on his thigh, holding him down, even though I was no match to his strength. His muscles rippled beneath my touch, and his own hand landed on mine. His breath expelled in a jerky rush.
I got you.
I leveled Brad with a cold stare of my own. This was a battlefield. Maddox and I on one side, his parents on the other. Our words didn’t cause any physical wounds, but fuck, our looks and the words spoken were sharper than any knife.
I’d go to war for Maddox.
And this was war.
“Maddox is working really hard,” I started, my eyes flickering from his father to his mother. “He passed this seme
ster with high marks.”
Brad looked incredulous. “Oh, did he?”
I held onto my temper and gave them a smile. “Yes. You should be proud of him since he did it all on his own.”
Savannah perked up. She was obviously trying to break the ice, but this situation was already too frosty. “That’s good to hear! Maddox, why didn’t you tell us?”
He tensed, his fork clanking against the plate. “I did.”
Her smile dissolved. “Oh.”
I realized one thing in that moment. Savannah wasn’t ignoring Maddox’s existence, although it appeared like that on the outside. But now that I really looked at her, I realized she was scared of her son. Maddox intimidated her, and knowing him, he made himself less approachable around his parents.
Maybe I was wrong. Savannah was trying, but it was too little… too late.
“We’re done here,” Maddox announced. He stood up, roughly pushing his chair back and dragging me with him.
“Maddox,” Brad called out after his son, his voice threatening and so… cold. “You will show respect.”
Maddox wasn’t listening. We were already marching away. He didn’t stop, even after we were the through the gates of his house. We walked for an hour, side by side. There was an unspoken understanding between us as we walked in silence until we reached Berkshire.
Today was Saturday, so the building was closed. I snuck a glance up at Maddox. He was breathing hard, his lips curled back, and his eyes dark.
He held so much anger inside him, so much disappointment. I could feel it, deep in my bones. Maddox felt betrayed, hurt and deceived. He held more pain than he showed to the world.
I gave his hand a squeeze. “You have to train your mind to be stronger than your emotions or else you’ll lose yourself every time,” I said softly.
His eyes locked with me, and the intensity of his gaze caused my stomach to flip. “Why are you here?” There was a sudden harshness in his voice that had me flinching.
My lips parted, confused. “What?”
“Here,” he gritted out. “With me. Why? Why didn’t you walk away?”
“Because you’re my friend,” I simply replied. Because I care.
