by Ruby Dixon
I jump, making a startled squawk. "What the fuck!?"
He blinks at me, lowering his hand, and I realize that he didn't smack it against his head—he struck it against the base of one of his horns. U'dron holds the nut out to me, and it looks as if it's been split neatly in half, the inside a pale yellow with a dark brown “egg” in the middle, kind of like an avocado.
I giggle, slapping his arm. "You scared the shit out of me."
U'dron's smile is slow to spread across his face. "That was how I was taught, when I was Pak's age, to open a ground nut." He leans close to me as if sharing a secret. "Though I have smacked myself in the head several times with one before."
I laugh, taking the half he offers me and touching it with a fingertip. "I wasn't expecting that, but you do have a rather hard head."
He snorts, the sound amused, and then shows me how to carefully tuck the shell into the coals. We watch the nuts as they cook, oil beading up off of the center, which Lauren told me was like peanut butter. Just thinking about peanut butter makes my mouth water, and I realize it must be afternoon and we haven't eaten anything. There's a waterskin thoughtfully left behind by Juth and we've taken turns drinking out of it all day. U'dron hands it to me silently and I sip it, the water sloshing in my empty stomach.
Now would be a good time to ask him who he resonated to, I think. Just get it out there, get it in the open, and move on with my life. I hand the waterskin back and look over at him. "So…"
I watch as he tilts the skin back and drains it, a droplet sliding down his skin and disappearing into his chin scruff. He pokes his tongue out, licking the hardened rim of the skin's lip, and I find that I'm utterly fascinated by the sight of that tongue tip and the ridges that seem to cascade all the way down his tongue.
U'dron glances over at me. "So…?" He prompts.
"A…raft?" I manage, voice hoarse. "Can we build one tonight?"
"It will not be a fantastic one, but yes, we can make a reasonable craft." He glances over at me through his lashes. "Unless you would like to spend more time here waiting for Juth to return."
If I said yes, would he stay with me, I wonder? I've already stalled us once with my ankle story. What's a few more days? Part of me kind of wants to put off the inevitable, because I know it's going to kill me to see him resonating to someone else. He's always been my…buddy. Well, not really a buddy. More than a friend, less than a lover. My best friend, if I have to put a label on it. The person I trust more than anyone else on this planet.
And I'm losing him. It's probably Steph. Or Sam. Maybe Daisy. Flor? Bridget?
Does it even matter? I'm going to be miserable any way it happens.
"R'ven?"
I fight a little shiver as he says my name. "Hmmm?"
"Did you wish to stay another day or two? To wait for Juth and Pak?"
"Oh. Uh, no, I guess it wouldn't be fair."
"Fair?" he echoes.
"You know why." I mean, I don't want to have to be the one to point out to him that he should really care if his new mate misses him. "If you think Pak and Juth really won't come back, then we should go ahead and return to the others."
He thinks for a moment, toying with the empty waterskin. "From what I know of the outcast tribe, I do not think they will return, no. They will watch us, I am certain, but they will not return to our camp." He nudges my shoulder, and I'm reminded just how warm his big body is. It hits me through the layers of tunic and fur and sends goosebumps through my body. He's like a great big space heater, this guy. "Those are ready. If you can pull them out, I will get more snow to melt for our waterskin."
I use a pair of twigs like tongs, retrieving the ground nuts from the fire as U'dron moves to the far end of the camp. His feet slide on the ice, which gives me a little chuckle. For all that he's big and brawny, he has no idea how to walk on ice. It's kind of charming to see him skitter across, knowing that it's utterly unfamiliar to him. He goes to where the ice is thickest and begins to fill the skin, so I turn my attention to the waiting ground nuts. They smell amazing, like roasted nuts from a carnival, and my stomach growls furiously. I surreptitiously run a finger over the surface of one creamy bulb and taste it, unable to resist.
The taste is bliss—hot peanut butter and hazelnut mixed into one, and I can't help the moan that escapes my throat. A short distance away, I see U'dron fumble with the skin, nearly losing his balance on the icy ground. He straightens and glances over at me, to where I'm sucking the oils off my fingertip, and I swear…
If I wasn't positive the guy had already resonated to someone else, I'd say he was trying to scorch my panties off.
Damn him for being taken. Not that he'd want to be with me if he knew who I was…but still. Damn.
I continue sucking on my finger as he returns. Maybe it's the devil in me making me do it, but I noticed how he looked at me. Maybe I want him to regret what he can't have. Maybe I'm a bad person, because I know he's taken and I still want him anyhow, and what does that say about me? Nothing good.
I won't touch him, but maybe I want him to suffer a little. So I lick my fingertip and offer him a too-cheerful smile. "I couldn't resist a taste."
"It is fine," he tells me, voice slightly hoarse. I notice he drops down next to me and immediately tucks the blankets over his lap, hiding his erection. "Eat your fill."
I offer him one and take the other as he sets the skin near the fire for the snow to melt. I devour mine quickly, eating it with messy haste. The oils get everywhere, and once it's gone (far too quickly) I lick my fingers and sigh. U'dron promptly knocks another against his horn, splitting it, and sets it on the fire.
"Should we save them?" I ask, worried we're going to burn through all our food.
He shakes his head, glancing over at me. "I would rather share them with you than anyone else."
His words fill me with the same hot yearning as before, and for a moment, I'm sitting under the stars with my best friend, laughing at how bad we are at seeing the star pictures. It's so unfair that he won't be mine, not even for a minute. To my horror, my eyes fill with tears, and I rest my head against his arm, like I used to do before. "Just tell me who it is? I swear I won't press. I just…need to know."
"Know what?"
I let out a bubbling laugh, despite my tears. "Oh, come on."
"I am serious, R'ven. I do not know what you speak of."
I sit up, meeting his gaze. "Who did you resonate to? Was it Steph? I bet it was Steph." She's kind and clever and has a beautiful smile. "I just need to know who I'm going to be fucking miserably jealous of because she scored big when she snagged you."
U'dron blinks at me. He swallows hard, his thick neck working. "R'ven, I have not resonated to anyone."
I stare at him in surprise, open-mouthed. "But you said we can't be together. What other reason is there?"
He flushes and rubs his ear, looking away. "It is…a private matter."
I slap his arm, suddenly irritated. "Will you just fucking tell me? I've all but screamed to the world how much I like you. I've been stewing on jealousy for the last twenty-four hours because I thought you'd resonated to someone else. The least you can do is tell me what the hell is going on, don't you think?" I spread my hands. "I'm hanging all my dirty laundry out to dry, aren't I?"
U'dron looks miserable. He rubs a hand over his jaw, then lets out a heavy sigh. "I…have a secret."
My gut churns. Shit.
For a hot moment, I forgot that I have a secret, too. A bad one. One that will make him hate me if I share it. "Maybe…maybe you tell me yours and I tell you mine? We can keep it to ourselves."
Now he's the one that looks surprised. "You have a secret?"
Oh boy, do I. I chew on a fingernail, debating. "I…might have fudged a few things about my past."
He swallows hard again, his Adam’s apple working. "This is my problem, too."
"Will you share it with me then?" I hold my pinky out. "We can promise never to tell another soul." If he doesn't
hate me after tonight, I'm quite willing to keep his secret for all time, whatever it is.
U'dron taps my pinky, clearly not sure what to do with it. "I worry you will no longer respect me or look at me with desire when you find out my secret." He rubs his ear, his tail agitated and flicking against the sand.
"Yeah, well, that makes two of us." It's not as if I have the world's most innocent secrets, after all. If I tell him and he shares with the others, I'm going to be in deep shit. "If you don't want to share, I understand."
"I want to tell you." His mouth quirks into a wry smile. "And at the same time, I do not."
Boy, I can relate. "Do you…want me to go first?"
"Do you want to go first?"
"No." I huff a laugh. "I don't want to go at all. Maybe we should paper-rock-scissors to say who has to spill first."
"I do not know this pay-per-hock-is-ors," he admits. "What is it?"
I chuckle. "It's a hand game, kind of like the one I showed you earlier, and it's used to solve stupid arguments." I smack my palm with my fist and then lay my hand flat, showing him “paper.” When he immediately places his hand over my “paper,” I laugh. "It's just a silly thing and a stalling tactic. If you really want me to go first, I will."
For some reason, knowing U'dron has a secret that's making him twitch and sweat makes me feel a little better. It's silly, but I kind of feel like I have my best friend back. Like we're on the same page again. I feel close to him, and some of the anxiety eases from my chest. He came after me, after all…and he hasn't resonated to someone else.
So I take his hand in mine. "I guess I'll go first, but you have to promise not to tell another living soul what I'm about to tell you."
The look he gives me is utterly grave, his fingers warm and callused against my own. "I will keep your secrets, R'ven. This I promise."
I lick my lips, suddenly nervous. The hot peanut butter stuff in my stomach churns, and bile creeps up the back of my throat. I know I'm making myself freak out, but I can't help it. If I'm cast out of the tribe because my secret gets out, what kind of life is there for me? Wearing leaves and scavenging like poor Juth and Pak? I take a deep breath and immediately want to back out. I can't do this. I can't. "I…I…I…"
"I will go first," U'dron tells me gently. "Then you can decide if you wish to share yours or not."
Tears prick at my stupid eyes because he's being so nice and understanding. "I kinda hate that we have to have this talk at all. It sucks."
"Believe me, I would love nothing more than to continue as we have been." U'dron sighs. "But you need to understand why I act as I do. It is because…" He takes a deep breath and hangs his head. "I am not a true hunter."
13
RAVEN
I've been tensing as he speaks, waiting to hear the bomb drop, and when he says it…I'm not entirely sure I follow. I study his big body, his broad shoulders, his thick neck. He's as big and strong and capable as anyone from the island clans. This is why he can't make out with me? "I'm sorry, did you say you're not a true hunter?"
U'dron nods, his nostrils flaring with emotion. He's clearly miserable, so this must mean a great deal to him and I'm not understanding it. I rub his hand encouragingly. "Can you explain to me what you mean by this? How is it that you aren't a true hunter?" When he looks stricken, I give his fingers a squeeze. "You don't have to explain if you don't want to. I'm just trying to understand the situation."
He gazes down at our clasped hands and plays with my fingers. I can't help but notice that his fingertips are slightly callused, his palms rough, and it's a strange contrast to the soft, suede-like sensation of the rest of his skin. It shows he's a hard worker, and I find that utterly sexy. When he rubs his fingertips over my knuckles, it takes everything I have not to grab him and kiss him. "You…do not know the story of how the Shadow Cat clan came to be only four?" His words are hesitant.
"I know your island's volcano erupted and killed a lot of people, but that's all I know." I touch his thumb, petting him like he is me, since he seems to need comforting. "We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."
"It is part of the story," U'dron says, his words slow and thoughtful. "The reason we survived the destruction of our cave was because I'rec, O'jek, A'tam and myself were on the proving grounds. That is the only reason we did not perish with the others."
"Proving grounds?" I ask.
He nods. "Once every full turn of the seasons, each clan sends out their young who are ready to become of age. They meet in the center of the island, where the land is most abundant with predators, and greet the Keeper of the Spears. The Keeper makes certain that we have no weapons or additional items to bring with us on our proving, and then we are sent off to become true hunters. We must create our own weapons and traps and bring down a sky-claw on our own, and then bring back some sort of proof that we have killed it. The Keeper asked for the tail tip this time, so we set off to hunt. I was most eager to go this time, because I had missed the last two provings. One time, it was because I hurt my ankle, and the second time I had to stay because my mother was giving birth on the day we were to leave, and she was having a difficult time. I had to stay." His voice breaks off and he stares down at our hands.
"Of course you had to stay," I tell him soothingly. It's clear that he loved his mother, and it's also very obvious to me that this decision has torn him up for a while. "You wouldn't leave your mother's side for anything if she was in danger. No one would."
"But it meant I had to put off the proving for yet another turn of the seasons." He shrugs his big shoulders and begins to trace a blue vein on the back of my hand, sending goosebumps up and down my body. "I was older than the others that were sent on the proving that time, and they teased me about it. All boys do such things." One side of his mouth quirks in an almost-smile.
I want to punch everyone else on his behalf, just for being dickbag teen boys.
"And then it did not matter, because the proving began. I was just as strong and capable as the others, of course. But because I was the oldest, we decided I should go last. We would help each other hunt, and then return to the Keeper of the Spear, triumphant." He shrugs, tracing my veins over and over again. "I was in the process of bringing down my prey when the Great Smoking Mountain had its first death. The entire island shook and trees tumbled to the ground. There was smoke everywhere, and all of the sky-claw flew away." He shakes his head. "I never had my kill, and never got to become a true hunter. We returned to the proving grounds to look for the Keeper of the Spears, but he was dead. We returned to our home cave and found…" He shakes his head. "Nothing."
"Oh, U'dron," I say softly. "What a horrible thing to happen." I put my free hand on his knee, trying to comfort him. "It's an awful thing, and I'm so sorry you had to go through that."
"I have never completed the proving," he states again with a shake of his head. "In the eyes of my people, I am not an adult. I cannot take a mate, because I am not an adult." He gives me a miserable look. "Now do you understand why I cannot have you? No matter how badly I wish for you to be mine?"
I leave my hand on his knee, because I want to keep touching him. "Those are old rules," I say. "That world is gone, isn't it? You hunt right now. You're just as big and strong—if not stronger—than anyone else on the beach. I don't know why you think you can't have a mate."
"My clan knows the truth of what I am," U'dron points out. "They would not approve…and they are all that I have left."
My heart breaks for him. His coming-of-age ceremony was interrupted by an awful tragedy and now he feels like he has to pay the price for the rest of his days? That sucks. I can tell it weighs on him, just from the slump of his shoulders and the dejected flick of his tail. He acts like he's not worthy for some reason. Like I would flinch away from him because he's not a “true” adult.
Please. "I don't care about any of that, U'dron. In my eyes, you're just as much a man as anyone else on that beach. More so, actually." I lean over and touch
his cheek, skimming over the scruff there. "You're the only one who found me, after all. You fought Juth for me. You carried me out of the water with a bunch of sea creatures attacking you. And you're here right now, admitting something you don't want to, because you're brave."
He takes my hand and presses it to his chest, right over his heart. "I wish I would resonate to you right now, R'ven. If I resonated, no one could stop us from being together."
"Heck, I wish that, too." No one would be able to boot me, no matter how bad of a person I am, if I was resonating to U'dron. They'd be stuck with me. "But as far as secrets go, that one's not so terrible, truly. I mean, I can see how frustrating you find it, but it doesn't change the way I look at you." I stroke my thumb over his lips. "I find you just as sexy and powerful as I did an hour ago. You're still the guy that came and rescued me, and more than that, you're my friend and my music partner and my star-watching partner. None of that has changed in the slightest."
"But now you understand why I cannot touch you?" The look on his face is pure agony.
I want to tell him that no, I don't understand. In my mind, it's a ridiculous custom that's being held against him. That he's proven himself a dozen times over with his actions and deeds ever since they arrived. He fishes for long, tireless hours. He goes on hunt after hunt. If a volunteer is needed, U'dron is there to offer a hand. I just thought he was super into helping out, but now I suspect a lot of it is over-compensation, making up for whatever he thinks he lacks. I know how that is. Haven't I been in super-friendly mode ever since I arrived, trying to pretend to be someone that I'm not? "I understand that I'rec and your people might not approve, but…maybe they don't have to know?"
U'dron gives me a sweet smile. "But I would want them to know. I would want them to see how proud I am of such a wonderful female in my furs."
My heart sinks, because I'm not wonderful, and now that he's shared his secret, it's time to share mine.
