by Z Brewer
“Wise words.”
“My aunt.” Her eyes, moist with the threat of tears, met mine. My heart broke for her.
A light breeze picked up, carrying on it the scent of roses. After a period of silence, I said, “Hey, do you know where the Serenity Hut is?”
“No. Thankfully, I’ve never been there.” She looked around to make sure we didn’t have any unwanted company. “But I can keep Alice distracted long enough for you to find out.”
I flashed her a surprised glance, and she responded with “I miss Lloyd too. I’m worried about him. We all are, I’m sure.”
I hadn’t expected to find friends at Camp Redemption, which just proved that even at our lowest points, life was still capable of pleasant surprises. “Thanks. I’m taking Caleb with me tonight. It just wouldn’t feel right to go without him, y’know?”
“I get it. He needs to see Lloyd. Even if he doesn’t realize it.”
I said, “What are you going to do to distract Alice?”
“I’ll think of something.” Her ears perked, and she placed her feet down on the wooden slats of the porch again. “Do you hear that?”
From somewhere in the distance—it sounded like the driveway in the front of the main house—came a voice I’d have recognized anywhere. Kai. “Quinn!”
My glass fell to the porch with a clink, splashing lemonade all over. As I rounded the corner on the side of the house, an orderly appeared, blocking my way. He looked more than a little bit winded, as if he’d hurried to stop me. I shouted, “Kai!”
The orderly said, “Miss, I’m afraid you’re not allowed up front at the moment.”
I took off like a shot, dodging the orderly, my heart hammering in my chest. I had to reach him, had to see him.
Sounds of a scuffle filled my ears. My feet flew over the grass. By the time I reached the front of the house, Kai was sitting in the driver’s seat of his car, and the engine was running. What on earth had Alice threatened him with in order to get him to decide to cooperate all of a sudden?
Me. She must have threatened me. It was the only thing that would have made him change his mind like that.
Standing beside the car was Alice, her cheeks flushed, her posture confident and strong. “Your sister isn’t available right now. Call the camp tomorrow and we’ll see what, if anything, can be arranged.”
My lungs burned and I could barely call out his name again, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t going to try. “Kai!”
By the time I reached the driveway, his car was pulling away with a start, sending up a cloud of dust. Drawing in a lungful, I resisted the urge to cough and called out to him one last time as I chased after him. “Kai!”
He slammed on the brakes, the back end of the car fishtailing as he brought the vehicle to a stop. I reached the car as he opened the door and climbed out. He pulled me into his arms with a tight hug. Comfortable. Familiar. Reliable. “Are you all right, kiddo? I’ve been so worried since our phone call.”
Words spilled out of me like blood from a wound. “I’m not okay. I need you to get me out of here. This place is awful. And I can’t go home, because I have my answer now, and Mom and Dad aren’t going to like it. I’m gay, Kai. And I have to live with you now. Please!”
In the side mirror, I saw two of the large male staff members approaching. Kai noticed them too. “Get in the car, Quinn. We’ll figure out what to do with you once we get you out of here.”
Alice’s voice was tinged with an air of superiority hidden behind a glaze of concern. “I’m afraid you’re not Quinn’s legal guardian. Therefore, I can’t allow you to remove her from the property. We can wait until the police arrive and sort it out then, if that’s how you want to handle this.”
The look in Kai’s eyes said that he was mulling over our options. After a moment, he clenched his jaw. “There’s no need for that. I’m going.”
He was leaving. Anger welled up inside of me—anger at him, for refusing to help, and anger at everyone who thought it was better to shut up than own out loud who you are.
Pulling me closer, he placed a small peck on my forehead and met my gaze. “We’ll figure this out, kiddo. I know you can’t live with me in the dorms, but I’ll come up with something. Don’t worry.”
I could feel a small hairline fracture spiderweb through my heart. I had no words.
With an apologetic frown, Kai slipped a folded piece of paper into my hand just as the staff members’ hands grabbed my shoulders, pulling me back. I gripped the piece of paper tight, hoping no one saw that he had given it to me.
As the men escorted me to the house, I could hear Alice call out to my brother. “You should know that such dramatic intrusions will only serve to harm your sister and lengthen her healing process. I advise you to think twice before visiting again unannounced and without permission.”
Once I was in the house, one of the men shut the door behind me and stood guard outside—fitting, because this place was like a prison. I couldn’t leave Camp Redemption. Not until I drank the Kool-Aid. And I wasn’t thirsty.
Besides, where would I go if I did leave?
I unfolded the paper Kai had slipped into my pocket. It was a note. From the one person other than my brother who I desperately needed to hear from.
Dear Quinn,
I miss you. I know you have your reasons for going to that place, and I want you to know that while I may not support your decision, I do support you. Even if you can only come back to me as a friend, please come back to me soon. My world is gray without you. I love you so much.
Yours,
Lia
Outside, the sun was shining bright as ever—almost Stepford perfect. But that didn’t outshine the truth. The truth was, my world was gray without Lia as well. I missed her. I loved her. And nothing—not fear of my parents kicking me out, not a gay conversion camp, not self-doubt—would ever erase the fact that she was the person who set my heart on fire.
That night after dinner, Valerie pulled Alice aside for a private conversation. I didn’t know what they talked about, only that Valerie looked pained and Alice looked sympathetic. It was my cue.
Caleb and I headed outside. We kept our movements casual, like we were just going for a stroll—not something the staff would discourage, being that we were opposite genders in their view. What’s the worst we could do? Create a baby and save the world, just to spite the demons within us? I was sure nothing would please Dr. Hillard more.
What we were really doing was reconnaissance. Locate where they were keeping Lloyd and Susan and check out the perimeter of the property. That was our goal. It felt kind of like a military operation.
“We need you, Quinn. You’re our inspiration to go on fighting.”
Lloyd’s words whispered through my mind—words I’d never heard him speak. Or had I?
Yes. I could see him clearly in my mind’s eye. He was wearing fatigues. Rubbing his brow, as if in an attempt to stave off a headache. I was—
“That’s comforting.” Caleb jabbed his chin at the large chain-link fence that seemed to surround the camp. Barbed wire ran along the top, as well as a security camera—for our protection, I was willing to bet Alice would offer as an explanation. A creek snaked its way across our path.
I watched the water flow under the fence, wishing that we could all leave so easily. Then it hit me. We could. “Caleb, look at the fence over the creek.”
He slowed his steps to a stop and reached out, twirling a lock of my hair around one of his fingers and offering an endearing smile for the camera. Pretending to look at me but really taking stock of the fence over the water, he said, “This part of the creek is much deeper than what I can see of the rest. Can you swim?”
My chest tightened with the sensation of drowning. Remnants of years-gone-but-never-forgotten childhood experiences. “No, but I can hold my breath.”
“Good enough. But one problem.” He nodded toward the camera.
“How far back is the house? It took us twenty minutes to
walk this far. Which means it’d take somebody at least that long to reach us from the house.” Plastering a charmed smile on my face, I took his hand in mine. “We could leave. We could get out.”
Caleb pressed his lips to the back of my hand in a soft kiss. Whoever might be watching was getting quite a show. “Lloyd’s somewhere north of here, I think. It was dumb luck that I found him before. The night I . . . we . . .”
He was blushing. I smiled. “Let’s get everyone on board and go. The sooner, the better.”
We continued north, which led us deep into a wooded area. It seemed like we’d been walking forever when I finally spied a small shamble of a shack with a large padlock on its door. It couldn’t have been more than a twelve-foot square. A rusted tin roof lay flat on top of walls made from what looked like old barn wood. There were substantial spaces between the boards, but not enough to escape through. Could this be the infamous Serenity Hut? If so, it was definitely an ironic name. Nothing about it inspired anything close to serenity.
“If you’re looking for a threesome, I need a shower first.” Despite his unrelentingly bawdy sense of humor, Lloyd’s voice sounded smaller, more subdued. Just hearing it made the tiny hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.
We rushed over to the ramshackle building. Seeing his face through the small openings sent a wave of relief through me. “Lloyd! Are you okay?”
“I’m hangin’ in there.” His dry lips rose in a smile as he met my partner in crime’s eyes. “Hey, Caleb.”
“Hey.” Caleb rested his hand between two of the widely spaced boards. It didn’t take long for Lloyd to place his hand on Caleb’s. A heartbeat passed before their fingers were laced together.
Feeling very much like an intruder on their moment, I said, “We found a way out of here.”
“The creek, under the fence?” Lloyd turned his attention to me. It had only been two days, but he looked thinner. “I discovered that about a month ago.”
“Then why haven’t you left before now?”
“Because there’s someone I need to be here for. Whether or not he realizes it or however he feels about me, I can’t just leave him behind, hating himself because of other people’s opinions.” Lloyd was no longer looking at me. His gaze was locked on Caleb. “How could I leave someone behind like that? Especially someone so ashamed of himself, so beaten down by his family that he’d subject himself to torture?”
“I’m coming with you.” Even Caleb looked surprised to hear the words leave his lips. But he meant them. That much was clear.
Lloyd said, “Are you sure you’re ready to be back out there?”
Caleb shook his head. “Not entirely, no. But I’m not going to stay here. I don’t belong. I think God will understand. After all, if he made me and he’s never wrong, then he made me how I am.”
I glanced around, my nerves on edge. Someone had to be coming soon to check on Lloyd’s well-being, or at least to ensure he hadn’t managed to escape. “When do you think we should go?”
“The moment you can get me out of this personal hellhole. Talk to Valerie and Randall, see if they’re in. I don’t think Collins—”
“He’s going home tomorrow.” Resentment colored my tone. Well-deserved resentment. Collins had drunk the Kool-Aid.
“Figures. Not everyone can just . . .” Lloyd shook his head warily but didn’t have the strength for one of his usual rants. “It doesn’t matter. We have to leave everything but our IDs and any cash behind. Travel light.”
“Caleb and Quinn, I can see that you two are going to require some correction.” Dr. Hillard’s voice echoed through the trees as he approached, flanked by two large men. My heart hammered in my chest.
We were caught.
“I’m prescribing aversion therapy, effective immediately.”
Lloyd gripped one of the boards and pulled with all his strength but accomplished nothing. “Hillard, you bastard! Don’t you hurt them! Don’t fucking do it!”
The man on the right, the one with the scraggly beard, grabbed me by the shoulders and began leading me back toward the house. The other man grabbed Caleb and all but carried him, shouting and struggling, out of sight. I squirmed beneath the orderly’s rough hands. “What are you doing? Where are you taking me?”
The walk was brief and silent. Not far from the back of the guesthouse where Lloyd usually slept was a small building made of cinder blocks. A large steel door was its only entrance. My stomach clenched in concern. “What is this place?”
My captor was silent. He pulled open the door and gave me a little shove into the room. What I saw within looked like something a mad scientist might have in an old movie. A vinyl-covered gurney sat at the center of the room, surrounded by six television monitors. A single light hung from the ceiling, illuminating the strange setup. The walls were bare, and the corners of the room were dark. Goose bumps crawled up my arms. I shouldn’t be here. I should be anywhere but here.
I took a step back but bumped into the man who’d brought me to this place. Gripping my wrist, he directed me toward the gurney. I pulled hard but couldn’t break free. Panic began closing my airways.
With one swift movement, he picked me up and placed me on the vinyl. I kicked and clawed, but he managed to subdue me long enough to strap down each of my limbs. With a grunt, he tightened a fifth strap across my torso and left the room. Another man, one with stringy hair who looked too much like the gardener I’d encountered before to not be him, placed a rubber tube between my teeth and secured it there at the back of my head. He pressed a long, nicotine-stained finger against his lips. “Shh.”
The light above me went dark, and I heard the only door open and close again. I was left to struggle against my binds with nothing but darkness and terror for company.
After several minutes, images began flashing on the screens. Most were of no consequence. A child taking communion. A man planting a seedling. But after several such images, a picture of two women kissing appeared. As it did, a shock of electricity shot through my body. Pain lit up every inch of me. Just as I felt relief that it had ceased, another image appeared—this one of two men and pornographic—and I was shocked again. It continued like that for what felt like an eternity, and eventually, my muffled screams began to sound like they were coming from someone other than myself.
Every inch of my skin ached, every muscle throbbed. My jaw hurt so much, I wasn’t sure I could take any more. More images flashed on the screens. A meadow of wildflowers. A church steeple. But then something different. Large words, crisp white on a black background, flashed on the screens one at a time. Unlike the images before, they didn’t feel random. They felt like a warning.
YOU
CAN’T
RUN
FROM
THE
MONSTER.
THE
MONSTER
IS
YOU.
Confusion filled me, but it was zapped away by the lightning that shot through my body. It felt like it would never end.
Maybe it never would.
12
Falling forward, I felt Caleb tug his blade free from my gut. The blood pouring from my wound, soaking my tactical vest, felt warm on my skin. Slick. There was no pain, just an intense rush of warmth over every inch of my body. The sensation didn’t last long, though. My fingers and toes soon felt cold, even in the temperate night air. My lips were tingling. Trembling. I’d read somewhere once that a person would feel hazy and dizzy after getting stabbed in the stomach and losing a lot of blood, but my vision was crystal clear.
For a while.
Oh.
Caleb’s face blurred before my eyes. I tried to hold on to him to keep myself on my feet, but I could feel my body slipping lower and lower to the ground.
Bleeding to death—that’s what I was doing. What was the word for it? Lia had taught it to me several months ago, when she’d been stitching up a soldier who’d caught the brunt of shrapnel from a grenade.
Exsanguination.
That was it. I was exsanguinating to death. And there ain’t no party like an exsanguination party, ’cuz an exsanguination party stops when the heart does.
Hysterical laughter bubbled up out of me. Lia would have glared at me for laughing over such a serious issue. She was a problem solver who wasted no time. In fact, she sometimes—
My heart felt heavy as it slowed. I couldn’t remember crumbling to the ground, but there I was, on all fours, hearing my breath rushing in and out of my lungs. I couldn’t focus on the fact that I was dying. All I could think about was Lia. I would never see Lia again. Never kiss her lips. Never dry her tears. Never hold her all night until the sound of gunfire and explosions quieted. I would never see her again. Ever.
The sound of Kai’s gun firing seemed muffled and far away. Someone was crying. Someone else was pleading for it all to stop, just stop. Then the pain began, gnawing through my abdomen. The feel of it sharpened my senses some, but not much. Mostly it sharpened my fury toward Caleb. That asshole had actually stabbed me in the stomach like a witless coward. He didn’t face me in battle as an equal. He didn’t pit his combat skills against mine. He waited until I was unarmed and outnumbered and buried a blade in my gut as my brother methodically went down the line and killed my friends on his order.
So much for resolving this peacefully.
My head felt like it was filled with concrete, but I managed to lift it and look up at my killer. Caleb watched me, his head tilted slightly. By the look on his face, I wondered whether or not he’d ever seen a person bleed to death before his eyes.
His expression shifted from curious observation to alarm the moment a knife blade pressed against his throat.
Lloyd.
My number one was taking charge, protecting me and the remaining members of our squad. I wanted to thank him. I wanted to apologize for not sharing everything about myself with him. But it was too late. I was at death’s door.
I could just make out Lloyd’s face as he spoke into Caleb’s ear, though I couldn’t hear what he said. He must’ve broken free of his bonds somehow. Caleb grimaced, but when Lloyd pressed the blade into his skin, Caleb broke. He shouted to his men, “Stand down!”
