A loud sigh escapes me, “I’m trying to do better.”
“Good,” she grunts, “if Tyler were still here he’d be chewing your ear off.”
“Don’t I know it.”
“They would have made such pretty babies,” mom says wistfully.
I stiffen, “What?”
“Tyler and Peyton, they were such a cute couple.”
“They sure were,” I’m not able to hide the venom in my tone.
“What’s wrong?” Mom asks suddenly.
“Nothing,” I snap, “I’ll be in my room.”
I don’t let her ask anymore questions or talk about how Peyton and Tyler were so good together. I close the door behind me, flicking the lock and fall down onto the bed, staring up at the ceiling.
I can’t help but wonder what would have happened should Tyler still be alive? I miss my brother something fierce, the pain of his loss is a festering wound unable to heal.
Would they still be together? Engaged maybe? Living their dreams in college and planning for the future.
What would I be doing? Would I have been able to move past this obsession I seem to have on Peyton?
I just needed to get over it. Put up a barrier between me and her because the what ifs and maybes don’t matter.
Tyler is dead. Peyton can never be mine. End of story.
As long as I just keep telling myself that, we can all get through this with minimal damage.
_
Thanksgiving ends with nothing remarkable to speak of other than that night I am refusing to talk about. I follow Colt’s Volvo back to campus Sunday, pulling in next to him when he parks in front of the house we share.
“We didn’t see Peyton,” Decker sighs as we enter the house.
“You did, right?” Colt turns to me, his brow cocked, “I called by her house, her mom told me she was with you.”
“Oh right, yeah,” I cough, “mom invited her over for dinner before thanksgiving.”
“Where was our invite?” Decker purses his lips, oblivious to the knowing look Colt is giving me as if all the answers to whatever question he has is written all over my face.
I don’t like it.
“Anyone for a beer?” I yell out, heading away from the scrutiny and into the kitchen, pulling a corona from the fridge and popping the cap.
“Yeah!” Decker answers whilst Colt just follows me in, getting his own. I grab Decker’s and brush away from Colt, handing Decker the drink and falling down onto the couch.
“How about a few games?” I say, taking a long swig of my beer, “Mortal Kombat?”
Decker’s head snaps to me, “Fuck yeah. We haven’t played this game in ages!”
I wince. Have I really been that bad?
I’m trying to do better.
I was going to keep that promise I made my mom. I would do better. I can’t live in this state the rest of my life and the first thing that’s going to change is my self-isolation from everyone around me.
“Like old times, huh?” I nudge his shoulder.
Colt drops into the seat across the room and just stares at me.
“What?” I snap.
He purses his lips, “Nothing, bro. Let’s have a few games, I’ll play the winner.”
Decker kicks my ass and I sit back, watching my two best friends battle it out on the TV, my mind not on the upcoming trip and definitely not on the girl I cannot have.
Nineteen
It’s that awkward time between thanksgiving and Christmas where you can’t really dive back into school work but there’s still a few weeks before you’re allowed to leave to celebrate the holidays.
It’s the beginning of December and the campus looks as if an elf has thrown up on it overnight. Christmas decorations hang everywhere, twinkling lights and baubles hanging from the trees and posts all around campus. A huge Christmas tree has been erected in the student centre, decorated to the nines in blue, silver and white decorations.
Demi and I spend our Wednesday night seeing as I’m off work, decorating our dorm room, pulling out the trinkets we had collected over our time at Hillgrove University.
By the time we’re finished, our dorm room is a winter wonderland and I sit back proud, legs crossed under my body staring at the small tree we had fought ruthlessly to get into the building. The smell of fresh pine fills the small space and I sigh, feeling all warm inside.
I loved Christmas. The magic of it. The romance.
My traitorous mind reels back to the night before thanksgiving, when I fell asleep against Fletcher in his childhood bed. I should feel guilty but all I feel is a happiness that’s been missing from my life for a long time. It felt so right, tucked against his hardness, his arm curled around me as if he couldn’t bear to let me go.
I had struggled to get out of his embrace that morning, every time I moved, his arm tightened, holding me prisoner.
I was a willing captive even if my body begged me for coffee and a good stretch.
He smelt so good. Felt even better.
“Ugh,” Demi mock gags, “You’re doing it again.”
I force my face flat, “Doing what?”
“Getting that wistful look on your face. You’re thinking about it again, aren’t you?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
I couldn’t hold it in, the moment I saw Demi when I got back to campus, I spilled it all. The moment we had when his mom was taking our photo to the night I spent led in his arms.
Maybe Demi had been right and there was more to our relationship. Would it be wrong of me to find out?
I stare up at the Christmas ornament I’d hung near the star on top of the tree and guilt twists up my insides. Tyler had given me that ornament the last Christmas we had spent together. It was a tiny little angel, no bigger than my pinky and made entirely from glass. We had hung a few white lights behind it and it glowed through the crystal, a kaleidoscope of colour that lit it up from the inside.
It would be wrong but if given the chance, would I really be able to stop?
_
I worked a lot in the weeks leading up to winter break but had the entire three weeks off. On the Saturday after classes ended, I met Decker at the house he shared with the guys, my bags packed for the four days we were spending in Aspen. This wasn’t the first time I had been to the cabin the Dallas’ owned and the memory of that Christmas four years ago burns bright in my mind.
Fletcher had already left, deciding to drive up on his own Friday morning, whilst all of us still had classes. I guess he wanted some time on his own. I don’t know. The past few weeks have been a blur of work and studying with classes in between and the time I did get to spend with the guys, Fletcher made excuses not to attend.
I couldn’t help but feel like we were slipping back to how we were before. I had him, right there, in my grasp and like ice melting, he was slipping between my fingers again with no way of me gripping and holding on tight.
I sit in the back of Colt’s Volvo as we make the four hour drive to Aspen. I’ve plugged my headphones into my ears whilst the guys talk up front and I’m not able to stop my mind from wandering back to that year.
_
“Are you coming?” Tyler hollered from the wraparound porch. Inside looked enticing as all hell with the warm glow of the fire burning in the living room. But we had been here for days already and I had yet to hike my favourite trail. Tyler wanted to go skiing with his dad but I wasn’t up for it.
“Not today,” I tell him, zipping my coat up higher and tugging my hat down lower to save myself from the cold. “I’m going to do the hike with Fletcher.”
“Okay, babe,” he grinned, “I’ll see you in a little bit.”
I nod and watch Tyler’s brother exit the cabin, a pair of sunglasses wrapped around his eyes and his hat pulled low like mine. He hands me my gloves with a grin, “You forgot these.”
Smiling, I take them, my fingers brushing his. I ignore the burn of electric that sizzles up my arm whene
ver we touch.
“Thanks.” I pull them over my fingers and turn to the trail behind me. “You ready?”
“Yep,” Fletch says, setting off, his snow boots leaving a way for me to follow without having to wade through the inches of cold white stuff. I step where he steps, giggling to myself that he has to do all the hard work.
“I know what you’re doing,” he calls back to me as we break the trees, the pines stretched up towards the murky grey clouds above us, the branches covered in white from a recent snowfall.
“Me?” I called to him, “I’m doing nothing.”
“Mm-hmm,” he grunted, “Making me do all the work.”
“You’re a strapping young football player, I’m doing it for the team.”
His chuckle echoed through the area, warming me from the inside.
I loved this trail, one of the quieter hikes in the surrounding area because it wasn’t exactly easy. Mostly uphill with jagged rocks that jutted out from the ground but remained buried beneath the snow, making it dangerous as hell if you didn’t look where you were going.
I pulled myself up a more severe incline using a nearby tree, only I underestimate the branch and it snaps. I swing my arms wildly, trying to remain upright so I don’t tumble down the hill behind me. That’ll do some serious damage and thinking about all the sharp rocks and trees behind me, panic floods through my body. I lean forward and my fingers make purchase with the edge of the boulder, the sharp edges cutting into my fingers beneath the gloves but I can’t keep hold and I slip.
I brace for the hit that never comes.
“Easy, Peyton,” Fletcher had somehow managed to make it back to me in time and is now gripping me by the wrist, keeping my body from tumbling, “that isn’t going to be a nice fall.”
I laugh, “You don’t say.”
He gives me a cocky grin that fires heat through my veins and then effortlessly pulls me up, helping me until my feet hit the flatter surface at the top. Still he keeps a hold around my waist, his brows furrowed as he looks at where we’re connected.
“Fletch?” I question.
He snatches his hand back, “You good?”
I nod and he sets off again, his long, muscular legs eating up the space in front of him until he’s a good thirty yards ahead of me. With a sigh I hear echoed back at me I follow behind, making sure to check which branches I use for leverage and where I put my feet. I can’t bank on Fletcher being there every time I decide to take a trip and the next time, I might not be so lucky.
It’s been an hour already and I can feel the burn in my lungs. Despite the below freezing temperatures I feel a sweat beginning on my brow and nape. I whip off my hat and pull my hair into a high ponytail, shivering a little as the freezing air nips at my skin. It won’t take me long to warm right back up and I’ll put the hat back on in a little while, I just need to cool off for a minute.
Fletcher has disappeared somewhere up ahead, the trees all around us too thick for me to see that much in front of me, just a lot of white with deep green patches and a grey sky.
I follow the deep prints in the snow until they suddenly stop.
I look left, then right but there are no more prints to show me which way Fletcher had gone. I swallow thickly, would I be able to find my way back if I’d lost him? How the hell have I lost him anyway? He was literally leaving me a map in the snow.
“Fletch?” I call, noting the fear lacing my tone at the prospect of hiking back alone. “Fletcher!?”
Nights out here got cold, no cold is the wrong word to describe it, they got deathly freezing to the point, without the right gear, you wouldn’t survive.
“Fletch?” I squeak.
Were there predators out here? Wolves? Why couldn’t I remember?
Goosebumps chase over my skin and I shove my hat back on, pulling up the collar of my coat further to shield myself from the cold.
A rustle to my left has my head whipping to the side just as a big bulky shape jumps right at me. I barely have time to scream as the form barrels into my body, knocking me right off my feet.
When we land I’m surprised to find my back isn’t pressed into the snow, instead, the front of my body is on something very solid and very warm.
I open my eyes to see Fletcher’s grinning face, his eyes twinkling with unrefined mischief.
“You asshole!” I seethe, swatting his chest.
His booming laughter vibrates through the trees. He grasps my wrists tugging me back down until our chests collide and our noses brush.
“You scared me,” I huff.
“Just keeping you on your toes, babe,” he mumbles, those glorious eyes dropping to my mouth.
I’m mere inches away from his mouth, the mouth I’d dreamed of before and all it would take is for me to close the gap, finally find out what it’s like to kiss Fletcher Dallas.
Tyler springs to the forefront of my mind and as if he’s thought the same, he gently pushes me off him until we’re both standing. The air sizzles with the awkwardness as we brush the snow from our clothes.
“It’s not too far,” Fletcher breaks the tension, “a little further up.”
This was why we were hiking. To get to that spot, the very one that had inspired so many of my sketches.
We walk in silence the rest of the way but Fletcher doesn’t steam off ahead, he stays by my side, helping me up the trickier slopes until we break through the trees into a clearing that drops off at the edge to a rocky, near one hundred foot drop.
Tyler and I had never been here, only Fletcher and I, and I liked to think of it as a spot for just the two of us. I had never seen anyone else here before.
With a sigh I feel in my bones, I head over to the edge, not too close and perch on the top of a rock, breathing in the fresh, clean air. God it was beautiful. The mountains took up the entire horizon in front of me, the peaks buried in the fog of the clouds. It was a sight to behold, so much wonder, so much beauty, it takes my breath away.
“I hope no one ever finds this place,” I murmur out loud.
Fletcher looks over at me and smiles, a soft tilt of his lips, “Me too.”
“It’s ours.”
He sucks in a breath, “It is.”
“How do we keep it?”
With a grin, he pulls out the pocket knife his dad had given him at the start of the trip, “By carving our initials of course.”
I giggle, watching him walk to a nearby tree and begin to carve the letters of our first names into the bark.
F and then a P in big, messy writing that scores the tree deep.
“Now, it’ll be ours forever.” He nods assertively, turning back to me with the promise I’m sure he intends to keep.
Twenty
I glance at the clock, Decker had text two and a half hours ago stating that they had left Hillgrove and were on the way. With the fire lit, a pile of fresh logs in the basket and the guest bedrooms made, everything was ready. I’d headed into town and gone grocery shopping yesterday when I arrived.
I had to leave before they did. I needed a night on my own. To clear my head, to figure out a game plan. Avoiding Peyton on campus was easy but now we were going to be together, in this small cabin together for four days. Did I regret inviting her? Yes and no. No because I meant what I said and I wanted her in my life again and yes because I wasn’t sure how much willpower I had left. I was becoming weak.
Being around her was hard. It was like all my control had just gone out the window. I didn’t own any when I was around her.
I’d set up her room the furthest away from mine and she had her own bathroom so there wouldn’t be any bumping into each other nipping into the toilet. Decker and Colt were here anyway, I mean what can happen with two other people here with us?
It’ll be early evening by the time they arrive so we wouldn’t be doing anything exciting today, maybe pop to that diner in town, the one we went to every time we came. It was gorgeous, the terrace warmed by firepits all around the dining area and a view to d
ie for.
I’m pacing when the Volvo pulls through the snow in the drive and stops by my truck. Decker unfolds himself from the car first, followed by Colt and then finally, the back door opens and Peyton steps out, her dark hair a striking contrast to the pristine white backdrop.
Her jeans are tight and she has on a pair of knee high leather boots, an oversized knitted jumper and coat that falls to her knees. She’s free of makeup, and if sensing my presence in the window, her eyes meet mine. My breath catches and my heart pounds.
Oh I’m in trouble. So much trouble.
They let themselves in because I’m still frozen in the window, staring at the spot Peyton was just standing in.
“Fletch!” Decker yells enthusiastically, “The party has arrived!”
He slaps me on the shoulder, dumping his bag in the hall, followed by Colt. Peyton is a little more civilized about it, rolling her case so it’s lined up against the wall and then shrugs out of her coat, hanging it by the door. Her eyes close and she inhales, “Nothing’s changed,” she muses.
“Look at us,” Decker hollers, slinging an arm around my shoulder and pulling Colt in with him for an awkward hug. Colt grabs Peyton, hauling her small body forward. She lurches, her little legs not able to close the gap and falls into my chest, her fingers biting into the skin beneath my Henley. “All of us all together again.” Decker continues like I’m not warring with myself. Her scent teases my nose, her hair tickling the base of my throat.
“Yep,” Peyton answers with a shake in her voice, “all together again.”
“Where’s the beer?” Decker asks me.
“Kitchen.”
He releases us from the embrace to go in search of beer and Peyton quickly takes a step back, her eyes on the floor, “Which is my room?”
“On the end,” I tell her, waiting, willing her to look at me. She nods, keeps her eyes down and then rolls her case towards the room at the end of the hall, the door clicking behind her.
With Decker in the kitchen, Colt spins on me, slaps me on the shoulder and forces me to look at him, “What is going on between you two?”
Fletcher( Boys of HGU #1) Page 10
