She nods and I return to Holden.
“Everything ok?” He questions, confused.
“Yeah. Everything’s fine, but um, well I just looked at all her stuff and everything she has is being paid for with WIC. So, it’s basically already paid for. I was thinking that we have her purchase that stuff with WIC and then we pay for other groceries she may need.”
Holden smiles brightly and nods, standing up and walking back over to the woman with me. We explain to her what we want to do and she immediately starts to cry, hugging us and thanking us both.
The next half hour is spent with us walking around with this woman and her two young boys. We learn that they are three years old. She got pregnant with them her senior year of high school. The father didn’t want to be involved, so she gave up her plans of going to college and decided to raise her twin boys on her own. It’s inspiring to see what she has done for them.
Holden and I play with the boys as she loads the groceries into the car. Holden even helps buckle the one little boy in. She thanks us one more time and asks for our names as well as what University we attend. We tell her and then wave goodbye to the little boys.
I can’t help but look at Holden differently after today. The way paying for these people made him so happy, and how he interacted with each little kid. It’s really made me realize that I don’t know him well at all. He really isn’t that bad of guy.
THREE DAYS LATER, I’M writing in my food journal when suddenly, I feel like I’m going to be sick. I run into the bathroom and empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet.
“Kayleigh?” I hear Holden say from outside the door. What is he doing here?
“What do you want Holden?” I ask, not masking the annoyance from my tone.
“You okay?”
“I’m fine, now what is it?” Can’t he just tell me what he wants and leave me alone?
I hear him gag a little when I continue to throw up. “I need the notes from the other day.”
“They’re in my notebook. Just take it.” I answer.
It isn’t until a couple minutes later that I realize I left my food journal out. I start to panic as I quickly wipe my face and flush the toilet. I rush to the bathroom door and yank it open.
“Holden.” I say, but it’s too late. He’s standing there, holding my food journal, looking at me with a concerned look on his face.
Fuck.
Chapter Four
My feet are planted in the doorway of the bathroom, my hand still on the knob. I don’t know whether to stay calm or panic. Judging by the look on Holden’s face, he’s read enough in my journal to know what it is.
“Holden.” I say carefully. “Give that to me, please.”
I take a step towards him, and he immediately takes a step back, holding the journal out of reach.
“What is this, Kayleigh?”
“None of your business. Give it back.” I jump towards him, trying to grab the book out of his hands, but he dodges just in time.
“Not until you explain!” He’s angry, and maybe even worried.
I take a deep breath and sit down on my bed, rubbing my forehead to try to get a grip on all of this.
“What do you think it is?” I ask carefully.
He looks down at the book and then back at me. “I don’t know what to think. That’s why I’m asking you.”
I guess there really isn’t anything I can do to get out of this. I gesture to Bree’s bed, and he sits, keeping the journal in his hands.
“I don’t eat.” I confess. “And what I do eat, I keep record of inside that book.” This is the first time I’ve ever told anyone about my disorder. I don’t know whether I feel guilty or liberated. Still, I’m nervous. No one except my best friend, Emily, knows about this. And on top of it all, Holden Rivers is the last person I wanted to find out.
“Why?” He asks, so simple yet so complicated all at once.
I decide to go with simple. “I don’t like the way I look.”
He looks at me in disbelief. The turning gears in his head can be seen in his expression. I wait patiently as he figures out what to say.
“I don’t understand.” He starts. “You’re beautiful.” My eyes widen and he quickly recants his words. “I mean, you look fine.”
I shake my head. “Please don’t start, Holden. I’ve heard all of this before.”
“But this is dangerous! You could die!”
“Heard that before too.” I mumble while rolling my eyes.
He suddenly looks angry. “Fine.” He spits, tossing the journal onto my bed. “Do whatever you fucking want. Who gives a shit what happens to you anyway?”
He storms out of the room, leaving me injured and confused by his words. Why does he care so much? It’s not like we’re friends. We don’t even like each other. He’s my roommate’s boyfriend - that’s all.
I take the journal from where it landed, and place it securely back underneath my mattress. I should have known better than to leave it out. I’m so stupid. It must always be hidden. Always.
BREE COMES IN TO get ready a couple of hours later. She’s brushing her hair, trying to talk to me about how annoying her professor is. I, however, can’t seem to get my mind off Holden. If he says something to Bree, she might tell my mother. Or worse, he could say something to his whole fraternity and I could end up being the laughing stock of the school.
“Kayleigh!” Bree yells.
I snap my head towards her and my inner turmoil goes out the window. “Huh? What?”
“Do you want to come with me tonight?” She repeats slowly.
“Go where?” I ask.
“The frat party at Holden’s.”
My initial reaction is to say no, but I hesitate. If I go, maybe I can get to Holden and convince him to keep my secret to himself. I swallow my pride, and the feeling like I’m going to vomit, and stand from my bed.
“Sure. Let’s go.”
Brianna looks shocked, but happy none the less. She grabs her purse and the two of us set out for the party. I just hope this doesn’t backfire in my face.
THE FRATERNITY HOUSE IS packed and the music is so loud I can barely hear myself think. I follow Bree into the kitchen and thank her when she hands me a beer. I don’t particularly care for the taste of it, let alone the number of calories in it, but I take it anyway.
I look around the crowded party, trying to catch a glimpse of Holden. To cover up my search, I take a small sip of the beer. Gross. How could anyone think this tastes good?
“Who are you looking for?” Bree asks me.
I turn back to her and see Holden standing behind her, his arms wrapped around her waist.
“Oh. No one specific. Just seeing if I know anyone here.” I lie.
How am I going to talk to Holden when he’s with Bree? I can’t bring it up in front of her, and the last thing I want is for her to think I have something going on with her boyfriend. I can’t stand him, let alone want to be with him.
Instead of pushing my luck trying to get him away from her undetected, I decide to wait it out. Bree and I dance together, the buzz from the alcohol kicking in rather quickly. Holden makes a remark about nothing being in my stomach, but thankfully no one notices.
Three drinks in, I’m wasted when Bree finally says she needs to use the bathroom. I take the opportunity to confront Holden.
“Can we talk?” I ask him.
He doesn’t seem happy. “About what?”
I look around at all the people near us. “Maybe somewhere a little more private?”
He takes a long swig of his beer, contemplating. For a minute, I think that he’s going to tell me no, but he agrees. He nods his head toward the stairs and I follow him up. We walk down a small hallway at the top of the stairs and he turns into one of the rooms, shutting the door behind me. I can tell by the pictures on the wall, this is Holden’s room.
I never thought I’d be in Holden Rivers’ bedroom of all places.
Holden takes a seat on hi
s bed and gestures for me to sit next to him. I decide against it and stand instead, leaning against the wall.
“So, what did you want to talk about?” He questions.
I take a deep breath, swallowing the lump in my throat. “About what you found today.”
“What about it?” He deadpans. He’s not going to make this easy on me.
“I just want to make sure you’re not going to tell anyone.”
He laughs humorlessly and takes another sip of his beer before he puts it down on his nightstand. “Why shouldn’t I?”
I feel like I’m on the edge of a mental breakdown. “Holden, please. I can’t have this getting out. If my mother finds out she will send me to one of those god-awful places, or worse. I’ll lose my place here, and I’ll have to become a stripper and my whole life will be ruined.”
I start to hyperventilate at the thought of it all. I slide down the wall until I’m sitting on the floor. Holden is at my side within seconds.
“Kayleigh, Kay, come on. Relax. Breathe.” He tries to calm me, but it’s no use. The anxiety attack has already begun and there is nothing I can do but wait it out. Holden grabs a bottle of water from his mini-fridge and hands it to me. I don’t open it, but I place the cool bottle against my forehead. It grounds me.
“I’m okay.” I breathe as the attack finally subsides. “Sorry.”
He looks at me with amusement. “You’re apologizing for having a panic attack?”
I chuckle softly. I guess that is rather silly, but I must stay focused. “I can’t have anyone else finding out about this Holden. I’m serious.”
He rubs his head with his hand, considering it, until finally he sighs. “Okay, I won’t say anything.” He says. A rush of relief washes over me. “But I have one condition.”
Fuck. “Ok. What?”
“I want to help you beat this.” He tells me.
I’m shocked. That’s probably the last thing I expected to come out of his mouth. Doesn’t he have better things to do than try to help me tackle an eating disorder. Do I even want help? Well, no. To be honest, I don’t.
“What if I don’t want to?” I ask.
He shrugs. “Then I’ll have to tell someone to get you the help you need.” Tears spring to my eyes at the thought. “No. Kayleigh no.” He says, trying to calm me. “I don’t want to see something horrible happen to you. You’re gorgeous, don’t you get that?” This time he doesn’t take it back. He grabs my hands and holds them tightly within his own. “Please, just let me help you.”
My heart is pounding, and I feel like it’s the only thing I can hear, despite the beat of the music vibrating the floor. I still don’t understand why him of all people would want to try to help me, especially with this. Still, if it’s the only way he’ll keep this mouth shut, I’ll have to agree. Perhaps I’ll just have to find better ways of hiding it. Make him think I’m recovering, meanwhile I won’t be.
“Okay. Help me.” I say, breathless.
He smiles broadly and wraps his arms around me, pulling me into him. It catches me off guard, but I hug him back, resting my head on his shoulder.
“We’ll get you through this Kay, I promise.” He whispers. I don’t respond, still shocked by this whole situation.
The two of us return downstairs. Brianna is talking to Taylor, and stops as soon as Holden wraps his arms around her from behind.
“There you are. Kayleigh wasn’t beating the crap out of you, was she?” She asks.
“Nope. We’re good.” I answer, faking a smile. Holden smiles back and winks when no one is looking.
Well, this should be interesting.
Chapter Five
My head is pounding as I try to ignore the voices of Holden and Brianna from 5 feet away. I groan, putting my pillow over my head and pushing down to silence the noise. It starts to work, until it’s ripped from my grip.
“What’s wrong with you?” Holden asks, holding my pillow just out of reach.
“My head.” I whine. “Now give it back, jerk.” I reach up and take my pillow back from him - holding it against my head again. Unfortunately, a few minutes later, it’s taken away again.
“Holden, will you stop?! I’m serious!” I snap at him.
He doesn’t flinch. He grabs a glass of water from my nightstand, and hands it to me, along with two pills. “Take these.”
I sit up slowly, careful not to make my headache worse, and take the glass. I take a small sip before depositing the pills into my mouth. Taking another sip, I swallow them down.
“Thank you.” I whisper. A half hour later, my headache subsides, and I fall asleep in the late hours of the afternoon.
I WAKE IN THE middle of the night, not even remotely tired. I glance at the clock. 1:47 AM. I close my eyes again, rolling over and trying to force myself back to sleep, but it’s no use. The feeling of the rice cake I ate earlier rests heavily inside my stomach. I sit up and look around.
Brianna and Holden are sound asleep in Bree’s bed. Bree’s facing the wall, while Holden is snuggled up behind her, his arm draped over her waist. I can’t deny the fact that they look adorable together - the picture-perfect couple.
My stomach growls, but the last thing I want to do right now is eat. I know better than to binge in the middle of the night. I won’t be able to do anything to get rid of it. Instead, I grab socks and my sneakers and put them on, preparing myself to go for a run. Just before I leave the room, a sound stops me.
“Where are you going?” Holden asks, voice laced with sleep.
“For a run.” I answer simply, preparing myself for his lecture.
He turns around to look at the clock. “It’s like 2 AM.”
I roll my eyes. “Thank you, Father Time.” He sits up, pulling on his shirt and slipping his shoes on. “What are you doing?” I ask him.
“Coming with you.” He says as if it’s obvious.
“Uh, come again?”
He sighs and runs his fingers through his hair. “Well, judging by the look on your face, I’m not going to be able to convince you out of going, and I’ll be damned if I let you go running by yourself in the middle of the night. So, I’m coming with you.”
I shake my head. “You don’t have to do that.”
“I know, but I’m going to anyway.” He walks past me, patting my shoulder before stepping out of the room in front of me.
Well then, I guess he’s coming with me.
THE PAVEMENT BENEATH MY feet moves quickly as my lungs burst with cool, crisp air. The feeling of hunger is left forgotten somewhere back where I started. I run faster with every negative thought that comes to mind – away from it all. Holden keeps up with my pace.
“That all you’ve got?” He asks, grinning deviously.
I quicken my speed and he follows suit. The two of us take turns speeding up, inching past the other. Finally, once we’re at a full sprint, he caves and stops to catch his breath.
“What’s wrong? Can’t keep up?” I tease.
“H-how are you not e-even tired?” He pants. I giggle and shrug in response. I don’t want to tell him this is hardly the first time I’ve been running in the middle of the night.
“Come on. We’ll sit at the creek and rest for a bit.” I say, walking over to the ledge and siting down, watching the water run beneath my feet. Holden joins me. He lays back, hands behind his head, and stares up at the sky.
“It’s beautiful out here at night.” He whispers, like it’s some sort of secret.
I lay back as well and look up at the stars. There are so many, yet I know if we were away from all the light, there would be so many more.
“It is.” I respond.
The two of us lay in silence for a bit, and I start to wonder if he’s fallen asleep, until he speaks again.
“I get them too, you know.” He confesses.
I sit up and look down at him. “Get what?”
“Panic attacks.”
I’m shocked. I never would have imagined Holden Rivers having anxiety. A
fter all, what is there for him to be anxious about? He has the world at his feet and everything he could ever want.
“Oh.” I say, not knowing what else to say.
He chuckles. “Look at that, you can be speechless.”
I nudge him playfully. “I’m just surprised. I didn’t expect that.”
“No one else knows.” He tells me. “Well, no one here at least.”
“Not even Bree?” I ask.
“Not even Bree.”
I don’t know what surprises me more – that he suffers from anxiety, or that he chose to tell me over his own girlfriend. So, all this time, he really does know what I’m going through. Maybe him and I can be friends after all.
“Thank you for telling me.” I whisper, laying back down next to him.
“Thank you for listening.” He responds.
The two of us spend what feels like hours, just lying next to each other and staring up at the starry night sky. We start to name the brightest ones. Curtis, Lloyd, Holden, Kayleigh, Brianna, Emily, Brandon. We start off thinking of funny names, then move to naming them after ourselves and the closest people to us. It’s relaxing.
We get back just before sunrise. Holden slips back into bed with Brianna, careful not to wake her, and I climb back into my bed. I think about how I just spent hours with him, and shockingly, I really enjoyed it. I fall asleep with a smile on my face. Perhaps the boy who I couldn’t stand, will end up being the one who saves me.
HOLDEN STANDS IN FRONT of me, holding a muffin. I had almost forgotten about him trying to help me through my eating disorder until he came back from the café with this. I stare it down as if it’s diseased.
“Come on, Kayleigh. You have to eat it.” He tries. “You said you’d let me help you.”
“Do you know how many calories are in that thing?” I ask, disgusted.
“No, and I don’t care.” He deadpans. “Eat it.”
I get up and walk past him, going into the bathroom to try to calm myself down. I take out my phone and look up the calories in a blueberry muffin – 426.
Sleepless November (Sleepless November Saga Book 1) Page 3
