Dawson laughs, patting Holden on the back before making his way to get himself a beer. He gets me one too and passes it to me.
“Thanks.” I take a sip before Holden takes it from my hands.
“Aw, you got me another beer? Thank you!” He downs the drink quickly.
Dawson and I look at him as if he’s lost his mind, but we decide to let it slide. He’s obviously not thinking clearly. I reach up and kiss him on the cheek, telling him I’ll be right back. He nods, looking around as I gesture for Dawson to come with me.
“He’s completely trashed.” He says to me as soon as we get out of earshot.
I take one of the red cups and fill it with beer. “I’ve noticed. I don’t know what’s gotten into him. He never gets this bad.”
“He’s been taking shots since 6.” Caleb remarks, appearing next to me out of nowhere.
“SIX?!” Dawson and I shout in unison.
He nods. “Jason and I tried to get him to stop. We thought he did, but apparently not - judging by the look of him.”
I turn around to glance at Holden but he’s not where I left him. “Shit. Where did he go?” The three of us look around, not able to see him. He was just there. “Dawson and I will check the backyard. Caleb, can you check the living room?”
“Yeah, sure.”
We split up, Dawson and I each taking half the yard, searching for Holden. When I don’t see him, I decide to go back inside. Perhaps Caleb found him in the living room. As soon as I get in the house, I see Caleb and Dawson looking as if they’re arguing. From the look on Dawson’s face, I can tell he’s pissed.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, concerned.
They both turn to me and their eyes go wide. “Kayleigh, don’t go in there.” Caleb tells me.
“Why not?” Shit. Did something happen to Holden?!
I push past the two of them, ignoring Caleb’s plead for me to listen. The second I get into the living room, I see it. Holden’s sitting on the couch with a blonde girl straddling his lap – her tongue practically down his throat with his hands on her hips.
I’m frozen in place, not knowing whether to run or scream. It’s one of those instances of fight or flight, and I’m dying inside.
Chapter Twenty
I run out the door and into the yard, wanting to get as far away from that house as physically possible. The image of Holden with another girl is burned into my mind like a bad nightmare. I can faintly hear Dawson calling my name behind me, but I don’t stop – I can’t. Stopping would mean dealing with this, and that isn’t something I’m willing to do right now.
Maintaining a steady pace, I jog my way from Kappa Delta Phi to my dorm room. The pavement moves quickly beneath my feet, reminding me why I’ve always loved to run when I have too much on my mind. It’s an escape – from all the negative thoughts, the calories I’ve consumed, the girls Holden has slept with, the broken promises in my life.
By the time that I get to my destination, I can feel my phone vibrating incessantly in my pocket. I take it out, completely ignoring all the calls and messages from Caleb, Jason, and Holden. I open a text from Dawson asking me where I went and if I’m okay. I quickly type a response, telling him I’m safe and I’ll call him tomorrow. For all I know, he’s still with Holden, and I don’t want him knowing where I am – especially while he’s drunk.
For the first time in weeks, I enter my dorm room. It’s a bitter sweet feeling. The last time I was here was when I was grabbing more clothes to bring to Holden’s. We purposely waited until Brianna had class – that way he could help me without awkward tension. He did his best to make the situation easier to deal with. After all, I lost someone who I considered to be a close friend.
I ignore the image of a shell-shocked Bree, and immediately dive onto my bed. As soon as my head hits the pillow, the tears pour out like a waterfall. The self-criticizing comments run through my head repeatedly.
You’re so stupid for thinking you were enough for him. He probably made out with her because you’re fat. Why would someone like him be with someone like you? Silly girl, you should have known better.
Sitting up, I ransack my nightstand trying to find some of my anxiety medicine. My panic attack is building quickly and I need it now more than ever. I can’t remember if I brought it all to Holden’s, or if I left some here. As I tear apart the drawer, I’m faced with the reality that I may have to deal with this without it.
“Here.” Bree says, handing me a prescription bottle.
“Thanks.” I reply, slowly taking it from her and seeing that it’s mine.
She smiles sadly. “You had given me some to hold onto for you, remember?”
Now that she mentions it, I do. I wanted her to keep some in case of an emergency. Thankfully, she didn’t get rid of them. I pop open the bottle and take one out, putting it between my lips as I go get a bottle of water. As soon as I swallow the pill, I get back into my bed.
“Is everything okay?” She asks. I don’t answer, sobbing uncontrollably. “Did Holden do something?”
I look up at her through my tears. I’m half expecting to see her smirking, but to my surprise, there’s nothing but sympathy and worry in her eyes. Even when she has every right to be a bitch, she’s a total sweetheart.
“Can you say you’re surprised?” I respond. “I guess it’s what I get. Karma’s a bitch, right?”
She sighs, sitting down on the bed next to me. “Kayleigh, no one deserves to get hurt. I don’t care what happened between us. No one deserves that.”
She opens her arms and I go willingly. She rubs my back as I cry into her sweatshirt. She always has been the best shoulder to cry on.
“Come on. Let’s get you changed and then we’ll talk.” Bree helps me up so I can get into something more comfortable.
We end up talking about everything that has gone on since we stopped talking. She’s shocked to hear that I went home with him for Thanksgiving. Apparently, he had never even mentioned his family to her. I don’t tell her about his past, still respecting his privacy - despite his lack of respect for me. When I describe what happened tonight, she becomes angry.
“He’s such a fucking asshole.” She rants. “Why can’t he just treat someone right?! Why the fuck does he have to go and make out with anything with a mouth?!”
I don’t respond, just letting the tears fall at the thought of it. In spite of everything, I still wish I was with him right now. I want to be able to rewind time and keep this from happening. We’d probably be wrapped up in each other’s arms by now, comfortably tucked into bed. Oh, how I wish that was the case.
After a few hours of tossing and turning, I fall asleep – too exhausted to do anything else. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t dream of happier times on a boardwalk in Jersey.
I WAKE IN THE morning to a loud banging on the door. Luckily, Bree is already awake. She gets up and walks over to the door, groaning as soon as she opens it.
“What do you want, Holden?” She scoffs.
“Is Kayleigh here?” It sounds more like a plead than a question.
She looks over to me and I shake my head immediately. I don’t know if I can handle talking to him right now. I don’t even know what I would say. Everything’s still such a mess in my head.
“She doesn’t want to see you.”
Holden pushes past Bree and into the room, completely ignoring her yelling at him to get the fuck out. I sit up, my eyes still red and puffy from crying.
“Shit, Kayleigh. I’m so sorry.” He rushes over to me but I push him away.
“Go away, Holden.”
He pulls back as if he’s been burned, but doesn’t let up. “Please. We need to talk about this.”
I roll my eyes. “I don’t need to do anything except get ready for work. Just go.”
“Will you come home after?”
My breath hitches at the sound of his place being my home. No, that’s his home, not yours.
“I am home.”
He closes his e
yes and takes a deep breath before nodding. When he looks at me again, I don’t miss the tear that slides down his cheek.
“Okay. Well, I’m sorry, and when you’re ready, I hope you’ll come talk to me.”
Holden walks backwards to the door, watching me with every step he takes until he must turn around.
“Do you feel anything? Breaking girls’ hearts like it’s your job. Don’t you have a conscience?” Bree asks with venom in her tone.
He doesn’t answer, instead taking one last look at me before leaving the room. As soon as he’s gone, I break into pieces again – sobbing into my pillow. Brianna doesn’t do much except rub my back and ask me if I need anything. She knows there isn’t much she can do, having been in this spot before. I must admit though, I’m glad she’s here.
After throwing a self-pity party for an hour, I finally force myself up and into the shower. I have a shift to work today and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let Holden Rivers ruin anything else for me.
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN he would come here. If I wasn’t on a shift with Dawson, I wouldn’t know what to do. Thankfully, as soon as he saw him walk through the door, he switched places with me – making it so I wouldn’t have to talk to him.
“Holden, you need to leave.” Dawson tells him.
He exhales, clearly getting frustrated. “I just need to talk to her.”
“She doesn’t want to talk to you.”
I do my best to avoid eye contact with him. The last thing I need, is to start crying in the middle of a crowded coffee house.
“She needs to know what happened. Did you tell her what happened?!”
“No. I haven’t had a chance, but you’re not doing any good by being here.”
What the hell are they talking about? What happened?
“I want her to tell me to leave. If she tells me to leave, I’ll leave.”
Dawson sighs, coming over to me and placing his hand on my shoulder. “What do you want to do?”
I take a deep breath and walk over to the counter. Looking up at him, I immediately feel the rush of emotions I was trying to avoid. It’s overwhelming. His eyes are pleading for me to listen. Still, we’re in public and this is not the place for this conversation.
“Kayleigh.” He whispers my name like a prayer.
I swallow, holding myself together by a thread. “You need to leave, Holden.” The words physically pain me to say. “I want you to leave.”
He looks as if he’s just as distraught as I am, standing there staring back at me – not moving an inch. For a minute, I begin to wonder if I’m overreacting. We aren’t dating, so do I really have a right to be mad?
Our agreement plays in my head. “Okay. No kissing other people. That’s fine.”
Yeah, I do.
“Please. Just leave.” I repeat in hushed tones, afraid if I speak any louder, I’ll break.
He bites his quivering lip before nodding and turning around. He walks out the door, only sparing a second look at me before climbing into his car. A feeling of despair washes over me as I watch him drive away, and it’s only seconds before I’m a blubbering mess once again.
THE NEXT COUPLE OF days pass at an agonizingly slow pace. I try to focus on studying for finals, but my mind keeps going back to Holden. We haven’t spoken since he showed up at my job, and there’s so much left unsaid. Yet, I still don’t know what to say.
“Do you want these muffins before I throw them away?” Dawson asks me, getting ready to close for the night.
I shake my head. One of the side effects from dealing with all this sadness, is a complete relapse into my eating disorder. I haven’t been as bad as I once was, with tracking calories and staying below a ridiculously unhealthy goal. However, I know I’m not eating nearly as much as I’m supposed to be. I guess that’s what happens when you lack an appetite and don’t have an overly attentive jock up your ass.
“Can you give me a ride home?” I ask as I hear the rain pouring down onto the roof.
Dawson is quiet before speaking in a tone that screams he’s up to something. “Yeah, about that.”
“What?” I say impassively.
“You, kind of, already have a ride.”
He nods his head toward the door just as it swings open. I stay completely still, knowing that if I turn around I’m going to find Holden standing there – and I don’t know if I’m ready for that. My eyes bore into Dawson, wondering why in the world he would set me up like this. He must read my mind because he puts his hands up defensively at my stare.
“I’m sorry, okay? It’s just, you’re both completely miserable and I really think you need to talk.”
As much as I hate being blindsided, he has a point. Him and I do need to talk - get all of this out into the open. We’re at a crossroads and we need to figure out where we go from here. No matter what the outcome may be, I know we can’t leave things like this.
Chapter Twenty One
I slowly turn around and let my eyes run over Holden for the first time in three days. He looks as if he hasn’t slept a minute. His hair is drenched from the rain, clinging to his forehead and freshly wiped from his eyes. The sweatpants he’s wearing make him look incredibly soft, but also tell me he’s been just as upset as I have.
“Hi.” I breathe.
“I’m just gonna go… anywhere but here.” Dawson says to no one before slipping out the door.
Holden gestures toward the couch in the corner. “Can we sit?” I nod and lead the way over, sitting down as soon as I get there. He sits down next to me. The distance between us is a harsh reminder of how different things are right now. I burrow myself deeper into my sweatshirt, suddenly feeling insanely self-conscious.
“I’m so sorry.” He starts. “You have to know, I never meant for that to happen.”
I roll my eyes. “But it did happen. We had an agreement. No kissing other people. I mean, if you want to hook up with someone else, then that’s your choice. It’s not like we’re together, but…”
“Don’t.” He cuts me off. “Don’t downplay what we have. You and I both know it’s more than just friends with benefits.”
My heart skips a beat and my breathing slows. “Then why? Why her? I was in the next room. If you really needed to shove your tongue down someone’s throat you could have just come to me.”
He looks down, frowning and messing with the frayed edge of his hoodie sleeve. “I got really drunk. I was upset about missing my parents. It happens every year around the holidays. I sat down on the couch and waited for you. A girl jumped into my lap and kissed me, and in my drunken state I thought she was you.”
I laugh humorlessly. “Really Holden? Blaming it on the alcohol?”
“No.” He replies, shaking his head. “I’m blaming no one and nothing but myself. I made a colossal mistake. I just want to make it better.”
“And how are you going to do that?”
“By showing you how much you mean to me.” I stay quiet. He takes a deep breath and continues. “I’ve never felt anything close to the way I feel about you. You’re the one person I can spend every waking moment around and still feel like I need more. I can’t get close enough to you, no matter how hard I try. When I’m with you, I come alive – and when I’m not, my heart hurts.”
He’s saying all the right things, but his words are tainted by images of another girl on his lap. Everything I was trying to avoid by not dating him, happened anyway. All my safeguards still couldn’t save me from the pain of seeing him with someone else.
“I’m not asking for you to forgive and forget.” He swallows, clearly getting emotional. “I’m just asking for a chance to show you how serious I am about you.”
Can I give him that, though? Will I be able to handle another disappointment from him? I did everything I could to keep myself from getting hurt, and still wound up feeling like my heart was ripped from my chest. Nevertheless, the thought of losing him makes me feel like there’s no end to this misery. I may as well let him try to make it
better.
“I can’t just jump into a relationship with you.” I whisper. “Not yet.”
“Yet?” He asks hopefully.
I can’t help but smile at his excitement. “You have a lot of making up to do.”
A wet laugh leaves Holden’s mouth. He reaches forward, pulling me into a hug and squeezing tightly. I don’t fight him on it. Despite being hurt and angry, this is the only place I’ve wanted to be – wrapped in his arms as he kisses the top of my head. All I can do is hope I don’t regret this.
THE SILENCE IN THE room would be awkward if Bree and I weren’t both studying our asses off for finals. Since the other night, the two of us have settled our differences. It’s nice to have her back in my life. I’ve missed her witty charm.
“Ok. I have to ask.” She breaks the long lasting quiet, causing me to look up from my notes. “Have you talked to him?”
I knew this topic was bound to come up. Last night, I spent a few hours after work with Holden, but refused to sleep over. I didn’t want to jump into bed with him again and act like everything is fine. I wasn’t about to rub it in Bree’s face by bringing it up though. I just got her back, I don’t want to lose her again.
“Are you sure you want to talk about it? This isn’t weird for you?”
She waves her hand dismissively. “Please. It was months ago. I’m over it. Now, spill.”
I chuckle before explaining everything to her. The conversation with Holden and where we’re at now. She’s surprised when I tell her everything he said, but not when I tell her I’m giving him a second chance. She knows Holden and how hard he can be to resist.
“Just be careful. I don’t want to see you get hurt again.”
I give her a sad smile before we both go back to studying. To be completely honest, I’m not sure I have any control over whether I get my heart broken or not. Admitting it to myself for the first time – I am completely defenseless against Holden Rivers.
MY PHONE VIBRATES A little after five. I reach over and grab it from my nightstand, seeing a text message.
Sleepless November (Sleepless November Saga Book 1) Page 13
