I’m still finding it hard to comprehend that you just upped and left us in limbo like this and I’ve been thinking about what made you do this. I can’t stop thinking about it. I know things weren’t great between us and hadn’t been for a long time but was I that much of an ogre that you couldn’t talk to me about it? I would have understood.
I accept that our marriage is in trouble, maybe it’s even over, I don’t know. But I do know that we need to talk. And we’ve got stuff to sort out. You can’t just walk away from us. Surely you know that? Please contact me. Please, Pete.
Kate sprinted across the hallway to answer the phone. She’d been sitting at the table doing the household accounts when it started ringing. Pete had been gone for over a month now but while her world stood still, trapped in this strange, surreal nightmare, the rest of life went on as usual. The outgoings continued to disappear from their account like nothing had happened, yet the income was zero. Since they’d had children, she’d taken his income for granted but she couldn’t live off their savings forever. Whatever happened in the future, she would need to start standing on her own two feet again. It was terrifying but at the same time, she found it strangely motivating. Looking at the Excel spreadsheet that she’d created on her laptop she was feeling more proactive than she had done in weeks.
The doctor had prescribed some sleeping pills, which had taken the edge off the insomnia and made her feel more human again. Unfortunately, with sleep came nightmares. There was a recurring one she had where Pete was hanging off the edge of a cliff and she was lying on her front, holding on to him and trying to pull him back. But she knew that she wasn’t strong enough. If she stayed holding on to him, she would eventually be pulled down with him. If she let go, he would plunge to his death, but she would save herself. In the end she always let go, and immediately after she would wake up in a clammy sweat, her heart racing. She would turn to look at the empty space in bed where he used to sleep before closing her eyes and breathe slowly to calm herself down. After a few minutes, she would come back to herself although she knew she wouldn’t sleep again that night. In the morning, the nightmares would be banished and she would put on her make-up and face the day. She was living a life of two halves – trying to pretend that everything was okay during the day and admitting that it was far from it at night.
She grabbed the receiver just before it stopped ringing. ‘Hello?’
‘Kate, hi, it’s Karen.’ Pete’s mum.
‘Oh, hi, Karen.’ She was the last person Kate had expected to hear from.
‘Look, I know I was short on the phone the other week. I’ve not been able to stop thinking about it. It’s just, it was a bit of a shock hearing from you after all this time.’
Kate was so surprised by the call she didn’t know how to respond at first. Finally, she replied, ‘Please don’t worry, I totally understand. I’m sorry to have bothered you.’
‘No, it’s not that. I’m glad you called. It’s just, well, it’s been hard for me, not being a part of Pete’s life, and the girls. But I always thought, as long as you’re all happy that’s what matters. So when you said he’d left, I was thrown. And bloody furious with him. You know his dad left me when my boys were young?’
‘I do.’
‘So I never thought Pete would do anything like that. He always acted like he was better than us all. But it turns out he’s not. And that, well, that was a shock.’
This was the longest conversation Kate had ever had with Karen. The call, and her honesty, had totally taken her aback. She felt herself welling up and hurriedly tried to compose herself.
‘Have you heard from him yet?’ Karen asked.
‘No, I’m afraid not.’
‘I’m sorry to hear that, Kate, I really am. How are the girls?’
The girls had asked about Pete almost constantly in the first few weeks – when will Daddy be back? Can we call him? Why isn’t he home yet? Each time she’d found an excuse. It was absolutely exhausting, and heart-breaking. But then something strange had happened. A few days ago, they’d stopped asking. It was as if they’d accepted that he wasn’t around and that was that. Children were so adaptable it was terrifying. Yet she was on constant alert, waiting for the inevitable questions to come again, trying to plan her response. At some point the business trip excuse wouldn’t wash anymore. She was going to have to tell them something else and she wasn’t quite ready for it yet.
‘The girls are okay. Well, Lily broke her leg, but to be honest she’s been absolutely loving it. She sits on the sofa, being waited on hand and foot, while friends come round with presents and cake. I’m sending her back to school on Monday: she’s a dab hand with those crutches.’
‘Oh poor love,’ Karen replied. ‘Pete broke his arm when he was a kid. Fell awkwardly during a football tackle. He was a right drama queen about it.’
Both women laughed.
‘How’s Maggie?’
‘Oh she’s fine, a bit of a green-eyed monster over the fact that Lily’s getting all the attention but other than that she’s her usual mischievous self.’
‘I was thinking,’ Karen said. She sounded nervous. ‘Well, I’d really love to see them. I know you’re not keen and I understand why. I wasn’t the best mother to Pete, I get that. But, well, they’re my grandchildren and I’ve changed, I really have. I guess age does that to you.’
Karen thought it was Kate who didn’t want to see her? Where did she get that idea from? ‘Karen, I’d love for you to meet the children. I’ve suggested it to Pete more than once. What made you think I wasn’t keen?’
‘Pete told me. He said that you didn’t want me to be in their lives.’
Fucking Pete. She felt another rush of anger towards him. What was he playing at, making her the baddie? It had all been him, not her. But inviting Karen into their lives now, wasn’t that a mistake? Surely the last thing she needed right now was a reminder of Pete in her life. And what would the girls say? Wouldn’t it confuse them and make them miss their dad even more? The whole thing seemed like a bad idea. She should just make the right noises about how lovely that would be and end the call without actually making any concrete plans.
But then, on a strange impulse she found herself saying, ‘I never said that, Karen. I’m so very sorry that you thought that. How about next weekend?’
After she had hung up the phone, she sat on the hallway floor for a minute, wondering what the hell she’d just done. Karen had been really pleased by the invitation and, after asking what kind of toys the girls were into at the moment, she’d hung up cheerily, telling Kate she couldn’t wait to see them all. What kind of idiot invites the estranged mother of their estranged husband to their home? Yet, despite how furious she was with Pete, the truth was that she wasn’t ready to let go of him and talking to his mum had made her feel connected to him. It had brought a strange and unexpected comfort and she realised that she still craved a link to Pete in her life. What a tangled web. She needed some wine.
Pouring herself a glass, she sat back down at the kitchen table and turned her attention to the spreadsheet again to distract herself. The girls would be back from Erin’s house, where they’d spent the afternoon, in an hour or so. Looking at the outgoings again, she kept focusing on Rachel’s salary. It was ridiculous to be paying that much for a nanny when she didn’t even work. The time had come to face reality: she didn’t need Rachel anymore. She’d been foolish to keep her on for so long as it was, she should have let her go years ago. But could she cope on her own with the children? The idea brought back the familiar feelings of fear and doubt. What would she do to entertain them? What would she cook for them every night? Would she be enough for them? She was a terrible mum, she was incompetent, she couldn’t handle the children on her own. It would be a disaster. She took another gulp of wine.
But then another, stronger voice entered her head. What is wrong with you? You love your children and they love you. What are you so afraid of? It was time to stop this bullshit. She’d b
een hiding from reality for so long that she barely knew herself anymore. Enough, she told herself. Enough.
On Monday, Rachel arrived at the usual time like clockwork.
‘Rachel, hi,’ Kate said from the kitchen, where she was making toast. ‘Lily is going to school today so I’m going to drive. Even Little Miss Crutch Champion probably won’t make the journey on foot. And perhaps we can have a coffee afterwards?’
‘Sure,’ Rachel said amenably as she started looking around for school bags, shoes and packed lunches.
‘All done and by the front door,’ Kate called out.
‘Impressive,’ Rachel replied with a laugh.
Together, the two women helped Lily into the car and drove the short journey to school. In the playground Lily’s friends flocked around her, oohing and aahing over her cast. Lily beamed and Kate felt a surge of pride. Her little girl was going to be just fine. She got back into the car with Rachel and they returned home, where Kate made them both a coffee. Sitting down at the kitchen table, she was feeling shaky with nerves but she might as well rip the plaster off.
‘Rachel, you know how much we all love you. Christ, you pretty much saved us when you came into our lives all those years ago.’
Rachel started to object but Kate held up her hand to stop her. ‘You know you did. And we will forever be grateful to you. I hope you know how important you are to us. But the fact is that things have changed a lot since then. And it’s not even about Pete. My girls aren’t babies anymore, they’re at school and let’s face it, I don’t even have a job. It’s time for me to finally accept a truth I should have accepted long ago. We love you but you’re a luxury that we simply can’t justify. I’m so sorry.’
She wasn’t sure what to expect from Rachel – anger, tears maybe – and she braced herself for the inevitable. Rachel had every right to be disappointed.
But instead she simply nodded and took Kate’s hand in her own. ‘I completely understand, Kate, and I’m not surprised. To be honest, I’ve been expecting it for a long time. It’s been a privilege to be a part of your family and I’m going to miss you and the girls so much but it’s time for me to move on.’
‘What will you do?’ Kate asked, feeling a wave of relief. She’d done it, it was over. And Rachel’s reaction had been much better than she’d expected.
‘I’ve had a family trying to poach me for months. One of the mums at the girls’ school. She works full-time and has had a succession of unreliable nannies. Every time she sees me at the school gates, she offers me a job. It’s a decent gig, and it means I’ll still get to see Lily and Maggie. I’ll give her a call now and see if she wants to make it official.’
The two women hugged and Rachel left to make the call. Ten minutes later she was back. ‘She wants me to start immediately. I’ve told her that I have to give you at least one month’s notice…’
‘It’s fine,’ Kate interrupted. ‘It’s absolutely fine if you want to start straight away, Rachel, honestly.’
‘But what about Lily and her leg? I feel awful for leaving you in the lurch like this. I could at least wait until the cast is off and she’s walking again?’
But Kate just stood up and gave Rachel another hug. ‘It’s okay, Rachel, I’ve got this.’ And for the first time in a long time, she thought she might actually believe herself.
The girls were gutted about Rachel at first. What with their dad suddenly disappearing from their lives, then Rachel, the timing couldn’t have been much worse and she felt awful about causing so much disruption to them in such a short space of time. But then, as only children can, they’d rallied within minutes.
‘Who will take us to school?’ Lily asked, wiping her tear-stained cheeks.
‘I will, darling.’
‘Every day?’
‘Yes, every day. And I’ll pick you up. And we can go to the park or have tea at a café. It’ll be fun.’
‘Yay, Mummy is going to take us to school every day,’ Maggie started chanting, jumping up and down on the sofa. ‘Mummy is taking us to school, Mummy is taking us to school!’
‘And you’ll still see Rachel all the time,’ Kate added. ‘She’ll be working for another family whose children go to your school and she can’t wait to see you every day. And she’ll still come to your birthday parties and so on. She’ll always be in our lives.’
Kate gestured to Rachel, who had been lurking outside the door, waiting for her cue. She came in and gave both the girls a big hug. ‘Your mum’s right,’ she said. ‘You can’t get rid of me that easily, I’ll be seeing you all the time,’ and she tickled them both until they were wriggling around and shrieking with delight. Once the girls were immersed in a game of doll’s hospital the two women went back into the kitchen for a cup of tea.
‘Have you heard from Pete?’ Rachel asked her.
‘No, not a thing. I’m starting to think he’s not coming back at all.’
‘Of course he is,’ Rachel replied. ‘He wouldn’t just disappear like this, without a trace. He loves you and the kids.’
‘I thought so too but I just don’t know anymore. You know I spoke to his mum the other day. She told me that Pete had told her I didn’t want her in our lives. She’d stayed away all these years because of me. But it couldn’t have been further from the truth. I wanted her to meet the girls and to spend time with us, but every time I brought it up, Pete would get angry and tell me to leave it. I’ve been with him for so many years but maybe I didn’t know him at all.’
‘I’m sure he had his reasons,’ Rachel said, as always trying to find the best in people. ‘He must have thought it was the right thing to do, for you and the girls.’
‘Maybe,’ Kate conceded. ‘Or maybe he’s just a manipulative, lying bastard.’
Rachel’s eyes widened.
‘Sorry, Rach,’ Kate said hurriedly. ‘Not appropriate at all, it must be because you’re leaving us, I’ve gone all unprofessional on you.’
‘Not at all,’ Rachel said. ‘If my husband had left me and my kids without a word, I’d be calling him a lot worse than a bastard. It would start with a C and end with a T.’
Kate snorted with laughter. This new dynamic between them felt comfortable, as if she was in the company of a friend. ‘We must keep in touch, Rachel, we really must.’
‘Of course we will,’ Rachel replied confidently. ‘What are you going to do if he doesn’t come back?’
‘Rage, cry, rage a bit more and get on with my life, I suppose,’ she replied. ‘I’ve already started to accept that our marriage is probably over. It can’t survive something like this, I’ll never forgive him for what he’s done. And it’s more than that anyway. Things haven’t been good between us for so long and I knew it but I didn’t do anything about it. I’ve been in a weird state of denial for so long, letting life pass me by, too afraid to wake up and face the truth.’
‘And now?’
‘I don’t know, I’m still fragile, I’m still angry, upset, anxious, afraid of what the future holds. But I’ve been forced to wake up. I’ve been left on my own to deal with stuff and I’ve had to get on with it. So I have. Not always well, but at least I’m trying. As each day goes by I feel a little braver, a little more capable.’
‘Are you okay for money?’
‘Right now, yes, but it has made me realise how much I’ve relied on Pete for everything. And that’s not going to wash in the future, no matter what happens. I’m going to start looking for some freelance work again and I mean properly looking, not just designing a pretty website but never actually getting any clients. I need to start standing on my own two feet again.’
‘You’ll do it,’ Rachel said firmly.
‘I wish I had your confidence.’
‘Oh you do, Kate, you do. You just don’t know it yet.’
Would Pete be proud of me? Kate wondered, lying in bed that night and staring at the empty space next to her. Would he be impressed with how she was handling herself? At the worst possible point of her life she w
as finally starting to feel like herself again which made no sense to her at all. Perhaps none of this was real and she was just in survival mode which would make her crash and burn when the adrenaline wore off. She hoped not, she had to keep it together. Perhaps she should see a counsellor to work through some of her baggage. If she had got help earlier and started to build herself back up again would this have happened? She couldn’t have stopped him meeting this woman but perhaps he wouldn’t have been tempted by her if things were happier at home. Or perhaps it would have happened anyway – maybe their marriage had simply run its course.
While she was still furious and hurt at the way Pete had betrayed her, she realised that she didn’t feel jealous of this other woman anymore. She had at first, she’d felt it with an animal-like rage, but now she’d had time to calm down she was, in an odd way, pleased that Pete had found someone who made him happy. Clearly she didn’t anymore and he certainly hadn’t made her happy for a long time. They hadn’t had sex in what felt like years and they didn’t enjoy being around each other that much either. She loved him, yes, but not in the way she should. Had they just stayed together out of habit because they couldn’t remember any different?
If only we could have talked about it, she thought, perhaps I could have had time to calm down and we could have parted friends. Or perhaps not. She would have given him a hard time, she knew it. Maybe that’s why he’d decided to leave the way he did and the knowledge that it was her doing was a guilt she’d have to live with for the rest of her life. The saddest thing was, it was the children who were going to suffer from her mistakes. But she was going to make damn sure that she made it up to them, and that meant being the best mum they could ever have.
The Missing Husband: a tense psychological suspense full of twists Page 10
