After Karen had left, Erin had come over with a bottle of bubbles and they’d staged an impromptu Christmas party in the living room, dancing around like loons until Lily and Maggie were so exhausted that they’d had to carry them up to their beds. The two girls were asleep before their heads had even hit the pillows.
Back downstairs, the sisters clinked glasses.
‘How are you doing? I mean REALLY doing?’ Erin asked.
‘I don’t know, Erin. One minute I’m absolutely fine, good even, and then the next it hits me like a ton of bricks again. I guess it’ll be like that for some time. I’ve spent weeks, months, analysing our marriage and I accept that we fell out of love with each other ages ago. I’ve made peace with that. But the way it ended was just so cruel. It didn’t need to be that way, it could have been different and that’s what torments me.’
‘I get it,’ Erin nodded. ‘He could have handled it so much better. There is absolutely no excuse whatsoever for what he did. I still can’t believe it myself – all these months and he hasn’t got in touch. It beggars belief, it really does. I’ll never understand it.’
‘We both could have handled it better,’ Kate replied.
‘What do you mean?’
‘I was a terrible wife, Erin. No, don’t try to defend me, I was. Somewhere along the way I just lost myself. I had postnatal depression but I refused to admit it and the longer it went on, the less I wanted to deal with it. But I should have got help rather than glide along through life under a cloud of grey. It’s only now I realise that and I’m furious with myself for throwing away so many years of my life – and Pete’s. He did try to help me but I wouldn’t let him.’
Erin said, ‘Look, I’ve always been fond of Pete but I don’t think he was there for you when you needed him, I really don’t. He just wanted you to be fine, like everyone else, he didn’t want to accept that you weren’t. He should have tried harder to help you. We all should have done. I feel absolutely horrendous that I didn’t do more, too.’
Kate was shocked to see that her sister was crying. ‘Erin, this is not your fault!’
‘This is all of our faults. Everyone who ever loved you. We should have been there for you more and I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.’
‘Oh, Erin, you daft cow.’ Kate embraced her sister and allowed her own tears to come too, until they were both weeping and laughing at each other. ‘This is no one’s fault but mine, do you understand me? No one’s but mine.’
A thought came to her, something buried in her mind from a few months previously. ‘Erin, there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you. When I told you Pete had left, I had a feeling that you weren’t that shocked really. Am I right?’
Erin regarded her sister for a moment. ‘I’d suspected for a long time that things weren’t great between you and Pete. Whenever I saw you together you seemed like polite strangers, like you were co-existing but the love had gone. I don’t think anyone else noticed but I’m your sister and I know when things aren’t right. But whenever I tried to bring it up you always shut me down so I figured you didn’t want to talk about it. I just hoped that you guys would sort it out between you eventually.’
Erin paused, took a deep breath and then continued. ‘But in the months before he left, he seemed different. I don’t know, happier, more perky is the only way I can describe it. Like he had a new zest for life. But you didn’t. If anything you seemed more withdrawn. So I began to suspect he was seeing someone else.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ Kate was shocked.
‘Because I had absolutely no proof whatsoever, Kate. It was a hunch, that was all. And I hoped to God that I was wrong. I feel terrible now, believe me.’
Kate’s outrage subsided as quickly as it had arrived. This was hardly her sister’s fault. ‘The stupid thing is that I didn’t suspect it. It’s so obvious now looking back that something was going on. He was staying out later and later on “client dinners”, disappearing off with his phone sometimes, and he could barely touch me. I remember one time we tried to have sex for the first time in ages and he couldn’t even get it up. Yet I just ignored it all. I didn’t want to know, to be honest. It’s only now that I see it.’
‘You look bloody good on it though,’ Erin replied, and Kate snorted in response. ‘I’m serious, Kate, you’ve been through hell and back over the last few months but look at you! You’ve taken control of your life – you’ve finally told Rachel to move on, become a super-mum, you’re seeing a therapist, you’re going back to work. I think you’re amazing. If this is what Pete going AWOL does to you then I’m all for it!’
Only her sister could get away with saying something like that. ‘Like I said, Erin, our marriage was already over and I’m much happier now that I’ve accepted that and started standing on my own two feet again. I can’t believe how insecure I had become. Do you know, I was terrified of spending time alone with my girls? I was terrified because I didn’t know how to be around them. It was so much easier with Rachel, it all just came naturally to her and I envied that so much. I’ve felt like the worst mother in the world for so many years that I had no idea what it was like to not feel that way.’
‘And now?’
‘I understand now that all I need to do is just be with them, that’s all. It doesn’t need to be great adventures or grand plans all the time, just be with them, that’s all they want really. And actually, I’ve loved them since the day they were born and although I’ve not always been the greatest mother, they’ve turned out pretty good.’
‘If you ever need a break, you know I’m here for you, right?’
‘Thanks, Erin, but I’ve had enough breaks. I’ve sat at home on my sorry arse missing too much as it is. I want to spend as much time with them as possible.’
And on Christmas Day, that’s what she’d done. They’d spent the whole day cocooned in their house together, their new little gang, the three amigos, opening and playing with presents, cooking a turkey with all the trimmings and collapsing on the sofa to watch a Disney film. And although the girls still asked if Daddy was coming home, and although Kate felt horrific gently telling them no, Daddy was not coming home but he loved them so very much, they had a good day.
In the New Year, she’d started Operation Back To Work with a vengeance and within a few weeks she’d agreed terms with her old client and had started working on her first campaign in over seven years. The thought of actually asking someone to pay her for her expertise was still daunting but she knew it would get easier. She just had to take it one step at a time and today’s step was sending that press release off to her client. Looking at the clock she realised that she had to pick the girls up from school in fifteen minutes. Grabbing her keys and trainers, she legged it for the door and began power walking up the street. On the way to school, she saw Nadia.
‘Well hello, stranger!’ Nadia said, crossing the road to walk with Kate. ‘We haven’t seen you for ages.’
‘Yes, I’m sorry, I’ve been so busy. I’m working again and it’s taking up a lot of my time.’
‘That’s wonderful, Kate, good for you!’ Nadia smiled warmly. Kate felt bad about the fact that she’d been avoiding her. She wasn’t a bad person really.
‘Listen, we’re having the usual gang over for dinner on Saturday, we’d love for you to join us. Do you think Erin would babysit?’
The last thing she wanted to do on Saturday night was to be surrounded by happy couples, all watching her closely for signs of a mental breakdown.
‘Thanks for the invite, Nadia, I really appreciate it, but we’re actually going away this weekend.’
‘Ooh, anywhere nice?’
Kate had no idea, she’d just thought of it on the spot. Impulsively, she replied, ‘I’m taking the girls down to see their granny.’
‘Your mum?’
‘Actually, no, Pete’s mum.’
Nadia raised her eyebrows. ‘Pete’s mum?’
‘Yes, we’re back in touch. She’s really lovely, actuall
y, we’ve seen her a couple of times. The girls adore her.’
‘What do you think Pete would say about that?’ Nadia knew from past dinner party conversations that Pete didn’t have a good relationship with his mother.
‘Quite frankly, Nadia, Pete isn’t here so he can fuck right off.’
Nadia looked taken aback. ‘I’m sorry, Kate, I didn’t mean to offend you.’
‘Oh no, don’t worry, you didn’t.’ Kate smiled sweetly back at her. ‘You didn’t at all.’
In the playground she bumped into Lottie. ‘Hey, I was hoping to see you,’ she told her. ‘Would you and Ava like to come over after school next Friday?’
‘We’d love to,’ Lottie said.
The girls ran out of school and launched themselves at her. Laughing, she hugged them both before unearthing the snacks that she’d brought with her. As the girls played with their friends for a few moments, she pulled out her phone and typed a quick text message to Karen.
Fancy some visitors this weekend?
Her mother-in-law called her back on the way home. ‘Hi, Kate, what a lovely surprise to hear from you. I’d love that. When were you thinking of coming?’
After making the arrangements Kate hung up and told the girls that they were going to Granny’s on Saturday.
‘Will Daddy be there?’ Maggie asked. The question instantly killed her buzz. They asked about him less frequently now, so she’d stopped being on constant alert for it. Before she had a chance to reply, Lily piped up, ‘No, Maggie, remember, Daddy isn’t here anymore. He’s gone away to be happy.’
She wanted to cry. Instead, she put her arms around her eldest daughter, gave her a squeeze and said, ‘Who fancies pizza for dinner?’
18
Pete
Pete looked at the rolling French countryside stretching out before him and felt at once both utter contentment and nagging guilt over what he was doing. Leafing through the photos of Claire’s dad’s house which she’d put on the little table between them, he closed his eyes and tried to push all his fears and worries out of his mind and focus on the job at hand. What did he want to do with his life?
They’d gone to France together for a few days to do a recce. And he had to admit, he liked what he saw. Claire’s dad’s house was in a bit of a state, but he could see the potential. And the whole area was just stunning. He could feel the stress and tension of London life ease away with every hour he spent there.
He had accepted the job and handed in his notice at work the previous week. He had six weeks to decide what to do next. He knew he could still just tell Kate he had got a new job and carry on with his life. She’d be confused as to why he hadn’t told her about the interviews but he was sure he could fudge it somehow and tell her that he didn’t think he’d have a chance of getting it and he hadn’t wanted to tempt fate.
Accepting the job was not, on its own, confirmation that he was going to leave her as far as he was concerned. Coming to France with his lover to consider the possibility of moving there permanently was quite another matter. All he wanted to do right now was to sit back, relax and enjoy the time away with Claire but he knew that she had other things on her mind. Inevitably, discussions would need to be had about their future.
He was so confused. Every time he decided that he was definitely going to leave Kate, something would happen that would change his mind. He oscillated back and forth, sometimes within minutes. He wasn’t stupid, he knew what he was throwing away and the hurt that he would cause to his wife and children but on the other hand, he deserved to be happy. He had every damn right to be happy. And being with Claire made him so blissfully happy in a way that he hadn’t felt with Kate for years. He honestly didn’t think he’d ever find it again with Kate and it was unfair to her for him to stay when he felt like that. She deserved better too and with a bit of time, he was sure that she’d realise it was for the best. Perhaps she’d meet someone – someone who did a better job of making her happy than he had. Because one thing he knew for sure, she’d been bloody miserable for years. Still, it didn’t make the whole thing any easier.
That evening, over dinner at the new restaurant in the village, Claire asked her first gently probing question. ‘So, Pete, what do you think?’
‘I love it,’ he replied honestly. ‘I love the house, I love the village and I love the whole laid-back vibe.’
‘Enough to live here?’
He thought very carefully about his answer. Right now, feeling pleasurably mellow on a few glasses of excellent red wine after a blissful afternoon, he literally couldn’t think of anywhere else he’d rather be. So he spoke the words that he was feeling, even though he knew that in the cold light of day he might regret them. ‘Enough to live here, yes.’
She squealed and reached for both his hands. ‘Oh, Pete, I’m so excited!’
He smiled at her. ‘Me too.’
‘It’ll be amazing, I’m telling you. You won’t regret it. We are going to have the best life here and I am going to make you one very happy man.’
There were so many things that they needed to talk about if they were going to have a future together. He’d never spoken to her about kids – did she like them? Did she want any of her own? There was no way he was having any more children, he was done with nappies and sleepless nights. But what if she did? And how much effort was she prepared to make with Lily and Maggie? They would always be in his life and it was important to him that she understood that. Did she expect them to get married at some point? He wasn’t sure he had it in him for another wedding. These were fundamental questions, he knew, but right now he wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answers. All he wanted to do was drink wine, eat glorious food and have a wonderful evening with the woman he loved. The rest could wait for now.
But he didn’t change his mind after all. Even when he woke up the next day with a slight red wine hangover, he’d turned to look at Claire, sleeping soundly next to him and he still felt the same. He wanted to move to France with her and have a new, better life. And now that he’d decided he could relax, enjoy the next couple of days and put off dealing with the reality of it all until he got back home.
But time always flies when you’re having fun and within what felt like seconds, he was in a taxi on his way home from the airport. His bubble of bliss had burst, sending him back down to the real world with a resounding thump. As they said goodbye, he had kissed Claire deeply and told her that he was going to set the wheels in motion immediately. She had looked at him with such delight that he could still picture her face now. But as soon as he put his key in the lock and the children rushed up to him, shouting ‘Daddy, Daddy, Daddy,’ he knew that now wasn’t the right time. He enveloped them in a hug before looking up to greet Kate, who had emerged from the kitchen and was leaning up against the bannister.
‘Good trip?’ she asked him.
‘It was all right, you know how these things are. A bit dull and a lot of schmoozing people but it has to be done.’
‘Well, welcome home,’ she said, smiling at him.
‘How have things been here?’
‘Oh fine, nothing to report, same old,’ she replied. ‘I’ll carry on with dinner.’ And with that she turned and walked back into the kitchen. He was hardly expecting balloons and a welcome back banner but her dismissiveness of him strengthened his resolve. This is the right decision, he thought. There’s no love or affection here anymore. But then he looked down at his two daughters, gazing up at him adoringly and fighting for his attention and he felt awful all over again. This was exhausting. He peeled the children off him and followed them into the living room, collapsing on to the sofa and staring at the TV, which was halfway through a My Little Pony film. They both jumped up next to him and snuggled down. He closed his eyes, just for a second, and before he knew it he was fast asleep.
The next day, Claire messaged him to tell him that she had given notice on the flat and told the temp agency that she was leaving. It was so easy for her, she had no real responsib
ilities at home. But he had to decide how to end his marriage and in the meantime, he had to act totally normally around his family. And to make matters worse, they had that bloody holiday to Greece coming up and he couldn’t think of a way out of it. He was dreading telling Claire about it.
‘Why can’t you just leave her now? You’ve made up your mind, so there’s no point prolonging the agony.’ Claire had said when they met up a few days later. ‘Just do it now and come and live with me in the flat until we move in a few weeks.’
‘It’s tempting, Claire, it is, but I have some things I need to sort out, loose ends to tie up. Look, I know it’s hard for you but we’re doing this, we’re moving to France so bear with me for a little bit longer and it will all be worth it, I promise.’
He didn’t mention Greece. In truth, the reason he hadn’t done it yet was because he was terrified. Terrified of telling Kate, of seeing the hurt in his children’s eyes as he tried to explain that Daddy was moving away, and terrified that he was making a colossal mistake. Sometimes he felt so overwhelmingly certain that this was the right thing to do and other times he literally thought that he was going to have a panic attack about it all. Often it just felt surreal, like he was dreaming and at some point he’d wake up and realise that none of this was actually happening to him. As days turned into weeks and the moving date inched ever closer, he still failed to tell Kate he was leaving her and the children started chattering excitedly about the upcoming holiday. They were due to fly the following week.
The Missing Husband: a tense psychological suspense full of twists Page 15
