“Thought you couldn’t watch,” I stuttered over the rhythm of our bodies.
“I can’t watch you come,” he huffed without blinking.
“But I’m going to come. Oh, god, Will.”
His pelvis ground exactly where I needed it. Will ducked his head and licked my nipples when I clawed desperately at his back, but I knew his gaze was on my face when my eyes fell shut and my back went rigid in ecstasy.
Will waited until I went limp, then took me so hard that I had to grip his shoulders to keep from sliding up the carpet. He kissed my neck and murmured, “The agent of my downfall,” in the breath before he pulsed deep and collapsed.
We lay together in silence a long time. I stroked his hair and smiled at the ceiling with a deep, to-the-bones sense of satisfaction. My nemesis. You brought me down, too. I wanted to tell him, but the quiet was too big to try to fill with words. Instead, I held him close and hoped he knew.
After forever, he stirred and sat up. “Are you hungry?”
“Starving.”
“Do you want to go eat?”
My eyes widened. I caught my lip in my teeth and blinked as I put on my best valley girl voice. “You, like, want to take me out? On a date?”
“Forget it. Forget I said anything.” He stepped into his boxers and collapsed in the chair.
I laughed. “I’ll be down in thirty.”
16
Will
Liv. Liv and I. We just—
My phone vibrated and shattered my stupor. Tom’s name appeared on the screen, and I went cold all over. He was the last person I wanted to think about in that moment. I don’t believe in fate, but fuck’s sake. Is this some kind of penalty fee?
I took a deep breath and steadied my voice. “What’s up?”
“Hey, man, good news. Just got called off my shift for the night! Wondered if you and Liv were up to anything. Thought maybe either or both of y’all might want to hang out with us. Liv probably knows the perfect spot.
“Oh, yeah. Sounds good.”
“I tried calling her, but she didn’t answer. Can you pass the message?”
“Sure thing.”
“Call me back okay?”
“Got it.”
Her footsteps on the stairs made me turn as I disconnected the call. As usual, her beauty stunned me silent. What was unusual was that this time, I didn’t try to hide it.
She wore a long summer dress and sandals. Her hair was pulled back in a knot. Her lips were painted dark red, but that didn’t matter nearly as much as the shy smile she wore as she gazed back at me.
“You look stunning.”
“This old thing?” She tried to toss her hair but seemed to forget it was tied back. A self-deprecating cringe wrinkled her nose and made my heart jump.
“Um, were you on the phone?”
I’d nearly forgotten. My smile grew thin as I nodded. “Tom was called off his shift. Asked if you and/or I wanted to go out with them. He said you’d know a place.”
Her expression fell before she could hide it, so I twisted my lips in agreement. Taking her out on a date held a certain reckless thrill, but alas.
“Sounds great. I’ll just go change in that case. Tell Tom The Five Spot in forty-five minutes.”
As she turned to go back upstairs, I grasped her wrist and spun her straight into my arms. The way she melted into my body made me lightheaded, but I kept it together to say, “What are the odds I can get a raincheck after CrossFit Wednesday?”
“Fair to good,” she said. Her kiss said something a lot more certain.
I released her, and she disappeared again. Twenty minutes later, she was back.
“Good lord,” was all I could say. Now she wore a short green dress with a black leather jacket and little boots. Her hair was pulled up high and curly—it definitely wasn’t curly before. The red lipstick was refreshed.
“Good lord that was fast, or good lord this is a better outfit than the first?”
“Not better, just different. And yes fast. How did you do that?”
She laughed at me and led the way to my car.
I tucked her into the passenger seat, but by the time my door shut she was sitting rigidly, fingers knotted in her lap.
My stomach lurched. All the worries I ever held about such a moment were too close to reality. Don’t regret it Liv. No regrets, beautiful. “You okay?”
She blinked and crooked her lips. “Yeah, I’m not about to tuck and roll out, swear. Just... it’s a lot.”
“I know.”
She unknotted her fingers, so I started the car and navigated to East Nashville and the bar. Tom and Erin were waiting for us when we arrived. I killed the engine and put my hand on the door.
“Wait.”
I paused. We both stared through the window as she said, “Let’s just go have some more fun. I don’t regret anything, and I don’t want to spend the night all awkward and weird. So, let’s not, okay?”
All the air left my lungs; I couldn’t try to be subtle. “Agreed on all counts.”
That easy. Liv made a potentially painful night of tension disappear with a few words. I didn’t have to analyze or theorize on how to act or what she was feeling. God, that woman was magical.
Magical and honest. We staked a table and ordered a round and some food, and it was simply a continuation of the afternoon. Liv chatted with Erin. Tom and I bullshitted and listened to the band. That easy. That fun.
When we’d finished our tacos and fries—delicious bar food after a day of drinking—Liv grabbed Erin’s hand and escorted her to the dance floor. Tom and I watched, our conversation trailing off as the ladies danced together. Erin had been pink-faced and giggly most of the day, but I didn’t expect her to be so comfortable dancing with another woman. She rested her arms on Liv’s shoulders and swayed to the music.
“Wow. They’re having fun.”
I smirked at Tom’s attempt at decorum. “You’re the only person in this place of any gender who isn’t allowed to admit that they’re hot. I respect and pity you all at once.”
He punched my shoulder, and I laughed.
“You are also the lucky bastard who has the right to cut in. Don’t forget that.”
Tom’s eyes gleamed. “Excellent observation, asshole. Excuse me.”
My attention lasered in on Liv while Tom wound his way through the crowd. When he got to them, Liv twirled Erin into his arms and stepped back. She swayed to the beat as she cut through the dancers, headed back to the table.
God, how does she move like that? I’d had the thought as she rode my lap earlier, but this was quite different. Olivia Milani moved through a throng of people with such confidence and energy that it was as if everyone stepped aside to make room. I got the sense she didn’t realize her own power, and that made me envy and admire her all the more. I had no problem leading a meeting or being in a crowd, but to do it right required analysis and strategy, collection of data points at all times as I tried to gauge the mood. I was good at all those things because I’d trained myself to be. Liv’s talents were innate. Maybe she really is magical.
Whatever she was, she was headed my way. And, when she caught my gaze, there was no mistaking the way her expression lit up. After so many years of watching her acknowledge me with apathy or irritation, there were no words to describe what that happiness did to me.
She ducked her head as she perched in the chair. Are you shy around me now, Liv? How interesting. I understood it, though. Given all that the week had held, if I let myself, I could turn into a stuttering geek in front of her just like our first meeting.
“Why didn’t you come dance?”
I cocked my head at the question. “I never dance. While it is rather fun to imagine letting you show me how, I’m not sure that could be easily explained.”
She flashed a smile as I emphasized the word fun, but her reply wasn’t a tease. “I’d love to show you how.”
The idea of dancing with Liv winked through my mind, even though I r
eally didn’t know how to dance at all. Blood rushed to my groin. Now there’s a fantasy I’d never envisioned before. “Oh yeah? And what else would you like, Liv?”
“Um.” Her wide eyes and short breath told me the answer.
The want in her look shut down a part of my brain. Erin and Tom were deep in the crowd, oblivious to everything but each other. I pushed my chair back and turned to the exit. “Follow me.”
She hurried to catch up. I caught her wrist and power-walked us outside and around the corner.
“What are we—”
But her question died as I pinned her against the building and claimed her with a kiss. The bass from inside set the rhythm of my pulse as she hooked her leg around mine and melted into me, groaning when I held her tighter.
I could feel her body against mine, her lips, her hands. I couldn’t, however, be sure I was standing on firm ground. Nothing about this moment seemed real. Nothing about it fit into the scope of my life at all.
“I don’t dance.” I pressed my hips against hers and sucked a kiss on her neck. “I also don’t kiss in public, Olivia.”
She groaned and laughed all at once. “Then what’s this?”
I flexed again when she sucked on my earlobe. “Insanity.”
She slid her fingers into my hair and caught my gaze. “Insanity indeed.”
When we finally slowed down, I focused on her in the light of the streetlamp.
She flashed a sly smile and touched my lips. “You’re pretty good at kissing in public for a novice. Lipstick all over your face gives you some cred, too. That’s dirty hot.”
I licked my lips, suddenly self-conscious. “It’s noticeable?”
“Yup.”
“It’s hot?”
“Oh yeah.”
“I don’t think you understand. This is not me, Liv.”
Her brow furrowed. “What does that mean?”
I caressed her cheek. “I’m not sure, but I’m very interested in finding out.”
When I lowered my hand, she caught it and squeezed hard. “I’m interested in that, too.”
She barely finished the sentence before I had her in my arms again.
Too soon, she groaned and twisted away. “Mm, come on boy, we’ve got to get back.”
I growled, but I let her pull me back to the entrance.
As soon as we walked in, I spotted Tom and Erin at the table. Liv’s hand disappeared from my grip. She all but shoved me toward the bathroom. “Go wash your face,” she instructed, but I needed no coaching.
I wiped the streaks of Liv from my mouth, sorry that I had to. Once I’d straightened my shirt and returned to the table, she was already there with a bourbon in hand.
“There you guys are. What have you been up to, Livi? Your lipstick’s all gone.”
She scowled at her brother through a sip. “So? I’ve had dinner and drinks. Gah, Thomas, what are you suggesting?”
He held up both hands and chuckled. “Nothing, sis, just teasing you is all!”
Stop blushing, Liv, it gives you away. I tried not to smile as she poked her tongue at him. Tom shook his head at me, so I smirked at their exchange and said nothing.
“On that note, I think Erin and I will take off. Will, you don’t mind taking Liv home, do you?” Tom looked back and forth between us.
His simple question emphasized the implication of him being gone all night. I shrugged. “Not at all.”
“Don’t bother. I’ll probably hang out and dance awhile more.” Liv’s disinterest was spot-on.
Tom nodded. “Okay, whatever y’all decide. Have a good one, guys.”
Erin kissed Liv’s cheek, and they were gone. As soon as we saw the door close behind them, she grabbed my hand. “Come, boy.”
My stomach clenched as she led me to the dance floor. “I don’t—”
She turned around and put her hands on my arms. “You do right now. Just move with me.”
When Liv decided she was going to do something, there was usually no talking her out of it. The band played some lighthearted indie pop song that I vaguely recognized. Its beat was simple enough. I shuffled my feet, mostly shifting my weight from one to the other as she swayed against me. Although I’d hardly call my moves dancing, Liv beamed at me and put my hands on her waist.
“See? Easy.”
Easy was holding her. Easy was the buzz her joy gave me. Being on a dance floor in a crowd of people was worth the cost for all that.
As soon as the song ended, I pulled her closer and murmured into her ear. “Let’s go.”
We rode home in silence, so of course my brain started to analyze the situation. The agent of my downfall. Is this a mistake? Should we talk?
But her ecstatic scream from this afternoon echoed in my head, and I knew that, no matter where we were going, we were way past pretending this was an accident.
Liv reached over at that moment and squeezed my thigh. “Thanks for having fun with me today.”
I swung the car into the drive and turned to her. “Thanks for letting me.”
Her throat bobbed with a hard swallow. “My room’s a mess.”
“Somehow I don’t think we’re going to make it past the couch.” I laughed as we walked toward the front door. Liv tugged my sleeve. When I turned, she threw herself into my arms, soft lips open and demanding.
My prediction was absolutely correct.
17
Liv
In the middle of that long night, I limped upstairs with stiff hips and stubble burn from my cheek to my ribs. Will’s smile at my wrecked state was so smug it bordered evil. We kissed once more, and then he was gone.
I tumbled into my sheets and hid under the covers, listening to my breath. My mind opened doors that had been shut a long, long time.
Will Langer needed a shave the first time I met him. As a 14-year-old, that alone was interesting and novel to me. I’d been giddy to help Tom move into his dorm. All morning, I’d been busy catching eyes with any college guy who looked my way. Tom finally wrapped his arm around my shoulder and said into my ear, “I’m going to pin you down and draw a Sharpie mustache on you if you don’t quit.”
Not that I was trying to catch a boyfriend. I hadn’t even had my first kiss yet. College boys were as much a fantasy as Ashton Kutcher in Seventeen. Besides, I was still a gangly high school freshman with braces. Those boys only smiled at me because I geeked at them.
Tom and our parents went to Target for supplies, but I wasn’t in the mood. I promised to make his bed if I stayed behind. Tom glared at me and swore he was locking the door. I stuck my tongue at him, but honestly, I just wanted to read in peace. As soon as his bed was done, I flopped on it, headphones in, and got deep into Slaughterhouse-Five.
Between tracks, a subtle cough made me jump.
Will, I would find out, had just come from the bus station. He’d ridden all day and night on a Greyhound from Dallas. All he owned was stuffed into a backpack and duffle bag. Where his parents were, why he had so little possessions, and what that bus ride had been like, he wouldn’t say. It didn’t matter to my parents, though. Mom and Dad always just folded people into our family. Whoever Tom or I brought home and introduced as a friend were promptly fed and nurtured. They took him to buy supplies, then dragged him along to family dinner.
All I could do was stare.
He was so dark and quiet. His arms were so cut in his t-shirt that he looked like Popeye. More than that, he radiated this heavy energy, this seriousness. He was so much more of a man than any boy I’d ever known.
I wouldn’t call my fascination with him a crush, not then and not later. I had boyfriends I crushed on, and I learned to touch myself to the idea of Romeo Montague from the 1996 film. Thoughts of Will Langer were forbidden, even alone in the dark.
Once, just once, I let myself think of him like that. My stomach dipped like the drop of a roller coaster, like Mom had just walked in, and I shuddered and buried my face in the pillow until my lungs burned. He was, quite simply, too much
.
But, like Mom had said the other day, I did look forward to his and Tom’s visits, even though there was nothing special between us. Back then, he’d speak to me or let me tease him if I was in a particularly goofy mood. Tom was always the buffer that made it okay. He kept it from being awkward.
It wasn’t until after high school, after that night when we talked until dawn, that he started looking at me with that blank expression and total indifference. Before that night, he’d put up with me pretty good-naturedly. On that night, we talked like two people who cared about each other’s lives. But then, poof. I became nothing to him. Useless. Worthy only of a blunt remark or a teasing line at best. For eight years, that had been our MO.
And suddenly we were all over each other. What the fuck?
I threw back the covers and got out of bed.
Tossing my silk robe on, I padded across the hall, slipped into Maddie’s room, and yanked his sheets away.
“What?” Will startled, jolted awake.
“You hate me, Langer.” I knew it was too late, too long a day, too much booze and music and sex to think sanely about this, but I couldn’t stop myself. “Screw you, your superior attitude, and your foreplay game. You. Hate. Me. I hate you. We hate each other.”
“Keep going,” he rumbled.
Hands on hips, I stamped my foot. “Is my point not clear? I don’t keep company with people who don’t like me.”
“You just let me use your body for two straight hours. We both seemed to like it a lot.”
“Shut up. Exactly. What the hell, Will?”
His hand closed around my wrist and pulled. I tumbled down onto his chest with a yelp. Will flipped me to my side, his breath mingled with my own as he stroked my cheek. “Say it again.”
“What?” My voice had gone from razor to butter knife.
“That we hate each other.” His tongue skimmed my lips.
I buried my face in his neck and shook my head. “Don’t we?”
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