by J. P. James
I want Ricky to feel that way too, to just be able to relax in our apartment, but he’s too edgy for that just yet. He grips one of the throw pillows in his lap, taking in as much of our apartment as he can.
“How much do you need to rehearse?” I ask him, hoping the topic is a welcome one.
He stops panning the room and his eyes find mine. The smile that blooms tells me the topic was a good choice.
“I’ve been rehearsing non-stop, and I think it’s in a good place. I have an itch to go over lines tonight, but I don’t want it to feel too rehearsed tomorrow,” he says.
I nod, flashing an approving smile back at him. I watch as he bites his bottom lip, kneading the flesh while his eyes trail down to his lap. He’s probably fighting the itch as we speak, but that’s not what holds my attention.
Watching him worry his lip with his teeth is distracting. It’s too distracting, and I can’t pull my eyes off the action. He’s occupied for the moment though, so I let myself stare. He’s bit his lips since we were kids, and even made them bleed a couple times. It’s a nervous tick, for sure, and it’s always distracted me. I can’t stop looking now either.
It’s always like this. When I watch, part of me wants to grab his face and tell him to get a grip. Sometimes, like right now, I want to soothe the red skin myself. His lips look tender, and my skin tingles when I realize that I want to press my lips on his. It’s a ridiculous thought. Then again, after the impromptu kiss earlier today, I don’t know what’s ridiculous anymore.
“Here you go,” Hayden calls.
I drag my eyes off Ricky’s lips, seeing Hayden carry two mugs. He places one in front of Ricky, and then hands me mine before he disappears to grab his.
Ricky stares into the steaming liquid, and breaths in the scent of citrus and alcohol.
“Maybe I just need the booze, or a Xanax, or horse tranquilizer,” he says.
I laugh, but when Hayden returns with his own drink, he fixes a steely gaze on Ricky.
“Hot Toddy is the closest to booze you’re getting tonight. Now drink your tea,” he says firmly.
Ricky’s eyes widen a bit, but he turns back to his drink and sips it slowly.
Hayden crosses towards me, sitting on the opposite end of the couch. We drink slowly at the same time, and the taste hits me instantly. The spice of the infusion mixes with the breathless tang of the whiskey, and then the lemon coaxes the saliva from my cheeks. It’s punchy in all the right ways.
I look at Ricky, and the sight melts my heart. His eyes are closed, there’s a weak but valiant smile on his lips, and he leans deeper into the couch. He’s mellowing out with every sip.
“Better?” I ask.
His eyes open slowly, but the smile doesn’t change. For the first time today, there’s a sliver of peace in his gaze.
“Definitely better,” he says. “Not perfect, but better.”
I nod, and look at Hayden. Hayden meets my gaze, and we ask the same silent question to one another. Wordlessly, Hayden nods, and turns his attention to Ricky.
“We should probably talk about what happened,” he starts.
Just like that, the peace leaves his eyes. His smile fades, but he still isn’t as devastated as he was in his own apartment. He takes another slow sip before he responds.
“What part?” He wonders.
I shift, feeling the leather give under me.
“Let’s start with Janine,” I tell him. “You said you’re glad she ran away, but you’ve also been a mess about her disappearance.”
Ricky nods slowly. In fact, everything about his seems slow now. Maybe with the whirlwind day he’s had, he’s willing time to move slower. He clears his throat, just as slowly, and his eyes find ours.
“I’ve always had some doubts about Janine. It makes me feel terrible admitting it out loud.”
I want to tell him a million things, but I have no intention of cutting him off yet. If he’s been keeping things bottled up for years, there’s no way I’m going to stop him now. Hayden does the same, staying quiet to next to me. Ricky darts between us, before he continues his confession.
“She’s always been really flaky. At first, I chalked it up to age. We were eighteen when we met. Lots of eighteen year olds are flaky.”
He stops to take a long swig of his tea. His eyes close, this time focusing on the burn of the alcohol in his chest. Maybe in an attempt to commiserate, I lift my drink and gulp just as much. The burn is welcome though, and takes a bit more of the edge off.
“She flunked more than one her classes because she didn’t care enough to show up for the final exam. I think her parents gave the school a lot of money, and they always gave her summer school as an option. If it weren’t for me, I’m not sure she’d have graduated at all.”
Hayden and I silently ask the question, cocking our heads to the side. Ricky’s sees our confused looks, and nods.
“I did her homework when she couldn’t bother with it. She had one online exam. I logged in and completed before she even woke up. I knew she wouldn’t do it.”
His eyes drift back to his drink, and he finishes off the last of it quickly. Hayden rises, taking Ricky’s mug and going back to the kitchen to make another. I find that I can’t look Ricky in the eye, keeping mine glued on my lap until Hayden returns.
“Go on,” Hayden says gently, giving Ricky his concoction.
When I finally do look back up at Ricky, his eyes are shining with tears.
“I used sex as a bargaining chip,” he admits.
Hayden chokes on his sip of tea, and I slam mine on the table in front of us. Still, we’re quiet. Ricky wipes his eyes, his hands shaking like leaves.
“I didn’t like using sex like that, but sometimes it was the only way she’d study. I figured she’d grow out of it, but,” he says, but then trails off as he stares at his lap.
His arms wrap around his middle, his drink steaming at his side. Without thinking, I stand. I walk to the closet in the hallway, pulling out our biggest blanket before returning. Ricky looks up at me as I drape it around his body.
I don’t know if this is the right thing to do, but I couldn’t sit and watch him like that. He needs comfort.
He nods at me, clutching at the soft material around his shoulders. He lets me sit back down before he goes on.
“My sophomore year, I had major surgery on both of my eyes,” he says.
It’s the first time Hayden or I say a word since he started.
“What?” We ask in unison.
Ricky nods, his hand coming up to stop us from asking any questions. “I know, I should have told you. But please, let me explain.”
I realize that I launched forward, sitting on the edge of the couch. I settle back into my seat, but it’s impossible to ignore the burning in my body. I want to yell at Ricky now, but he clearly has more to say.
“You remember my eye condition,” he asks, and we nod our confirmation. “It got so bad my sophomore year that I needed to have one cornea repaired, and the other removed. My right cornea is a transplant from a donor.”
Hayden sucks in air next to me. I don’t blame him, but Ricky continues.
“You guys were training so hard, and I had school on top of everything else. Trust me, I wish I could have asked for your help, but I knew you’d drop everything to be by my side. I couldn’t do that to you guys,” he tells us.
With the blanket secured around him, he holds his hands and grips them tight against his chest, his eyes dropping with them.
“Janine was there though. She stood by me through my surgery, and I felt like I owed her the world in return. She nursed me back to health, took me to my doctor’s appointments. I ended up taking the second semester off, and she was like my caregiver during that time. We both took summer classes to make up for it.”
Suddenly, he looks up, and tears streak down his cheeks. I want to reach out, to hold him, and give him all the comfort he deserves. Instead, I watch him. I take in all the pain and guilt he’s bottled u
p over the years.
“She stuck by me through a difficult time, so even though I didn’t love her like I wanted to love someone, I felt like I owed her my life in return,” he says through his tears.
I watch silently, my drink forgotten, as Ricky cries. I had so much I wanted to say to him. Not just say, but yell, maybe scream, but all my thoughts are gone. What is there to say, after he’s poured his heart out like that?
I get up, just as slowly as Ricky was moving moments ago, and walk towards him. I stand before him, and let gravity do the job. He watches me kneel before him, his wet eyes trying to comprehend my movement.
“Hudson?” He asks.
I don’t say anything. Instead, I lift my hand to his cheek, and brush the tears away. Once I think his cheek is dry enough, my fingers trace his right eye. I study every feature of his face, but especially his eyes.
“I’m glad you’re okay,” I tell him.
He doesn’t cry, but he scrunches his eyes closed. He nuzzles into my palm. His head is heavy, but it’s welcome. It feels like something precious in my grasp, and I don’t want to let go.
“We understand how loyal you feel to Janine,” Hayden says behind me.
Ricky doesn’t move, but he opens his eyes and finds Hayden’s. He smiles, and nuzzles deeper against my hand.
“She could have taken off, but she didn’t. She didn’t leave you on your own, and that makes her one hell of a woman,” I go on.
Ricky looks back at me. He has mesmerizing eyes. He might not say much, but he knows how to express with his eyes.
“But,” I continue, gripping Ricky’s cheek tighter. “Just because she’s a great woman, doesn’t mean you have to marry her.”
Ricky rises. His head leaves the warm and security of my hand, and I miss it instantly.
“Isn’t that love?” He asks, sounding incredulous. He crosses his arms, comforting himself the best he can.
I sit back on my haunches. I watch him as Hayden chimes in again.
“You can love her, and not be in love with her,” he says over my shoulder. “Either way, it sounds like you don’t want to marry her.”
Ricky stays quiet, and I take it as my cue. I get up and retreat to the couch. Hayden sips at the last of his drink, and sets the mug down hard on the table.
“I feel terrible,” Ricky says.
The words rumble through my chest. “It doesn’t do you any good to torture yourself over this.”
Ricky looks at me like a wounded animal, and then rubs his head roughly with one hand as he clutches the blanket tighter with his other.
Be free, just let yourself be free, I silently plead with him. I know he can’t hear it. Still, if I think it strongly enough, maybe he’ll feel it. He’s his own worst critic, and it’s hard to watch his do this to himself.
Please, Ricky. Let yourself be free.
We sit there silently. I chant over and over for Ricky to release himself from his own demons. Then, after an eternity of silence, Ricky looks up:
“I think I might be gay.”
8
Ricky
Have you ever held your breath? Maybe you were in a swimming pool when you were a kid, and you wanted to see how long you could hold it. Or maybe you were on a road trip with your family, and you’re heading right for a bridge or tunnel. You wanted to see how long you’d last, right?
I’ve been holding a breath for the last ten years, ever since Hayden and Hudson caught me with that Playgirl. This is the first real breath of fresh air that I’ve had, since that day.
“Jesus, you guys,” I gasp, looking frantically between them and my own two hands. “I feel like I’m floating.”
Hayden gulps. “Is this the first time you’re admitting it?”
“Yep,” I say with a pop of the P. “Congrats.”
Hayden’s eyes narrow, but he’s smirking just as much. “Why on Earth are you congratulating us?”
“I-I don’t know,” I stammer. “You have a gay best friend. Congrats.”
Hudson chuckles at that, and I want to both kick him and launch into his arms.
“We should be congratulating you. This is a big step for you,” he tells me.
I’m on my feet in an instant, the blanket falling in a pile on the loveseat, and my hands won’t stop shaking. My only option is to clasp them together and wring them out as hard as I can while I gasp for more of this beautiful air.
“Thanks. I don’t know what to do with my hands, or my face, or my entire body for that matter. I think this is what it feels like to literally be shocked. The electricity running through my body is off the charts,” I explain, my mouth running away with itself.
Hudson leans forward. I look at him, seeing his eyes darken mischievously.
“Is this why you kissed us? You needed to be sure?” He wonders.
Hayden crosses his arms, leaning farther into the couch. They look like a version of yin and yang, balancing each other as Hudson looms closer and Hayden leans farther away. Despite their differences, they’re both expectantly waiting my answer. I sit back down, unable to stop wringing out my hands.
“I don’t know. I’ve–,” but I pause. Here I go, letting out another decade-long breath of air. “I’ve always been attracted to men. I might be bisexual, at the very least.”
Like tipping the scales, Hayden and Hudson meet in the middle. Hudson leans back just enough to match Hayden’s lurch forward. They nod slowly, letting their brains process the information.
“I remember that Playgirl you had in your room,” Hayden says first.
Oh god. I remember that too, although I cringle every time I think about it. I nod, feeling every ounce of shame now as I did when they caught me.
“I was so embarrassed,” I tell them.
Hayden runs his hand through his hair, smiling at himself.
“You shouldn’t have. I can’t count the number of Playgirls I’ve read in my life, especially in high school,” he admits.
Hudson groans, rolling his eyes. “I walked in on Hayden more than once, jerking off to one of those crusty magazines.”
My eyes go wide, and I can feel my cheeks flush brightly. Hudson smirks, looking pleased that a simple story could make me react this way.
“It turned you on?” Hudson asks.
I nod again. “They were handsome guys, and they were naked. Of course, they turned me on. Who wouldn’t be?”
Hayden laughs at that. “Well, straight guys, for one. Sarah might burn one if she had it in her hands.”
I chuckle, but remembering the images now brings back old memories. “The pictures got to me, in a way nothing had before then. I felt exposed.”
“It’s not like your dick was out,” Hudson chuckles, but he stops the second he sees my face.
I know I look like a cherry. My face feels like it’s on fire, and it’s all the evidence they need.
“You were jerking off?” Hayden wonders.
I groan, finally pulling my hands apart to run them over my thighs. “No, but…I ran off because I had a raging boner. I didn’t want you guys to see.”
Hayden and Hudson then roar with laughter at the same time. It echoes through the apartment, and I hope to every god that the neighbors can’t hear us.
“It’s not funny!” I say. My voice almost sounds like a whine, but I have this itch to defend myself.
“It is now,” Hayden chuckles.
Hudson nods, completely amused. “I had no idea you liked those magazines that much. Pictures don’t really do it for me.”
My cheeks burn as another confession hangs on the tip of my tongue. Maybe it’s tea and alcohol that has me burning hot, but I have a feeling my newfound freedom has a lot to do with it too.
“I actually, um, started a subscription after that. I had them sent to the P.O. Box. I put it under Bucky’s name, with my address. No one ever questioned it. I, uh, I had a Naughty Men subscription too,” I say quickly, stumbling over the words as I go.
I dropped my eyes down to the g
round, but when there isn’t a peep above me, I realize there’s no option but to check their faces. The second I see them, their shocked expressions send the blush up to the hairline and down to my ankles. I must be one giant tomato by now.
“You had a subscription to a gay men’s magazine in high school,” Hudson summarizes. “Yet, you didn’t think you could talk to us?”
“You might be gayer than we are,” Hayden adds, smiling ear to ear.
I undo two buttons on my shirt. “I burned them after every new issue. I loved those pictures,” I say, my voice an octave lower than normal.
I can remember the images like it was yesterday. My mind glazes over for a second, when Hayden’s clears his voice.
Something shifted while the memories distracted me. When I refocus on Hayden and Hudson, their eyes are anything but innocent. It steals my breath. I watch them shift in their seats. Maybe we’ve been sitting too long and they’re uncomfortable, but something tells me it’s not just the cushions. Maybe thinking about pictures of naked men is doing more for them than they thought. I mean, they always worked on me.
“If you’ve always been attracted to men, they why date Janine at all?” Hayden asks.
I think for a second, my mind going back to that first semester at school, and fast-forwarding through the important milestones.
“I think she’s attractive. I’ve never been as attracted to her as I was to the guys in Naughty Men, but she didn’t disgust me by any means.”
