She sipped at the wine and let out a deep sigh of joy. God, she’d been desperate for this. The space, more than the wine. The solitude. She’d probably longed for it from the moment she went back to Jackson after the last time she tried to leave, two and a half years ago. It was a half-hearted attempt. She’d not been ready, she wasn’t strong enough. She went to a friend’s apartment round the corner from theirs and it didn’t take him long to track her down. He told her she needed him. He took her in his arms and laughed, gently, at just how silly she’d been. He promised things would be different and she’d been so desperate to believe him because to be alone was terrifying. Jackson was her US agent and her boyfriend of almost ten years. He was the guy that saw her on Broadway, and promptly wooed her with flowers and expensive meals. He’d lavished her with gifts and told her everything she wanted to hear: that she was an Oscar winner in the making; that she could have everything her heart desired, both in work and in love; that she was smart as well as beautiful. Her father instantly approved and when Emily moved in with him, her dad somehow stopped giving his opinion on every facet of her life, he stopped judging. Instead of sarcasm about her latest job, he’d ask about Jackson: what was he working on next? Who was he working with? He’d tell Emily how glad he was that she had finally met someone who could keep her in line.
Keep her in line!
When she thought about that now, she couldn’t help wonder what sort of line she was supposed to be kept in? What sort of life did her father think she deserved? Apparently she was too opinionated, though Emily couldn’t help feel that version of her had long gone. Maybe that’s why it didn’t work out when she tried leaving before, her dad said she was making a mistake and she believed him. He reminded her she had it all and she felt bad for being so ungrateful.
But she knew now it wasn’t that she was ungrateful. It just wasn’t the life she wanted. It didn’t feel right. She felt trapped and judged and small. For too long it was a life she couldn’t escape because apparently the expensive apartment relied on her income as well as Jackson’s, despite the fact he’d lived there long before her arrival. A life in which the wine and the meals and the parties were essential whether she was in the mood or not, and all funded as business investments. One in which she was supposed to be grateful she still had her looks, without Jackson realising that if she did, it was because she spent a fortune on keeping her face looking as young and ageless as possible.
She took a sip of wine, it trickled down her throat and into her belly. She took another sip, then a third and before she knew it, almost a full glass had gone and she felt sick, and guilty, and full of regret. Jackson always said she thought of nobody but herself and she was proving him right… She stared at her glass, then ran a hand over her delicately swollen belly. Was she starting to show? Would those sips of wine damage her unborn child? Had she just put it and herself at risk? Jackson’s words, when she told him she was pregnant, echoed in her mind. You’re not a natural mother, he’d said. And whilst she was still confused about the tiny life growing inside of her, she knew she had to work out what she really felt, without the noise of anybody else’s opinion or agenda. She needed to do that quickly, before anybody found out where she was, not least Jackson. He’d booked the termination; he’d been the one to encourage her it wasn’t the right time to have a child. That he had a hotline straight through to the clinic shouldn’t have been the only reason she questioned what they were doing. That he booked women in for this left, right, and centre when a baby threatened to interrupt her career, or perhaps the girlfriend, partner or one-night stand of a male client who’d not taken enough care, these were different. Vile, yet different, but this was her body, their child. Surely she had to be certain about what she wanted to do before making a decision she could never go back on. Maybe she could be a natural mother. If she just gave herself the chance…
She placed her glass on the coffee table, pushing that and the bottle out of reach. Her eyes fell to the photo she’d been inspired to dig out after bumping into Lolly. A photo sent over in a shipment of things from the past, sent to her little cottage when she first bought it and wanted to create a home from home. A photo of four girls, not yet sixteen; a whole life ahead of them; carefree; unified. Emily, Lolly, Amanda and Jess. Lolly… Lolly. Seeing her today had thrown Emily, she hadn’t changed a bit. Or maybe she had, maybe they all had, and yet, Emily still yearned to reconnect. If anyone could understand what she was going through right now, surely it would be those girls. Wouldn’t it? They were friends forever, they’d made that promise before she moved away back in 1996. Was it too late to ask for help?
Lolly
‘You never said who you saw today,’ said Kitt, who’d been tiptoeing around Lolly since their earlier discussion.
Lolly rubbed dots of moisturiser across her forehead and cheeks, the rich smell of frankincense spelling bedtime. She wasn’t enjoying the small talk but married life was all about letting things go sometimes.
‘Come on, who did you see?’ he asked again, simultaneously climbing into bed and plugging in his iPad to charge.
Lolly sighed, climbing in beside him. ‘Emily, I saw Emily.’ She tried not to sound totally pissed off with him. Her mood probably wasn’t his fault.
‘Emily?’
‘Nance! Emily Nance.’ She cringed at her impatience.
‘Nance! Blimey, what’s she doing in Cornwall? I thought it was New York, New York for her. Or L.A. or something.’
‘She said she had a place out Gorran way. Gorran Haven. Said she was coming home.’ Lolly picked up her book, re-reading the blurb because she’d tried to read it so many times and somehow couldn’t focus. ‘Surprised she didn’t go to her parents’ place up in Rock. Dunno if they’ve still got it. They did keep it on to begin with, didn’t they? Do you remember it? The little path from their garden to the beach.’ He’d remember it. That’s where he and Lolly first kissed, aged about fifteen or sixteen. They’d just listened to that song from the Coca-Cola ad, ‘First Kiss’. He’d asked her if she’d ever kissed anyone before and they snuck away from Emily’s party and snogged on the beach. He tasted of pizza. Probably why they didn’t do it again until twelve years later. ‘Lovely house, that.’
‘So, did you talk to her?’ Kitt asked, sounding bored as he flicked through boats he couldn’t afford on eBay.
‘Briefly. She was running for the bus.’
‘The bus!’ He paused to look up. ‘How the mighty fall!’
‘Kitt! That’s not nice. Maybe she’s aware of her carbon footprint or something.’
‘Yes, I always got that about Emily Nance.’ He returned to his iPad. ‘Her interest in her carbon footprint, that’s her all over.’
‘You barely knew her,’ said Lolly, irritated. She turned her bedside lamp up, cracking the spine as she opened the book where she’d saved the page. Her phone had just alerted her to the fact that she had about three hours of peak ovulation left before her temperature dropped and their chances of conceiving dissolved for another month. She was not going to beg. ‘I gave her my number, in case she wanted to catch up. It’d be nice to see her. I miss the girls.’
‘Which girls?’
‘Us girls. Emily, Amanda and Jess.’
Kitt turned to look at her. ‘Didn’t you fall out?’
‘No! Not exactly, it was… Emily left. Didn’t stay in touch. Then, I don’t know, I went to college, made new mates there.’ Lolly thought. ‘Actually, Jess went travelling, she’d sort of pulled away from us all before that anyway, then her going away finished it off. It was strange, she changed. Sort of closed off. I hated that, I missed her.’
‘You always miss people.’
‘Oh god, then Amanda got pregnant, then married. I tried to stay in touch, in case she needed help with Zennor or something but, I don’t know, she didn’t seem to want to. I guess we all must have just drifted…’ Lolly stared at the page, words not really making sense. Losing touch with the girls had always been a source of
pain for her, something hadn’t felt right about it but she’d never really known what. ‘You must have schoolmates you don’t talk to any more.’
‘I do. And that’s fine. No need to drag up the past.’
‘Maybe for you.’ Kitt raised his eyebrows as if she was being ridiculous and she tried to ignore the feeling that he was right. ‘Maybe it’s ’cause I’m getting older. I suppose seeing her made them all come back to mind and I wanna check they’re okay, you know?’ Kitt was erratically scrolling now. ‘It’s easy to think you don’t care when you drift apart, but that’s not true. We were good friends, Christ, I wouldn’t have survived most of my teens if it wasn’t for those girls.’
‘Did you know there is an actual Flat Earth Society.’ Kitt turned the iPad to face Lolly, clearly no longer interested in boats or hearing about her old school friends. ‘A group of people who genuinely believe the earth is flat. Like… images from space have been made up… it’s all a conspiracy.’
Lolly shuffled down into their bed, pretending to read her book. ‘I just think it’d be nice to reunite,’ she said, quietly.
‘Apparently flat earthers have members “all over the globe”… I mean… can they not see the irony?’
‘Maybe I’ll message one of them.’
Kitt put his iPad down. ‘Message who?’
‘Jess, maybe I’ll message Jess. We connected on Facebook years ago. Maybe we should just get over it all and meet up. She might still be in touch with Amanda.’
‘Are we still talking about this? Come here…’ He pulled her towards him, running his hand down her side, letting it rest on her thigh. ‘Forget them. You’ve got me…’ He moved in closer, fixing his eyes on her. ‘Maybe we should pick up where we left off earlier?’ he said, kissing her neck, running his hand through her hair. ‘See if we can’t make that baby you so desperately want,’ he said, moving on top of her, his knee parting her legs until he lay between her thighs, his hand on the small of her back. ‘Lovely, Lolly,’ he said, his breath hot on her face. ‘Come here…’
Amanda
Amanda had been enjoying the comforts of PJs and Queer Eye on Netflix, but when her mate Karenza knocked on her door on the way to Vertigo, it whet her appetite for a few impromptu Thursday night drinks. So now she was enjoying every beat of the DJ’s music and howling with laughter at some bloke who’d taken a shine to her. She always liked this bit, the flirtation, the banter, the casual resting of a hand on a thigh so she could lean in to talk over the music. Whilst she wasn’t in the market for a boyfriend, it was a reminder of how thrilling the chase could be. And this guy was definitely chasing her, which was flattering given the fact he couldn’t have been older than twenty-five. He was hot, young, chatty. He worked at ShelterBox and was definitely interested in her. She wondered how long for, if she fessed up to her day job, it usually put them off hence her invariably telling people she was a cleaner when asked. Which wasn’t untrue. She did still do the odd shift here and there. Mainly because George next door needed a bit of help around the house and it meant she didn’t have to lie to her daughter Zennor if she kept it up.
‘Pretty good nails for a cleaner,’ said the guy, whose name Amanda had overlooked. Detail unimportant.
‘I like to look after myself,’ she said. Just as she treated him to a gentle scratch of her nails down his thigh, there was a voice from behind her.
‘Mum!’
The guy looked startled and no amount of gin could swallow the thud of Amanda’s heart to her knees. ‘Zennor! Hi, love.’ Amanda spun round on her stool, hoping to find a much happier, brighter face than the one she actually saw. She couldn’t blame her daughter. There’s probably few things worse than walking in on your mum flirting like that.
‘And you!’ she said, staring at the guy as Amanda retracted her hand. ‘What the hell are you doing?’
‘Zennor,’ said the guy, and Amanda’s heart dropped the final distance from knees to boots. ‘Fancy seeing you… I was just, this is…’
‘My mother!’
‘So it seems…’
Amanda closed her eyes. Shit. How well did these two know each other?
‘Mum, Billy. Billy… my mum.’
Amanda’s heart seeped out of her boots as Zennor emphasised the introduction. She reached for her glass, knocking back the remains of her drink. ‘I think maybe I should leave.’
‘Yes. You probably should,’ said Zennor, stonily.
Amanda grabbed her jacket from the back of her chair, looking to see if she could catch Karenza’s eye, but she was nowhere to be seen. ‘Well, anyway, Billy, nice chatting.’ Zennor crossed her arms, waiting. Amanda went to leave then turned back. ‘Oh, love, I texted earlier, did you get my message? I wondered what you were up to on Sunday, maybe we could have dinner?’
‘I’m busy. With Dad.’
‘Right, fine, no problem. Just… well, anyway, maybe another time then. It’s just that it’s been a while…’ Amanda leant in to kiss Zennor’s cheek, making her flinch. ‘I miss you…’ Zennor looked to the ground. ‘Okay, well, maybe another time. Have fun.’
With a cocktail of guilt and disappointment flooding her veins, Amanda weaved through the crowd, desperate to turn back and plead with Zennor not to be angry, to give them some time to get this fractured relationship back on track. Knowing better than to try that when Zennor was embarrassed and angry, she stepped out into the night sky, taking a lungful of fresh air before heading off in the direction of home.
‘I can’t believe you!’ Came Zennor’s angry voice into the street. Amanda stopped short, taking a deep breath. ‘You’re so embarrassing, Mum.’
‘Zennor, please.’
She marched towards her, teenage anger raging. ‘No! Mum! Please nothing! We’ve talked about this, about you, here. This is where I come, with my mates, to hang out. What would have happened if I hadn’t turned up?’
‘What do you mean, what would have happened?’
‘With Billy? What would have happened? I know what he’s like and everyone knows what you’re like, Mum.’
Zennor didn’t know anything, but statements like that sometimes made Amanda wonder. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘Interested in anything with a pulse. Well, anything except Dad!’
‘That’s not fair.’
‘He could basically be your son!’
‘You’re overreacting!’
‘Am I?’
‘We were just talking.’
‘Billy never just talks. That’s the reason we broke up.’ Shit. ‘If I hadn’t turned up you would definitely have ended up having sex.’
‘Zennor! I don’t sleep with every man I talk to!’
Zennor paused, a sadness washing over her. ‘He’s very persuasive…’
Amanda wanted to reach out to her not so little girl. She’d met boys like that when she was Zennor’s age. Nineteen. A time when some girls just need a boy to make them feel like the sexiest girl alive, until they practically ignore them once they’ve got what they wanted, pushing the girl right back to the lack of self-confidence they started with.
‘I’m a grown woman, love. Billy couldn’t have persuaded me to do anything I didn’t want to.’ That much was true. Zennor stared at Amanda and though Amanda knew her daughter was a little bit broken right now, she also knew that now wasn’t the time to try and fix things. Drunk and angry Zennor was not open to reason. ‘Go on, love. Go back. Here,’ Amanda pulled a tenner out of her purse. ‘Take this, get yourself some food. Avoid boys like Billy. I am sorry if I embarrassed you.’
‘Dad would never do this to me,’ was Zennor’s parting gift. Amanda knew it was pointless chasing after her, despite the fact that every time she lorded her dad up, putting him on a pedestal, Amanda was desperate to remind her that he hadn’t been around for them for most of her life. That he had caused all sorts of drama when Amanda found out she was pregnant. That they had got married in a rush because his mum made him even though neither of them really wanted
to and it had been no surprise when he eventually slept with someone else, causing Amanda to invite him to leave. Which he did. Without so much as a backward glance until fifteen years later when he came back, cap in hand, suddenly becoming the saviour of Zennor’s entire life. It wasn’t just unfair, it was the most hurtful thing he could have done to Amanda, however unintended the outcome might have been. But Zennor was nineteen. She was angry. She had just walked in on her mother in a bar, talking to some bloke she has either had sex with or would like to have sex with and Amanda knew what the anger that comes from disappointment felt like.
Jess
Jess tucked her duvet under her knees, laptop in front of her. This Morning was on the TV that sat on her chest of drawers. Wallpaper really, she wasn’t paying much attention. She preferred Holly and Phil but it was Friday so what could she do. Still, working from home had its perks and making her bed into a temporary desk was definitely one of them. Vaping over her laptop was another. Jess took a lungful of the strawberry flavoured aerosol, blowing it out again, always astonished by the amount of ‘smoke’ she’d release. Tonight Matthew, I’m going to be that girl from Transvision Vamp with the platinum hair… Wendy James! That was her. She was amazing but Jess was always deeply jealous of her because Nathan Brader, from two years above at school, totally fancied Wendy James and Jess totally fancied him. Jess caught sight of herself in the dresser mirror before hiding back behind her laptop screen. She was definitely not looking like Wendy James right now. Nathan Brader still wouldn’t look twice.
She went back to her presentation. A bid for a new client, a dairy farm selling straight from cow to consumer. She wanted their business, and not just because visits to a hamlet in West Cornwall were a great escape from the office. If she could get a few more meetings outside of the office, and a few more days working from home like this, she could probably get away with not having to see Jay much at all.
Her Best Friend's Secret: A gripping, emotional novel about love, life and the power of friendship Page 3
