Lolly
Lolly stacked the bowls in the dishwasher, singing along to Saturday morning Radio Two. The sun shone through their patio doors and the boys were wrapped up, making the most of the weather, out in the garden. They chased each other with foam swords, Stan running up the steps of their climbing frame, before turning on Ted with the tip of his sword digging menacingly into his scarf.
‘Careful!’ Lolly shouted.
The boys carried on regardless. She wondered if any of the other girls had children. She guessed not for Emily, she’d not read anything anywhere to suggest otherwise. She knew about Amanda’s Zennor but didn’t know if she’d had any more. Jess didn’t seem interested in anything other than work, if her Facebook page was anything to go by. And that’s when it hit Lolly. The butterflies at the prospect of meeting up with them tomorrow. She hadn’t been expecting it, having effectively instigated the meet up in the first place. Had she not bumped into Emily and given her her number, would any of this be happening? And now that it is, what will it actually be like? Did they have anything in common any more? Could she function in a group of women that were not her colleagues or other mums from school? What would she talk about? Who even was she? Apart from wife, mother and physio. Was that enough?
‘Another coffee?’ Kitt said, flicking the kettle on.
It had always been enough before. ‘Please,’ she said, absentmindedly. Recently, she’d started to question everything. Was it approaching her forties that did that? The whole baby thing? The state of her and Kitt’s marriage… which was possibly overstating the last couple of days’ worth of frost, but still… things weren’t on an even keel and Lolly didn’t like it.
‘I’ve put a wash on.’
She looked up sharply. ‘Have you?’ He never put a wash on.
‘A few shirts, some odds and sods.’
‘Right.’ Of course, his own stuff mostly then. She tried not to be irritated.
‘Anything else you need doing?’
She wanted to tell him to look around the house and see what he could find for himself but having pissed him off by turning him down for sex this morning, mainly because she didn’t like him very much at the moment, and she wasn’t ovulating, and she didn’t really feel up to it whilst the kids snaffled Honey Nut Loops in the room below, she didn’t want to say anything that might bring about more bickering. ‘The bathrooms need a going over. I was going to run the hoover round downstairs too.’
‘Right.’ He made up a coffee, flicking through the papers whilst it stewed. There was a heavy quiet between them. A loaded one. ‘So what do you fancy doing this weekend?’ he said, eventually.
‘I thought we could go out later, make the most of the sunshine. Maybe take the bikes along the Camel Trail? Have you remembered I’m out tomorrow?’
‘Eh?’ He looked up sharply from the paper.
‘Tomorrow, I’m out.’
‘Where?’
‘The Old Grammar School.’
‘Truro? On a Sunday.’
Once upon a time, Truro on a Sunday wouldn’t have seemed such a shocking thing. Before kids, Truro on a Sunday, for a roast and a catch up with mates, could happen quite often.
‘I’m meeting the girls.’
‘Which girls?’
‘Jess, Amanda and Emily. I told you.’
Kitt looked surprised. ‘No, you told me that you were thinking of meeting up, that you’d seen Emily in town. You never said you were actually meeting up.’ Lolly couldn’t be sure if that was the case. ‘I don’t understand why you would. I mean…’ He shut the paper, pushing it away. He faffed with the coffee cups, spilling coffee on the side. ‘Shit!’
‘I really bloody missed Emily when she left. I can’t wait to see her and talk, properly talk. Why wouldn’t we meet up?’ she said, instinctively rushing to get a cloth.
‘I dunno, I guess I’m just surprised, that’s all. I thought you were one for looking forward not into the past.’ Lolly stared at him. ‘That’s what you always said to me. I can do that!’
Kitt took the cloth from her, wiping down the spilt coffee, knocking what was left of the milk over the floor. ‘Christ!’ Lolly threw him a load of kitchen roll then went to the utility room for the mop. ‘What are you going to talk about?’ he shouted through to her. ‘What if you just all sit there with nothing to say?’
Lolly came back through, handing him the mop before taking over coffee making duties. ‘Why wouldn’t I have anything to say?’ Did she sound defensive? She felt like she sounded defensive. ‘You might not find me very interesting any more, but I have plenty to talk about. It’ll be nice to see them.’
Kitt mopped at the milk, pushing it around the floor.
‘Come here, for god’s sake.’ She took over, pushing him out of the way. ‘Take the boys out for the day, then you’ll not even notice I’ve gone.’ Her phone pinged in her pocket as she wrung out the mop. It was Joanna. Lolly groaned.
‘What?’
‘Nothing, just Joanna sending me the dates she wants to stay.’
‘What!’ His tone wasn’t exactly a surprise and, in the past, she might have shared his horror but today he’d pissed her off.
‘For a week. Maybe two.’
‘How long?’
‘It’ll be nice. I haven’t seen her for ages and it’ll be good for the boys.’
‘They hate sharing a room.’
‘Yeah, well, it doesn’t happen very often and, forgive me, but I’d like to see what remaining family I have, so it’ll be fine. Don’t worry, I’ll plan loads of stuff to do with her. You’ll barely have to see her.’
‘Of course I’ll have to see her. I can hardly move out for the week, can I?’
Lolly resisted the urge to tell him he’d be welcome to because she knew that they were words of frustration and she just needed to let go. She just needed to get over what he said the other night about not wanting another child, despite this morning happily snuggling into her in search of a quickie. And she needed to get over the fact that sex had become something to fertilise her not keep them close. ‘It’ll be fine. It’ll be nice.’
‘I’ll remind you of that when you’re complaining about her taking over the house.’ He picked up his wallet. ‘I’ll get some more milk.’
‘We can get some in a bit, when we go out.’
‘I want coffee!’ he said, frustrated.
He disappeared down the hallway, slamming the door behind him and Lolly wondered how long the frost would last and if she was really to blame. They’d been in an okay place before she decided she wanted another baby, that was one of the reasons she felt the time was right. And she had assumed he wouldn’t have gone for a reversal if he’d had any concerns. But looking at it now, there was a tilt in their connection, a shift that she couldn’t quite grasp like she had in days gone by.
Joanna coming would be good for her. They could talk. Same with meeting the girls tomorrow. It was time Lolly paid a bit more attention to who she was. It was time she became more than the sum of wife, mother and employee.
Jess
Matt had, by the time he’d finished his brotherly lecture, managed to convince Jess not to jump to any decisions. She’d called him on the taxi ride over, much to his irritation because her signal kept dropping out in the dips between Falmouth and Truro, but they’d managed to speak for long enough for her to update him on the conversation with Jay and for him to tell her all the reasons she should stay and all the reasons she should not walk away from her job. And she should absolutely not read too much into Jay’s choice of words. That he missed her did not mean he wanted to leave his wife and start afresh with her. Not that she wanted him to… necessarily.
‘You need to open up your world, Jess. Embrace friendships, find something to occupy your time,’ Matt had said. ‘You’ve been all work for too long, where is the fun in your life?’
She’d tried to convince him that work was fun for her. That she got all the fun she needed from the variety in her client l
ist. From a young team who were brimming with energy and enthusiasm and ideas. That she didn’t need anything else. To which he’d pointed out that she was about to meet up with the girls from school and if she really did have all the fun in the world, she wouldn’t have needed the reunion.
The reunion. She did need this reunion. If Matt was right about her life and the things she needed to do, there were some ghosts to lay to rest. Matt had no idea about her motivation for meeting the girls. Matt knew every last bit of her life, except the truth about what happened at that party when she was sixteen. A secret that she could now see had shaped the rest of her life. That she pushed those she loved away. That, apart from her brother, she avoided close friendships, relationships, that she threw herself into work, it all pointed to that one night at Emily’s house. A night she had buried so deeply, she wasn’t even sure what was true and what her confused, sixteen year old brain had made up any more.
She paused over the road, staring at The Old Grammar School. It had a classic, Cornish, granite exterior, with a tiny, no longer used, school bell on the top; each side flanked by giant umbrellas for the brave diners who wanted to sit outside in the cold. The last time she’d been here, she’d been one of those brave diners sat outside, smoking. Though now she realised she hadn’t been brave that night, she’d just been wishing she could go home early. She’d been out on a works do and by the time they’d all eaten burgers the size of their heads, she’d been ready to head home to the quiet of her own space. Away from people and noise.
Would she feel the same amongst the girls? A need to escape? Once upon a time, with these three, she was just Jess. Jess who was gregarious and silly and loud. Jess who could recite sketches from French and Saunders or Vic Reeves Big Night Out. Jess who loved Blur over Oasis. Jess who sobbed during Four Weddings and a Funeral, embarrassing the rest of them in the cinema. Jess who hid copies of Jilly Cooper’s Riders in her schoolbooks so teachers wouldn’t see what she was reading. They didn’t really know the Jess who’d gone off travelling when she didn’t really want to. They didn’t really know the Jess whose broken heart fractured further when she finally came home. They didn’t really know the Jess who had convinced herself that she was happy with her life. Would they bring out that old Jess? Did they have that power? Or was there a new Jess to be invented? And if so, what role did these girls… these women, have to play?
She walked slowly up to the front door. She checked her watch, she was early. She hadn’t wanted to be the first person there, yet she always had been, back in the day. She’d always been the first person to arrive anywhere… some things never change.
Emily
Emily woke with butterflies in her stomach. At first she thought it was nausea but ginger biscuits and full fat Coke, which it turned out was totally her pregnancy tonic, had sorted that out. Full fat or no, it seemed that all the sugar in the world could not arrest the butterflies though. And as she walked back across Lemon Quay, the place she’d first bumped into Lolly, less than two weeks ago, the butterflies were no longer doing a gentle dance, more a booted stamp. Why was she so nervous? They were ordinary women, women who knew her. The real her. The her that she was before the standing ovations and celebrity friends took over. A few of her newer friends had reached out in the last few days. The odd message on Facebook or WhatsApp. She felt bad ignoring them, they didn’t really deserve her silence, she just couldn’t face the prospect of lying to them. She knew people would think she was crazy for coming home now, they’d all want to know why, how she could walk away from her career, her apartment, Jackson… Jackson was popular. He had people on his side. Everybody loved Jackson.
But she’d always known she wasn’t like most people. She’d always felt like she faked it. Not loving Jackson, that bit had been true … to begin with. But living with what seemed like the perfect life was hard. Constantly having to think about how she looked and what she wore, it drained her. Before coming home, she’d been running on empty and it didn’t feel like that now. Already. The longer she sat on the beaches, read in the bath, sang to herself as she pottered in the garden, the fuller she felt. The stronger. She was recharging. She’d even begun to imagine what it might be like to share it all with a small person.
She crossed over by a jewellers, the window packed full of vintage rings and trinkets. She took the wide cobbled street over to Cathedral Lane. The clothes in the Accessorize window included a tiny baby mannequin with something floral and sparkly and the butterflies made way for her heart to flip at the sight. Was she carrying a boy or a girl? What might it look like? She pulled her coat around her, letting her hand momentarily rest on her stomach before shaking off the thoughts, which made way for the butterflies to return. Just as she turned the corner by the cathedral, The Old Grammar School came into view. A woman paused by the doorway, checking her watch before heading inside. Was that Jess? It had been so long but it would be hard to mistake the confident stride, the time check. Even as a teenager, she’d been sorted, on her game. She was the one they all wished they could be more like which made Emily pause, she faltered, she considered turning back around because suddenly, this all seemed too much. Who was she and could she fake whoever that was to the rest of them? Maybe being on her own was fine for a bit longer. She’d only just got back. She didn’t have to rush into anything; friendships, decisions, none of it, she could take her time, they’d understand, wouldn’t they?
‘Emily! Hey!’ Lolly appeared from nowhere, pulling Emily in for a kiss. Her eyes were bright, her smile friendly and assured. ‘I am SO glad you messaged in the end, I can’t wait to hear all about how things are for you. And the other two, it has been way too long!’
She slipped her arm through Emily’s with a familiarity that would, on any other day, with any other person, have felt entirely alien and inappropriate. But Emily remembered Lolly had always walked, arm hooked through the crook of someone else’s. She moved in the direction of the bar, chattering away about how excited she was, how nice it was to get out of the house and how cheeky it felt to do it on a Sunday when she should be at home with the kids and her husband…
Lolly
‘I mean, Sundays are supposed to be a family day, aren’t they? That’s what Kitt said this morning. Oh my god, he’s SO grumpy at the moment.’ Lolly checked up the one-way street before hopping down the kerb to cross over. She clasped her hands together, her arm still looped through Emily’s because once she’d put it there, she wasn’t sure how to remove it again without feeling like she’d been over familiar or made things awkward. She was kicking herself for being an idiot, letting her nerves get the better of her chat, relieved that Emily appeared totally cool with it all. She was probably used to over friendliness, they’re all like that in her industry. ‘Bets on Jess is here already!’ she said, opening the door to let Emily in.
‘Right there,’ said Emily, her smile suddenly widening at the sight of Jess waiting at the table to the right of the door.
‘I didn’t order any drinks yet, I wasn’t sure what to get in.’ Jess looked up at the blackboard above the bar. ‘I had considered a massive jug of some kind of cocktail but wasn’t sure that was appropriate for a Sunday lunchtime.’
‘Haha, probably not,’ said Emily. ‘Oh my god, come here, how are you? You’ve not changed a bit. How is that fair?’ she said, sidling onto the bench seat beside Jess, pulling her in for a hug.
Jess held her back by her shoulders, studying her face. ‘I haven’t changed! Christ, that’s sum bleddy rich coming from you!’ she said.
She turned to Lolly, who was wondering if either of them would notice if she did in fact get the large cocktail pitcher because it may not be appropriate for a Sunday lunchtime but if she went home pissed, at least she could just fall asleep on the sofa, rather than pick up the row she had had with Kitt before she left the house. And also she was terrified.
‘Lolly, how are you?’ Jess tried to ease herself out of the side of the table to give Lolly a hug.
‘I�
��m good, thank you. Really good. Oh my god, it’s so nice to see you!’ Lolly gave her an awkward over the table hug. ‘How mad is this?’ she said, battling to escape the cross-body bag, which had tangled with her coat and hair. She eventually extricated herself, dropping onto the bench seat opposite Emily and Jess, exhausted.
‘Christ, what the hell have you got in that bag?’ asked Jess, peering at what was probably more a weekend bag to those without children.
‘What haven’t I?’ she said, reaching into it. ‘Wipes. A toy car. A packet of raisins. A book. A pack of physio bands. A diary…’ She looked closer at the bottom of her bag, having laid all previous items in a line down the table. ‘And possibly enough crumbs to make up a packet of digestives at the bottom. Oh my god, that’s gross!’ She took out a wipe to wipe her hands clear of whatever aged food stuff she’d managed to stick her finger into. ‘Eurgh!’
Emily looked stunned at the collection on the table.
‘There are many benefits to not having children,’ said Jess, holding up a tiny bag that can’t have stored more than a purse, phone and keys in it. ‘But handbag size is definitely one of them.’
‘There are more. Many more. Two cocktails and I’ll tell you them all.’ Lolly always did that, when she was out with friends. She was always self-deprecating, and always complaining about having kids. She never knew why she did it, especially knowing how desperate she was for another, and yet, she couldn’t help it. It was an attempt to be funny, to connect with those around her. Would the girls find stuff like that funny any more? Had they ever? This was going to be harder than she thought.
Amanda
Her Best Friend's Secret: A gripping, emotional novel about love, life and the power of friendship Page 11
