‘It’s fine, it’s fine. Which ward are you on? I’m on my way.’
‘I’ll wait at the main entrance. Are you sure you don’t mind?’
‘Of course not! I’ll be there as soon as I can. Are you sure you’re okay?’
Emily sniffed down the phone. ‘I will be, I should be. Thanks, Jess.’
Casting L.A. to the back of her mind, Jess took the stairs two at a time, she pulled her hair into a ponytail, then brushed her teeth as she picked out clothes to wear. She flew back downstairs, grabbing her bag, phone and keys as she shut the door behind her.
Twenty-five minutes later, she pulled up at the hospital collection point. She could see a very pale Emily just inside the doorway.
‘Hey, love. Are you okay?’ As soon as Emily saw Jess, she burst into tears and Jess couldn’t hear what she was saying through the sobs. ‘Hey, calm down. Ssshhhh. Come on, let’s get you home. No need to explain, just get in the car.’
It took five minutes of calm breathing and staring out of the window for Emily to finally explain what had happened. ‘I was so scared, Jess. I was just getting things ready for Mac, he said he’d come this afternoon and start doing some work because the conditions weren’t right for fishing. I went up in the loft to get boxes to pack a few bits away. I just lost my footing and fell.’
‘Right.’
‘And then I went to the toilet and there was a tiny bit of blood and…’ Jess pulled up at the lights by Waitrose. ‘I just… I’ve only just got used to the idea.’ Jess turned to look at Emily as her eyes filled again and her hands nursed her belly. ‘I’m pregnant, Jess.’
‘Oh my god, Emily! Oh…’ The lights changed and somebody behind Jess pipped their horn. ‘Oh, Emily, congratulations!’ Emily nodded her head, but the tears flowed once again. ‘Hey, hey. It’s okay. Is the baby okay?’ Emily nodded. ‘It’s fine then, isn’t it? It’s fine!’
‘Except that now I’ve realised I’m doing this on my own and I don’t think I can, Jess.’
‘Of course you can, hey.’ She reached out to squeeze Emily’s knee. ‘Of course you can! Women do this all the time on their own. And you’re not on your own anyway, are you! You’ve got me. You’ve got the girls.’
‘I know, but you have your own lives. You won’t want to be fussing with me when I’ve had it. You’ll be off doing whatever you do. Working, living life!’ She sniffed.
‘Living life? Christ, I should be so lucky. I’ve just taken an emergency holiday from work because I realised I’ve done the very opposite of living life. Maybe I should just move in with you and we can raise the baby together.’ Emily stared at Jess, open-mouthed. ‘I was kidding. I’m just trying to make the point that whatever it looks like to you, my life really isn’t all that.’
‘But you seem so in control of everything, so sorted.’
‘Me? Sorted!’ Jess laughed out loud before the funny side disappeared and she was left with an empty feeling in her stomach. Then she realised that her bottom lip was wobbling and shit, she was about to cry too. ‘Oh god, look at the state of us!’
Emily
‘I can’t believe it. When we all did drinks I was in awe of these brilliant, brave women you’d all turned into and I couldn’t work out how I’d missed becoming one of those.’
‘Are you kidding me? You’ve travelled the world, you’ve achieved status and money and things some people only dream of.’
‘But it wasn’t real. I was faking it the whole way through.’
‘Maybe everyone fakes it? Maybe that’s the point.’
‘I suspect Amanda isn’t faking it…’ Emily looked down at her fingers, fiddling with her skirt. ‘God, I was a bit shitty, wasn’t I?’
Jess focussed on the road up ahead. ‘Well, it was probably just a bit of a shock, that’s all.’
‘Yeah, but… she didn’t need the judgement, did she?’
Jess pulled into a petrol station, pulling on the handbrake. ‘Erm… no, she probably didn’t need it. But you know, she’ll have come across it before. And she will again.’ She flipped the visor down to check the mirror, wiping her eyes clear of tears. ‘Jesus, I don’t know what is up with me. Realising life is not what you thought it was really does throw a whole load of questions up, doesn’t it?’
‘It does. Christ. I never thought I’d be here. Back in Cornwall. With a baby on the way. Alone.’
Jess turned to face her. ‘But you’re happy, aren’t you? I mean, this small person is a version of you.’
‘And a version of his or her dad.’
‘Will he be coming over?’ Jess asked, tentatively.
Emily shook her head. She’d heard nothing from him since he walked out after she’d told him. She could feel the tears return again.
‘Oh, love, come on. You’ve got this. You’re going to be an amazing mum, I just know it. Look, hang fire. I need fuel. Do you need anything picking up? Milk, bread?’
‘Chocolate and crisps.’
‘Chocolate and crisps it is. I’ll be two minutes.’
As Jess filled the car up with fuel, Emily pulled out her phone.
I’m sorry about yesterday
she texted Amanda.
If I came across as judgemental, please know that I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. There’s no excuse. I’m just really sorry.
She clicked send, then dropped her phone back in her bag.
She pushed the small of her back into the chair and looked down at the delicate swell of her pregnant belly. In her bag was a scan. This tiny, grainy peanut of a baby was fine. The bleed was nothing to worry about. She just had to rest up and relax and stop climbing stepladders. She needed to focus on the future for her and her baby now. It wasn’t just her any more. She was going to be a mother and with all the fear that filled her with, there was also a sense of focus. She hadn’t envisaged doing it this way, this wasn’t in her teenage life plan. But this is what she was faced with and she was going to do everything in her power to embrace it.
Amanda
Pete had promised Amanda that he would keep talking to Zennor and do his best to get her to agree to meet up. Amanda couldn’t work out if she could detect a note of pity in his voice since he found out what she did. They hadn’t discussed it again and he’d been a bit different, but not to the point that he wouldn’t return calls or messages. And he hadn’t stopped messaging her either, just a couple of times over the weekend to check in with her and make sure she was okay after Zennor walked off. All Amanda could do was distract herself, making the most of the fact that when she dropped the food and shopping off for George, it was clear he needed a bit of help around the house and she got stuck right in. Cleaning, washing his clothes, listening to his stories about boats and the war and his wife, Edie, who’d passed away long before.
It helped. As had the message from Emily. It shouldn’t matter what the girls thought of her, she’d stepped back from them once before, back when she couldn’t cope with the weight of being a new mum. They had lives ahead of them: Jess was off travelling; Lolly was training; Emily had long gone. She’d survived without them then, she could survive without them now. Except now, she didn’t want to.
She finished packing up a bag full of clothes for charity, placing them by the front door to drop off later on. She just had one thing to do before she went out. Call Kitt. It was daytime. Lolly should be at work and wherever he was, whatever he was pretending to do, Amanda knew she had to try and get him to listen to her. Maybe she could help him, salvage something. Not for his sake, but for Lolly’s.
‘Hello, this is Kitt.’
‘Kitt, it’s Amanda.’
‘Yup.’ He didn’t hang up, but his voice shifted to stony and cold.
‘Have you spoken to Lolly?’
‘I’m at work right now, this isn’t a good time.’
‘It is a good time because I’ve decided it is. So unless you want me to pop round your house this evening, you’ll talk to me.’ When she’d imagined this conversation, she hadn’
t seen herself getting shitty with him so early in the call. He told her to hang on, it sounded like he was moving about, presumably to somewhere a bit more private? ‘So, does Lolly know you’re at work or does she still think you’re job hunting?’
‘What does it matter to you?’
‘It matters because she’s my friend and you’re lying to her.’
‘So are you,’ he hissed. ‘Have you told her what a dirty whore you are?’
Amanda bit the inside of her mouth, she was not giving him the satisfaction of knowing how hurtful his words were. ‘I’ve said nothing about what I do. Yet. But I will. And for the record, you didn’t have too much problem with my line of work when you were directly benefitting from it.’
‘Yeah, well. Let’s call it a moment of weakness.’
‘Weakness! Weakness? What are you talking about?’
‘Things weren’t great at home. A man has needs.’
‘You were trying for a baby, Kitt. She is desperate. How could you do that to her?’
‘Alright, okay. Maybe so. But she isn’t interested in me, just making a baby. Which isn’t going to happen anyway, since I never went for the reversal.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I don’t want another child. Why would I bother? I figured she’d go off the idea when it didn’t happen. It’s like the opposite has happened, it’s all she thinks about. Maybe that’s why I came to you. Either way, it’s not your business to get involved in my life. Isn’t there some kind of whore code?’
‘Yes. But it doesn’t cover servicing a friend’s husband, funnily enough. I can’t stand by and see you do this to her. It’s not just you lying about your job, or the fact that you pay women like me, more importantly, it’s the fact she so desperately wants a baby and Jesus, Kitt, I can’t believe you know full well it’s not going to happen!’
‘She’ll go off the idea eventually.’
‘Will she? You really think it’s a passing fad? This is about her mother, you piece of shit! This is about putting some ghosts to rest. This is about forging a new relationship like the one she never had.’
‘It’s not exactly a healthy reason to have a child. It’s an obsession. She can’t think of anything else. Do you know how hard it is being nothing more than a sperm donor? Because that’s all I feel like I am,’ he hissed.
‘Oh, give me a moment while I weep for you. You wouldn’t have to feel like that if you’d had an honest discussion with her. If you’d talked about how you felt. If you gave her enough credit that she’d listen and consider how you felt.’
‘She’s not interested in me! She doesn’t care about my feelings. She’s made that patently clear.’
‘And so have you with hers. Stalemate.’
‘I have to get back to work. If you’ve got a point to make, make it quick.’
‘Tell Lolly about what’s going on. Or at the very least, tell her about the reversal.’ Amanda was raging, fuelled by utter hatred for the man who was torturing her friend. ‘And if you don’t, I will. And then she’ll want to know how I know…’
‘You wouldn’t.’
Amanda stood up, her heart racing with determination and focus. ‘Watch me,’ she said, hanging up. Now, it was up to him.
Jess
‘You don’t have to do this,’ said Emily as Jess put a bowl full of granola in front of her. ‘I can manage.’
‘Of course you can manage. But you don’t have to is the thing.’ Jess sat in the chair opposite nursing her own bowl. Upstairs, she could hear Mac hammering stuff and generally being all builder-y. Every now and then he’d come downstairs with a length of wood to cut out on the lane before heading back upstairs, clear eye protectors still covering his face. Jess found herself looking forward to the sound of him clattering down the stairs. ‘So how are you feeling today?’ she asked, mixing the crunch with the berries and yoghurt.
‘So much better for the sleep.’
‘Yeah, you zonked!’ she said, smiling. Not long after they got back yesterday afternoon, Emily took herself off to bed for a nap and didn’t wake until first thing this morning. ‘I hope you don’t mind that I nicked a T-shirt to sleep in. Or that I stayed over, I just didn’t want to leave you on your own.’
‘Of course not. I’m really grateful!’
The part of Jess that was pleased she could help was being picked apart as she watched Emily, wondering if she ever thought about that night at her party. If she ever wondered what had happened to change everything Jess knew about herself.
They fell silent as they ate. Jess imagined that, were it not for the thunder of Mac coming down the stairs and out the front door again, it would be lovely and peaceful in the house. It had a calming feel to the place. Almost nurturing. A safe haven. ‘Does he know what he’s building?’ she asked, innocently.
‘No. No. God, what would he care? No, I just said I wanted to rework things now I was staying.’
‘What’s he doing exactly?’
‘Putting in another door from the front bedroom to the en suite so that baby and I can share. Jack and Jill, is it?’
‘Ahhh, that’s sweet.’
‘And wardrobes, I’m gonna need a load of wardrobes for storage, so he’s building some of them.’
‘Lovely.’
‘Yeah.’ Emily put her empty bowl on the coffee table, reaching for her mug of tea instead.
‘He seems nice,’ said Jess, quietly so he wouldn’t hear above the banging.
‘He does. Yeah.’
‘Maybe you two could…’
Jess moved her fingers as if to suggest there might be something between him and Emily and was surprised at how relieved she was to see Emily vehemently shake her head. ‘God no! No! He’s lovely, but really not my type. And I think I should probably focus on me and this little one for the foreseeable.’
‘Yeah, I guess so.’ Mac came back in, a length of wood in one hand as he dropped his tape measure into a tool belt. He caught sight of Jess’s eye and she blushed. When he got back upstairs, Emily fixed her with a look. ‘What?’ asked Jess.
‘You!’
‘What?’ Was it too cold to open a window? Jess was suddenly feeling very hot.
‘The state of you!’ The hammering began again and Emily raised her voice just enough for Jess to hear. ‘You like my builder!’
‘No! I do not!’
‘You totally do!’ She moved to sit cross-legged on the sofa.
‘Don’t sit like that. It’ll open your hips too wide or something. I’m sure I read about it once.’
Emily moved, but didn’t stop her line of questioning. ‘You like him! Why don’t you ask him out?’
‘Emily! As if I’d do that!’
‘Why not? You’ve spent all these years lusting after a man you thought you loved, maybe now is the time to realise you didn’t.’
‘Who says I didn’t?’
‘Okay, nobody does, but there is definitely something going on with Mac.’
Jess knew Emily had a point, but she didn’t know what to do with the information. She hadn’t been interested in anyone for years. She thought that part of her life had been a write off. She’d resigned herself to the fact a long time ago and had been fine about it. She missed having company sometimes, she wished she’d never left Jay behind, but over the years, she really thought she’d made peace with her choice. ‘Anyway, there’s no point starting anything, even if I were in the market to. Which…’ Mac came back downstairs again, forcing Jess to whisper ‘…which I am very much not. But even if I was. Now isn’t the time.’
‘There’s never a good time. Just like children!’ Emily pointed to her belly, eyebrows raised.
‘Yes, well…’
‘So what is it time for? You said you’d taken a few days off work to think things through. What are you thinking?’
Jess put her own bowl down, noticing the atlas on the bottom shelf of Emily’s coffee table. ‘I think I’ve got some things to sort. To face up to.’
�
��Like what?’
Jess looked away. She’d had time to think, sat in Emily’s house. Conversations played out in her mind, confrontations. And with each one, there had been fall out, consequences. There’d been a knock-on effect and in no scenario did their friendship come out well.
‘Facing up to stuff is hard. Take it from me,’ said Emily. Jess nodded. ‘But it’s necessary. However you do it. It’s needed, so you can move on.’
‘I know you’re right. I just don’t know how to go about it.’ Jess had never felt so conflicted. Sat before a friend she trusted implicitly, unable to explain what was going off. ‘Maybe I just need a bit more time to think. I can do that here, it’s no problem.’
‘Here? I mean, you’re welcome, always… but I don’t need you to babysit me?’
‘You don’t need me to. But maybe you’d like me to. Maybe it would be good for you to have me around for a couple more days whilst you get fully back on your feet. Like you say, that baby needs looking after. I can cook. I can clean up after Mac.’ Emily raised her eyebrows at Jess but she chose to ignore that. ‘I can get a few bits of shopping in for you. Help you plan what you need to do for baby. And when I’m not doing that I can walk on the beach and think. I think looking out to sea would be good for me, and it’s too far away from where I live.’
‘Well…’ Emily sipped at her drink, thinking.
‘I mean, if you really don’t want me to stay, it’s fine. I wouldn’t want to impose but come on… it could be nice. We could have fun. It’d be like when we went to Hayling Island with school that time.’
‘We stayed in a timber chalet that was freezing cold and sang karaoke to Kylie’s “I Should Be So Lucky”.’
Jess snorted. ‘We did! I remember! And Tiffany!’
“‘I Think We’re Alone Now!”’ shouted Emily and the girls fell about laughing.
Mac appeared in the hallway. ‘Christ, are you two on the gin already?’
Her Best Friend's Secret: A gripping, emotional novel about love, life and the power of friendship Page 24
