‘I’m so sorry,’ said Amanda, now letting silent tears stream down her face.
‘Still, we had sex last night. So you know, it might still happen.’ Emily caught Jess’s eye. ‘What? Come on! What!’
‘He didn’t have the vasectomy reversed,’ said Jess, carefully. Lolly stared, not certain of what she was hearing. ‘He told you he’d been, but he didn’t.’
‘He didn’t want another child,’ finished Amanda.
‘But he knew…’ said Lolly, breathless. ‘He knew what that meant to me…’ And that was it. That was the final detail to finish Lolly off. Jess moved to hold her as Lolly dissolved into the pain. She wrapped her arms around her, her own body moving each time Lolly sobbed. Emily took Amanda’s hand in hers and they stood, waiting, for however long it would be until Lolly could look up again and breathe.
Lolly
‘I need to sort the boys, I need to make them tea,’ said Lolly, eventually, her throat raw and her head pounding.
‘Don’t worry, we’ll sort it,’ said Jess, scrolling her phone. ‘I’ll get them pizza, set them up with a film or something upstairs.’ She disappeared up to find their room and Lolly was grateful for one less thing to think about.
Emily dug around in her bag. ‘Here, use this on your face,’ she said, handing over some kind of spritz spray that smelled of frankincense and bergamot. A fine spray landed on Lolly’s face and for a second she could almost feel normal. ‘Take these too, stave off the headache before it arrives and takes over,’ she said, passing a blister pack of paracetamol and running cold water into the champagne flute.
Lolly was dazed, grateful for their kindness. She couldn’t believe how quickly her life had changed. It hadn’t been perfect, she knew that much. It had been difficult after she found out the first time, not long after Stan was born, but she blamed herself. It had been a difficult birth, it took a long time to recover, she had neglected Kitt’s needs. But the difficulty was part of marriage, that’s what she’d always told herself. However hurt she’d been, she was making it work because that’s what she signed up for when they married. And when they agreed to be parents. And when they agreed to have another… another that she would likely never have. Emily leant against the worktop and Lolly was reminded of the new life growing inside her belly and her heart caved with a jealousy she didn’t want.
‘I should probably go,’ said Amanda, interrupting her thoughts.
Lolly looked up to see her red-rimmed eyes. The confidence, the banter she normally offered in times of stress, it had all gone. Amanda was pale, tired – frightened? ‘You don’t have to go,’ said Lolly, not yet sure how she really felt about her.
‘I think it’s probably for the best. The girls can look after you. I’ll check in, in a few days maybe, when you’ve had some time.’
‘To get used to the idea?’ Lolly asked.
Amanda shook her head. ‘That’s not what I meant… I don’t really know what I meant. Or what I expect, I just… I’d like to talk things through. When you’re ready. If you want to.’
Lolly bowed her head then nodded. She loved Amanda, but she couldn’t help that to look at her hurt right now. She wasn’t sure what was more painful, what her husband had done, or that he’d done it with someone she trusted.
Amanda grabbed her bag, she kissed Emily. She moved towards Lolly who was relieved when she opted to give her arm a gentle squeeze instead. Amanda paused before walking down the hall. ‘I stopped as soon as I knew he was your husband,’ she said. ‘I would never knowingly hurt you… ever.’
Amanda walked down the hallway, meeting Jess at the bottom of the stairs. They exchanged hushed words before Lolly saw Jess hug Amanda, then carefully close the door behind her. And as Jess came through to the kitchen, Lolly’s tears returned. The four had become three and it felt incomplete.
‘Hey, hey. Come on, come here,’ she said, pulling Lolly into her chest.
‘What am I going to do, Jess? I can’t do this alone. The boys. Work. The house! I can’t do this on my own.’
‘You don’t have to.’
‘I can’t have him back. Not this time. I can’t do that to myself.’
‘I don’t mean that, I mean us. Your other friends. Work. People will help. You’ll get all the support you need. Whatever you decide to do next, we’re here for you, aren’t we, Emily?’
‘Of course, love. Of course we are.’
‘You’ve got your own stuff to deal with,’ said Lolly, not meaning to sound quite as bitter as she suspected she did.
‘So we can work it out together,’ said Emily. ‘We can be there for each other. Support one another. You’ve done this before, you’ll know what I’m about to face.’
Lolly wasn’t sure she could. She wasn’t sure she was selfless enough to support someone with a new baby. And, oh god, what if it was a girl? Lolly hated herself for thinking it, but she just didn’t know if she could put aside her own wants to be there for anybody right now.
‘Is that someone at the door?’ asked Emily, straining to see down the hall.
Lolly hadn’t heard anything. ‘Tell him I don’t want to see him,’ she said. ‘If it’s him, tell him to go away.’
‘It’s probably the pizza I ordered.’ Jess jogged down to open the door.
‘Hi… is Lolly in?’ asked a voice. And Lolly knew exactly who it was and lost it all over again.
‘Hey, hey…. What’s the matter?’ said the woman making her way in and straight to Lolly. She looked up at Jess and Emily. ‘What’s happened,’ she asked. The girls looked at Lolly’s older sister. ‘I thought I’d surprise her a few days early…’
‘Kitt’s been at it again,’ said Lolly, the words snatched through broken sobs. ‘We were trying for a baby and he hadn’t even had his vasectomy reversed.’ She buried her head in her sister’s chest, her sister looked stunned, stroking her hair.
‘How did you find out?’ asked Joanna, which made Lolly let out another, loud sob. ‘Hey… hey…’
‘He was seeing a friend of mine. She has sex for a job.’
‘Oh god.’
‘She says she didn’t know.’
‘I believe her,’ said Emily.
‘I’m certain,’ chimed in Jess. ‘We met up and she told us everything. She was trying to get Kitt to tell Lolly herself and he wouldn’t have it. He was getting more and more aggressive towards her.’ Lolly sniffed, Joanna stared, stunned. ‘Lolly, Amanda hates how this has hurt you,’ she pleaded.
It was two hours later when Lolly closed the door to Jess and Emily. The boys had been fed and the leftover pizza sat congealed in the box on her kitchen top. She could hear Joanna bathing them, making them laugh, telling them outrageous stories and splashing water all over. Lolly stood by the patio doors looking out onto the garden she’d planted with Kitt. Plants were out of control, others were dead. A deflated football sat in the middle of the lawn and Lolly could remember the last time they all went out to play with it. It was Christmas, when Kitt had finally told her they could try for another child. When she thought that New Year was going to be their best yet. In that moment, the ups and downs they’d had through their marriage had paled because he’d finally agreed to something that meant everything to her. She remembered falling in love with him all over again. She remembered how close to him she felt, how lucky she felt to have a husband and a home and two healthy boys. She remembered that feeling of excitement about what was to come, and she remembered going to bed that night, them making love, and her drifting off to sleep imagining what their little girl might grow up to look like. To sound like. To be like.
It was the last dream in her life. The last thing she wanted to achieve. It was her only missing piece. And now, at forty years old, everything she hoped and dreamed for herself and her boys lay in tatters. And she had no clue if she would survive.
Jess
Jess and Emily were silent in the car. Jess didn’t know about Emily, but for her, the last few hours had propelled life to the forefro
nt. Just as Lolly was facing the reality of what Kitt’s actions meant for her as a mum and a human being in her own right, Jess could feel her own baggage unfold. Something she’d hidden for so long, something she’d held shame for. Something that had set the tone for the rest of her life and something she now knew, without any doubt, she had no blame for.
Should she say something? Report her attacker? It had been so many years. Who would believe her now? Did she even believe herself? There were times when she relived what happened and wondered if she’d simply misread his advances.
Her best friend’s father.
She’d relived it in recent days, she’d tried to remember if there was any innocence in his touch, in the ghost feel of him up against her. She could still taste stale whiskey and smell the stench of his cigar. She still felt the grip on her arm when she tried to leave and felt the fear, deep in the pit of her belly, as he told her to stay. It would be their secret, she didn’t have to be frightened, he would be gentle. That it didn’t matter if it was her first time because he was experienced, he’d show her how to enjoy herself.
‘What happened to you?’ asked Emily, out of the blue.
Jess stared out of the window. That Emily’s father hadn’t actually had sex with her was only because someone tried to get into his office and he lost his nerve. That she got away with her virginity intact didn’t take away from the pain of knowing where and how he’d touched her. It didn’t save her fear, it didn’t stop the vivid memory of his touch.
‘At the party. What happened to you?’
Would Jess always be able to feel him?
‘Jess?’
She didn’t respond, biting the inside of her cheek instead. She couldn’t tell Emily what had happened without the rest of the story unfolding. And just as Amanda hadn’t wanted to hurt Lolly, something it was clear after tonight she couldn’t have avoided, Jess didn’t want to hurt Emily. There was nothing in her bones that wanted their friendship to disintegrate. She was ready to make changes, she could see that now, but not ones that would affect anyone else.
She had told her parents that same night. Full of shame and regret and hurt. They hadn’t fought for her, they let him escape. Let him run away with his family and start a new life in a new country. Maybe if they’d dealt with it then, it would have been different. Did he stop? Was she the only one? Or was this the way he was, a symptom of an era that had no respect for women, for young girls. An era that protected men and their delicate reputations above and beyond anything else. If she said nothing now, all these years on, did it make her complicit? Was she letting him get away with it?
Or was she protecting herself in the only way she knew how? By protecting the life and the people she needed to have around her in order to survive. In order to thrive. In order to stop him suffocating the rest of her life as he had from then until now. He’d taken enough of her life, hadn’t he?
Emily stopped the car outside Jess’s house. ‘Did something happen to change you, Jess?’ Emily’s voice was soft, gentle. She didn’t pose a threat, she was safe in so many ways and yet…
Jess nodded. ‘Something did.’
‘Oh, Jess,’ Emily whispered. ‘I’m so sorry…’
Jess took a deep breath, forcing herself not to give in to tears because she was tired of them. ‘You don’t have to be sorry any more than I do,’ she said.
‘When? I mean… how? Who? I thought we knew everyone there? Who did we know that could have done something like that?’
Jess pulled her bag into her, if ever there was a time to tell her it was now. And yet… ‘Do you know what? The detail doesn’t matter. It changes nothing.’
‘I know, but… I just feel so bad for you. I mean, you were so bright, so full of life. It must have been so awful, to have sucked you away like that. Someone should pay, they shouldn’t get away with it. You deserve better!’
Jess nodded. ‘I do. But you know, I think I’ve realised something, just in these last few weeks of having you lot back in my life, I can’t let it take any more of me. It’s had too much, he’s had too much. I won’t allow him to take any more. I do deserve better. I deserve happiness. I deserve to find me.’
‘We all do!’
Jess nodded. ‘We all do.’
Emily pulled Jess in for a hug. ‘How the hell did I get through life this far without you lot?’
Jess laughed. ‘God knows, but we made it this far and we’re doing okay, just imagine what the rest of our life will be like now. All four of us, taking on the world.’
‘Yes!’
‘And your little one. He or she is not going to go short on love and affection and guidance and wisdom… and maybe stories about you from when we were kids.’
‘Thank god I moved away before any of the really embarrassing stories happened!’ Emily laughed.
‘Oh I don’t know, we were sixteen. I reckon there’s a few we can drag up, no problem. Look, go on. Thanks for the lift. Text me when you get home.’
‘Will do. Love you, Jess.’
‘Love you too, Emily.’
Jess stood on the street, waving Emily off before turning to let herself into the house. There were things she needed to do, without a doubt. Therapy to start with, get talking through things. Matt had been right about that too, not that she’d ever let on. He was already smug factor ten at her taking control of her destiny. It wasn’t going to be easy, and she still wasn’t sure how she felt about effectively letting Emily’s dad get away with what he did, but one thing she did know was she was ready to make changes. Changes that applied to work too, and not to avoid Jay, but to welcome new opportunities. She could just about feel, in her heart, a determination to explore her dreams, something she’d buried years ago. Now she just had to work out what they looked like.
Emily
Exhausted, Emily threw her bag down and dropped into the sofa, face down before adjusting because her bump was not happy. She tried calling Amanda after leaving Jess but she hadn’t picked up. Maybe time was needed there, time and patience. Lolly would come round, Emily was certain of that and it wouldn’t take long before the four of them could pick things up properly. They’d have to, at the risk of selfish thought, Emily needed them. She couldn’t help feel they probably needed her too.
She turned over, letting her legs cross on the chair arm as she put her hands, palms down, on her belly. Seeing Lolly in so much pain had really brought it home to her that she was lucky, as perverse as it felt. She was lucky that she could do this her way, alone, without distraction. She wanted to read up on every aspect of pregnancy, then motherhood. She wanted to read blogs and accounts, she wanted to plan for their future together. A tight team of two, with three fairy godmothers. She pictured the nursery all finished, her rocking in a chair, feeding her newborn. She thought about the school and the friends and the birthdays. She closed her eyes and imagined them wandering down to the shoreline to paddle. Tiny toes lost in the sand as the tide turned. She groaned at the knock on the door because she couldn’t be bothered to get up but had dropped the latch so if it was Mac, he couldn’t let himself in. She suspected it probably was, he’d left some tools here the other day and might need them before he came back to hers.
‘Hello, I’m coming,’ she shouted, hauling herself up to standing. ‘Woah, head rush. Hang on,’ she said, giving herself a minute before padding across to answer the door. ‘Maybe I just need to get you a key, then you can come and go as you— Oh!’
Where she’d expected Mac, Jackson was standing. ‘Emily.’
‘What are you doing here?’
‘I’ve had time to think. I’ve decided I’d come and get you. We could do this together, raise our baby in New York. I know I’ve always said I didn’t want children and I really didn’t think I did, but the more I’ve thought about it since—’
‘—since you walked out in silence when I told you I was pregnant.’
‘Well… yes.’ He ruffled his hair and she was glad he appeared to feel some kind of sham
e at the fact. ‘But I didn’t know what to do. The whole journey back to the airport, on the flight home, I kept telling myself it was best for us both if I left you to it. I’ve got a big new project on, I knew I needed to focus. But I can’t focus… not without you by my side.’
Emily looked at him. She’d never seen him look vulnerable before. She’d never seen him look needy. Was he nervous, or scared? ‘You’d better come in,’ she said, standing back.
Jackson stood in the hallway looking around again. ‘It really is lovely here,’ he said.
‘That’s not what you said last time.’
‘I was being a jerk. I thought you would want to feel like I was fighting for you. I thought I could just come back and collect you, I didn’t realise…’
‘What? That I had my own mind.’
‘No. Well… maybe. I don’t know. I guess—’
‘You underestimated me. Just like you always have done.’
‘Do you really think that?’
‘I know that, Jackson. You thought I’d do what you said when you booked that termination. You certainly didn’t expect me to leave you. And I don’t think you imagined for one minute that I’d stay here. You have always underestimated me and, for a while, it didn’t matter, but you know what, it does now. It does matter.’
‘So, I’ve learned my lesson. Christ, Em, I will never underestimate you again. You are so much stronger than I ever realised, and I know you could do this on your own, this whole…’ He circled in the direction of her belly, which irked Emily slightly. ‘But you don’t have to. Let’s go home. Let’s do it together. Let’s be the best parents we can be.’
Her Best Friend's Secret: A gripping, emotional novel about love, life and the power of friendship Page 27
