by A. J. Markam
“Why not,” the troll agreed placidly.
“We’ll help ya out, Ian!” the goblin said cheerfully. “Yer in good hands with us, mate!”
“Just so you know, he’s talking about the same hands he masturbated with last night,” the orc said.
“The best hands EVER!” the goblin cackled.
“Ugh,” the troll groaned as he stood up from the table. “Let’s go before I throw up in the back of my mouth again.”
19
We walked over to the coliseum and queued up to enter the little stone shack at the center of the courtyard. We chatted as we shuffled along in line – all except Soraiya, who continued to remain silent under her burqa. Fugly squatted on the ground beside me, and I fed him scraps of bread to keep him occupied.
I tried to make Wylla go away – after all, we didn’t really need a Level 1 fairy in a fight – but she wasn’t having it.
“This is going to be dangerous,” I said. “You should leave.”
“I is NOT going to abandon Mistress!” the little golden blur squeaked.
“Can you tell her to go away?” I asked Alaria.
- Believe me, I’ve tried. She’s not going anywhere.
“That’s right!” Wylla hmphed triumphantly. “Not without my Mistress!”
“Heh heh,” Slothfart chortled. “‘Not without my Mistress.’ Makes it sound like she’s Sally Field playing a sugar mama who left her girlfriend in the Middle East somewhere.”
“What’s a sugar mama?” Wylla asked.
“Don’t,” I tried warning Slothfart, but it was too late.
“Why not?” the Frost Mage asked.
Before I could answer, the orc said, “It’s where an older lady pays somebody to fuck ‘em.”
“What is ‘fuck’?” the fairy asked.
Stig repeatedly thrust his finger through his OK sign.
Fwap-fwap-fwap-fwap.
“That’s why not,” I sighed.
Of course, Slothfart and Russell the goblin howled with laughter and about peed their armor, they thought it was so funny.
The entire time we waited in line for the dungeon, I kept a wary eye out for both the bounty hunters and the palace guard, but luckily didn’t see either. Still, I kept my head hidden under the red robe and glanced around every few seconds.
“What’s with all the hiding?” Jen asked me.
“Let’s just say I’m eager to avoid Imperial Entanglements.”
“A Star Wars nerd,” she smirked, like Figures.
I grinned. “You knew it was a quote, and not one of the more famous ones, so what does that say about you?”
“I’ll do you one better. It’s actually, you’d like to avoid Imperial Entanglements.”
“Ha!” I laughed. “Hello, pot.”
“Who’s got pot?” the orc said, whirling his head around.
“What?” I asked.
“What?” the Frost Mage asked me at the same time, confused.
“I’m the kettle,” I said, holding out my hand to her. “You just called me black, I believe.”
“That’s culturally insensitive!” the goblin said gleefully.
“Yeah, dude, don’t be racist,” the orc chided me.
“What?!” I said, panicked. “No, it was a joke – the pot calling the kettle black – ”
“They’re kidding, Ian,” Jen said with a gentle smile.
“…oh,” I said, relieved.
“Or,” Richard the troll interjected, “as ‘the kids’ say, ‘They are fucking with you.’”
“Don’t ya mean, ‘they’re fuckin’ with ya’?” the goblin said.
“That’s what I said,” the troll replied. “‘They are fucking with you.’”
“No, dude,” Slothfart said, “you said it like you’re an English teacher who doesn’t say ‘fuck’ but who’s trying to be cool. You said it like a polite old British dude on quaaludes telling a bunch of kids to get off his lawn.”
“That’s because that is my particular brand of humor,” the troll said in a deadpan voice. “I plan to do an entire standup routine as a polite, elderly British gentleman using illicit substances.”
“And you thought your imp was annoying,” Jen said to me.
“How long have you guys been gaming together?” I asked.
She looked over at the others. “When did we start the internship?”
The orc started counting on his chain-mailed fingers. “Um…”
“June,” Richard the troll said. “So almost seven months now.”
“You guys all work together?” I asked.
“Yeah,” Jen replied, “we’re all interning at the same tech startup in San Francisco. That’s how we met.”
“How come two of you are British?”
“We had to sneak over the bordah,” Russell beamed, mangling ‘border’ with his Cockney accent. “Shhh, don’t tell.”
“Thank your government’s H-1B visas,” Richard said drily. “Without them we wouldn’t be able to take away honest Americans’ non-paying jobs.”
I laughed. “Cool by me. Take all the non-paying jobs you want.”
“Yeah, although I’m trying to get them to switch over to DarkWorld,” Jen said.
DarkWorld was one of the major online gaming competitors for OtherWorld.
“What?!” I exclaimed. “Why would you do that?”
“The monthly fees are cheaper. I mean, we are interns, after all.”
“An’ they say they’re gonna have an adult version in the next year or two!” Russell hooted, then wiggled his eyebrows. “An’ you know what that means!”
“Yeah,” Stig croaked out, and immediately started fwap-fwap-fwapping with his fingers.
The orc and goblin both burst out in howls of laughter.
“The little bloke gets it!” Russell cried out joyfully.
“Yeah, no more simulated chicken-fucking!” the orc laughed.
“REAL birds, baby!” Russell hooted.
“Digital ones, at least,” Richard the troll said drily.
I bit my tongue. No good mentioning that I was actually inside the adult version of OtherWorld right now. I REALLY didn’t want to answer any questions about that.
It turned out to be the right call.
“I could care less about the adult version,” Jen said to me, “but there are also rumors about them coming out with an immersion pod you can stay inside for days at a time.”
I had to bite my tongue again. I mean, I was actually inside a prototype immersive unit at that very second.
“I should point out that the two things you mentioned as benefits are mutually exclusive,” Richard said. “Wanting more affordable subscription fees, and yet also wanting an immersion unit that will undoubtedly cost tens of thousands of dollars.”
“I’m aspirational,” Jen shot back.
Richard continued, “And when will you get the time to stay in an immersion unit, with your eight-hour-a-day internship, which you’re hoping to turn into a twelve-hour-a-day job?”
“Quit harshing my buzz, Richard,” Jen griped.
“Yeah, dude, you’re harshing my actual buzz,” the orc said. “In fact, hold on a sec – ”
Suddenly the orc’s face went completely slack-jawed. His arms hung down loosely by his side as he stared off into space.
“Did he just disconnect to go take a hit?” I asked, more than a little surprised.
“He probably just took off his VR mask is all,” Jen said.
“He’s going to get stoned before we go in the dungeon?”
“Technically,” Jen said, “he’s just topping off. He’s pretty much always stoned.”
“Don’t worry, Ian, he’s a right pro at gaming fucked up!” Russell informed me happily.
“He’s like a student who smokes marijuana whilst studying,” Richard said, “who performs better on the exam in an altered state.”
“…okay…” I said, not quite sure what to make of that.
I wasn’t a pot smoker. Even
if I were, if I showed up for my job after having smoked out, I was pretty sure they would fire me on the spot.
Suddenly Slothfart’s big green orc face became animated once again, and his arms started moving.
“Okay, I’m back,” he said in the kind of voice stoners use when they’re talking but trying to still keep in a lungful of smoke.
“So he’s still good when he’s stoned?” I asked.
“He’s ONLY good when he’s stoned!” Russell grinned.
Slothfart tipped his head to the side like he had to agree. “…he’s not wrong…”
“It’ll be fine,” Jen assured me.
“Is he really going to tank stoned, though?”
“Oh, he’s not the tank.”
“What?” I said, looking over at the eight-foot-tall orc. He was the obvious choice. “Then who – ”
“I am!” the three-foot-tall goblin said cheerfully.
“Yup,” Slothfart agreed, then started coughing and hacking. “Oh, that was a good one.”
Huh.
It made sense from a technical perspective. The goblin wore plate armor, while the orc had on chainmail – which meant the goblin had more physical protection.
But… still…
“I can see it in yer face, Ian!” Russell said merrily. “Just remember, mate – size don’t matter! Except when you’re fuckin’ chickens!”
He grasped an imaginary chicken in front of his crotch and began to hump the air obscenely.
- Yeah, Ian, Alaria said in amusement. Size doesn’t matter, remember?
“Ha ha,” I muttered without laughing.
“Touch a nerve?” Jen asked with a smile and half-raised eyebrow.
“What? No,” I said defensively. “No, I was talking to my girlfr– ”
Shit.
I didn’t catch myself in time.
“ – uh, the, uh, dungeon core.”
Everybody in the group stared at me.
“Dude, am I really fucked up, or did he just say the dungeon core is his girlfriend?” Slothfart asked.
“You are really fucked up,” Richard said in a deadpan voice, “but yes, he did just say that he has a romantic relationship with a crystal.”
“Do you fuck it?” Russell asked curiously.
“All the time,” Stig grumbled with another fwap-fwap-fwap.
I could hear Soraiya snickering under her blue burqa.
“It’s not like that!” I protested to the group.
“Do you stick it in your bunghole?” Russell asked.
“NO!”
- Unfortunately, Alaria sighed.
Russell looked puzzled. “In yer PEE hole?!”
“NOOO!”
- Oooh, Alaria giggled. Now that’s extreme…
“I don’t stick it ‘in’ anywhere!” I yelled, and then blushed bright red as twenty players standing in line around us all looked over at me.
“Hey, no judgements,” Jen said. “We live in San Francisco, remember? You do you.”
“Literally,” Richard the troll grinned. “Well, with a bit of help from the sex toy.”
“IT’S NOT A SEX TOY!” I hissed. “I’m a Warlock, which means I have demons, so I have a succubus – ”
“Isn’t that a sex demon?” Jen interrupted.
“Sex demoness,” Richard piped up. “In the Middle Ages, people believed they appeared to men and had coitus with them in their sleep.”
“Did you just say coitus?” the orc asked. “Or am I still fucked up?”
“Yes and yes,” Richard answered.
Slothfart turned to me. “Dude, that crystal fucks you up the ass while you sleep?”
“NO!” I roared. “My succubus got her soul transferred into the crystal so now we have to go see the crystal in THIS dungeon so it can put her back in her regular body!”
“…and then she’ll fuck you up the arse?” Russell asked, trying to understand.
“NO!!! NOBODY’S FUCKING ME UP THE ASS!” I yelled, then immediately blushed as 40 players around us looked at me again.
“That’s what she said,” Stig piped up, to the delight of both Russell and Slothfart.
“So…” Jen said slowly, “…you have a sex demoness, trapped in a crystal, who you talk to… and now you’re going to find a bigger crystal to turn her back into a sex demoness.”
“Yes!”
“Don’t take this the wrong way, Ian, but… are you on any sort of meds in real life?”
“NO! It’s the fucking quest!”
“Or… is it the quest for fucking?” Richard said in a deadpan voice.
“Quest for fuckin’! Quest for fuckin’! Party time, ex-cel-lent!” the orc shouted as he humped the air and slapped an imaginary ass.
“I so do not ever want to play an adult version of this game,” Jen muttered under her breath.
- I think a threesome is out of the question now, Alaria said.
“Quiet, you,” I growled.
Jen frowned. “Are you talking to me, or – ”
“NO, my – the, uh, crystal!”
“Do you sweet talk it while it’s buggerin’ you up the arse?” Russell asked gleefully.
“IT DOESN’T – ” I stopped, then got control of myself and hissed, “It doesn’t ‘bugger me up the ass!’”
“Riiiiiight,” Russell said, and winked as he grinned. “And you thought I was strange for fuckin’ a chicken!”
“I’m not fucking the crystal!” I hissed.
- Unfortunately, Alaria said yet again.
“Me thinks the lady doth protest too much,” Richard said.
“I’m not a lady!” I yelled.
“If you take it up the arse, ya kinda are, mate,” Russell grinned.
“I DON’T!” I looked at Jen. “You believe me, right?”
“About not taking it up the ass?” Slothfart asked.
“NO, THAT IT’S A QUEST!”
Jen squinted. “Look, I believe that you believe it’s a quest – ”
“THIS IS NOT IN MY HEAD!”
“But it’s goin’ in your arse,” Russell hooted.
“If it’s not just in your head,” Jen said delicately, “then it’s a really weird quest. One I’ve never heard of before.”
“Hey dude,” Slothfart asked, “can I have some of what you’re smokin’? That’s some good shit.”
“Here, I’ll prove it,” I said angrily, and removed the necklace from around my neck and thrust it towards Jen. “Touch it.”
“That’s what she said,” Stig croaked.
The orc snorted. “Almost nailed it, little dude, but not quite.”
“That’s what she said,” Stig repeated.
The orc chortled. “I – does that work, or am I just stoned?”
“Not really, and yes,” Richard said.
“Go on!” I said to Jen as I brandished the crystal at her.
She put her hands up like I was mugging her. “Uh, look… if that thing’s been… inside your ass…”
- Unfortunately not, Alaria sighed.
“It hasn’t been inside my ass!” I seethed.
- Although I’ve been inside a lot of WOMEN’S asses recently, Alaria said, thinking it over.
I didn’t see any reason to mention that.
But it did give me an idea.
“There’s not an adult expansion pack yet, right?” I prodded. “So I can’t do anything sexual with it!”
It was a little white lie, but one I figured was harmless enough.
- What are you TALKING about? Alaria asked.
“Shhh,” I shushed her, then waggled the crystal at Jen. “Just touch it.”
“That’s what she said,” Stig piped up.
“Still not quite there yet,” Slothfart told him.
“That’s what she said.”
“No…”
Stig was about to speak when Richard interrupted him.
“And please don’t say ‘That’s what she said’ after someone says ‘No.’”
“…o-kaa
aay,” Stig grumbled.
“If I touch your crystal,” Jen asked in exasperation, being very careful not to use a pronoun that would leave her open to another That’s what she said joke, “will you leave me alone?”
“Yes!”
“Fine,” she sighed, and placed a finger on it.
Nothing.
“Well?” she asked.
“Alaria, say something,” I commanded.
Silence.
“ALARIA, this isn’t FUNNY,” I hissed at the crystal.
“No, it’s slightly disturbing,” Richard muttered.
“Alaria, PLEASE – ”
- You told me to shhh.
“OH SHIT!” Jen yelped, and jerked back her hand like the crystal had burned her.
“What?” the three other guys asked at the same time.
“I heard a voice!” Jen babbled. “In my head! A woman’s voice!”
“Oh my god, his insanity is contagious,” Richard murmured.
“No, really, I heard it!” Jen insisted.
“I wanna touch it, I wanna touch it!” Russell said excitedly.
“That’s what she said,” Stig croaked.
“Heh heh heh,” Slothfart chuckled. “Okay, you nailed it that time.”
“That’s what she said.”
Slothfart looked like he was thinking, then shook his head. “No…”
Stig was about to speak when Richard held up his forefinger like Anh-anh-anh.
Stig slumped down and muttered grumpily under his breath.
“Can I touch it?!” Russell yelped, and without waiting put his steel gauntleted hand on the crystal.
- Hey! Alaria barked.
“I don’t hear anything,” Russell said, disappointed.
“You have to touch it with bare skin,” I said.
“That’s what she said,” Stig said.
Slothfart doubled over with laughter.
I looked over at Jen. “You believe me now, right?”
“…yeah… I guess so,” she admitted.
“So you know I’m not crazy.”
“Well, I didn’t say that…”
I glared at her.
She grinned, then relented. “You’re not crazy.”
“GOOD.”
“Yes,” Richard intoned, “as a rule, one never wants to enter a dungeon in the company of a person who should most likely be institutionalized.”
“But pot-smoking orcs are okay?” I asked.
“Hell yeah!” Slothfart said.
