by A. J. Markam
Unfortunately for Quint, what finally got him wasn’t the things he could see.
It was the thing that he couldn’t.
As he was hacking through the monsters, the floor collapsed beneath him into a 45-degree ramp. Quint lost his footing, fell onto his back, and slid down –
Straight into the chomping maw of a nightmare.
It was like the Devil took a giant black sea anemone, put a Great White’s mouth in the middle, and added in some tentacles with screeching black heads on them for good measure.
The Grand Inquisitor screamed as his feet entered the monster’s mouth, then screamed some more as its fangs pierced his armor like knives through aluminum foil.
Quint met his end like his namesake in JAWS: sliding into the mouth of the Beast as it devoured him inch by inch.
He kicked and he flailed and he hacked with his sword, but none of it was enough to forestall his doom.
In the end he went pale and stopped screaming. Then he stopped moving. Finally the rest of his body tumbled into the abomination’s mouth and disappeared into its gullet.
Thus ended the reign of the great Grand Inquisitor, slain by one of the rogue dungeons he had hunted all his life.
And if I didn’t hurry the fuck up, that same fate was awaiting me, Alaria, Deek, Stig, and Fugly.
I had to get us all the fuck out of here quick before –
Suddenly I was wracked with horrific pain.
“AAAAAAH!” I screamed.
I was terrified that the Rogue Dungeon had gotten to me.
Worse, that it had gotten to Alaria.
I tried zooming out to see what had happened, but another jolt of pain seized my entire body like I was being electrocuted.
There was a flash of light, and suddenly I hit the floor with a THUD.
I stared up at the Sistine Chapel ceiling and realized I was back in my own body in Deek’s throne room. The purple dungeon core stood next to me on its pedestal, and Alaria’s tiny crystal leaned up against it.
In my stats menu bar, I saw that my hit points were at 75%.
That explains it.
Something must have attacked my real body and pulled me out of the dungeon core controls.
I looked around in a panic, expecting to see the walls of the throne room torn apart and spilling out the afterbirth of nightmares.
I was relieved to find the walls intact, with no gangrenous xenomorphs or Nyarlathoteps to be seen.
It wasn’t the Rogue Dungeon that had torn me away from the dungeon controls, although what had wasn’t much better.
I found myself staring up into the faces of the three bounty hunters: Zoran, Sketterex, and Cirra.
Well, SHIT.
Here we go again.
35
Though the bounty hunters themselves didn’t look that much the worse for wear, their time in the dungeon had reduced their clothes to tatters.
Unfortunately, I could see a lot more of the undead shaman’s bony bod than I could of the hot female Air Mage’s – but now really wasn’t the time to dwell on that.
“Where the hell did you come from?!” I yelped as I stumbled to my feet.
Zoran smiled. “Imagine our surprise, after nearly 12 hours of fighting our way through this damned dungeon, when all the creatures suddenly left, and we could suddenly travel unimpeded.”
Oh shit.
I remembered Deek’s words:
ANOTHER REASON I LIKE TO SPACE EVERYBODY OUT IS SO YOU DON’T GO LEAVIN’ UNPROTECTED GAPS WHERE SOMEBODY CAN SLIP THROUGH TEN FLOORS WITHOUT DOIN’ SHIT.
I’d left the henhouse unguarded, and now here were the foxes.
Stig and Fugly tensed behind me, but I gestured at them to wait.
Then I turned back to the bounty hunters and tried to reason with them. “Look, I know you want to take me back to Varkus – ”
“Actually,” Sketterex the shaman seethed, “I want to kill you. Repeatedly.”
“Yeah, well, you’re gonna have to take a number and get in line. We’re about to get mowed under by a Rogue Dungeon, so we need to – ”
“This Rogue Dungeon?” Zoran asked, pointing as he strolled towards the purple crystal behind me.
I was very aware that Deek was currently AWOL – and that he only had 50,000 Health. A few blue-energy punches from Zoran and Deek would be reduced to dust.
I stepped between the Monk and the dungeon core.
“No. He’s not the problem, so leave him alone. You want me, not – ”
“‘Him’? You refer to this thing as ‘him’?” Zoran asked in amusement. “That implies some kind of personal connection.”
“Perhaps they’re lovers,” Cirra smirked.
Bitch.
“Look, I’m not lying to you,” I said in a panic. “We need to work together!”
“Together?” the Monk said in disbelief, then laughed. “The only thing we will be doing ‘together’ is traveling back to Varkus… after we’ve killed you several hundred times.”
“Look, there’s no time to – ”
“Who’s this?” Sketterex said lasciviously as he walked over to Alaria’s unmoving body.
“Leave her alone,” I snarled.
“Oooh – maybe that’s his lover,” Cirra cooed.
“Is that so?” The shaman knelt down beside Alaria. “I wonder how such a skinny pup got such a voluptuous morsel.”
“I SAID LEAVE HER ALONE!”
Sketterex smirked at me and reached out one bony hand for Alaria’s breasts. “Stupid boy – you’re in no position to tell me what to – ”
“FUCK YOU!” I roared as I cast Terrify.
The shaman’s empty eye sockets widened, and he looked like he was about to shit what was left of his pants. He stumbled backwards and turned to flee –
But Zoran grabbed him by the neck and held him fast.
“Let go!” Sketterex begged the Monk.
“It’s merely a spell, brother,” Zoran said calmly as he stared me in the eyes. “It will pass.”
“Trust me, it will,” Cirra said, then scowled at me. “I know from experience.”
“Please,” the shaman whimpered, “I have to run away!”
“No,” Zoran said soothingly, “we’re going to stay right here until it wears off… and then you can have your revenge.”
Shit.
I looked back and forth between Alaria’s body and Deek’s crystal.
I couldn’t protect both of them at the same time. Hell, I couldn’t even protect myself.
I had to get the bounty hunters out of here, now. Maybe then Deek might have a chance to save Alaria before the Rogue Dungeon showed up.
I stepped towards Zoran and held out my hands like I wanted to be handcuffed. “I give up. Let’s go. NOW.”
Zoran smiled quizzically. “I don’t understand. Just seconds ago you were telling me we had to ‘work together.’”
“Well, you’re obviously not prepared to do that, so LET’S GO.”
Sketterex had simmered down over the last few seconds, and then stopped struggling altogether. “Let me be, Zoran.”
“Are you in your right mind?”
“I am,” the shaman seethed as his two red, glowing pupils bore down on me. “And I am going to make him pay for that.”
I could see this wasn’t going to go the way I wanted.
“Ah, fuck it,” I snarled as I cast Soul Suck right in Zoran’s smirking face. “FUGLY, EAT THE DEAD GUY! STIG, SMACK THAT BITCH UP!”
Things quickly devolved into a shitshow.
Stig teleported over in front of Cirra and smacked her, alright. Just with a fireball to the face.
She screamed and blasted him away with a 100 mph wind blast, but he teleported behind her and set her hair on fire.
Sketterex started to cast one of his hoodoo-voodoo things, but Fugly was faster.
Hhhhhawwwk!
P-TOOIE!
A big, juicy, green blob went right in the shaman’s left eye socket and started to sizzle like
water on a hot skillet.
“AAAAAAAH!” the dead guy screeched as he tried to dig it out.
It’s kind of disturbing watching somebody stick their fingers in their own eye socket, even if they are a skeleton.
I didn’t have much time to watch, though, because Zoran slammed his glowing blue, open palm into my chest and sent me tumbling backwards onto the ground.
I tried to scramble to my feet, but a roundhouse kick sent me thudding back against the solid marble pedestal that Deek’s crystal stood on.
OW.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow –
Zoran stood over me, and his hand glowed a bright, crackling blue. “Prepare to die your first of many deaths, warlock.”
He reared up his hand to punch straight down into my head –
CRACK!
The tip of a flaming whip snapped right into his eye, turning the socket into a fiery hole.
“AAAAAAH!”
As Zoran staggered backwards, a woman’s voice said loudly, “Over my dead body, asshole.”
I gasped in surprise.
NO –
Was it – ?!
I swung my head around to see.
There stood Alaria, fiery whip in hand.
“Actually,” she said to Zoran, “I was sort of dead for a while, so… I guess it’s ‘over my live body.’”
“ALARIA!” I cried out as I stumbled to my feet.
“Hey, babe,” she grinned.
I ran for her and swept her into my arms. She laughed as I twirled her around and kissed her hard.
Two seconds later, though, our feet flew out from under us as a blue shockwave blasted through the floor.
We found ourselves on our backs looking up at the half-ruined face of Zoran.
“Maybe we oughta kill them first, then celebrate,” Alaria suggested.
“Yeah, that’s probably a good idea,” I muttered as I scrambled to my feet.
Zoran snarled, “You think one mere succubus will turn the tide of this fight?”
“If not one, how about two?” another familiar voice chimed in, just as a fireball smashed into Zoran’s silver locks.
The Monk howled in fury and turned around to see Soraiya standing in an alcove.
“And why not a couple of incubi while we’re at it?” The plum-colored succubus grinned, then called coquettishly, “Oh, boyyyysss!”
The two big red dudes from earlier emerged behind her from the same alcove, and fwoosh! each summoned a flaming pitchfork.
And then the most intimidating voice of all spoke up.
“OH, Y’ALL IN FOR A WORLD OF HURT NOW, MOTHERFUCKERS.”
“Deek!” I cried out joyfully.
“THAT’S RIGHT BITCHES, I’M BACK. AND I’M ABOUT TO – ”
That’s when all hell broke loose.
The far wall of the throne room split open, and out came the imaginings of a diseased mind: gangrenous xenomorphs, horrific tentacled things, ch-Ch-CH-CH-ing carpets of black insects.
The Rogue Dungeon was finally here.
And along with its hellish foot soldiers, a ghastly voice floated up out of the darkness:
“hUmAAANNNSssss… dUngEOn coRRRRRe…”
Zoran, Sketterex, and Cirra stared in shell-shocked silence.
Deek wasn’t quite so reserved.
“OH SHIT, WE FUCKED!”
Stig began to tremble. “Uh oh…”
Fugly covered his head with his tiny clawed hands and half-grunted, half-whimpered. “muh…”
Soraiya cried out and stumbled backwards into the incubi, who looked like they were about to shit their leather pants.
Alaria just muttered, “Fuck me with a crossbow,” as she stared at the approaching hordes.
Zoran finally recovered – and he apparently wasn’t about to back down from a fight. “Cirra, blast those abominations!”
The Air Mage sent hurricane-level gusts through the hall. They blew back everything – the carpet of insects, the tentacle monsters, even the H.R. Giger monstrosities.
For a second I thought Cirra might just be our salvation.
What she failed to see were the three rotting xenomorphs that scampered along the walls of the hall, using the statuary as toe-holds for their claws. Then, when they got far enough back, they leapt off into the wind.
The gusts carried them right towards Cirra.
“Look out!” I shouted too late.
Two of the three monsters missed her and went sailing past.
The third didn’t.
The Air Mage screamed – and then stopped screaming as her head toppled from her neck and her body collapsed to the floor.
The winds died away, and the monsters advanced.
“Sketterex!” Zoran yelled.
The shaman began to summon his ghost snakes and spirit hands –
Until a tentacle snagged him and pulled him screaming into a dagger-toothed mouth.
Zoran, fool that he was, ran straight for the nearest monster, both his fists and feet glowing blue.
He punched one and crushed its skull.
He spun around and kicked the next, slamming it to the ground.
But the next six pounced on him like Rottweilers fighting over a steak.
All I heard after that were his screams and the sounds of rending flesh.
Suddenly a stone wall blasted upwards from the floor, sealing us off from all the monsters on the other side of the throne room.
Of course, they immediately began slamming themselves against the wall, causing it to fracture and spill bits of dust.
Soraiya and the incubi backed away from the wall as it began to crack and buckle.
“Did you do that?” I asked Deek.
“‘COURSE I DID THAT!” he shrieked. “WHO THE FUCK ELSE WOULD DO IT?! NOW GET ME THE FUCK OUTTA HERE, MEATBAG!”
I took a bag off my belt and was about to slide it over him the exact same way I’d carried Alaria’s body –
“WHAT THE FUCK YOU DOIN’?!”
“Getting you out of here!”
“DON’T PUT ME IN THAT FUCKIN’ THING!”
“Time’s different in there – it’ll feel like, two seconds max – ”
“I DON’T GIVE A SHIT! DON’T PUT ME IN THERE!”
“Why not?!”
“I GOTS TO MONITOR THE SITUATION, FOOL!”
“Then how am I supposed to carry you?!”
“HOW YOU THINK?! PICK ME THE FUCK UP, BITCH!”
Between the ‘fools’ and ‘bitches’ he kept shouting at me, Deek didn’t know how perilously close he was to getting thrown to the Rogue Dungeon.
But he’d gotten Alaria back in her body, and that was all that mattered.
Speaking of which, I grabbed Alaria’s crystal and threw it in the bag. Who knew – it might come in handy later.
I grabbed the purple crystal around the middle and heaved. I was pleasantly surprised to find I could lift him – but that was about all I was going to be doing with him.
“What now?”
“RUN!”
“You’re too heavy!”
“ALARIA – FLY US THE FUCK OUTTA HERE, HONEY!”
“Where?!” she yelled.
“BEHIND YOU!”
The wall of ornate statuary behind Deek crumbled into dust, and a tunnel wide enough for a train appeared.
The monsters kept throwing themselves against the wall, and the cracks were growing bigger by the second. Whole chunks of stone fell off and shattered on the floor.
“LET’S GO, BITCHES!”
Alaria grabbed me around my waist.
I looked over at the wall to my right – the one that housed tens of millions in gold behind it.
“But the money – ” I said mournfully.
“AIN’T NO TIME, MOTHAFUCKA, AIN’T NO TIME! FLY, BABY, FLY!”
“Wait! Stig, get over here!” I yelled.
My imp scampered over frantically.
“Grab on to my belt and don’t let go!”
He didn’t need to be told twice.
“Fugly – ”
The gargoyle was already airborne and headed for the tunnel.
And then the wall came tumbling down.
Except this time it wasn’t just the xenomorphs and insects that came through.
It was an honest-to-god, slimy-skinned version of Cthulhu.
The octopus monster’s head was bigger than a Mack truck, and it peeked through the gap in the wall as its face tentacles writhed obscenely over the stones.
“dUngEOn coRRRRRe…” it rumbled as it stuck one redwood-sized arm through the broken wall and stretched its webbed fingers towards us.
“FOR FUCK’S SAKE, GO!” Deek hollered.
Alaria took off.
We just barely kept ahead of the screeching horde of monsters and their hellish god.
I heard the sound of giant bat wings. Seconds later, Soraiya pulled up beside us as we soared through the tunnel.
“What about the incubi?!” I yelled at her.
“I hope they can run fast,” she yelled back.
I looked over my shoulder to see the two demons far behind us, just barely beyond the reach of the Cthulhu’s hands.
“Deek, you gotta save the incubi!” I yelled.
“OH SHIT, FORGOT ABOUT THEM…”
The stone walls crumbled, and two smaller holes appeared in the side of the tunnel. The incubi dove inside and the holes immediately sealed up behind them. Two xenomorphs bashed their heads into the rock wall trying to get through, but the incubi were safe.
“YO, LISTEN UP!” Deek’s voice reverberated throughout the entire dungeon. “SOME BAD SHIT GONE DOWN, AND YOU FOLKS NEED TO EVACUATE! THIS AIN’T NO DRILL, SO GET THE FUCK OUT! YOU DON’T HAVE TO GO HOME, BUT YOU CAN’T STAY HERE!”
He paused, and then his voice returned to its normal loudness instead of foghorn levels. “OKAY, THEY LEAVIN’.”
“Who?”
“ALL MY PEEPS! AT LEAST, THE ONES WHO’RE STILL ALIVE.”
“How do you know?”
“TAKE A LOOK, MOTHAFUCKA!”
Suddenly there was a flash of light, and I was back in GodMode. (I was holding the big purple crystal in my arms, after all.)
I could see what remained of Deek’s dungeon. Hundreds of tiny escape routes had opened up from the underground floors and jutted upwards at an angle. Thousands upon thousands of small dots were running up the ramps to the surface, escaping the chaos behind them.
