He kisses my cheek. His lips linger longer than a second. I can smell that fresh woodsy scent that’s characteristic of him. My instinct says to wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him. It’d be a quick peck on those lips. I just want to know how it feels to be kissed by Zach St. James. Either I’m a coward, or my common sense is too alert to let me do something dumb. Instead, I take a step back.
“Take care of yourself, Autumn. I’ll see you around, okay?”
“Thank you,” I repeat, hugging myself.
It feels like he’s saying goodbye.
Matilda doesn’t let Emma and Elisa go. She sleeps with her new elephants. I exchanged some texts with Zach before falling asleep.
The following day, she enters the kitchen carrying them both.
“Morning, Mom.”
“Did you have a good night’s sleep, pumpkin?”
Showing me her elephants, she says, “We did. I liked Zach. He could be a good dad.”
I spit out my coffee. “What are you talking about?”
“That’s what I’m going to ask Santa.”
Grabbing onto the counter, I ask, “What exactly are you asking Santa for?”
“A dad like Zach.”
“Well, Santa doesn’t bring people.”
We’re at the point where she likes to pretend Santa is still real so she can receive presents, and I want to keep the spirit alive because I don’t want my baby to grow older. We both know the truth, but it doesn’t hurt to believe in miracles, does it?
To lighten things up, I say, “Also, Zach is too big to fit inside Santa’s big sack.”
“I’m not saying Zach, silly. I just want a guy who makes you smile the way he did yesterday. You looked happy.”
“No. I was happy because we were celebrating your birthday, and I didn’t have to work.”
“Are you working today?”
“No. I asked for the entire weekend off.”
She grins, wrapping her arms around my waist. “Thank you. That’s the best present of all of the presents.” I hug her back, wondering how I can make it so I don’t have to work at the bar anymore.
Matilda needs me, and I don’t want to miss this time with her. One day, she’s going to turn eighteen, leave the house, and all I’ll have from her childhood will be car trips from the house to school or my family’s home.
The miracle would be to be able to spend more time with her and see her grow.
Chapter Eighteen
Zach
Part of my very pathetic life includes being at home around eight on a Saturday night. There’s no gala or party to attend. It was just a lame excuse to run away from a place where I was beginning to feel comfortable. Sure, I could’ve stayed at Matilda’s party longer, but between Aiden’s murderous glare and Autumn…
Fuck, Autumn. I want to kiss her. Crush her lips with mine and devour her like she’s my last and only meal. I want to tangle my hands in her hair and thrust my tongue into her the same way I want to do with my cock. Mouths. Tongues. Hands. Bodies. Everything linking, connecting, fusing.
Autumn Wickerton keeps cycling through my mind as I drive toward my place. Our conversation last Saturday and the brief texts we exchanged during the week.
Old Zach would head to a bar like Silvermoon or a nightclub. I could call Burke, who might be at a party or somewhere he can score for the night. Instead, I park my car in the garage and head toward my room, where I pull out my computer. There has to be a project to keep me entertained for the rest of the weekend.
Two hours later, Burke’s voice resonates through the entire house. I’m about to leave the dining room when I hear the commotion.
“You were right. He’s working.” I look up to find my eldest brother, Kingston.
“What’s up, asshole?”
He shows me two bottles of Macallan 25. “We’re here to play poker. Are you going to join us?”
I set the computer on the coffee table. “Who is us?”
“Fletcher, Burke, Seth, Byron, and me.”
I arch an eyebrow. “Seth is playing?”
“Sure, there’s nothing wrong with it.”
I scratch my chin and nod. Obviously, he doesn’t know that Seth isn’t allowed to play poker. I wonder if Burke is setting him up to lose his shirt.
“This is going to be interesting,” I say, grabbing one of the bottles from him.
We walk toward the game room. Seth is unpacking his cue from the case. It’s obvious he’s here to play pool and not poker. Byron is by the bar, opening a bottle of Clase Azul Tequila. Fletcher is setting the balls in the billiard rack.
“I thought Kingston said poker.”
Seth grins. “Burke told him I’m not allowed to play.”
Fletcher shrugs a shoulder. “I was hoping to see him cry for his shirt, but Burke ruined it.”
“He has his personalized cue. The guy is a shark. We shouldn’t let him play anything,” Kingston stares at Seth. “I bet he’s a shark.”
“Next time, invite his sister along. Those two playing against each other is fun to watch,” Byron, who is best friends with Seth’s sister, says. He then turns to look at me. “How are you?”
“Fine.”
“You should come over to Luna Harbor.”
“Is it still a ghost town?”
He grins. “You’ll have to come and see, but for now, let’s play.”
This isn’t what I expected from my night, but it’s good to spend time with my brothers. We haven’t hung out like this in months. I wish Myles was in town, but maybe we can do this again. It’s around midnight when I receive a text. When I check my phone, I grin.
Autumn: Thank you for the presents.
Zach: Did she really like them?
Autumn: She did, though you shouldn’t have done it. She went to bed with the elephants.
Zach: Her face was priceless. If you let me, I can get us a tour around a zoo.
Autumn: Thank you for the offer, but she’s fine with the certificate.
Zach: I take it you didn’t tell your brother that we spent last weekend together.
Autumn: No. I’ve been busy.
Zach: He wasn’t too happy to see me.
Autumn: You might want to take that up with him. You two were close. What happened?
Zach: Life, college…
Autumn: Those three dots tell me there’s more.
Zach: No. They mean, I don’t know. I’ll probably call him next week or after the holidays.
Autumn: You should.
Zach: When are you going to send me your ideas for the Café Fusion merchandise?
Autumn: Probably next year. The holidays tend to be hectic around the house. I work extra hours since Matilda can stay with Mom.
Zach: Where do you work?
Autumn: At a bar.
Zach: Why a bar?
Autumn: It’s an easy job. The tips are good. My bosses are understanding.
Zach: You should tell me where you work so I can visit you.
I stare at the phone, hoping she’ll answer. A loud voice drags me out of my hypnotic state.
“Zachary, are you going to play?” Seth’s voice echoes through the room.
I look up to find him handing me a cue. “Your brothers are playing poker.”
“They aren’t letting you play?”
“Nope. I’m not drunk enough.”
I laugh, looking at my phone one last time before I put it away.
“Who were you texting with?” he asks, leaning against the table and taking the first shot.
Looking around, I say, “Autumn Wickerton.”
He arches a brow. “You contacted her, huh?”
“Not exactly.”
“That’s exactly what you did.”
Instead of arguing with him, I brief him.
“So, you went to see her brother, and you ended up hanging out with her for an entire day and then going to her daughter’s party.” He rubs his chin. “Interesting.”
“It makes sense.”
>
He shrugs one shoulder. He doesn’t believe me.
“We’re just friends.”
That’s when his gaze finally finds mine. “That’s a dangerous road you’re walking, Zachary.”
“What are you talking about?”
“She’s a single mom. We don’t fuck with single moms. They’re a different, special species. You treat them with nothing but white gloves and love. If you’re going to get close to one, it’s because you understand that you’re wooing a family. You’re getting a family, not just a one-night stand. Can you handle that?”
I swallow hard. My phone buzzes at that moment. I pull out my phone since it’s the best way to divert this conversation while it sinks in.
Autumn: You want to visit me at work?
Zach: Yes.
Autumn: Do people visit you at work?
Zach: No, but it’s different.
Autumn: Why? Because it’s a bar, I’m a woman, or…please explain.
Zach: Because I’m bored, and you’re fun to be around.
“Are you texting her?” Seth asks.
I glare at him.
He lifts his hands in surrender. “We’re touchy.”
“She’s just my friend.”
“Sure, and pigs fly. I just want you to be careful. You can’t go from behaving like a fucking monk to dating Autumn. There has to be something in between.”
“I’m not trying to date her.”
“It’s midnight. You’re texting. That screams, ‘I’m interested.’”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about. When was the last time you went steady with anyone? I was married once.”
“Being married doesn’t guarantee happiness. The point isn’t your marital status. In my opinion, either you walk away before you fuck up, or you go to therapy and fix your shit.”
I grab the bottle of Clase Azul and take a few gulps. Why do I feel like I’m starting to come out of the haze? Yet, I feel like I’m fucking drowning, and no one is willing to toss me a life jacket.
My phone buzzes again, and this time I ignore it. Seth is right. I’m too fucked up to try to rescue someone else.
I already did my part. Autumn is doing well, her daughter had a nice birthday, and I have other people to watch over.
Chapter Nineteen
Zach
I spend the holidays with my family. Even though my siblings always complain about my relationship with the Brassard family, we all go to Costa Rica for New Year’s Day. I think deep down, they enjoy hanging out with the Chadwick-Brassard-Sierra family. We also use the excuse to avoid my father’s annual party and his new girlfriend.
Mom is on a singles’ cruise. According to Teddy, she’s looking for her next boyfriend.
At times, my parents have some kind of competition. When one of them is single and learns that the other is in a relationship, they do the impossible to meet a new person.
While in Costa Rica, Burke finds a new love. Winemaking. Once we’re back in Seattle, he spends his free time searching for vineyards. I don’t understand his obsession, but I have to support his schemes just as he supports mine.
He lets me live in his house while I drift around the world. So far, I haven’t bought a house. I’m on a couple of waiting lists to get a dog. The latter might be a bad idea. Why would I want to bring an animal into my nomadic lifestyle? A puppy needs love and attention. I should call the breeders and cancel. I don’t care about losing the deposit. The only reason I reached out to them was because of Autumn and Matilda.
I believe that by having a dog, I’d help them solve their problems. The fact is they don’t need me in their lives. Autumn is doing well enough without having me around. After my long conversation with Seth, I realized that he was right.
Did I want to share more of those fun, happy moments with them?
Probably, but that’s not for me. While I got to know Matilda, watched Autumn interact with her daughter, and sang “Happy Birthday,” some strange emotions crept inside my chest. They were overwhelming. It took me a couple of days to snap out of the spell. The reality is that I can’t handle the emotions.
I understand that my place is far away from the Wickerton family. What would happen to me if I got used to them?
I don’t deserve to feel content, even happy.
When I walked away that night, knowing that I put a smile on those angelic faces was enough. Do I want to do it again? Sure, I got such a high from it, but I also know that I won’t be able to handle the guilt after the high is over.
By the end of January, game night with my brothers and Seth becomes a thing. Instead of Saturdays, we switch it to Tuesdays. It’s the weekend of Valentine’s Day when Burke drags me out of the house. I’m thankful because, for some crazy reason, I wanted to search for Autumn. Something about it being a holiday and remembering Matilda’s party makes me want to reach out to her. I don’t.
This isn’t the first time I’ve wondered about her whereabouts. I want to spend more time with her. I should leave town again to put some distance between Autumn and me.
Other people need me. She already had her turn.
But what if you need her?
Persephone Brassard-Chadwick wasn’t wrong when she said I live my life trying to save others. But do I want to fix my life? I have a vision of how the rest of my life is going to look. I can’t comprehend why no one can understand it, but I want to keep walking the same road.
So what if saving others is all I’ve been doing for the past three years? Am I trying to save Callie over and over again? No. I know it’s impossible. She won’t come back. In my dreams, she never comes back. She doesn’t listen to me.
Am I so crippled with guilt that the only thing I can do is look at other people’s problems and fix them? I’m not sure, but that’s what Kingston said to me the other day. His exact words were, “You look into everyone’s issues instead of looking at yourself and living your life free of guilt.”
Teddy killed it with, “You think that if you never look at your reflection, you’ll never see your ugly reality. The problem is that there’s no ugliness, just a sad man who is afraid of living. You didn’t kill your wife. It wasn’t your fault she was on that bus. Who knows, maybe if she hadn’t boarded that bus, she would’ve died in some other way. It was her time.”
Am I pathetic? I don’t know, but they’re right. I avoid thinking about myself or my well-being. Maybe for the anniversary of her death, I’ll start living more for myself.
As we enter the Silvermoon, I want to drive back home. There’s a big crowd, too much noise, and women who I bet are trying to find someone to take them home tonight. I can’t. I plan on keeping my celibacy until the day I die. This isn’t my scene. I have no fucking idea what my scene is anymore.
Silvermoon has different rooms within the bar. Burke takes us to the R & B room, and the atmosphere is calm enough that I relax.
When we find a high table and sit on the stools, he asks, “What happened to you?”
Talk about confusing the fuck out of a person. “Me? What are you talking about?”
“You used to be the life of the party. In college, you dragged us to parties. Now, I’m the one dragging you out of the house, and you can’t pretend to be happy for you or anyone. Tonight is supposed to be about me. This isn’t a funeral.”
I arch an eyebrow. “Happy for you? A funeral? We’re here because of you?”
I thought it was because it’s Valentine’s Day weekend.
“I told you we were celebrating the acquisition of my vineyard.”
Okay, I need to start paying more attention to what he says.
“You bought a vineyard?” Am I so out of it that I missed his announcement? “I thought you—” I shrug because he might get upset if I say that I thought it was just a phase, and he’d move on from trying to become a winemaker.
He doesn’t know shit about grapes. Is he going to sell his part at RCC and move to…? “Where is this vineyard?”
“Ugh.�
�� He rolls his eyes, annoyed. “See. You don’t give two shits about me. It’s in Silver Lake.”
“Woohoo.” I try to sound sarcastic, but I sound annoyed as fuck.
“Please don’t sound so enthusiastic.”
It’s not that I don’t care, I…I look at Burke and realize that since Callie died, I’ve lost track of him. We live together, but we’re not as close as we used to be. He is my best friend. Sure, I have other close friends, but this guy and I have been together since we were created. Yet our relationship isn’t the same as it used to be years ago.
This is fucked up.
If I’m not close to him, I’m not close to anybody. I should use this night to get drunk out of my mind. Use the alcohol to purify my brain and hopefully shake off some of the stupidity. I’m lucky he still gives a shit about me.
“I’m happy for you.” I try to sound supportive this time around.
“Instead of lying, why don’t you tell me what you’re thinking.”
“What do you want from me?”
“I’d love it if you changed your attitude toward life, but since it’s not the season for miracles, I want to know what you think about my acquisition. Something tells me that you disapprove.”
Okay, he asked for it. “Are you sure you want to dedicate your life to wine?”
“I’m not dedicating it one hundred percent. Though, there are a lot of reasons I think it’s fitting. I thought we already discussed it, but I’m sure you were too occupied with saving the world and brooding to pay attention to me. In any case, it’s not about wine, but the grape.”
“The grape? How so?”
“You can do a lot more than wine with grapes. Also, there are many kinds of wine. I can produce champagne if I find the right vineyard.”
“That doesn’t make any sense or answer my question. There has to be a reason the nerdiest of the St. James siblings is interested in wine and not in the next software or hardware product.”
“Women love wine and champagne.”
I scoff. “Are you seriously wasting your money on vineyards to get women?”
He waves a hand. “You wouldn’t understand. Plus, I’m not the nerdiest. Teddy is nerdier than me.”
Until Next Time Page 11
