Though her choice in men is questionable, I’m genuinely happy for my best friend. “As long as he treats you right, I’m happy for you.”
I hear someone in the background. “Damn. I gotta go, Rae. Order’s up! Talk to you later, love.”
“Kisses! Bye!”
I put my phone away and shake my head. That girl. She’s something.
I sling my bag over my shoulder and make my way to my apartment.
“Yo, Hales! I’m back!” I yell as I bust through the front door.
“We’re in the kitchen, Rae!”
“Do you have a mouse in your pocket? Who are you—Dad!” I yell, running to the stool he’s sitting on, wrapping my arms around him and squeezing him extra tight.
“Hey, kiddo, I’ve been missing you,” he says, squeezing me back.
Even though we live in the same town, I rarely get to see my dad. He’s a bigwig accountant at a firm in Boston and he’s always working. With my schedule of nights and weekends at Clyde’s, we don’t get much time to see each other.
This time it’s only been about a month since I’ve seen him last, but it seems like longer.
“You’re looking a little gray,” I tease, ruffling his hair.
“You’re the second meanest kid I have. Haley told me I had more wrinkles.”
“You do,” my sister chimes in.
We’re both lying. My dad doesn’t look a day over thirty-five. He still has the same dark hair he’s always had and the same pale skin I do, and there are no wrinkles, not even lining his brown eyes.
“What brings you by?” I ask.
“He came to see me, his favorite daughter. Duh,” Haley says, as if it’s the only plausible answer.
We both ignore her. “Just wanted to see how my two favorite girls are doing. I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever. How’s everything going? How’s the job hunt?” He turns to Haley. “How’s the daycare doing?”
As close and Haley and I are, there’s one huge difference between us: I hate kids. Haley, on the other hand, wants an army of them. She even manages a daycare with her best friend, that’s how much she loves them.
Me? I’ll pass. I’m horrible with kids. I either clam up and don’t know what to say or I talk circles around them, usually saying something wildly inappropriate.
I don’t have a motherly bone in my body, and I can thank my own mother for that.
“It’s going very well. I may have some leads,” I lie. I haven’t heard back from a single firm, but I don’t want to admit defeat just yet.
“And The Learning Hut is doing well. We enrolled two new kids the other day so we’re maxed out until one of them ages out. We’re may be looking at expanding soon.”
He beams with pride. “You girls make an old man happy as a clam. Now, do you want to go out and grab some dinner?” He points a finger at my sister. “I still don’t trust your cooking, Haley.”
“Rude! I burn one pizza and turn noodles to paste twice and suddenly I ‘can’t cook’. Maybe I’d be a better cook if you didn’t have such high expectations of me, Dad.”
“I’m the worst dad ever,” my dad deadpans.
I ignore their show and roll my eyes. “You mind if I freshen up real quick? I didn’t get the chance to properly dry my hair because someone was hogging the bathroom,” I say, giving Haley my best death glare.
She shrugs. “Shouldn’t have overslept.”
“I had trouble sleeping last night.”
As soon as I say it, I know it was a mistake. My dad zeros in on me instantly.
“You’re still having the nightmare? I thought you said it was getting better.” He’s frowning, the concern clear.
Since I was seven, I’ve had the exact same nightmare over and over again. It’s cloudy and I’m floating out in the middle of the ocean. The wind whips around me, causing huge waves to crash against me and knock me sideways like I’m nothing but a piece of driftwood. The salty water is so cold that I can’t feel my fingers or toes. My teeth chatter together as I try to call out for help, but it’s of no use. No one can hear me over the wind and waves. I’m not that far out, but since I’m so small, it seems like I’ll never see land again. I keep swimming and swimming, trying so hard to reach the shore of this vast body of water.
I’m scared and screaming for help. I can see my savior; she just can’t hear me.
My mother’s standing on the edge of the water, not paying any attention as the waves slam into me again. I call out as my head bobs underwater and I push back through the swell.
It’s then I see a shadow of what looks like a kid running up next to her. He’s frantic and yelling, even I can hear it over the noise of the water, but I can’t make out what he’s saying.
My mother is still just standing there, starting off into the horizon, looking right over me as I struggle.
Then, I sink.
I have no idea what, if anything, happens next, because that’s always when I wake up drenched in sweat. The dream seems so unbelievably real. I feel the fear and heavy weight of the dream for days afterward, every time. It hangs heavy, like it’s something that’s actually happened, but I know that’s not possible, because surely I’d remember something like that…right?
I train my eyes on my dad. “It did. I hadn’t had one in eight months, but it started up again about three weeks ago. I have no idea what caused it to come back this time. Stress, maybe?”
I did some research online and found that stress can be a trigger. The dream itself is stressful, so maybe that’s all it is—my mind projecting real life into the dream. It just seems so weird that it’s coming back now because I don’t feel that stressed.
Also, something feels different about this round. It feels more real than normal, so real that I woke up three times last night before the kid even arrived. After the third time, I was done. I threw on a pair of shoes and drove out to Lake Quannapowitt, my thinking spot. I sat for an hour to watch the sunrise and came back home to sleep some more, which didn’t turn out so well since I woke up late.
My dad exhales loudly because he knows how much this affects me. “Yeah, that could be it. With your car breaking down, you getting sick, and now all these job applications, I’m sure you’re stressed out. Maybe take it easy for a while? You’re already pushing this whole moving-to-the-city thing pretty hard, and that can’t be helping out at all. Just take it easy. Besides, you’re not in that big of a hurry to move away from your old man, are you?”
I shake my head and answer honestly. “Well, no. Honestly, I’m not sure what exactly it is I want to do anymore. The more I keep tossing around the whole moving thing, the less appealing it sounds. I don’t even know how appealing marketing sounds. Maybe I just need a break from thinking.”
That was hard, admitting that out loud to my dad. I was so sure of this a few months back—hell, even a few weeks ago—but now I’m not.
Hudson helped me see that.
“Kiddo, if you’re worried about upsetting me, stop. Everything will figure itself out. I’m not rushing you to find something, so don’t rush yourself. Getting a job like this is a big deal. I want you someplace that makes you happy. I don’t want you to settle. You’re keeping your head afloat, that’s the important thing right now.”
“Yeah, yeah, what he said, but why didn’t you tell me about your nightmares, Rae? About your mixed feelings on moving? Marketing?” The hurt is clear in Haley’s voice, and she has every right to feel that way. I should have trusted her with it. She’s always been there for me, so there is no reason why I should have hidden it from her.
“You’re right. I should have told you, Hales. Everything has been so confusing lately, and I didn’t want to seem like a failure. Hell, Dad, I begged you for weeks to approve of the big move, and now I’m possibly flaking on it. The sad part is I didn’t even realize some of my feelings until the other day when Hudson talked with me about them.”
“Back up, who is Hudson?”
“Calm down, old man. He�
�s just a guy.”
“A guy she went on a blind date with. The same guy she was just out having coffee with,” Haley supplies, smirking at me—payback for not confiding in her, I guess.
“Rae?”
I sigh. “Yes, he’s a guy. Yes, I went on a date with him Friday. Yes, we met for coffee this morning, but it was a business coffee date. He owns Jacked Up, the shop that fixed my car. He was looking to load up on the clientele and asked for a few marketing tips, so I put together a small folder of ideas and gave it to him this morning. Happy?” I begin inching my way toward the hallway that leads to our bedrooms and bathroom, purposely leaving out my upcoming date.
My dad huffs and concedes through gritted teeth. “Fine. You’re an adult now. Scurry along. We’re going for wings.”
I groan because I know that means we’re heading to Clyde’s. “Give me fifteen minutes.”
“What’s this? Family dinner and no one invited me? That’s messed up, Uncle Ted,” Perry teases my dad, taking a seat on the stool next to me and giving me a nudge. “Yo! What up, Waitress Rae? I’ll take a Dr. Pepper, please.”
I shove him hard. “I’m not working today, you jackass.”
Waitress Rae is his favorite thing to call me when he visits me at work. He says it’s like he’s talking to a whole new person when I’m there and he likes having “two versions” of me to choose from. He’s insane.
I love my cousin Perry like a brother. He’s like a best friend to me and practically lived at our house when we were kids since his mom, my dad’s sister, was in and out of the picture constantly. I love my Aunt Tessa, but she wasn’t the best mom. She had a habit of stepping out on her husband for months at a time. For some odd reason, Uncle Walker never left her. He always stayed and let her do whatever the hell she wanted. Because of this, he worked long hours to make sure all the bills were paid and that Perry had everything he ever needed. This resulted in Perry spending a lot of time at our house since his parents were rarely home.
Surprisingly enough, Perry has a great relationship with his dad. You’d think it would be strained because Walker was never home, but I think all it did was bring them closer. They clung to one another, and their relationship was solid. The one he had with his mother was almost nonexistent, though, especially since no one really knows where she is now.
As soon as Perry and I graduated college, Walker divorced Tessa—and when I say as soon as, I mean the moment we all gathered around for pictures, she was served the papers. After that, she bailed, and we haven’t heard from her in about three months.
You’d think since Tessa is my dad’s sister, the relationship between Walker and my dad would be stretched thin, but that couldn’t be less true. They’re best friends, and Dad talks to Tessa about as much as everyone else does, which is hardly ever.
“Whatevs, girl. So, what’s up with my favorite people?” Perry beams around the table.
“Oh, you know, just enjoying lunch with my favorite two people in the world—that is until some punk-ass kid came and interrupted everything.”
Perry clutches his chest in mock pain. “You wound me, Hales. ’Tis okay, though. I know you really love me.”
“Barely,” she grumbles.
She’s such a liar. The only thing Haley loves more than me, Dad, and Perry? Giving Perry shit.
“Anyway, Uncle Ted, what goes on? How’s the big city?”
“Boring, big, exhausting, never-ending,” my dad answers on a sigh.
“Why don’t you just retire? You’re like, what, sixty, right?”
Dad pops Perry in the shoulder. “You little shit. I’ll have you know I’m only forty-five, a year younger than your dad, thank you very much.”
“Still old.”
“Hi Mr. Kamden, Rae, Haley,” Clarissa says in her fakest sweet voice. Why she’s over here, I have no idea. She’s not the one serving us today. We all ignore her, but she doesn’t seem to care as she leans into the table, propping her elbows up so her breasts look bigger. “Hi, Perry.”
Ah, she’s here to flirt.
In an obvious attempt to avoid any contact whatsoever with her, Perry shifts my way and dips his head at her. “Hey.”
Clarissa, who is a twenty-four-year-old woman, pouts at his brushoff. Then she gives him her best come hither look and straightens, puffing her chest out at him. “Whatever. See you later, Perry,” she says, sashaying away.
“God, that girl kills me. She’s so pushy and fake and weird,” Perry complains, adding in a shiver for dramatic effect.
“Try working with her,” I gripe.
“Is she still…you know…working extra?” Haley asks.
“Unfortunately.”
“Working extra is great! What could be so bad about that?” Dad asks, not understanding what we’re hinting at.
Haley, Perry, and I exchange looks and all burst into laughter.
“Uncle T, she works extra in the back seats of cars,” Perry explains in the politest way possible.
The look on my dad’s face and the loud groan that accompanies it bring on the second round of laughter.
For a moment, I’m happy. My nightmare doesn’t exist, and my rapidly growing feelings for Hudson aren’t weighing on me. Briefly, all my fears fade away.
11
Hudson
I may not know a lot about graphic design, but I do know that the deal the kid just gave me on the website is a damn good one.
“Well, what did he say?” Tucker asks. The blond-haired bastard is sitting—quite relaxed, I might add—in the chair across from my desk with his feet propped up. I push them off in order to take back some sort of authority.
Since they’ve been at Jacked Up as long as I have, I called him and Gaige into my office this morning to talk with them about my meeting with Rae. They were both on board one hundred percent.
“Eight hundred bucks,” I tell him, taking up the same pose Tucker was just in. “That’s with a new website, printed business cards, and a new logo. I’m meeting with him at noon to go over some details.”
“Hot damn!” Gaige yells. “That’s a good deal. I know Horton paid at least a grand for that shitty-ass website we have now.”
I nod. “I know. I can’t believe we managed to get hooked up with this guy. We owe Rae big time.”
Gaige and Tucker exchange a look.
“I think we’ll let you pay up on that,” Tucker says, winking at me.
“Whatever. How’d it go Saturday, Gaige?” I say, switching gears because I know if I don’t, they won’t drop the Rae thing at all.
“Good.” Gaige oversees the short four-hour shift Saturday mornings. “How was your date Friday?”
Of course it didn’t work.
“You fuckers,” I moan, looking down at my folded hands, refusing to make eye contact. “It was good—no, it was great. I like her a lot. We’re…uh…we kind of have a date Wednesday.”
“Really?” Gaige asks in disbelief.
I nod and can feel Tucker’s gaze on me.
“You need to go for it,” he says, his voice a whisper.
“What about Joey?” I volley back, looking back up at him.
“I’m pretty sure your kid isn’t the one who’s going to be dating her,” Gaige replies.
“You know what I mean,” I push out through gritted teeth.
“We do. Like you said: what about Joey? I’m sure the kid isn’t going to care. If anything, she’s gonna embrace it. I know it. Trust me on this. It’s not going to be bad,” Tucker reasons. “I know you have to be careful with your daughter, I get that, but I think it’s the right move to make.”
I hope he’s right because I do really like Rae, and I know she likes me too. I can see it every time our gazes lock. It’s just…it’s been so long since I’ve had a crush on someone, since I’ve dated anyone, and I’m nervous to pursue this.
It’s not just because of Joey, though Tucker is right; I do have to be careful with her. She’s only seven and can get easily attached, which is wha
t terrifies me the most because I don’t want to break my kid’s heart if things go south—something that is totally possible.
It’s more than that. What if I’m not good enough? What if Joey isn’t good enough? What if the whole single father thing is a big-ass no for Rae? Do I want to put myself out there and try? Because, if I’m being completely honest, that scares me more than anything else.
“Stop it. I know what you’re thinking and I get why you’re afraid. You don’t really have the life of most twenty-four-year-olds. I get that, but don’t write everything off so fast. Have your date Wednesday then decide where to go from there. You have to at least try. Don’t put that negativity in your head.”
I look hard at Tucker. He’s right. I can’t be sure until I at least put myself out there. “You’re right.”
He shrugs smugly. “I know.”
“Get the hell out of my office and go work or something.”
“Dude, stop playing at being a boss,” Gaige says. “It doesn’t work with us.”
He’s right too, but I’m not admitting they were both right in a five-minute span. They’d never let that shit go either. I swear, my two best friends are a bunch of immature asshole sometimes, but I wouldn’t trade them for anything.
I glance at the clock once they finally shuffle out of my office. I have about an hour and a half before I have to meet the website guy, so I take the time to text Rae to tell her the good news.
Me: So, Perry? Good dude. He gave us a sweet deal. I can’t repay you enough. Looking forward to Wednesday.
Rae: Me too! ;-)
Suddenly, my phone goes crazy.
Rae: Oh, fuck me!!! I meant :-) I was not implying anything with that winky face! I promise!
Rae: OMG! I didn’t mean anything by the “fuck me” either!!
Rae: Shit! Just ignore all of that and pretend I never texted you back. The next text is going to be my real response.
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