Then it clicks for me. That’s what I’ve been feeling this last week or so.
Emptiness.
Yearning.
I need Rae back in my life. She makes me smile, makes me happy. She makes me feel whole.
And I love her. Fuck, do I love her.
Joey’s safe—happy even. In the end, that’s what counts the most. The “what if” of it all doesn’t matter anymore. It’s time for me to find that happiness again—to get back what I had with Rae—because I don’t know how much more of this separation my heart can take.
“You get that worked out?” my mom asks, smiling softly at me.
I blow out a breath and look her in the eyes. “Yeah, I think I did.”
28
Rae
Perry and Maura have been knocking on my front door for the past half hour. I refuse to answer it. Actually, I refuse to move off this couch.
I know I’m fucked when I hear keys jiggling.
“Really, Rae? They’re your best friends,” Haley says, marching through the door.
Just like I have been doing for two weeks, I ignore her.
“Whatever,” she mumbles, walking to her room and slamming the door. I don’t even flinch or care because I’m still too pissed off at her.
Maura comes and takes a seat next to me on the couch. Perry paces.
“Rae,” Maura starts gently. “You need to get out of the apartment. The only place you’ve gone is work. It’s time.”
I just look at her. “Are you for real? ‘It’s time’? Do you even realize how badly I fucked up? Do you even realize I almost killed a little girl?”
“Oh, come off it already, Rae! No one fucking blames you! I bet Hudson doesn’t even blame you! You reacted—normally I might add—to an extremely fucked-up situation in your past. You’ve been unknowingly living with PTSD your entire life! No. One. Blames. You,” Perry shouts, his face growing redder and redder with every word.
Where does he get off being pissed at me? I bet he knew about it all along!
I glare at him. “Did you know, Perry? Did you know what happened to me? To my mother?”
“Don’t you dare insult me like that. Fuck no, I didn’t know! I’m just as pissed as you are at Haley and Uncle Ted,” Perry exclaims, bellowing the last part loud enough so Haley hears him.
“FUCK OFF, PERRY!” she retorts.
I snicker. Perry notices.
“See,” he says softly. “I know my girl is in there somewhere. Now, go shower. We’re going to Lake Q. You need some thinking time away from the asshole in there.”
Maura stands and holds her hand out to me. “I’ll help you. Come on.”
I sigh. “Fine, but I’m wearing my sweats.”
We pull into my preferred spot at Lake Q and Perry and I climb out of the car. I grab my favorite blanket, spread it out, and get ready to settle down for some “me” time.
“We’ll be back in an hour or so,” Maura says from the passenger side of Perry’s car.
They decided it’d be best if I had a little time to myself first. I wholeheartedly agreed.
Perry wraps his arms around me. “I love you, sweet girl. Remember that.”
I watch him climb back into the car and drive away, leaving me with my jumbled thoughts.
I feel so bad for what happened with Joey. I know things could have ended so much worse than they did, but that doesn’t make all the guilt go away. Hudson had every right to kick me out, every right to end things. I deserve it.
Sitting down on my blanket, I pull my knees up and wrap my arms around them and just stare out at the lake. Like Maura said, this is the first time I’ve been anywhere but Clyde’s since my birthday. Perry dropped everything to come pick me up that day, and I didn’t even speak to him the entire way home. I didn’t talk to anyone. It took me three days to tell Maura and Perry what happened.
Then I blew up at Haley and haven’t talked to her since the moment she told me she knew my “nightmare” was a memory. She must have told my father I now know the truth, because he keeps blowing my phone up every night when he gets off work. He’s stopped by the apartment twice, but never made it past the front door being slammed right in his face.
I am beyond pissed at them both. They lied to me—and everyone else—for years. Years! And for what? My mental health? Because they didn’t want me to be upset? Makes me wonder how much of their concern was for me and how much of it was for themselves in case I ever found out. It’s going to take me a long time to fully forgive them…if I ever do.
I may not have responded to Haley while she was talking to me, but I sure as shit listened.
She claims they let me believe it was all a dream because that’s what I thought it was and they never corrected me, scared I’d have some sort of “reaction” to finding out the truth, especially since it happened on my birthday…the day before my mother killed herself.
I grew up thinking my mother never loved me. I was wrong. She did, she just didn’t understand how to show it. After I was born, she was diagnosed with postpartum depression that lasted many months. Eventually it got to where things were good and there were a few happy years. I don’t remember much since I was so young, but once Haley said it, I remembered my mother’s smile. It was beautiful.
When I was five, she got pregnant again. That little piece of information surprised me because I didn’t remember it at all, but Haley knew. Unfortunately, my mom lost the baby and her depression spiraled out of control, leading to her suicide.
I don’t understand why they would hide everything from me. Was it because I was so young when it happened? Because of when she killed herself? Did they think I would have blamed myself? I think at first I might have—especially when I was younger—but there’s no way I would have carried that guilt all that long. I understand depression. It’s not something that can be helped, and I’d never hold it against someone.
But, because I was never told the truth, I’ve inadvertently been doing so my entire life. I’ve been blaming my mother. I’ve hated her for her lack of affection, for not loving me enough to stick around, for everything—but it wasn’t her fault. None of it was, and I’ll never get to tell her that.
“I don’t blame you, Mom,” I say quietly, out loud for the first time.
“Guess it’s only fair that I don’t blame you either, huh?”
His voice sends a shiver down my spine. I glance toward him and choke out a raspy gasp.
“Hudson.”
29
Hudson
The moment I laid eyes on her sitting there in her sweatpants and t-shirt, all curled up into herself, I knew I was making the right decision.
Perry called me the other day to tell me everything he knew about Rae’s mom and how Haley and Ted hid it from her for years, letting her believe it was nothing but a recurring nightmare. He told me she hadn’t spoken to either of them—or him—since the Wednesday after the beach.
I get it, and I completely understand her silence toward them. I’d be pissed too. Hell, I am pissed, but I also understand why they did it—at least Ted’s involvement. He did what he thought was right to protect her. I’d do the same for Joey.
I just wish I had told her earlier that I didn’t blame her for any of it, because seeing her like this hurts. And then I hear her talking to her mom? My heart broke. She seems so sad, so lonely. I don’t like it.
I give her a small smile and motion to the spot next to her. She scoots over, so I fold myself down and stare out at the lake with her.
She’s not doing well in the breathing department. Every breath sounds harsh.
“I don’t blame you, Rae.”
Her body shakes as she starts to cry. “You should, Hudson. You really, really should.”
“How can I? You can’t help what happened in your past. Anyone that has to face a traumatic event like that would break. It wasn’t you out there, and I understand that. I promise, I’m not mad at you, Rae.”
She sniffles, wiping at her face
. “Then why haven’t you called or anything?”
“Because I’m horribly pissed at myself,” I admit on a sigh.
“But…but why? You didn’t do anything wrong. Hell, you saved her!”
“I knew something was off before I left you with her. You were clammy the previous day and wouldn’t look out at the water for more than a few seconds without breaking into a sweat,” I tell her. “I should have known she would talk you into taking her down to the beach, and that’s the last position I should have put you in. You weren’t ready to face it on your own, and that’s okay, Rae. It really is. It’s my fault for making you face that on your own, and I’m sorry.”
I peek over at her. She’s staring at me with her mouth hanging open. I reach over with two fingers and close it for her.
“Flies, Rae.”
She smiles.
She smiles.
In that instant, my world becomes whole again.
“I can’t…I can’t believe you blame yourself. That’s kind of ridiculous.”
I wink. “Ditto.”
She huffs out a breath. “Well, aren’t we quite the duo.”
We sit in silence for several minutes, just staring out at the lake and trying to absorb all this…well, all this shit. It’s been a wild ride from the beginning with Rae, and when you add in these last two weeks, it’s been pure fucking chaos.
We needed the quiet, needed the break.
But we need each other more.
“I’m sorry, Hudson. So, so sorry.”
I shake my head and swallow thickly. “I know you are, Rae, and I know now it truly wasn’t anyone’s fault. My mom kind of made me realize that.”
She buries her face in her hands and groans. “She knows?”
“Of course. She’s not mad you. Promise.”
“What, uh, what did she say?”
“‘Everything happens for a reason.’ It’s kind of her motto.”
“That’s it? That’s all she said?” Rae asks, clearly shocked.
“She also reminded me that I saved you once.” I bump my shoulder into hers. “You’re welcome for that, by the way.”
Rae smiles again. “Thank you, but I guess I still don’t understand how that’s all she said.”
“At first I didn’t either. I was confused, but then I realized that if I hadn’t saved you, I wouldn’t have met you. Point one for her,” I joke. “If this whole thing hadn’t happened with Joey, you would have never found out about your mom, or how we really met. You’d still be in the dark about that. You’d still think you weren’t fit to be a parent because you never knew how it felt to be loved by your mother.”
I pause for a moment to take a deep breath, knowing she may get upset over what I need to say next.
“I was pissed at you at first because you didn’t tell me about your nightmare or your fear, but I understand why you didn’t. You didn’t think any of it was real. You went down to that beach to face it once and for all. You had no idea it would come crashing down around you. Boy did it, but now, Rae? Now you’re free. You don’t have that fear anymore. You’re finally free from it all.”
She’s quiet again, and I watch her. Even with her face all puffy from crying, she’s still beautiful. I can’t believe I made myself miss two weeks of being with her, two weeks of her laughter and the weird things that randomly pop out of her mouth.
“What did you get out of it all?”
“That’s easy—you, Joey, and an awesome hero complex.”
She laughs freely then grows serious. “Is Joey mad at me?”
“Not at all. She knows things like that can happen in the water and that she was out too far. She thought I was mad at her for going out so far.”
“Really?”
“Promise. She’s asked about you every single day, begging me to call you because she misses you. Joey loves you, Rae.”
“I love her too,” she says with sadness in her voice.
I reach over, pull her hand from her legs, and scoot closer. “Rae, look at me.” She does, and I can see the tears beginning to pool in her eyes. “I meant what I said that weekend. I love you. That hasn’t changed.”
Tears slide down her face. “How is that possible?”
“How can you even ask me that? It’s so hard not to love you. You’re smart, you’re funny, you’re real, and you’re gorgeous. You’re the perfect package. You have the strangest sense of humor and it meshes perfectly with mine. You… Fuck.” I pause. “This is going to sound so damn stupid and I may as well just hand you my balls now, but you…you fuckin’ complete me. I didn’t even know I was missing anything until you. I had no idea my heart had any more room in it next to Joey, but you proved that it does. You share so much of that space with her. I don’t know how else to explain it. It’s just you. I love you.”
Her tears are falling harder now. I wrap her in my arms and hold her until the very last tremor wracks her body.
She pulls away slowly and meets my eyes. Then she leans in close and kisses me. It’s soft and unsure at first, but I want more. Oh, man, do I want more. I flick out my tongue and she opens instantly for me. Grabbing the back of her head, I pull her with me as I fall onto my back, our kiss never breaking.
This is what I’ve been missing. I can feel my heart swell. I can feel myself become whole again. I needed this. I need Rae.
“Well?” I ask when we finally pull apart. She’s laying half on top of me and I’ll be damned if I’m not sporting a semi.
“I missed that,” she says, brushing one more kiss across my lips.
“Me too,” I chuckle.
“I love you too, you know. I really do. Thank you for accepting me as I am. Thank you for accepting my lack of filter, for letting me into Joey’s life. You’ll never understand how much all of it has meant to me. I’ll never be able to repay you for it either.”
“You could do it in kisses.”
She laughs, and kisses me about a million more times over the next hour.
“What time is it?” she asks between kisses.
I pull out my phone, our lips still connected. “Eight.” Kiss. “Thirty.” Kiss. “Seven.”
She giggles and pulls away. “I should head back home, and you should get home to tuck Joey in.”
“Mood Killer strikes again,” I deadpan.
We stand and I help her fold the blanket.
“Shit! Maura and Perry never came back! I need to call them.” She pulls her phone out in a panic.
I reach over and put hand on hers. “It was a setup, Rae.”
She rolls her eyes. “Of course it was. Fuckin’ Perry.”
“Actually…” I start. “It was Maura.”
“That meddling little wench!”
I laugh. “She said it would be a cute throwback to our first date. Her exact words were ‘blind reunion’. She was really proud of that one.”
“You know…that wouldn’t be a bad idea…” Rae taps her fingers against her chin.
“What’s that?”
“Starting over.” She shrugs. “Because that’s basically what I’ve done. We can do it too.”
“Hmm. Okay, deal. We’ll start over then.” I step into her and stick my hand out. “Hi, I’m Hudson.”
She smirks, and it’s wicked, nothing like I’ve ever seen. She steps forward, ignoring my outstretched hand, and looks me dead in the eyes.
“Shouldn’t you at least buy me dinner before you screw me?”
I fall in love all over again.
Epilogue
Rae
“Joey Eleanor Tamell, hurry your little butt up! We’re on a schedule!” Hudson yells up the stairs.
It’s New Year’s Eve and Hudson’s taking me “out”. I think I’ve asked about a million times since he told me last week, even enlisting Joey’s help, but the info is locked up tight. He won’t tell me jack shit.
“I’m coming, I’m coming! Geez!” she shouts back, running down the hallway.
“No running, dude.”
“You’re so bossy,” I tell him jokingly.
He shoots me a glare. “Don’t even start, woman. I’ll leave you here.”
“Well, since I have no idea where we’re going, I don’t know if I should be upset by that or not.”
He gives me his stupid smirk again. “Oh, you so should.”
I stick my tongue out at him and reach for Joey’s hand. “Come on, bug. I’m sitting in back with you. Your dad’s mean tonight.”
“He’s getting so grouchy in his old age,” she says seriously.
“Oh, sick burn,” I say over my shoulder to Hudson.
“I’ll leave you both here!”
Joey and I just shrug.
After we drop Joey off at Elle’s, making sure to give her extra kisses for the New Year, we head into Boston. I bounce in my seat the entire way, still having no clue where we’re headed. There’s only half an hour left until midnight and I’m starting to wonder if we’re going to be late or not.
“Are we there yet?” I ask impatiently.
Hudson laughs. “You’re worse than Joey.”
“Well, if you would just tell me, I wouldn’t have to ask a million times.”
“Patience. We’re like five minutes away.”
He lied. It’s ten after traffic.
We pull into a jam-packed parking garage and Hudson gets out and opens my door for me.
“Hudson, this is really lame. I’ve been to plenty of parking garages in my life.”
“Shush. Come on. It’s right up the street.”
He lied again. It’s up two streets.
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