I hold back my sigh and respond with, “Awesome.”
But that’s a lie. Again.
The first month we were together was wonderful. Everything moved fast, and it was so storybook perfect that I let myself get lost in it. I didn’t pay attention to how genuine my feelings were. Or weren’t. It didn’t prepare me for the long-distance part of the relationship at all. I didn’t know how hard it would be. I didn’t know that when I saw him again, it would be different. I assumed it would all be the same, and that I would feel cheap when we met up for weekend visits.
“Babe,” Tanner says, grabbing at me as I close the door to the mediocre hotel room we got for the weekend.
His mouth is on mine before anything else can be said or I can even set my purse down. I kiss him back with equal fervor, hoping for a spark of something.
Tanner tugs at my cardigan, pulling it from my shoulders haphazardly. Annoyed by his lack of grace, I push him off and pull the garment down my arms. He rips it from my hands, tosses it to the bed, and reaches for the button on my jeans. They’re on the floor before I know it, and he’s pressed against me again.
“I need to fuck you.”
And I let him. Right there on the back of a motel door, I let him.
Because that’s how desperately I want to feel with him.
In the end, I don’t.
I assumed wrong because that’s exactly what they felt like after our last encounter—cheap. It wasn’t until then that I realized that it had been about the same all the times before that.
Not at all what I was hoping for when we first started all this.
We met unexpectedly when he came into Clyde’s, the sports bar where I work, with his younger brother and friends last year. It was a lust-at-first-sight type of thing, and after hitting it off so well, we plunged head first into a relationship and never looked back.
Or ahead, apparently.
I’m not saying Tanner is an awful boyfriend. He’s not the best, but he’s far from the worst. He may come off as this tough guy, asshole type to the world, but he’s not like that with me…most of the time. It’s like I hung the moon for him and him alone, and I don’t doubt for a second that when Tanner says he loves me, he means it in his special way. And when we’re together, we work.
Or at least we used to.
“I couldn’t imagine having a long-distance relationship myself,” Becca comments. “It all seems so difficult to keep up with. Easy to get separated from who you are.”
Bingo!
When we’re together, I tend to let Tanner take the wheel and drive my emotions instead of kicking it over into manual and driving myself. Without him, I’m on guard and always watching over my shoulder, expecting to find my parents there correcting me since that’s what they’ve done all my life.
I need to be one or the other. And so far, the version where I’m not checking over my shoulder constantly—the one where I feel as though I’m more capable of taking control of my own life like I was starting to do before—is the one I like the most.
I understand that finding a balance between the two different people we project is hard, but lingering in the middle like we have been isn’t working. It’s making everything much more difficult.
We started off as these different people and created a beautiful friendship in the short time we had together. Thinking that was who we truly were, it bloomed into this whirlwind affair. Shortly after he left, we reverted to who we were before. Because of this, we’ve stayed in this never-ending push and pull of pretending. I think we enjoy those impeccable versions of each other too much to break it off, but it’s becoming exhausting to keep up the charade.
“It’s hard, but someone has to do it, right?”
“Right,” Becca agrees distractedly. “Almost done. You’re gonna look so hot!”
“Can I turn around yet?” I ask Becca, who has me flipped around so I can’t see in the mirror.
“Almost…,” she starts. She walks around and stands in front of me. I watch as she reaches out and moves a few pieces of hair. Smiling, she proclaims, “Done!”
Closing my eyes as Becca takes off the zebra-print cape, my nerves reaching an all-time high. I only came in for a cut, not a color. She spins me around, but I’m still too nervous to look.
“Come on, come on. Look already, Maura. Tell me how wonderful I am!”
I peel one eye open and peek at the mirror. Huh. Not bad so far. I open the other just as slowly, and my mouth drops open.
When Becca said pink, I assumed a light, sweet pink and not the edgy, dark magenta she went with. And I love it.
“Holy wow,” I whisper.
“Right? It’s hot!”
She’s correct again. It is hot. The carefully dipped ends mixed with my now freshly trimmed swing bob looks fan-freakin’-tastic! “You. Are. Amazing! A genius! It’s awesome!”
She lifts a shoulder and smiles coyly. “You’re welcome.”
I make sure to give Becca an extra-big hug (and tip) as I leave.
My rule in life has always been: if you get a new hair-do, you get a new outfit to give yourself that extra boost of sass. So I decide to head toward Jane’s to get my shopping on.
“Maura?”
Stopping in the middle of the sidewalk, I turn toward the familiar voice.
“Tucker,” I say carefully.
It’s been a week since Tucker caught me puffy-eyed at Clyde’s during my Wednesday shift. I had just gotten off the phone with Tanner and was crying after we had a small disagreement. It was nothing big—a mix up of dates for when Tanner was coming home next. He was supposed to attend a dinner event my overbearing parents are throwing next month but got slapped with duty for the weekend. I normally wouldn’t care or complain, but I think that with everything weird happening with our relationship, we need to be together. I need to see my favorite side of Tanner to validate why we keep it going.
Plus, he was the only reason I was attending, because spending more than two hours with my parents does something to me. Tanner was supposed to be my support through it.
Fifty questions later, Tucker wrangled the story out of me. I explained to him how important the dinner was to my family and how they had already paid for a plate for Tanner. So Tucker, the gentleman he is, volunteered to step in. I turned him down. And apparently hurt his ego, because he’s come in to Clyde’s each night since, trying to get me to talk to him. It hasn’t worked.
“How are you?” I ask, silently praying a giant black hole would appear and swallow me up so I wouldn’t have to face him.
He cocks his head sideways, narrowing his eyes at me, as he closes the distance between us. “Fine,” he drawls. The way he’s watching me makes my skin itch, and I’m not sure why. “You changed your hair.”
I shrug and push my hands into my back pockets, leaning back to peek up at him. “Yep.”
“It looks good. Fits you.”
My eyebrows shoot up at this. “Fits me? How?”
He screws his lips up, thinking about how to answer this. “It just does. You seem more…you, more relaxed. Carefree, even.”
I have to admit, I had no idea what I expected when Tucker said it “fits” me, but that was most definitely not it.
Narrowing my eyes, I carefully inspect the younger brother of my boyfriend. He’s tall with dirty blonde hair, and he’s built. He’s not as bulky as Tanner, who has free rein of a military gym, but he’s definitely carrying around extra muscle. Unlike Tanner, Tucker is always—and I mean always—laid back and relaxed. I don’t think the guy owns anything other than t-shirts, flannels, and jeans. He’s got this easy vibe to him that his brother is, well, lacking.
Other than the casual vibe he always gives off, the two things that make him so much different from Tanner are his tattoos and his eyes.
AKA, two reasons I’ve always avoided him because…damn.
Tucker has two full sleeves of all black tattoos. And they are brilliantly crafted. Incredible. Alluring. They suck you in. His right arm is
one massive tree. It doesn’t need color for one to tell that it’s alive. The flowers are shaded so that his whole arm appears to have a life of its own. But his left arm? That one is my favorite. The tree is dead, and it’s absolutely breathtaking. Each arm has a story that a part of me wants to eventually coax out of him.
And the other thing…those eyes? Hand to all holy things, they’re gold, bordering on amber, reminding me of honey. Tanner’s are a deep, dark, flat brown.
I can thank my girl Rae for my eye obsession, I guess, because that’s the first thing I noticed about Tucker when I saw him up close.
The corners of his mouth tip down under my scrutiny. “Why are you avoiding me?”
This is annoying enough to take me out of the trance I was in. Because I am avoiding him. But I’m not telling him that.
“Why are you stalking me?” I throw back without thinking.
Tucker huffs. “Stalking you? I’m not stalking you, Maura. I’m trying to get you to talk to me. To let me go to that dinner with you in Tanner’s place.”
“I already cancelled on them, Tucker,” I lie. “You don’t have to be my pity date.”
“Pity date,” I barely hear him say as I turn back around and keep walking up the street.
I make it about ten feet before I realize I’m acting like a total bitch for no reason. Well, there is a reason. I’m a little angry at the world because my brain is all mucky over Tanner, but that’s no reason for me to take it out on his brother.
I sigh and turn around, deciding to try and smooth things over with him. Tucker is still standing where I left him, his shoulders slumped. I walk briskly back to him, not stopping until I’m about a foot away.
“Why do you care so much anyway?” I ask quietly.
He stares at me and steps closer to get out of the middle of the sidewalk. “Because I can see the toll it’s taking on you. Tanner being gone is hard. You need someone to be there for you who understands all this. You need a friend, Maura. Let me be that friend for you.”
But that’s the thing. He doesn’t understand any of this. He doesn’t get why I’m so upset about Tanner. He thinks it’s because my boyfriend is gone, when truthfully, it’s because I feel like we’re stuck, like we’re more friends with mediocre benefits than actual girlfriend-boyfriend.
“I have friends. Plenty of them.”
He narrows his eyes at me again and tilts his head sideways. “Yeah? And where are they when you’re clearly not okay? I can read you like a book, Maura. Don’t act like you’re the first girl Tanner’s left behind for months at a time. You’re just the only one who’s stuck around this long.”
If Tucker thinks he’s pulling one over on me, he’s wrong, because I already knew about Tanner’s previous girlfriend. They met on his last leave, started a relationship, and she cheated on him while he was gone. End of story. They had only been together for two months, so it didn’t result in major heartbreak for Tanner.
But now that I think about it, what if it was because she experienced that same thing I’m experiencing? Fuck.
“Screw you, Tucker,” I push out through gritted teeth as I try to step around him. He grabs my arm lightly and stops me from going any farther. “Let me go.”
“Are you gonna be okay or not?” he asks on a sigh.
A part of me wants to smooth out my ruffled feathers because of the sweetness I hear in Tucker’s voice. He’s genuinely concerned for me. While I’m thankful that someone cares, he’s not the person I want. He’s not who should be asking me if I’m okay.
I pull my arm from his grip. “I’ll be fine. Thanks for the concern.”
He allows me to walk away from him this time.
2
I’m so annoyed over my encounter with Tucker that I forgo going to Jane’s and head home to pig out on ice cream and watch sappy movies.
“I HATE MEN!” I yell as I stomp through my aunt’s house.
“What in the world did you do to your hair?” Kassi questions from her relaxed position on the couch, her mouth hanging wide open.
I cringe. “Bad?”
She sits up and stares at me, shaking her head. “No. So, so good. I am in love with it!” Then she’s off her feet and touching it. “It’s gorgeous! Soft, feminine, edgy, you.”
Okay, she’s the second person to say how this haircut is “me” today. Have I been hiding behind who I truly am for that long? And have I been that transparent about it?
“Thanks. I think.”
She shrugs and walks back over to where she was on the couch. “What’s up with the man-bashing? What did Tanner do now?”
“Actually, it wasn’t Tanner this time. I mean, it kind of was, but it wasn’t.”
“That makes total sense,” she says, feigning understanding.
I shoot her a glance and flop down on the other end of the dark blue sofa. “First off, rude. Second off, it was Tanner and Tucker this time.”
“Tucker? You mean Tanner’s super-hot, single younger brother?”
Not wanting to admit out loud that she’s right, because Tucker isn’t bad-looking, I shrug. “Whatever. Anyway, you know that annual dinner my parents have?”
Kassi visibly shudders. “Blech. I hate that thing. It’s suffocating.”
“And that’s exactly why I wasn’t going to go this year. But then Tanner happened. My parents love him, so I kind of had to go. Tanner encouraged it. And then he bailed. Duty or whatever.”
“Okay, so where exactly does Tucker come in?”
“I found out about Tanner bailing last week, and Tucker happened to come into Clyde’s as I was wiping my eyes.”
“And you hate him because?”
“Tucker offered to take me. I turned him down. He’s been coming into my work almost every day since. I’ve been ignoring him,” I tell her.
She frowns. “Maura, honey, you’re going to have to spell this out for me. I don’t understand how any of what Tucker has done is wrong.”
“He’s trying to take me on a pity date! A freakin’ pity date to my own parents’ dinner! It’s…insulting!” I fume.
Kassi screws her face up and gives me this look that says she thinks I’m crazy. “I don’t perceive it that way at all. I see it like he’s doing a favor for you. Or maybe trying to correct his brother’s mess up.”
I huff and cross my arms over my chest like a damn toddler because I hate that her appraisal of the situation may be valid. I know I was a bitch earlier to Tucker, and if I’m honest, this is my way of justifying it.
Because let’s face it: I had no reason at all to be mean to Tucker. I was projecting, and I shouldn’t have done that. It’s not his fault that his brother is an ass who bailed on a huge event with my parents.
Fine, I shouldn’t be mad at Tanner either, but between his schedule mix up, all the phone tag we’ve been playing, and me constantly second-guessing my feelings for him lately, I’ve let it surface and all fall on him. Bitch move, Maura.
But that’s not the only thing she’s right about. I just realized that maybe Tucker can read me like a book because what I’m missing is friendship. And he’s definitely offering one.
“Go on. Tell me how right I am,” Kassi gloats.
“Yeah, yeah. The part that bugged me the most was how he acted about it. All smug and shit, telling me how he can read me. How he wants to be my friend because the ones I have are apparently shitty.”
Kassi clears her throat. “He may not be wrong.”
I snap my head toward her. “What.” It doesn’t come out as a question.
“What I mean is Tucker gets all this military crap. He’s been living with it for the last several years. He understands. Maybe you should reach out to him. He might be able to help you through the confusion you’ve been feeling.”
“Or I can not, and say I did.”
“Okay, brat. Be that way, then. But think about it. You probably need him more than you realize.”
But she’s wrong. The only person I need is my boyfriend. Or he�
��s the person I should need. How did I get so screwed up by all this?
“I’m going to go call Tanner,” I tell her in attempt to make myself feel better about that thought I just had.
I lied to her when I said I was going to call Tanner, because the first thing I do when I make it into my room is lie down on my bed and do my best to hold back my sudden tears, I know that Kassi is right. I’m not okay. My head isn’t where it needs to be. My heart isn’t where it needs to be. And I think I need someone else to lean on for a change. Anyone who isn’t my boyfriend’s brother.
I close my eyes tightly and try to push away all my shameful thoughts because I have no idea why I’m almost crying over a man I’m not sure I love like I should anymore. I have no idea why I’m letting whatever is happening between us push me away from my other friends and the world. I’ve been nothing but a shut-in these past few months as I’ve tried figuring out what in the hell is going on with Tanner and me.
Since Tucker is the best friend of my best friend’s boyfriend (because that wasn’t confusing or anything), I have to see him. All. The. Time. Each time we are all together, Tucker sees things, things he shouldn’t be seeing. He looks at me and understands all this stuff that I hide from Rae and Perry on the daily. I’m tired of him seeing directly through me, because that’s exactly what’s happening.
It’s so hard to keep this falsely happy attitude around everyone when all I truly want to do is break down. I want to let my tears flow because I’m lonely. I miss him, yet I have no real right to, especially not when I have no idea how I feel about him.
I simply want to cry out of frustration, want, and anger.
But I don’t. I can’t.
My phone suddenly rings, and I rush to answer it without checking the screen.
“Hello?”
“Maura. It’s about time you answered your phone.” I immediately regret pressing that green button now.
“I-I had it on silent,” I lie to my mother, my nervous stutter coming out. “It won’t happen again.”
“Having your phone on silent is incredibly rude to those trying to call you, Maura. But I don’t expect you to understand something so simple.”
Here's To Box Set (Complete Series) Page 26
