Chapter 24 - Zombie-ostrich
NINA
This morning, I decided I wasn’t sick anymore and that I was going to go to work. I couldn’t bear spending another day with that stupid Cowboy in my head. I’ve tried everything to get him out, but the harder I try, the more miserably I fail.
I’m in my truck, stuck in a traffic jam, with Tiger on the phone, and it’s raining.
“Hey, Tiger. Good morning to you. Do you have any new gossip for me today?” I ask my best friend.
“Hi, my dear Trucker Girl. No new gossip today, unfortunately. I just wanted to check if you were working and how you’re doing now that you have recovered. Are you feeling better? Are you back at work?”
“I’m doing all right, hon. I got back to work today.”
“Do you have Gnocchi with you?” I smile at her question. She must be concerned if she’s asking if I have my dear pit bull with me.
“Does Donald Trump have a comb-over? He has his big head in my lap as we speak.” Not Trump, of course. My dog.
I don’t know if she will understand, but I need to confide in someone. Even though I hate to admit it, I do doubt myself a bit.
“It’s finally happened. I think. I have the feeling I have become a zombie now. The thing I have always feared the most!”
“A zombie? Not this nonsense again. You have to stop thinking like this, girl!”
I try to explain myself quickly. “I’m not feeling well ... and it’s not the flu or anything. At least, that’s what my doctor says.”
I’ve transformed into a zombie on the inside. There simply isn’t any other explanation. I really think so, because, if I’m not sick, then what else is going on? Why am I having such a hard time finding my rhythm? I had to force myself to get out of bed and go back to work today, which is so unlike me. I just feel ... gloomy. Empty. Like a zombie, after all. At least, that is how I imagine a zombie would feel. The large lump in my throat is really hard to swallow.
“Hey, I thought you were such a tough chick? Then why act so pathetic?” The sudden edge in her voice shakes me out of my sad mood.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, for a trucker girl, you’re pretty lost, girl! You pretend you can just move on with your life as if nothing happened! But so much has happened. Too much! You need to give Cowboy a chance, Nina. A real chance! Why don’t you, huh? That’s the reason you’re not feeling well. It is. Trust me!”
“I’ve handled it all wrong, Tiger! I took another man home to hurt Cowboy. To make him see who’s in charge. That’s not something he will forget easily, is it? And even if he does, do you really think I will get a happily ever after? He has a life in the States. I have my life here. He’s already returned to America with his harem. There is a fucking ocean between us now!”
“You did what? What man did you bring home?”
“Peter. I almost had a sexcapade with Peter!” I know I sound desperate.
“Jesus, Nina. But I thought you were getting it on with Cowboy.”
“Yes, but I was mad at Cowboy, and I wanted to show him that I can do without him. I wanted to end things with him. I wanted to convince not only Cowboy, but myself as well, that I could move on.”
“Why didn’t you tell me this sooner, Nina! Jesus. What is wrong with you?”
“I don’t know, Tiger. I don’t know anything anymore. So much has happened in these two weeks. I wouldn’t know where to start.”
“Okay, let’s not panic. We’ll catch up properly soon. But for now, I just want to tell you this. You. Are. Just. Scared. That Italian pride of yours is keeping you from admitting that you were wrong. That you were wrong about Cowboy. Stop being so fucking stubborn for once!”
“Jesus, that’s a bit harsh, don’t you think? Why do you keep nagging about this? I’m done with Cowboy. D-O-N-E!”
“You are letting something good slip away and I just can’t watch that.” Her voice is shaky.
“What do you know? You don’t know him. I don’t know him. No one knows him!” I scream desperately.
“I know he is a good guy, and you should know that too, by now,” she says, matter-of-fact.
“How exactly?” I ask.
“Didn’t you talk to Billy? Surely, he told you?” Her voice rises an octave, which gives me a creepy feeling in my stomach.
“Uh ... what the hell are you talking about?”
“Banana hammock macaroons ... I can’t believe you don’t know this ... Okay, hang on tight. I’m gonna tell you, but maybe it’s safer to pull the truck over for a moment.”
After I park my truck at the next best gas station, I call Tiger back.
Apparently, after doing some research, Noa, Cowboy’s HR lady, found out that for some time now. Billy had been making arrangements in my work schedule that were favorable for me, but that were actually against the company rules.
First of all, that fixed day off for our weekly salsa Wednesday? Weekly fixed days off are prohibited, apparently. Second, the number of miles I drive on average every week, seems to be below the minimum. I wasn’t aware of that. Last but not least, I had been too leisurely with my obligated breaks and Billy made sure this could not be traced back in my files, which I also didn’t know about. All of this is news to me—Billy never said anything!
“I didn’t know this, Anita! What is wrong with Booty Boy, that he would do all this?”
“I didn’t know either, but he did it with the best intensions, the sweet fool. He knew you were having a rough time after your parents died, and I think this is his way of helping you.”
“I’ll need to talk to him about this soon. But what does all of this have to do with Cowboy?”
“Well, what happened next was that Noa immediately went to see Sebastian, with Billy on her heels, to tell him about her discoveries. She demanded that you be fired, Nina! Billy begged him not to. He explained that you didn’t know anything about it, and that it was all his doing.”
“And then what?”
“Billy told me that Sebastian acted very calm with all of it. In a politically correct way, he summoned the HR lady from Audi Germany and demanded from both women that they review all protocols and procedures. Because these things couldn’t just happen, could they? What happened was not Billy’s, nor your fault, but due to a lack of supervision. In other words, it wasn’t a human error, but an error in the protocol. He required both ladies give this the highest priority and to present him with improvement proposals by the end of the week.”
“Wow ... So that means that he saved my job and Billy’s?”
“You bet your sweet ass he did! And that Noa chick wasn’t happy at all about it, the stupid twat!”
“When did all of this happen?”
“When you were home, ill and ignoring all our phone calls and texts.”
“I got a few from Billy too, yes. The poor thing, he must have been shocked!”
“He’ll live. But Nina ... that Cowboy of yours? He could just as easily have taken sides with Noa, and then you would be out of a job. But he didn’t. He went against his own employee in front of HR Germany and Billy! To protect you!”
Wow. My heart suddenly feels as if it’s bigger than a minute ago. It’s swelled up because of the emotions this man triggers in me. My thoughts trail to places I want to go. Places I had buried deep within me. My heart is drowning in a sea of emotions.
What is it exactly that I’m feeling? My mind tries to catch up with my heart. Would it be possible for me to love someone and for that person to love me back? That we could be happy together? That we could have a life full of adventure? The walls that I have built so carefully over the past years start crumbling. Things I never thought possible, seem possible all of a sudden.
Am I mad? Did something snap in my brain? How is it that I always feel so safe with Cowboy? How can I even consider being with someone who’s been with the mafia, for crying out loud? How can I trust him? But my heart doesn’t care about that. I just trust this man.
/> Have you ever had that moment when everything seemed to fall into place? Like all your life, everything was blurred and then, one day, you’re sitting in an optician’s chair and he puts one of those funny machines up to your face. When he adjusts the glasses to the correct sharpness, suddenly you see everything clear for the first time in your life. It’s so weird. You never really had the feeling that your vision was so unclear to begin with. You were perfectly capable of reading everything. Okay, sometimes your eyes would get tired and every now and then, you would get a little headache, but doesn’t everyone? Then, in the blink of an eye, your vision is crystal clear.
That’s what it’s like for me at this very moment. All of a sudden, everything makes sense. This Cowboy. This boss. This man. He’s made me feel things, for the first time in the past two years. Maybe for the first time ever. Things I didn’t even know I needed. The biggest adventure I’ve had so far is right in front of me, and I don’t want it to get away. I can’t go back to the way things were anymore.
I think about how unhappy my parents were and about how many people live their boring lives as zombies. Are they all that stupid? Or have they actually been seizing the day? Are they actually the ones with the guts? Who try, despite everything, to find a way to be happy?
Could it be I haven’t been seizing the fucking day at all? Could it be I was just sticking my head in the ground the whole time? Was I an ostrich, sticking her head in the sand, telling herself everything was fine, while the opposite was true? This can’t be true. Is this a joke? Where is Neil Diamond when you need him?
“Oh. My. Fucking. God. Tiger! I am a zombie! I’ve been a zombie this whole time, and I never knew! Or maybe zombie isn’t the right word. Maybe I’ve been an ostrich. Yes, that’s more accurate. I’m an ostrich! Am I missing the chance of a lifetime by turning down Cowboy? By being too scared and too proud to alter my plans with all that bullshit I try to fool myself with?”
Anita interrupts my mental babbling. “What on earth are you talking about?! Are you losing your mind?”
“I am an ostrich! I am a fucking zombie-ostrich!” I scream, ignoring her comment.
“Okay. Take a couple deep breaths, honey, because you’re rambling, and not making any sense.” She’s put on her strict voice now, which is a rare thing for her, but by using that tone, she suddenly breaks through to me.
She’s right. I need to calm down. I try to breathe in as deeply I can, hold my breath a few seconds, and then let it out slowly. I repeat the process a couple of times.
“Nina, are you still there?” Her question makes me realize I’ve been doing this breathing thing longer than I thought without saying anything.
“Yes, yes, I’m still here! I’m trying to breathe, like you said!”
“Oh, okay! Now, listen to me carefully.” I wait for her to continue talking, but she remains silent. Maybe she’s waiting until she has my full attention.
“Okay, I’m listening,” I prompt.
She really needs to start spilling what she wants to tell me. I’m very curious about her ideas on the subject. This is the single most important subject in my life and I really need her brain to help me, because I have the feeling my brain short-circuited on me.
“I’m not sure whether I understand completely what you mean with turning into a zombie-ostrich, but it doesn’t matter. Maybe you are a zombie, maybe you are an ostrich. Or maybe a turtle. So what? We all get scared sometimes. But you know what? I don’t think you can call yourself a zombie. You are not worthy of the title zombie! You are a failed zombie! Because zombies aren’t afraid! According to your own definition, zombies are dead inside. Or have no feelings. And you, my dear trucker girl, are just afraid of this new possibility that Sebastian offers you. You’re a coward!”
In the two years I have known her, Tiger has never screamed and raged at me before. Never ever. So, I’m startled. Her anger and frustration mirror how I feel. I’m angry and frustrated with myself as well. So it makes sense.
The longer I think about it, the more I realize I’ve been doing a lot more than sticking my head in the sand. It’s worse than that. I’ve been sticking my head in a pile of shit.
The past two weeks have flown by like a race car, clearing its way through a jungle of various emotions and experiences. Those hours with Cowboy in my truck, breathing in each other’s energy, and him asking me questions I had to answer for myself. Laughing together and singing along with his favorite rock ballads. Dancing and sleeping together, and the warmth of his hands, his mouth, and body at moments when I needed them. The young, lonely, but strong Sebastian, who saved my family and me from the hands of the Italian mafia. Who hasn’t been strong just for me, but for himself as well, and managed to create a better life for his three girls. The man who has always been there for me, even though I didn’t know it. The man who has become a safe haven for me and never lets me down, even though I’ve let myself down so many times.
This was my story about how I’m actually a zombie too, just like all the other idiots that wander this earth. If I had to summarize this, it would be something like: I thought I was a tough trucker girl, but suddenly, partly because of an American Cowboy, who is actually a secret immigrant and part of the mafia, I came to realize I’m actually a zombie. The. Fucking. End. And they lived happily ever after. Water under the bridge ... et cetera, et cetera.
But this cannot be the end. I won’t have it! I can’t let Cowboy go. I’m gonna give this a shot. This adventure with Cowboy. Is it an adventure? A relationship? A sexcapade? I don’t know, and I don’t care. I have to let go of all that nonsense and see what life brings me. I’m open to anything. As long as I’m with Cowboy, I don’t give a damn. I know what I have to do.
If our life were a highway, it would not be an existing one, but one I create myself while I’m driving.
Chapter 25 - Mask
NINA
I’m rummaging through the piles of clothing and other stuff spread around my room. Now that I’ve just found out I’m a zombie, it’s not the best time to lose my cell. I need to get a hold of Sebastian and my phone is the only way to do so. I have no idea where I put it.
He probably left already and is back in the States with Louie, Huey, and Dewey. Back to his Adonis life, where he doesn’t need to deal with crazy Italian trucker girls. Oh god! Please tell me I’m not too late! I can’t let it end this way. I need to get a hold of him, even if it’s just to thank him. Genuinely thank him for the fact that he opened my eyes.
“Grandma!” Panic strikes. “Where the hell is my cell phone? I just had it ten minutes ago!” I’m running around my room, tossing clothes from one side to the other. She runs into my room and gives me a surprised look, while I look under the bed, on my hands and knees like a raging lunatic.
“I didn’t know you were home. Don’t you have to work?” She’s standing in the doorway, looking at my disarranged condition. Then her gaze averts to the window and her eyes nearly come bulging out of her head.
“Nina! You can’t park your truck in front of the house! Have you lost your mind? You have to park it somewhere else, you hear me? Isn’t there anyone waiting for the cargo?”
“No, Grands, the truck is empty. No one will miss it. But listen. I just figured out something tremendously important, and now I need to talk to Sebastian urgently.”
“Oh, okay.” I think her reaction is quite amusing. A few seconds ago, she was panicked and all of a sudden, that’s completely vanished.
“Don’t you think you need to clean your room, Nina? Don’t you think it’s a mess?” she complains. She doesn’t even ask me what the reason for my own panic is. She doesn’t ask me why I need to speak with Sebastian all of a sudden. This woman ... I just can’t figure her out at all. Curiosity burning in her eyes, she picks up the white diary lying on my pillow.
“Do you still write in this sometimes?”
“Yes, Grandma, but that’s really not the point right now! Can’t you see I’m in the middle of a huge crisi
s? Where is my phone?” I ask, frantically. She doesn’t reply, not a word. She merely rolls her eyes and walks away.
“Don’t go now, Grandma. Where is my cell phone?” Some help you are.
All wound up, I continue my search. With sweat beads forming on my forehead, I look around my room, trying to remember where I put the damn thing. When I turn around to leave the room, I bump into Grandma, who is holding my phone up in front of my face. I take it from her and start typing frantically, without so much as a thank you. Grandma leaves without a word. She knows when I’m like this, it’s no use talking to me.
Me: I’m the worst zombie ever!
I don’t have to wait long for his reply.
S: Oh, so you know you’re a zombie?
Me: Yes, I’ve just figured it out! How is it possible that I didn’t know all this time?
S: We are all zombies. So most of us don’t know.
Me: Oh, okay. Glad I’m in the know now.
S: Well, you had to figure it out sooner or later.
Me: Better late than never, I say.
S: If it’s any consolation, you are the most beautiful zombie I’ve ever met.
Me: Thanx. Right back at ya.
This entire interaction doesn’t make any sense, I realize, but I do feel relieved. I was so afraid he might be angry with me.
S: Thanx. But how come you’re the worst?
Me: Because I’m afraid. Ever hear of a scared zombie?
S: Oh. But zombies are only human too. Deep within.
Me: Have you ever been afraid?
S: Sure. I’m afraid of lots of things. But I won’t let that stop me. Life’s too short for that.
Me: You don’t strike me as the scared type. You don’t sound angry either.
S: Who should I be angry with?
Me: Me.
S: I’ve already forgiven you. For everything you could ever possibly do.
Now he’s got me. He has control of me completely. I realize it now so well, the complete moron I’ve been all this time. I’m completely in his power. He could make this really hard for me now, but he doesn’t. He’s nothing but understanding. Ever since we met, he’s had nothing but understanding for me. He knows me so well, better than I know myself.
Chasing the CEO (The CEO duet Book 1) Page 20
