by Jessica Roe
But I have to. I have to do this. “Yes, I am.”
Seth heaves out a relieved sigh. “We'll get through this,” he announces, a new sense of determination making him sit up straight. Swiping his damp cheeks dry, he scoots closer and reaches out a hand to grip mine.
And all I can think is that. . .
Is that it feels. . .
Wrong.
It isn't Nathan's hand, so it doesn't belong in mine.
“We can work this out,” Seth continues. It's like he thinks if he says it enough, it will become true. “We can be happy again.”
I don't have the strength to reply.
Chapter 24
Nathan
PHEE DOESN’T SHOW up at my place until much later in the evening. I've been sat in my living room armchair, silently, in complete stillness ever since I arrived home; waiting. Darkness has set, but I haven't been able to find the motivation to get up and switch on the lights.
Hours have passed and a pit of something painful has been forming in my stomach as the minutes tick by. I've wanted to call her all day, but resisted. Pure willpower alone has kept me from picking up that phone.
When I finally hear the knock at the front door, I almost don't answer it. Almost. Fear has a funny way of manifesting.
I can tell, the second the door swings open and I get a look at Phee's face, that things aren't going to go my way. I'm going to get my heart broken all over again.
We stand at the doorway a few seconds in silence. Before either of us have even said a word my stomach fills with the worst sense of dread I've ever felt in my entire life and I panic, desperately wanting to escape; to run and hide so I don't have to listen to what it is Phee came here to say.
But I don't run.
For the first time in my goddamned life, I don't run.
When I can't prolong the wait any longer, I open the door wider so Phee can slip inside. When she disappears down the hallway I close it, resting my head against the wooden surface and taking a deep breath.
I'm not sure I can do this.
I follow her inside the house.
Phee waits for me in my small living room, standing in the center of the space with downcast eyes. She’s turned on a lamp and the low light casts a warm glow over her. Pausing in the doorway, I watch her for the longest time. Air catches in my throat. I love her so fucking much.
When she meets my eyes, I see moisture glistening on her long lashes.
“Don't,” I protest quickly when she opens her mouth to speak. “Don't say it.”
But we both know avoidance won't cut it here.
“I can't leave him,” she tells me, her voice small. I almost choke. Everything I am, everything that makes me who I've come to be, shatters and dies at her words. I glance down at her hand. The ring isn't back on. Yet.
My voice cracks when I reply. “Tell me.”
So she does. She explains about what Seth is doing for her mom, about why she feels the need to make things work with him. I die inside, little by little, at each passing word. I think Phee does too. And that's the worst thing about all of this – Phee really does love me, but she's leaving me anyway. She's sacrificing us.
I hate her decision.
More soul destroying than that, I understand her decision, which only serves to make me hate it even more.
“I get it,” I tell her quietly when she finishes speaking. I expect her to look relieved at that, but she doesn't. She just looks tortured. Striding across the room, I grab her shoulders and yank her closer to me, leaning down until we're practically nose to nose. “But I can't accept it, Phee. I fucking can't. I just got you back! I. . .I refuse to believe this is it. You-”
She cuts me off with her lips on mine, and I don't waste any time fisting her hair and holding her tight as I kiss her with all the fury I possess. Her fingers twist my t-shirt so hard I hear the material tear, and then she pushes me away. It goes against every fiber of my being, but I release her immediately. I would never hold her against her will.
“I can't, Nathan!” she yells tearfully. “Don't you get that I have to do this?!”
I let go of any sense of pride I've ever possessed. “Phee,” I beg, ready to drop to my knees if I have to. My heart is racing a million miles an hour in my chest. I fight the urge to be sick as the moment I lose her forever draws nearer. “Please don't do this. Don't you leave me. I. . .I fucking need you. I've needed you ever since that first day I met you and ten years apart has done fucking nothing to change that. I've been nothing since you left. A shell. A hollow, empty shell. Tell me you don't need me as much as I need you.”
She doesn't deny it. Her hands cover her face but I yank them down. I won't let her hide from me, not now. “Nathan. . .”
“Change your mind,” I plead. “I'll. . .I'll do anything it takes. I'll get the money for your mom's care. I can sell the gallery, or. . .or I'll ask my parents!”
She shakes her head back and forth, horrified at the idea. “You can't-”
“I can.”
“They won't-”
“I'll join my father's law firm,” I exclaim, snatching the idea out of the air and running with it, because she's right – my parents wouldn't just hand over the money if I asked for it. Not without something in return. “I'll join the law firm in exchange for a loan. It's what they always wanted from me anyway, so there's no way they'd say no. I'll do whatever it takes, Phee.”
She stares up at me with watery eyes like I'm crazy, but also like she loves me more than her own existence. “I could never, ever do that to you,” she replies hotly, angry at my suggestion. “Do you understand that? I would never take away the thing you've spent your entire life working for.”
“I wouldn't resent you for it,” I vow, in case that's what she's worrying about. Because I wouldn't. Sure, it would be hard, but I'd do it. For her. I'd take on the whole world, for her.
“I know.” A little hiccup of a sob escapes her throat. “But I would never destroy your life that way, and you're an idiot if you think I could.”
“It's not destruction,” I protest desperately, grasping her hands in mine and refusing to let go when she tries to pull them back. There's a terrifying pressure building in my chest and I fear it'll explode from within me at any second.
This love I feel for Phee, it may not be healthy. It's borderline fucking obsessive and it always has been, but I can't give her up. Not like this. Not ever.
“It's love,” I continue. “And love is being stupid as shit together and making crazy decisions and sticking with each other no matter what happens.” Letting go of her hands, I cup her damp cheeks and press my forehead against hers. “That's my vow to you, Phee. I broke it once before and I destroyed both our lives in the process, but not this time. I won't break it again.”
Chapter 25
Ophelia
NATHAN ISN’T GOING to just give up on me, I see that now. I was foolish to think I could come here, explain things to him, have him understand and then just skip on my merry way. God, if he had just let me go it would have broken my heart.
I'm so damned twisted.
But Nathan, he loves me too much to let go easily. It's a possessive, desperate, dangerous kind of love – the same love I feel for him. If the roles had been reversed I know for a fact I'd never have given up on us so long as he still loved me.
And now I know what I have to do.
I. . .
I have to make Nathan give up on us.
My heart aches with gratitude for everything he's offering to lose for me, but I meant every word I said – I could never, ever ruin his life like that, never rip away the dreams he's worked so hard for. I love him too much to do that to him.
Nathan will never stop fighting for me.
Not unless I make him.
I have to hurt Nathan. Hurt him so much he'll never want to see me again. And I have to make it believable. He knows me too well.
Oh God.
It'll kill me to do it, but it's the only w
ay to save Nathan from himself. Save him from me. And that's why I will.
So I harden my heart. I pull away from his embrace and wipe my tears, straighten my shoulders, take a deep breath. I school my face into a blank, emotionless mask. I return to the Ophelia I was before coming home, shoving the playful, free, loving Phee back in the box to be forgotten about once more. It's where she should have remained this entire time. I was selfish to let her back out.
Forcing myself to heave a sigh, I step back and fold my arms across my chest, eyeing Nathan disdainfully. “Okay, this is just getting ridiculous. You're acting like a child. Clearly our time together meant something different to you than it did to me.”
It takes him a few seconds to process my words, as if I'm speaking another language he hasn't quite grasped. He frowns in confusion. “The fuck you mean?”
Dropping a hand to my hip, I shrug a shoulder casually. “Look, if I'm being entirely honest, our time together was really just a silly little mistake.”
He flinches back, but has no words to reply. I can't blame him. I'm unrecognizable now; cold and icy and monstrous.
“I panicked,” I continue dismissively. “Getting married is a big commitment and I got scared. I used you as an excuse to justify my fear. I think I just needed you out of my system, once and for all. So perhaps it wasn't a mistake after all!” I add with a bright smile, like that's some kind of wonderful consolation prize. “Just a successful experiment. Because it worked – I got you out of my system and I'm not afraid anymore. Now I can go back to my real life with Seth knowing I have no unfinished business and absolutely nothing holding me back.”
Nathan stands before me. His face is pale, his eyes wide and his fists clenched. Physically he's still as stone, but I know him as well as he knows me. I'm breaking him apart. Destroying him. And that, in turn, destroys me.
But I can't let that show. I have to be strong. Stronger than I've ever been.
It takes every ounce of control I have, but on the outside I remain calm, even as I shatter inside. There are alarms blaring inside my head telling me to stop talking, begging me to take it back, pleading with me to reconsider. But I ignore them. I have to do this. I have to do this for him.
“We're done, Nathan,” I state coldly, and with a noise of pain he drops to his knees and bends over, his breathing coming out all wrong. His fists clench against the ground, his head lowered.
In an awful, ugly role reversal from when we were teenagers, Nathan is the one breaking to pieces while I spew hateful, unforgivable venom. I remember how it felt to be on the receiving end and it's almost enough for me to put a stop to this. Reminding myself that I'm doing this for the right reasons doesn't help. It doesn't help one bit.
So I hide my heartbreak, hating myself even more because I don't even deserve to own it. I don't have the right to be sad and heartbroken, because I did this. All the people that have been hurt today have been hurt because of me, because of the choices I made and the actions I took.
It's all on me.
“Phee. . .” Nathan pleads, but he doesn't look up from the ground. He can't.
I swallow, hard. My mask slips for the briefest of seconds, but luckily he isn't looking at me to see. If he had, this whole ruse would be over in a heartbeat. That's how well he knows me. “Goodbye, Nathan.”
And just like he did to me all those years ago, I turn my back on him and walk away. I leave his house so that I. . .so that I can return to Seth.
I don't even make it to the rental before my knees give out on me and I collapse against the car door. Sliding down to the ground, I find my cell with trembling hands and call Ivy.
“Hey, girl,” she answers cheerily. “I was just thinking about you, how crazy is that? We still need to check out that new wine bar in Norson Lake, remember? I was thinking next Thursday we could get Nash and Nathan all dressed up and-”
“Ivy,” I interrupt. My breath hitches. I wipe my wet eyes on my arm. “It's. . .it's Nathan.”
“What's happened?” Immediately she's alert. “Is he okay? Is he hurt?”
“No,” I reply. Not physically, anyway. “But he needs you. He needs his friends. Now.”
Chapter 26
Nathan
I FEEL TRULY done for. Completely, one hundred percent, fucking done for. It's like I'm drowning, all the time, and there's no coming up for air. Like a thousand foot high waterfall is pounding relentlessly against me and I’ve no chance of escape.
I'm broken beyond repair and there'll be no fixing me this time. No duct taping and gluing me back together like the botched up repair job of my youth. Not now. Not now I know what it's like to have Phee back in my life, in my arms. Not now I've remembered what it's like to actually feel something with a woman, to experience it once more, only to lose her all over again.
And this time I'm helpless to do anything about it. I could have fixed things last time. I didn't, but I could have. Back then I lost Phee and it was my fault, but this time I did everything I could to keep her and I still lost her. She didn't choose me – but then according to her, I was never even a choice to begin with. Not a valid one, anyway.
I've been forced to accept the truth; Phee never loved me the way I loved her, and that knowledge is like. . .is like losing a part of myself. Her love was always something I'd kept close to my heart, even years after she'd left. No matter what had happened and how much distance was between us, I'd been able to cling to the knowledge that what we'd had was real. Phee had loved me, truly loved me, and that had meant everything. It had been something to hold onto, but no longer.
My friends try to help me as best they can, try to be there for me, but even their presence doesn't ease my pain and there's nothing they can do to stop my downwards spiral of despair. Any control I've been clinging to slips and I lose my shit completely, drowning myself in a sea of alcohol and women I don't even want to be around but fuck anyway, desperate just to feel something. But I never do. I feel nothing with any of them save for a few brief moments of numbness, and then that fades and the self-hatred and disgust settles in once more. Every time I slip from another woman's bed I loathe myself, feeling a hundred times worse, yet I do it again and again, stuck in this pattern of self-destruction and having no motivation to free myself of it.
I want to hate Phee. God, I want to hate her so fucking much. This whole thing, my life, would be so much easier to bear if I could just hate her for what she's done to me. But I don't. I can't. I won't.
After a week, maybe two, passes by and my methods of coping only seem to be getting more severe, my friends finally put a stop to it. One night after a solid evening of drinking, Silver, Nash, Zac and Reid get a hold of my drunken ass and all but drag me from Corbin's back to Nash's place, where they sit me down, fill me with coffee so strong it practically melts my insides and demand an explanation.
Sat at the edge of one of the sofas directly opposite me, a weary Silver rests his elbows on his knees and stares me down. It's his fucking teacher stare, the bastard. And it works as well; I feel like a goddamned kid. “You realize you're destroying yourself, right? We can't sit by and let this continue to happen. We won't, Nathan.”
“I'm fine,” I lie, but my words sound empty and lifeless, even to my own ears.
“Like hell you're fine,” he calls me on my bull.
Next to me, Nash shakes his head. “We've known you our whole lives, who do you think you're kidding?”
“You need help, man,” Zac chimes in quietly. I always liked the kid. He’d never been as annoying as the younger siblings of some of my other friends. “Our help.”
Nash nods. “We’ve tried to give you privacy, but the only way we can help you is if you tell us what in the fuck is going on.”
And I. . .I just don’t have the strength to hold it in anymore. I don’t have the willpower to keep my secrets hidden away. To keep the secrets Phee and I have never shared. I’m done. These guys are right – I need my friends. Because I can’t live like this any longer. This
secret has been the loneliest thing about my entire life, and I’m tired of being alone.
So, after all these years, I come clean. I tell them every gory detail about what happened nine years ago with Phee; about the baby and the letter, about what I did to her. About the true reason Phee was sent away and why I never followed after her.
I talk until my voice grows hoarse, and the guys sit there silently, listening.
This release, it’s a weight off my shoulders I hadn’t even realized I’d been carrying around this last decade. I should have told my friends sooner, should have trusted them enough to let them in.
“I’m so sorry, bud,” Zac says, lowering his head. He’s the only one here out of all of us with a child, so perhaps he understands the thought of losing one better than anyone else.
I’m still kinda drunk, but even if I hadn’t been I wouldn’t be ashamed at the way my eyes have started to sting. In front of these guys, I don’t have to be ashamed of anything. “I lost them both,” I say, grimacing at the sound of the words. It’s the first time I’ve ever said them out loud. Mimicking Silver’s elbows on knees position, I drop my head into my hands despairingly. “I lost Phee and I lost my baby. I think about the baby every day, you know. About whether it would have been a boy or a girl, if it woulda looked like me or Phee or a bit of both. If it would’ve been a cocky shit like me or a stubborn nutjob like her.” I lose a tear. “We could’ve been a family, and I destroyed that.”
“Shit,” Nash curses. “I had no idea you were dealing with something like this.” He throws an arm around my shoulder and rests his giant hand on top of my head, pulling me in for a quick one armed hug.
“What happened wasn’t your fault, Nate,” Reid assures me. “I know you think it was, but that’s dangerous thinkin’.”
