by Ella Hickson
SLIGHTLY shakes his hands at WENDY – sort of waggles them in her face.
WENDY. No – it’s like this and you say – ‘How do you do?’
WENDY takes SLIGHTLY’s hand and shakes it properly. SLIGHTLY is a little concerned that he’s been rumbled.
SLIGHTLY. How do you do?
NIBS and TOOTLES practise their how-do-you-dos.
CURLY. I’m Curly and how do you do – how do you doo – how do you – (Gets overwhelmed and just gives WENDY a huge hug and then puts her down and smooths her out.) Sorry for squeezing so hard. You’re a very nice surprise.
NIBS. Second Captain Nibs. I am at your service, m’lady – sir, Captain – uh, madam – um – at ease. Oh.
PETER. Nibs is quick and brave – like me – but a bit less.
NIBS. Not that much less.
TOOTLES. Tootles – I’m the bravest – so if you’re ever afraid of the dark – or spiders – or anything really, I’m your man.
WENDY. Hello. Are there any more of you anywhere?
SLIGHTLY. Are we not enough?
CURLY. I can try to be two.
CURLY tries to be two.
WENDY. No, you’re lovely, but I’m here to find another lost boy – he’s called Tom and he’s about this tall and he’s got a big smile and /
NIBS. / Another Lost Boy? But there aren’t any other Lost Boys.
WENDY. No – no – my brother, Tom – you probably haven’t met him yet, we just need to look.
PETER sniffs the air – listens, tense – danger is on its way. There’s a noise from the bushes – the LOST BOYS immediately jump into defensive positions.
PETER. Unknown arrival – coming quickly, on foot – through the forest – with weapons – into position!
NIBS. Weapons at the ready!
TOOTLES. Protect the Wendy!
Some of the LOST BOYS double back and sort of hug, sort of leap on WENDY creating a rather over-affectionate, slightly awkward bundle. MICHAEL and JOHN run out of the forest covered in leaves. MICHAEL is holding a huge bunch of flowers. They all scream.
JOHN. Good Lord! What on earth is going on here? This is not cricket!
WENDY. John, Michael! You’re here! I’d almost completely forgotten /
JOHN. / Charming.
WENDY. These are the Lost Boys – Slightly, Tootles, Curly and Nibs – aren’t they wonderful!
LOST BOYS. Yes!
All the LOST BOYS group-hug WENDY.
WENDY. Boys – these are my brothers – John and Michael.
MICHAEL charges right on over and leaps into the group hug.
MICHAEL. How lovely!
JOHN. Michael – get a hold of yourself! I mean stop – everyone stop getting a hold of everyone!
The LOST BOYS stop hugging WENDY and approach JOHN for a hug.
WHOA!
The LOST BOYS stop and offer JOHN their hands instead.
CURLY. How you do you?
TOOTLES. How do you do you?
SLIGHTLY. I’m affrighted to cake your acquaintance.
NIBS. How do you do do?
JOHN. Is that a blunderbuss?
NIBS. Yes.
JOHN (delighted). Amazing!
MICHAEL. Wendy – you won’t believe how many rare plants and flowers there are! There are jungles that go on and on – and flowers that crawl and singing flamingos and rivers with multicoloured bubbles and mermaids – a whole lagoon of mermaids! It’s just like I dreamt it! It’s amazing!
TOOTLES. It is – it is all amazing. I’m so glad I didn’t kill Mother!
WENDY. Mother?
CURLY. Of course you’re our mother.
WENDY. No, no – I’m here to find my little brother.
SLIGHTLY. And be Mother.
WENDY. I can’t be a mother.
TOOTLES. But I’ve never had a mother.
WENDY. Oh, Tootles, don’t say that.
TOOTLES. I don’t even know how to read.
SLIGHTLY. I don’t know how to tie my laces.
NIBS. No one has ever tucked us in.
TOOTLES. Or read us stories.
WENDY. No – but I can’t, I /
SLIGHTLY. / We will have little arguments that may seem awful at the time but in the long run will only serve to develop character and bring us closer together.
CURLY. And eat crumpets.
MICHAEL. And laugh, Wendy – and eat big meals round a big table – and dance and play – and laugh – again.
JOHN. It would be nice to laugh again.
Pause.
WENDY. Yes.
NIBS. Yes?
SLIGHTLY. Yes!
CURLY. Yes!
TOOTLES. Yes!
WENDY. But I won’t be able to do it on my own – I’ll need a father to help me – Peter? Will you be Father? Will you?
PETER. Me?
Suddenly, TINK is back, this time as a bright light, and she’s panicking – ‘Peter! Peter! Pirates!’
TOOTLES. It’s Tink – look! Now listen, Tink –
PETER. Shh – she’s saying something?
SLIGHTLY. Pirates! Pirates are coming!
PETER. And – Captain Hook.
JOHN. Hook?
MICHAEL. Hook?
NIBS. Peter, the boys are unarmed.
JOHN. Un-armed? (Lifts his fists.) I don’t think so.
PETER. Take them into the Home Under the Ground.
NIBS. Follow me!
MICHAEL, JOHN and the LOST BOYS head down into the Home Under the Ground.
WENDY. If you’re staying – I’m staying!
PETER. No – go! Now!
WENDY. No!
PETER. Wendy!
WENDY. No. I want to have a good talk with this Hook fellow and see if he’s seen… P-Peter?
DOC SWAIN appears out of the forest and growls big, terrifying, brandishing his sword. WENDY, terrified, freezes. PETER runs forward to attack the PIRATES.
PETER. Raaaah!
DOC SWAIN. He’s here! I got him – he’s here!
WENDY. P-P-P-Peter?
MURT enters and starts to fight PETER. WENDY backs away from DOC SWAIN when, suddenly, from nowhere, a hooded figure, quick and nimble, darts out of the undergrowth and snatches WENDY offstage and into hiding.
Peter!
CAPTAIN HOOK appears, terrifying, out of the forest, along with the other PIRATES. PETER squares up to HOOK and the PIRATES. They fight – it’s quick and impressive, two evenly matched warriors.
PETER. Looky-looky – here comes Hooky.
HOOK. Hello, old friend.
SMEE. C-C-C-Captain – C-C-C-Captain!
HOOK. I’m fighting, Smee.
MURT. It’s the crocodile!
The PIRATES can see what the audience can’t yet see. They freeze and start backing off – leaving only HOOK up at the front, and PETER with his back to the approaching CROCODILE.
HOOK. Hold your positions, you cowardly swine!
SWAIN. The crocodile, Captain – the crocodile. It’s coming, its eyes – Captain.
HOOK. Hold your positions!
The PIRATES all exit in fear.
PETER resolutely doesn’t look behind him.
PETER. Tick-tock, tick-tock – here comes the croc that ate the clock.
HOOK. Look over your shoulder, Peter.
PETER. Back for the old man’s second hand.
HOOK. It’s behind you. It’s coming for you.
PETER. Cos the first he was fed by Peter Pan!
PETER laughs and soars up into the sky – leaving HOOK and the CROCODILE face to face.
HOOK. Fight me! Fight me!
HOOK and the CROCODILE exit.
WENDY enters from her hiding position, startled by what she’s seen. PETER lands.
WENDY. Peter!
PETER. I wondered where you’d got to.
WENDY. Someone just saved me, I promise – I was standing right there and someone just grabbed me and saved me – dragged me into hiding and then when I turned around they disappeared – and /
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PETER. / It’s okay – you ran away, it happens, babe.
WENDY. No – I’m telling you, Peter – someone was there, they saved me. It must have been Tom.
PETER. They saved you and then they put you back?
WENDY. Yes!
PETER. Okay.
WENDY. Don’t say ‘okay’ like that. I’m telling the truth. He’s out there. I know he is.
PETER starts laughing and playing monkey. WENDY doesn’t want to join in at first.
No, Peter, I have to go and look. Tom might be with the pirates.
PETER grins at WENDY, starts oo-oo-ing and picking through her hair. WENDY can’t resist and starts playing monkey as well, leaping about with him.
PETER. Come on – it’s playtime!
PETER winks and disappears into the Home Under the Ground.
WENDY. No, Peter, listen to me – we have to go and find Tom – there’s no time for –
WENDY, slightly furious, stamps on the ground and the trap opens and she zooms down into the Home Under the Ground.
– gaaaaaaames!
Scene Four
WENDY arrives at the Home Under the Ground. It is the world underneath your bed – at first dark and mysterious but soon a treasure trove of adventure, alive with magical, joyful activity. PETER plays his harmonica, making the flames from the fire dance up along the walls. TINK sits up in her alcove, overseeing the action.
WENDY. Wow.
PETER runs past WENDY and tags her ‘it’.
No – listen, Peter. It’s important – we need to make a plan – to find Tom, are you listening?
PETER. Even if it was plan-time and not playtime then I’d be making the plans because I’m Captain. That’s how it works.
WENDY. Well maybe, just this once – I could be Captain as it’s my brother that we need to go and find.
PETER. It’s playtime.
WENDY. But, Peter, I feel /
TINK. / Cor blimey – you and your feelings. There’s a lot of them, aren’t there?
WENDY. There is nothing wrong with expressing how you /
TINK (falling back on her bed). / Oh – I’m sorry – I just passed out from a terrible case of ‘put a sock in it’.
CURLY. Mother – what does it mean when my tummy is rumbling and it hurts a bit?
WENDY. It means I should make breakfast – but just one moment, Curly. Peter – are you listening to me?
PETER. You don’t really plan adventures.
TOOTLES. Mother?
WENDY. Peter?
TOOTLES. Mother?
WENDY. Yes, Tootles?
TOOTLES. I was just sitting thinking and I wondered if you knew what the difference between right and wrong is?
WENDY. Um – I /
TOOTLES. / I mean, why are we actually sort of here at all? Like existing even? Like to be or /
WENDY. / Just – hold that thought – don’t hold it too tight – just one second. Peter, will you listen to me?
CURLY. My tummy really hurts now, Mother.
WENDY. Oh – yes – I know – I’m sorry – just – I’ll be one moment /
TINK. / I thought making sure her kids was fed was top of the list for a good mother?
WENDY. And you’re an expert, are you?
TINK. I’m sorry I didn’t quite hear that, do come closer.
WENDY. What I said was /
WENDY approaches and falls in a fishing hole.
TINK. Oop, careful – fishing hole!
WENDY (huffs off). It’s too dark in here, I can’t see a thing!
TINK. Oh – do you need a light, love? I can help you out there.
TINK puts her fingers in her mouth and does a huge whistle – great clouds of fireflies come charging into the Home Under the Ground and swarm around WENDY. TINK laughs.
MICHAEL. Fireflies! They’re even better than I imagined! (Catches one of them in a test tube and peers at it.) I think it’s a phausis reticulata – they call it the blue ghost because of its light.
WENDY. Let me look.
WENDY, entranced, takes the container from MICHAEL, but in doing so lets the lid off.
MICHAEL. No! You let it escape! Wendy?
WENDY. Butterfingers, sorry – I slipped – it just came out of my hands.
TINK. Cor, wreck and ruin – I reckon Mum’s been on the gin again.
MICHAEL. What if I never see another one ever again?
WENDY. Peter!
PETER. It’s playtime!
PETER squeezes WENDY’s nose and makes a squidgy clown-nose noise.
WENDY. I want to go and find my brother – I don’t have time for games!
PETER. You need to unwind.
PETER spins WENDY round and round.
WENDY. You do know that not having a plan is actually just following your plan not to have a plan and it’s mean because by making your plan no plan it makes anyone that wants to do anything different seem all cross and grumpy and boring and –
PETER lets go of WENDY and darts off. WENDY is dizzy and can barely stand.
TOOTLES. Mother – could you help me read this book?
WENDY takes up the book from TOOTLES and studies it.
WENDY. These are maps, Tootles! These are maps of Neverland!
CURLY. Mother – I’ve made a start on breakfast /
WENDY. / One minute I –
WENDY, dizzy and stumbling, steps into CURLY’s custard pans.
Curly – custard?! I need a – pen and paper – who has a pen and paper?
CURLY. I’m just expressing myself creatively through the medium of food.
WENDY. But who’s going to clear it up? The fairies?
TINK. Fat chance.
WENDY. I don’t have time I’m /
CURLY. / It’s worms and custard so far but I’ve got ambitions for real sophistication.
WENDY looks at it and gags.
JOHN. Wendy? Any news on that breakfast? Getting frightfully peckish over here.
WENDY. I just need to get this done, just one second /
JOHN. / I feel terribly weak from lack of food.
WENDY. Okay – okay – how about we make some bacon, quickly – Curly – just as well, just – in case? Does anyone have a pen or paper?
CURLY. Bacon! Oh yes! Oh yes! Lovely! Oh, Mother, you are the best! I am so glad of you!
CURLY picks WENDY up and spins her round. WENDY at last feels like she’s getting somewhere.
WENDY. Perhaps – for fun, so as not to be boring – we could even make a game of bacon?
CURLY. No! Bacon is serious! Very seriously yummy and I don’t think anyone should make a game of it – not even mothers!
CURLY storms off, dropping the custard all over the floor for WENDY to pick up.
WENDY. Curly!
TOOTLES. Mother?
TOOTLES gives WENDY a pen.
WENDY. Thank you, Tootles. Thank you for helping me. It would be lovely if anyone else, at any point would also like to help Mother.
PETER. Slightly says that when a mother wants a father to do something that he doesn’t want to do – she cooks a pie.
WENDY. No, Peter – that’s not quite right.
WENDY sets to work on her plan on the floor, scouring the maps and marking them up.
PETER. Are you saying that Slightly, your own son, is a liar?
SLIGHTLY. I’m not a liar, Mother! Are you saying I’m a liar? I’m not a liar – Mother?
WENDY. No, Slightly – you’re not a liar but I do need to borrow your handkerchief.
WENDY strides over and takes the handkerchief that is in SLIGHTLY’s top pocket.
SLIGHTLY. But that’s part of my ensemble!
WENDY. Oh God, what is that, Slightly?
SLIGHTLY. I’m playing Pooh-sticks – like gentlemen do when they’re in the forest.
WENDY. Slightly – that is not what Pooh-sticks is. Gentlemen do not play that kind of Pooh-sticks.
SLIGHTLY is suddenly disgusted and backs off his game. WENDY goes back to her ma
p.
NIBS. Where’s my tie?
WENDY. Just one minute.
TOOTLES. Where’s my bow?
WENDY. I’m a tiny bit busy.
JOHN. Where’s that bacon, Wendy?
WENDY. Wait a second.
CURLY. Mother? Mother?
WENDY. Just give me just two seconds.
MICHAEL. Wendy, have you taken my thermometer?
WENDY. No.
SLIGHTLY. Mother, is there any soap?
WENDY. No.
NIBS. Where are my bubble-ball boots?
WENDY. I IMAGINE THEY ARE WHERE YOU LEFT THEM!
CURLY. Mother? You look a bit angry – does cooking breakfast with me and being in the home with your children make you angry?
WENDY. No – no, I’m not angry – if you’d all just listen to me –
WENDY holds up a map that she’s drawn large on SLIGHTLY’s handkerchief. It’s not great.
We will start here at the south-east end of the island and we will move in a horizontal formation toward the /
PETER. / Wendy?
WENDY. I’ll take questions at the end, Peter.
PETER. Now’s not the time for maps.
WENDY. I said I’ll take questions AT THE END.
PETER. Bubble ball!!
The BOYS all roar with delight and start running around.
WENDY. No – no – stop – wait, no!
WENDY, tired, gives up, and goes to sit in one corner whilst the BOYS play. The BOYS all cheer, and the pitch is set up. The game starts getting played around her. JOHN is doing really well, his feet start to lift off the floor.
JOHN. Ah-ha! Look! Look!
WENDY. John?
NIBS. He’s flying.
CURLY. John has found his happy thought!
WENDY. His happy thought? But… he – he can’t – he can’t just forget about /
PETER. / Wendy – be quiet and just watch!
WENDY. No, but he can’t – John, what colour are Mother’s eyes?
JOHN. Blue.
PETER. Wendy – stop it.
WENDY. No, they’re brown.
PETER. Don’t!
WENDY. What does Father do for a living?
CURLY. Go, John, go!
PETER. Go, John!
WENDY. Michael?
MICHAEL. Father’s a pirate. Look, look – he’s flying!
WENDY. No, he’s a lawyer! How many Darling children are there, John? John?
