by Tara Sivec
Mackenzie’s words from the night we had dinner at Rhythms on St. Croix come crashing back into my head. She told me…I just didn’t listen. I never imagined she had something so huge resting on her shoulders. Something that would make her hesitant to make promises to me or scared to take hold of something she wanted when her father’s life was falling apart. Of course she lied and told me her life was perfect. Why in the hell would she be honest with me when I didn’t take her problems seriously?
“There are things going on in my life back home. Things I can’t—”
I hear her voice in my head the night in the wheelhouse. The night I told her she made me want to change all of my plans. I could see the fear and uneasiness in her eyes, and I thought it was because she just wasn’t sure about me. Wasn’t sure about us. She was trying to tell me and I cut her off. Then I stopped her from talking to me AGAIN a few days later and took her on a tour of the ship instead. I didn’t listen, and I didn’t give her a chance to explain because I was too afraid she’d list all the reasons why this couldn’t work between us. I was selfish, and I let Allyson bring forward all of those insecurities until I pushed her away.
She needed me and I fucking pushed her away.
“Marcel, Mackenzie said something to me in French the other night. Demande-moi de rester. Je ne veux jamais te quitter. S’il te plait, demande-moi de rester,” I tell him, repeating her words that have been playing on a loop in my head ever since she said them. “What did she say?”
Her voice was so quiet and sad, but I just assumed she said something to turn me on, because she knew what the sound of her speaking in French did to me. But I couldn’t stop thinking about the way she said those words. It was different. It meant something more; I can feel it in my gut.
“You dumb shit,” Marcel curses, shaking his head and glaring at me.
My hands start to shake, and I know. I know what he’s going to say next will break me in half, but I need to hear it. I need to know what she whispered. What she wanted me to hear, but at the same time, didn’t want to say.
“What did she say, dammit?!” I shout, slamming my fist on the table, making Zoe jump next to me at my outburst.
Marcel rolls his eyes at me, but gives me what I want.
“She said, ‘Ask me to stay. I never want to leave you. Please, ask me to stay.’ You dumb shit.”
Everything in the room fades away until all I can hear is the rushing of blood and the pounding of my own heart in my ears. Ben is muttering under his breath, Zoe is calling me an idiot, and Marcel is back to cursing at me in French, but I don’t hear any of it. All I can hear is Mackenzie’s voice, begging me to ask her to stay.
“Goddammit. GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!” I shout, crumbling up the printed article and throwing it across the room, sliding down the bench seat to get the hell out from behind this table.
“Move. FUCKING MOVE!” I yell at Ben when he doesn’t get out of my way fast enough.
He scrambles out from behind the table and backs up against the wall, holding his hands in the air to give me room. I take off running down the hall, ignoring Jessica, Ashley, and Eddie when they open their bunk doors and ask what’s going on as I race past.
Ben, Zoe, and Marcel all follow after me as I fly up the stairs, through the guest quarters and out onto the deck, running as fast as I can to the bridge still hooked up to the dock.
“Declan, where the hell are you going?” Ben shouts after me as my feet pound across the wooden planks.
“I’m going to find Mackenzie!” I yell back to him, jumping onto the dock. “I’m going to apologize, and then I’m going to fucking beg her to stay.”
I hear everyone let out a cheer back on the deck of the boat, but I ignore it and keep on running. I never should have let her go, and there’s no way in hell I’m letting her leave this island without telling her.
CHAPTER 26
Mackenzie
“Is everything okay, Mackenzie?”
My head comes up from staring at my plate where I’d been pushing my food around to give my dad a smile.
“It’s fine. I’m fine,” I reassure him, even though nothing is fine and I don’t know if it ever will be again.
He knows I’m lying, but he doesn’t argue with me, thank God. I’ve cried enough tears in the last two days that if he says anything about the man who made me shed them, I won’t be able to stop myself from breaking down again. The only bright spot in getting off the ship was not having Allyson and Arianna there with us. They left before the rest of us woke up, and by the time my father, Brooke, and I made it back to the hotel where we were staying until our flight home tomorrow morning, the local authorities already had them in handcuffs and were escorting them out of the hotel and into awaiting police cars.
The only time I smiled in the last two days was when Allyson saw us standing there watching them being taken away, and she turned on the waterworks, crying and apologizing and begging for us to help her. Hearing my father tell her to “Fuck off and go to hell” was one of the best moments of my life, and I couldn’t have been more proud of him.
But once that excitement wore off, once they were driven away and out of our lives, reality sunk in. The reality that my father might have gotten rid of one problem, but he still had a thousand more to deal with once we got back to New York. And the reality that even though we’d mended our relationship and were closer than ever, I felt more alone than I’d ever been.
I hated that I wanted nothing more than to pick up the phone and call Declan back on the ship and tell him what happened. I cried myself to sleep the last two nights feeling so cold and lonely in my bed, wishing he was there with me, holding me in his arms and telling me everything would be okay.
Nothing would ever be okay again. Even if my father managed to get himself out of all the trouble that awaited him in New York, I knew I’d never be okay again. I left my heart back on the Helios, and it was impossible to get it back. Part of me couldn’t wait to get on the plane tomorrow so I could put as much distance between myself and what happened on that ship, but I knew, no matter how far away I went, I’d never be able to forget. I’d never be able to close my eyes and not hear his voice, not feel his hands on me, not see the happiness on his face when he talked about becoming a captain, and never stop wondering what would have happened if he’d just asked me to stay.
I just wanted him to ask me to stay.
I had been right all along. I wasn’t the type of woman who could have a vacation fling and walk away unscathed. I fell in love with the strong, gorgeous, stubborn man who behaved like an asshole more times than I can count. I fell in love with his passion for his job, and I fell in love with his confidence, and I even fell in love with how quickly he could realize he did something wrong and apologize. I fell in love with the fantasy of spending the rest of my days traveling the world with him and the excitement of falling in love with all of the things I hadn’t learned about him yet.
I fell in love with a man I met on vacation, and he just let me walk away.
“Why don’t you head back to your room at the hotel and rest? Our flight leaves pretty early in the morning, and you look exhausted,” my father tells me softly.
“It’s still early. I don’t want to leave you alone.”
Ben had shown up right before we went to dinner to whisk Brooke away for some alone time before they had to say good-bye. He seemed really excited when I told him my father and I were going out to dinner on the other side of the island away from the hotel and would be gone for a few hours. I’m sure it’s because their alone time would be spent in the hotel room I shared with Brooke, and I tried not to be jealous each time he gave me a wink and asked me just how long I planned on being away from my room.
At least he wasn’t looking at me with pity, with my puffy, red-rimmed eyes from crying and my hair in a messy bun on top of my head because I didn’t give a shit about how I looked. Although, that almost made me even sadder. If he wasn’t looking at me with sympathy and un
derstanding, that means Declan never said anything to him about me. That means Declan didn’t even care about me getting off the ship and walking away. He let me go and he just went about his business as if nothing ever happened. As if he hadn’t stood in that wheelhouse and told me I made him want to change all his plans.
Fuck!
I can feel the sting of tears welling up in my eyes and I know I need to get out of here before I become a sobbing mess in the middle of the restaurant.
“Mackenzie, I’ll be fine,” my father says, setting his napkin on the table and waving for our waitress to bring the check. “I’m just going to walk along the beach around here for a while and enjoy the rest of this beautiful weather before we head back home. Go. Get back to the hotel and relax. I’ll be fine.”
With an apology and a kiss on his cheek, I move quickly through the tables of the small seafood restaurant and rush outside to get a taxi to take me back to the hotel.
I was too distracted and lost in my own thoughts to notice the twinkle in my father’s eye when I made my escape, or how the excited look on his face matched that of Ben’s before he disappeared with Brooke earlier, and how he wouldn’t stop asking when I was going back to the hotel.
I should have noticed. I should have been paying attention.
When I let myself into mine and Brooke’s hotel room, I poke my head around the door slowly, happy to find it empty and not filled with the sounds of Brooke and Ben saying their goodbye’s. I don’t bother turning on any lights as I move into the room and let the door close behind me with a quiet click. I left the double balcony doors wide open before we left for dinner and the setting sun during my taxi ride back was replaced with a full moon sitting high in the sky above the water, shining through the doors and giving me enough light to see by as I make my way over to the balcony.
Stepping outside onto the ledge ten stories up from the ground, I rest my hands on the railing, take a deep breath of the salty ocean air, and let the tears fall that I’d been holding back since I left the restaurant. My head drops between my shoulders and I let myself cry one last time, getting it all out of my system before I leave here tomorrow and have to find a way to be strong and try to forget.
“Mackenzie.”
A strangled cry flies out of me as I whip my head up and whirl around when I hear my name whispered softly from behind me. I don’t know why I’m surprised. I could smell his soap and a soft hint of that cologne he wears as soon as I walked into the room, but I thought it was just my imagination playing tricks on me and torturing me with the memory of him. It’s what made me break down into tears as soon as I got out on the balcony. The same tears that are still making tracks down my cheeks as I see him standing right in front of me in the doorway leading out onto this balcony. I swipe them away angrily, hating that he’s in my room right now, seeing me so pathetic and weak, crying over him when he doesn’t deserve my tears.
“Mackenzie,” he whispers, saying my name again.
I ignore the flutters in my stomach that just the sound of his voice produces. I ignore the way my heart beats faster by having him so close to me I can reach out and touch him. And I ignore the way he’s looking at me with a mixture of apprehension and nerves and sorrow.
His eyes are bloodshot and tired-looking, and his usually clean-shaven face is covered with dark stubble, which makes him look better than ever. I hate that I want to slide my hands down the side of his face and feel the rough scratch of his facial hair against my palms. I hate that I want to run my fingers under his tired eyes and ask him what’s wrong. I hate that I can’t stop myself from caring.
“Wh-what the hell are you doing here? How…how did you get in my room?” I ask angrily, crossing my arms in front of me and hating the way my voice sounds scratchy and hesitant instead of strong and pissed off.
He steps out onto the balcony with me and I drop my arms to my sides, my back smacking into the railing behind me. I’m cursing myself for coming out here and for him being in my space and not giving me anywhere to go to escape him.
“I got here right after you and your dad left for dinner. I know the owner of the hotel and he gave me a key to your room,” Declan tells me quietly.
My eyes narrow when he runs one hand nervously through his hair, and I see the ends that are now sticking up all over the place are still slightly damp.
“Did you seriously take a shower in my room?” I ask angrily.
He shrugs, sliding his hands into the front pockets of his jeans before smiling at me with those fucking dimples in his cheeks.
“I kind of had a rough couple of days. I ran off the ship earlier without thinking. Ben brought me a change of clothes, and I knew you’d be gone for a while,” he explains.
So that explains all the questions from Ben about how long I’d be gone from the room tonight. And my father must have been in on it as well since he was in such a hurry to get me to come back here by myself and leave him to his “walk” along the beach.
Fucking traitors.
“Great. Hope you enjoyed yourself. You can leave now,” I tell him, pushing off the railing to walk around him.
His hands quickly come out of his pockets and he wraps them around my upper arms to stop me. I immediately shrug them off, jerking my body back and away from him. He doesn’t get the hint and he doesn’t get out of my way. He stalks towards me until I have no other choice but to move, walking backwards until I’m bumping into the railing again.
His hands grab onto the railing on either side of me, caging me in, and his body is so close to me I can feel the heat from it as his chest brushes against mine.
“I’m sorr—”
“You’re sorry, you were wrong, and I was right?” I cut him off with a humorless laugh. “Save it. You don’t owe me an apology. You don’t owe me anything. It was just a fun vacation fling, remember? It’s done. My vacation is over, and now we can both get back to our lives.”
I watch with sick fascination as his Adam’s apple bobs while he takes a nervous swallow. I hold my breath, wanting him to say the words I’ve been dreaming about even though I want to smack my hand across his face for how much he hurt me by letting me walk away.
“I never should have said what I did. About your life and not needing to work. I never should have let you go. You have no idea how awful I feel now that…”
He trails off and it suddenly hits me. Why he’s here and why he felt the need to come and find me and apologize. He knows. I can’t even bring myself to be happy that he admitted he never should have let me go. He’s only sorry and he only wants me now because now he knows we’re more alike than he ever thought.
“Oh, my God. You son of a bitch,” I whisper, my eyes filling with tears as I stare up at him, cursing myself for thinking for even one second that he changed his mind without knowing all of the details of my life. That he realized he made a mistake before he knew just how shitty my life really is.
I shove my hands against his chest, but he doesn’t move. I do it again, smacking them as hard as I can against him, wanting to get away from him before I make an even bigger fool of myself.
“Get away from me!” I sob, pushing and shoving the solid brick wall in front of me that is Declan, who refuses to budge.
His hands remain locked tightly around the railing on either side of me and he doesn’t say a word as I smack my hands against his chest, letting all the anger and frustration and pain come screaming out of me.
“So, you heard the news. You found out my life isn’t as picture perfect as you made it out to be in your head and suddenly decided I was worth the trouble? You suddenly realized now that I’m not a spoiled, rich princess you could have me? FUCK YOU!” I shout, the tears falling harder and faster down my face.
Declan quickly lets go of the railing and grabs my wrists, holding them between us and stopping me from continuing to beat the hell out of him with my hands and my words when he finally speaks.
“No! That’s not it at all,” he argues, holding my
wrists tighter and pulling me against him with a rough yank. “Yes, I saw the news this morning, but that’s not why I’m here. That’s not what made me try and drink myself to death ever since I let you walk away from me, and that’s not what made me hate myself and replay all of the things I should have said to you every second of the last forty-eight hours!”
I close my eyes tightly, not wanting to look at him, not wanting to let myself feel anything for him. I try to pull my hands out of his grip, wanting to cover my ears so I don’t have to hear the raw pain and misery in his voice when he speaks, but he won’t let me go.
“I knew I was going to come and find you and beg you to forgive me as soon as I woke up this morning,” he continues, moving closer, pressing my hands against his chest and holding them there.
I feel the rapid beat of his heart under my palms and I try to pull them away, but he still won’t let me.
“I knew you weren’t a rich, spoiled princess the first time you opened your mouth. I knew you were worth it the first time I touched you. I made a mistake, and you’ll never know how fucking sorry I am I let you walk away from me,” he says, his voice cracking with emotion.
I can’t help it, I let my eyes slowly open and I look up at him, my heart shattering when I see the pain on his face as looks down at me, his eyes pleading with me to understand.
“I let your fucking bitch of a stepmother fill my head with shit that ate away at my insecurities and made me second-guess everything I felt for you. You were always worth it, Mackenzie, but she made me think I wasn’t worthy of you,” he tells me softly, taking a deep breath. “It didn’t matter if you were the richest woman in the world or didn’t have a penny to your name. All I could think about was what kind of life I could give you. You’re smart, beautiful, and the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. You deserve everything, and all I can give you is a life never staying in one place, on a boat in the middle of the ocean. It scared the hell out of me that it wouldn’t be enough for you. That I wouldn’t be enough for you.”
