by McKay, Ari
Instead of giving Drew a glare or an icy reply, Joe’s head rocked back as if Drew had slapped him. His face turned white, and he abruptly spun away, walking quickly toward the bathroom as though he couldn’t tolerate being in Drew’s presence for another moment—or maybe because he was trying to hide something he didn’t want Drew to see.
Drew watched him go, deciding not to say anything for now. He got the sense that he’d stepped on something painful, and he intended to apologize, but Joe might be more receptive after a little time and space. Instead, he picked up a book from the stack on the nightstand. They had a long trip ahead of them, so he’d bought several books to keep him occupied on the flights.
After a couple of minutes of silence, Drew heard water running in the shower. It ended a short time later. After another short pause, Joe walked out of the bathroom completely naked.
Drew knew Joe was a big man, but naked he somehow looked even larger. His shoulders were broad, his waist narrow, emphasizing his washboard abs and the defined bands of muscle on his arms and legs. He had a full sleeve of tattoos on his right arm, a design made up of stylized flames and flowers, which terminated in a mandala-like sun on his wrist. Down the left side were a series of Oriental characters, which, knowing Joe, probably had some deep, hidden meaning.
Seeming as unconcerned about his nudity as Drew had been, Joe crossed to where he’d left his small travel case on a chair. He took out a pair of black briefs and donned them, not rushing but apparently not trying to put on a show, either.
Drew let out a low wolf whistle, hoping to ease some of the earlier tension with a little levity. “Nice ink. Nice lots of things, actually.”
“Thanks.” Joe continued to dress, pulling out a black tank top and a pair of black sleep shorts. “Your ink is nice, too.”
“Thanks.” Drew watched Joe get dressed, enjoying the play of hard muscle beneath skin. “If you ever want a closer look, just let me know.”
“You’ll need to keep them covered in Pakistan,” Joe replied. “Tattooing is a sin. To some, a major one. I have a waterproof pigment I use to cover mine.”
“I should be okay as long as I wear long sleeves and pants in public, right?” Drew closed his book and put it aside. “Or do I need to get something to cover up mine as well?”
Joe glanced in Drew’s direction. “You should be fine, just don’t roll up your sleeves if you get hot. For all the time you were in the Middle East, did you go out away from camp much?”
“Nah, too dangerous,” Drew said. “We didn’t stray far from camp in small groups, much less alone.”
“Mmm.” For a moment Joe looked thoughtful. “I’m going to be honest. I’m not sure what in the hell to do with you when we get to Islamabad. I can pass as a native, since I speak the language fluently. I was going to try to get back in along the same channels I used in my previous mission, but you won’t be able to go with me. They don’t trust foreigners.”
“We’ve got a long flight to figure it out.” Drew sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed, facing Joe directly. “Meanwhile, don’t think I haven’t noticed you deflecting any personal stuff like you’re Neo in The Matrix.”
Joe sat down on his bed. “Yeah, so? Don’t I have a right to privacy?”
“Sure, you do,” Drew said, spreading his hands. “But you’re saying you don’t know me while avoiding getting to know me, or letting me get to know you. I’m aware you’d be thrilled if a sinkhole opened up right here and took me under, but until something happens, you and I are connected through Finn. I don’t see any need to be at odds, if only to keep from stressing him out.”
Joe scowled. “Look, you keep making me out to be the villain here, you know that? I told you, I accept you for Finn’s sake. I even trust that you aren’t going to knife me in the back to get rid of me. So stop saying I want something bad to happen to you, like I’m some evil piece of shit. Sounds like you don’t trust me, after you making such a big deal about me being able to trust you!”
“I don’t think you’re evil or a villain,” Drew said. “I think you’ve got a lot of thick walls up, and that’s not healthy.” He paused and studied Joe, wondering how much he could nudge. “I’m sorry about what I said earlier, by the way. It looked like I hit a nerve, and I didn’t mean to.”
“So being a private person isn’t healthy? Not wanting to divulge my life story to someone just because they want it is bad?” Joe shook his head, obviously agitated. “Why would I tell you a damned thing when every other word out of your mouth is you ‘knowing’ that I want you dead? Why would I give you that power over me?”
“I don’t think you want me dead.” Drew leaned back on his hands and watched Joe intently. “I think you wish Finn and I had never met. That Finn didn’t love me and I didn’t love him. That I’d break up with him, or he’d break up with me. I think you want things to be like they used to be because it was easier dealing with Finn having occasional hookups than it is to deal with sharing. But I don’t think you wish me any real harm.”
“I don’t waste time wishing for something that won’t happen,” Joe stated flatly. “I learned a long time ago that action is the only thing that causes change. Finn’s happiness matters more to me than my own, and it’s not like he would have suddenly discovered monogamy was his thing, whether you had showed up or not. So don’t think I’m spending any time worrying about it, because I’ve accepted that you’re here to stay. I’ve accepted that I have less time with Finn because of it. I’ve accepted that you somehow make him happy, and that apparently you give him something I don’t. Sounds like you’re the one obsessing, Martin, not me.”
Drew mulled over Joe’s response, not entirely sure he believed every word of it. Joe was talking a good game, and maybe he thought he’d accepted the situation, but acceptance on an emotional level could be a whole different thing. Or maybe Joe meant every word and something else was eating at him. Finn suspected as much, and Drew was starting to as well.
“Great!” he said, and he beamed at Joe, deciding to take a different tactic. “If that’s the case, maybe we can get to know each other better. I mean, if you and I get along well, maybe end up friends, we could spend time with Finn together. Hell, I wouldn’t mind if we became more than friends, and I’m pretty sure Finn wouldn’t have any objections, either.”
Joe’s mouth dropped open, and there was obvious shock written on his face. After a moment he shook his head. “Quit being an asshole, Martin. You don’t want me, and I don’t want you. You think that just because you’re fucking Finn, it means I’m going to drop into bed with you? Just because I’ve accepted the situation, it doesn’t mean I suddenly want us to hook up. In this case, I don’t give a fuck what Finn wants. Who I sleep with is my choice.”
“Absolutely,” Drew agreed with a firm nod. “Neither Finn nor I would ever want you to feel coerced but don’t make assumptions about what I do or don’t want. You’re smart and hot, and we’ve probably got enough in common to get along. I’d fuck you with or without Finn in the same bed. He’d probably at least want to watch, though.”
“God.” Joe ran a hand through his hair again, mussing the short strands. “That’s… wrong. On so many levels. For you to actually say that you believe I wish you’d disappear in one breath and then say you want to sleep with me in the next? Even taking Finn out of the picture, sex isn’t casual to me, not the way it is to you and Finn. And before you get on your high horse again, that’s not a judgement. You said you wanted to know me? Fine. Know this. I have to have an emotional connection to someone before I’d ever consider going to bed with them, and polite antagonism isn’t the right connection. And for the record? I haven’t slept with anyone but Finn since we got together eight years ago.”
“I admire your loyalty,” Drew said. “And I don’t just mean sexually. It seems to be one of your core values.”
“Yeah, well, it’s just who I am.” Joe shrugged. “And Finn is all I’ve wanted or needed. We’ve been through a lo
t of shit together. Maybe I don’t love easily, but I damn sure love forever.”
A little pang shot through Drew, and for a moment, he envied Finn. He’d never had anyone love him so deeply and fiercely as Joe loved Finn. “He’s a lucky man,” he said softly.
Joe’s brows shot up. “I think I’m the lucky one that Finn loves me. He’s the only one who ever made me believe I was worth loving.”
Drew tried not to let the surprise he felt at Joe’s admission show on his face, but he wasn’t sure how well he masked it. He’d never guessed Joe harbored a deep-seated insecurity, given how confident he seemed. Maybe that had something to do with Joe’s reaction earlier when Drew called him a brat.
“Then you must have known a lot of dumbasses,” he said, gazing at Joe steadily. “You’re definitely worth loving.”
“You don’t know that.” Joe turned his face away. “You don’t know me. You don’t have any reason to even like me. You seem to think I’m immature and selfish and closed off.”
“I also think you’re loyal, brave, and a good leader who knows how to focus and get shit done,” Drew said. “You’re a good man, and anyone who doesn’t think you’re worth loving is a dumbass.”
Rather than appearing flattered, Joe’s expression seemed troubled. “How can you think I’m a good man when you think I’m selfish and immature? I’m starting to wonder what your game is here.”
“I said I think you wish things would go back to the way they used to be,” Drew said, still watching Joe closely. Joe seemed to be stuck in an either-or mindset, which could be due to jealousy, or a sign of whatever deeper issue Joe was wrestling with. “I didn’t say that’s selfish. It’s understandable, given the upheaval your relationship with Finn has gone through lately. Being upset over a huge, unexpected change doesn’t make you a bad person.”
“No, you think it makes me a dumbass.” Joe sighed, closing his eyes and laying back against the pillows. “You insult me one minute, flatter me the next, say you would sleep with me when you don’t even seem to like me. I don’t know you, and I sure as hell don’t understand you, Martin. Just talking to you makes me dizzy.”
“Well, maybe it wouldn’t if you’d stop looking at everything as a binary issue,” Drew pointed out. “Just because I recognize your flaws doesn’t mean I can’t recognize your virtues as well. Besides, you keep putting words in my mouth. I didn’t call you selfish, and I didn’t say being upset makes you a dumbass. I did call you a brat, which was out of line, and I meant my apology.”
“Sure. Whatever.” Joe kept his eyes closed. “I only have your words to go by, so yeah, everything seems pretty binary to me. You keep pushing me to give you more than I’m comfortable with and then tell me it’s my fault for having walls. You don’t know my life, don’t know what I’ve been through, and I really doubt that you care. Maybe this is your way of trying to get me to accept you and Finn, but I told you, I’ve accepted it. I can’t change it, and if you make Finn happy, fine. But if you ever hurt him, Martin, you won’t think I’m a good man anymore. You’ll think I’m your worst fucking nightmare.”
“Noted.” Drew stretched out on the bed again and reached for his book. He’d gotten about as far as he was going to with Joe for now, and pushing harder would only make Joe barricade the walls even more than they already were.
Baby steps, he reminded himself. He could get through to Joe eventually. He just hoped he succeeded before whatever was eating at Joe caused him to blow up or burn out.
20
After the long flight to Pakistan, their arrival, in Joe’s opinion, was almost anticlimactic.
Stepping from the cool of the plane into the sweltering heat of Islamabad almost stole Joe’s breath, but he’d experienced it before. He followed along behind Drew, keeping a certain amount of distance and not speaking. It was part of the roles they’d come up with on the flight from Dulles to Dubai. Drew was pretending to be an American businessman looking for new markets for his software company, while Joe was his Urdu-speaking assistant. The thirteen hour layover they’d had in Dubai enabled them to purchase clothing and luggage suitable to their cover story, and to even have a small stack of business cards printed up at a shipping center in the airport. Drew had to use his real name, since he didn’t have the fake IDs that Joe had kept from his previous mission, but the cover should be sound enough to stand up to casual scrutiny for a couple of weeks. Herc had even arranged for a voice-mail drop that was listed on the business card, and Pixel had hacked together a “Martin Associates” website, just in case.
It was probably overkill, but Joe knew from previous undercover missions that not having your cover story backstopped was asking for trouble. Drew had been right that having Herc’s help in setting up the logistics made things much easier. Not that Joe would have needed anything like this if he’d been alone. Even if he didn’t really want Drew there, he knew it was better to include him rather than have Drew blundering along in his wake, possibly blowing Joe’s cover and getting them both killed. Or worse.
Part of Herc’s assistance was arranging for a driver and a hotel, for which Joe was actually grateful. He hadn’t slept much in the past seventy-two hours since Finn’s abduction, and he knew that finding their quarry was going to require them both to be at the top of their games. Now that they’d made it to their destination, it was time to slow down, look, and listen, and not make any mistakes that might end up blowing the mission.
They were booked into a two-bedroom suite at the Islamabad Marriott, which despite being a chain was actually a quite luxurious hotel. After claiming their baggage and locating their driver, they went to the hotel, and once Joe had tipped the bellman and the door was shut, he almost sagged in relief.
“We made it,” he sighed and then moved toward the minibar. “And I definitely need a drink.”
“Have a seat.” Drew waved him toward the plush sofa and headed to the bar as well. “I’ll pour one for us both.”
Joe hesitated, his knee-jerk reaction being to say that he could take care of himself, but he stopped the impulse and simply nodded, moving to the sofa and sinking down onto it. “Bourbon, if they have it, please. Neat.”
“You got it.”
Drew poured two drinks with a generous hand and then carried them back to Joe. He handed over one glass before dropping onto the sofa as well, and he let out a soft sigh. “Feels good to be out of an airplane seat.”
“Yeah.” Joe accepted the glass and then drank deeply, feeling the burn of the alcohol as it went down, warming him in a way that the heat outside hadn’t. “It’s a long damned flight.”
He still wasn’t sure how he felt about Drew, or how to treat him. Drew confused him, and he couldn’t get a good feel for the kind of person Drew truly was. Logically, he knew Drew had to be okay, not only because Herc had hired him, but because Finn loved him. It was, however, hard to get past his initial feelings of Drew being an interloper who was taking something precious from him. There was also the matter of him not really knowing Drew, and the reserved, suspicious part of Joe’s own nature that viewed Drew as a threat. It didn’t help at all that Drew had triggered some bad memories, however unintentionally. Maybe things would have been different if Joe had met Drew before Finn had, if he could have had the opportunity to get to know him without the associated bad feelings before Finn had fallen in love with him, but no amount of wishing would change the situation. Joe was just left feeling like he was walking down a slippery slope without any support.
“It damned sure is, and I’m creeping into getting too old for this shit territory,” Drew said, leaning his head on the back of the sofa.
It was on the tip of Joe’s tongue to snap back that no one had asked Drew to come along, but it suddenly didn’t seem worth the effort. Maybe it was exhaustion catching up with him, but Joe was suddenly tired of the verbal sparring.
“Happens to everyone eventually,” he replied with a shrug. He thought about Mark Hansen, a merc known as Stack, who had worked for Dre
w at Lawson & Greer, and whom Finn and Joe had known fairly well. Stack had been the partner of Hunter Callahan, who now worked for Hercules Security. Stack had died in the field while saving Hunter’s life when the removal of an explosives-filled vest from a kid wired as a suicide bomber went wrong. “Or it does if we live that long.”
“Ain’t that the truth,” Drew said softly, his expression turning pensive as he lifted his head and stared into his glass.
This was the first time Drew had displayed any uncertainty that Joe had seen. “Feeling your mortality, I take it? Working for Herc might not involve IEDs and suicide bombers like we had at L&G, but there’s still danger, or at least there is for anyone in the field and not just managing or teaching.”
“Oh, I’ve been feeling my mortality for about eighteen months,” Drew said, one corner of his mouth quirking up in a wry smile.
Apparently Drew was thinking along the same directions Joe had been, which wasn’t surprising. “I get it. It hit all of us who knew Mark. Hunter was a walking disaster until Payne took him in hand.”
“Oh, man. Hunter….” Drew put his glass aside and scrubbed his face with both hands, suddenly looking weary. “Me and Blaze cleared the camp, but I went back. What if that poor kid wasn’t the only surprise those assholes had planned for us, you know? I kept my distance, but I had a clear view. I saw it happen. And Hunter…. It took me a long time to stop hearing those screams.”
Joe couldn’t help the sympathy he felt for Drew, not after hearing the stories from Hunter himself about what had happened. Drew had, after all, been the XO for Bravo Company, which meant he had been, at least in part, responsible for Mark and for what had happened. Not that he was to blame, since he hadn’t strapped bricks of C-4 to a little kid and sent him in to blow up the camp, but officers were always responsible for the men under their command. It was hard enough for Finn, Joe, and D-Day, who had worked with Mark and Hunter before, to deal with. It had to have been worse for Drew, who had known Stack better, having one of the men under his charge blown to bits in the line of duty.
