by Olivia Janae
Kate could feel she wasn’t having fun; of course she wasn’t. This wasn’t her scene. Vivian stuck out like a sore thumb, the only one not swaying to the music, the only one looking like she was waiting to have her teeth drilled. John tried to catch Vivian’s eye a few times, working to drag her into the conversation. He tapped the table and waved in her direction with no luck.
“What’s with her?” he finally asked Kate.
Kate shrugged, studying Vivian, who was watching the dancers, unaware they were discussing her. “She’s bored. Normally she can enjoy music, she actually has a big passion for dancing, but that’s because usually she can feel the beat. Here.” She placed John’s palms flat on the table. “Feel how there isn’t just one beat but a beat for every instrument? She can’t follow that, like, at all, so she’s bored.” She gave a snort into her drink at the irony. She had been dumped for similar behavior.
John scratched at his shaggy chin for a moment and then abruptly stood, pulling a startled Vivian from her seat. He didn’t give her time to protest; removing her jacket and purse, he pulled her by the arm onto the dance floor.
It took Vivian a minute to loosen up, her feet fumbling. The song ended, and Vivian still looked confused, as though she couldn’t understand what was happening to her. John laughed, bowing politely to her, but Vivian waved him back, face set, a silent command to try again.
From her seat, Kate watched him take her into his arms and wait while Vivian’s long finger tapped out the beat she thought might be the right one. He shook his head and tapped the main beat into her back. She nodded once, and they were off. This time they flew, spinning and twisting, crossing and twirling, Vivian’s brow tensed as she refused to back down from the challenge. Still angry, still hurt and dejected, Kate had to laugh as she watched Vivian’s worried face slowly relax, then brighten, until a small titter of laughter finally slipped from her lips.
Kate grinned, amused to realize that she was a little jealous. She swallowed down her drink and was up.
“I’m cutting in,” she said, taking Vivian from John. Vivian grinned back as John easily transitioned to dancing with a woman who had been sitting on the sidelines.
“You were bored.”
“What?”
Kate spun her. “You were bored. Before John got you up, you were bored. You weren’t paying attention. We were talking to you, but you had noooooo idea.”
Vivian’s face was blank for a second and then understanding hit her. Her hands closed in a vise on Kate’s, her face angry again. “And therefore you think what happened at the alumni dinner is justified?”
“I think that maybe there’s more at play than you were willing to acknowledge. You’re stubborn, and it’s kind of pissing me off.”
Kate danced them across the room and back before Vivian spoke again, her grip still uncomfortably tight.
“Why do you keep telling people we broke up? Is that what happened and I wasn’t aware of it? Is that how I was supposed to find out that you had moved on?”
Kate stopped moving in the middle of the dance floor. “What? You dumped me.”
“I did no such thing!”
She could hear Charlie in the back of her mind – “I really don’t think she dumped you” – and she wished that the voice would shut up.
“You told me that you didn’t need a lover like me and kicked me the fuck out! What else was that supposed to mean?”
Vivian’s eyebrows pulled together. “Kate, can we go somewhere and talk? As much fun as this battle of wills has become, I would much rather continue it elsewhere.”
Indignation rose hot in her chest, but she agreed. She followed Vivian, giving John a quick goodbye.
Tension rose in her shoulders as they started down the street toward the L and home where she supposed the real fighting would begin.
Normally Kate protested when Vivian tried to come home with her. The train ride was far too long, and the thought of Vivian on the ‘L’ late at night made her uncomfortable.
Tonight she didn’t protest. She had paused outside of the Blue Lantern, unsure of where she was supposed to go. When Vivian’s face had remained stoically blank, Kate had turned and started toward the Red Line.
Kate sat in the uncomfortable plastic seat of the late night ‘L’ and sighed. This was uncomfortable. She glanced at Vivian, saw her pursed lips, and let her head rest on the window, watching the city pass.
Blue. She had said the city was blue, and now, sitting beside Vivian, her arms crossed tightly over her body, her legs squeezed together so that they uncomfortably didn’t touch Vivian’s, that thought came back to her. She saw the brick buildings pass, the bright lights of bars and restaurants, and couldn’t help but think how accurate that lone trumpet had been.
Sitting beside Vivian this silent, this angry was depressing. She turned toward her, opening her mouth to say something. Vivian’s rich eyes flicked to hers, and the intensity of her stare knocked anything that Kate had to say away again.
She couldn’t read what was in Vivian’s eyes, and she hated that. Was she angry? Was she sad?
The streets were quiet as they walked from the train stop; the dirty city snow that was piled a foot high along the sidewalks and in the gutters was enough to turn her ruddy and deplorable neighborhood into a silent and peaceful one. No one wanted to loiter on corners when it was twenty-three degrees out.
“Wait here, please.”
“What?” Vivian blinked a few times, startled when Kate’s hand caught her before she could enter the apartment.
“Just… wait. Please.” She didn’t want to explain that she didn’t want Max to see her. If he was still awake, for whatever reason, then their reunion would only set his progress back.
It turned out Max was asleep, and so Kate, making sure to pay Teresa before Vivian saw her, let her sitter go and opened the door for Vivian.
Vivian walked in with her lips pursed tightly, her steps careful.
For a moment they just looked at one another, Kate with her angry fire still simmering and Vivian with that unreadable look on her face.
Kate watched her remove her jacket, hang it over Kate’s practice chair, and then primly settle on the couch. “Drink?”
Vivian shook her head, so Kate sat on the other end of the couch, eyeing Vivian warily.
“Kate.”
She grimaced when Vivian said her name.
“I did not break up with you.”
Kate’s exasperation rose, making her vault to her feet simply so she had the room to move. “Yes, you did! Why the hell do you keep saying that, Vivian?”
“Because I did not.”
“You told me to leave, and I haven’t heard from you since!”
“No, I asked you to stay here that night. I did not say I would like to end our romantic involvement. I would also like to point out, Kate,” she said in a clipped tone though her tightly pinched lips, “that I have not heard from you either.”
“Wha— You made yourself very clear!” Kate hissed, her arms crossed tightly over her chest.
“If you feel so adamantly that our relationship should end, then perhaps it should.”
Kate’s teeth ground together as she watched Vivian watch her.
Neither seemed to know what to say, and so they sat in silence.
Time clicked by; each passing second of silence felt like a weight on Kate’s chest. It was like trying to ignore a scalding itch; the more you did the worse it got, but still she refused to move.
“Oh, this is ridiculous!”
It had been silent for so long that the sudden burst of Vivian’s voice made Kate yelp.
“I refuse to sit here in silence.”
For a second, grateful relief flooded through her – Vivian was going to start the talk. That feeling vanished when Vivian rose, her movement stiff and tight, yet smooth like silk. She reached over and picked up her jacket.
Kate waved her hand, and Vivian looked. “You’re leaving?”
Vivian’s ey
es scorched. “I refuse to sit here in some sort of childish standoff.”
She hadn’t thought she could get angrier, but the idea that Vivian would take an hour on the ‘L’ and get here only to turn around and leave again infuriated her. She didn’t feel bad when she barked, “Sit down, Vivian,” pointing back at the couch in case there were any misunderstandings or miscommunications.
Vivian’s expression grew stony, one hand still out to grab her coat. “I am not your child, Ms. Flynn. I am not Max.”
“Then stop acting like him!”
Vivian’s eyebrows pulled down, her cheeks twitching with strain. “We cannot have a conversation when you insist on an event taking place that did not.”
“Exactly!” She cried, waving wildly and laughing. “That’s exactly right.”
“Fine.” Vivian snipped.
“Fine!” Kate snapped right back.
Vivian turned toward the door, and Kate jumped to her feet.
“Really? Are you this freaking stubborn?” she cried at her back.
Vivian paused, and Kate gaped, wondering how she knew she had spoken.
She turned, and in one fluid motion she pulled Kate’s face to her by the chin. A small squeak popped from Kate as Vivian’s bottom lip pushed into Kate’s in a searing kiss, her body pressing into Kate’s in a way that demanded she yield, as her tongue assertively stroked. It was the kind of kiss that made your whole body turn to Jell-O. She groaned in her chest as Vivian’s tongue swiped with hers, her fingers burning on Kate’s chin.
Kate made an inelegant grunt when Vivian released her, and before she had fully registered that she was still standing, Vivian was gone.
Kate glared at the closed door, furious and irritated. “Well, that was pointless!”
She woke up the next day in a foul mood. She nearly broke the coffeemaker, smacking the on button so hard that the machine’s whir paused before chugging back to life. She did her usual workout DVD and then, when her mood wasn’t better, she employed Max as a human kettle ball and did another, making him laugh, which helped to soothe some of her agitation.
She had no idea what she was supposed to do now. Was she supposed to just pretend that the night before hadn’t happened? Was she supposed to fight?
She put Max to bed a few minutes early that night, deciding that the best thing to do was to forget about it all, to watch some TV slasher movie. She debated calling John as she made herself a bowl of popcorn. She had a feeling a teenage horror movie with him would be fun.
She had just made up her mind to do so when there was a knock on her door.
Kate couldn’t have said if she was surprised or not when she looked through her peephole and saw Vivian’s pinched face on the other side.
“This is why I don’t often date hearing women!” Vivian roared the moment the door was open, striding in as though this were her own home and Kate was just a guest. “They don’t understand anything about my world!”
“Well, I’m trying!” Kate cried, picking up the fight as though there had been no break at all.
Vivian turned in a snarky swish of hair, and Kate growled, realizing that Vivian couldn’t have seen her words.
“I’m trying!” she cried in a whisper, wishing that she could yell.
“Clearly.”
“I am!”
Vivian’s eyes gave a roll. “‘They aren’t used to trying to communicate’?”
“Okay, whoa, lady.” Kate’s hands rested on the back of her hips, her head falling back as she groaned. “I apologized for that. It was a mistake! It just came out wrong.”
“The thing that you do not understand, Kate, is that we make a career of trying to communicate.” Her lips curled in a sneer as she said it.
“I know! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it that way!”
Vivian was standing awkwardly in the middle of the room. She looked so lost as to what to say next, her anger hot and obvious, but for the first time Kate could also see that she had hurt her.
“Vivian, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—”
“How can you understand it, Kate? You’re not a part of it. You’re not in my world, you don’t know it.” Her shoulders squared, her back straightened, and Kate could see that woman she had first met; that strong powerhouse who was unwilling to shy away from who she was. “I am a proud deaf woman, Kate, but that does not mean your ignorance isn’t painful. You wanting to understand does not mean you are able to understand my life. Perhaps ending this now is better.”
“Jesus, Vivian,” Kate groaned. “You act like this is a club that you have to know the secret handshake to get into.”
Vivian’s eyes narrowed.
“Can you sit down, please?”
“Kate.”
“Vivian, can you sit down!” she cried, giving her arm a tug. “Please.” She watched Vivian settle, her eyes still in slits, her lips still pursed. It drove her crazy. She wanted to wipe that look off her face, to shake her until she got to the woman under the mask.
“Look, I was wrong, okay? I messed up, but I won’t make that mistake again. You’re right, I’m not from your world, but I’m learning. And you’re right, maybe I was making excuses to cover the fact that I was embarrassed, but as much as I fucked up, you did too, Vivian. You fucked up! I made one mistake, and I was out the fucking door? Are you kidding me?”
Vivian’s cheeks hollowed as she smoothed her skirt. “Well.” She stood, her hands clasped tightly together in front of her.
“And ‘I don’t need this in my life’? Really? Because the thing is, I don’t need that, okay? That was so messed up.”
With a sigh, some of Vivian’s outer shell melted. Her eyes softened, her cheeks finally rounded, and she slumped a little. “That was cruel. I did not mean it.”
“You can’t just …” Kate ran her hands through her hair, and when that wasn’t enough she cracked her knuckles. “You can’t just do that to us, you can’t just toss us out.”
“I’m sorry.”
Kate’s head turned, surprised by how quickly Vivian had said that.
Vivian gave her a small, uncomfortable smile.
Kate smiled back, her hand reaching over to take one of Vivian’s. “Here’s the thing. Charlie wasn’t a part of your world once, right? Don’t tell me that hearing women can’t be a part of it!”
Vivian’s cheeks went pink, and she looked away, her eyes trailing down to her lap.
“Hey.” Kate pushed her chin back up. “You just have to give me a chance.”
Vivian nodded once, her hand coming up to stroke Kate’s cheek.
Kate could feel Vivian’s pain; it was like a cold breeze pulsing off her skin, and so she kissed her.
In the way that making up often goes, one kiss turned into another, which turned into gentle hands on her waist and under her shirt. They weren’t done talking, this was not done, but Kate didn’t stop Vivian when she pushed forward, trapping Kate under her body, her hands carefully, tenderly caressing her cheeks, her jaw, her throat.
It was late when Kate finally spoke again.
“You have to go.”
Her mind had been spinning as they lay in her bed together, Vivian’s head resting on her chest, Kate’s fingers running through her hair.
She felt better having Vivian so close to her, her body well used by her, but she also felt worse. How was she supposed to feel? Vivian had broken up with her, she was still sure of it. Was this supposed to mean that things were fine now? The fact that Vivian had thrown her away at all was still a problem.
She groaned, pinching the bridge of her nose. She shouldn’t have let this happen.
Vivian’s head rose from its resting spot, her eyes sleepy as she gently smiled. “Did you speak?”
“Yeah,” Kate said, her hand still covering her eyes. “You have to go.”
There was a beat of silence in which Kate felt herself stiffen, waiting for the explosion.
“What?” Her voice was flat, cold, and honestly surprised.
Kate�
�s head and hands fell back, taking a second to rest before she said, “I’m sorry, but Max can’t wake up with you here.”
Vivian leaned up, her head shaking a little as she asked with incredulity, “Have I been banished from your son?”
“What? No. I mean, it’s just not fair to him, all right? If he wakes up and you’re here… It’s just in case, Vivian, okay? Just for now.”
“Just for now?” Vivian pushed herself up fully, holding the draped blanket to her.
“Come on, you’re pretending it didn’t happen, but you did break up with me. It’s just until we smooth things over.”
Vivian was up in a flash, making Kate groan into her hands. “For the last time, I did no such thing!”
“Shh! Don’t wake him up!”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Is the deaf girl making too much noise?”
“That wasn’t what I—”
“This is exactly my point, Kate!”
Kate jerked herself up, her hands clapping into her lap as she cried, “How can you keep saying that didn’t happen? What am I supposed to take from that? It happened, Vivian! And now I need to think about my son! He’s been heartbroken.”
“He’s been heartbroken over something that I most certainly did not do.”
“Okay, fine! But why can’t you admit that it looked a lot like a fucking breakup? How am I supposed to trust you around my son?”
Vivian snarled, ripping her blouse over her head and grabbing her pants.
“I don’t get it! How are we supposed to move on if – Vivian!” Kate groaned, face-planting in the pillows as Vivian turned away, pulling on her shoes. “Come on!” She tossed a pillow across the room at Vivian’s back.
The look on Vivian’s face as she turned was lethal, her eyes flashing so brightly that Kate slunk back. “Sorry, but I don’t know how I am supposed to talk to you when your back is turned.”
Vivian didn’t answer. Instead she turned and once again Kate watched as she marched from the apartment.
Kate fell back against the pillows when she was gone, her eyes burning. Having Vivian walk out once before had made her angry, but this time, laying in her bed naked with Vivian’s perfume still on her sheets, was so much worse.
