by Mark Hayden
A van emblazoned with pictures of Indian food bumped over the grass and pulled up next to the tent. Two Bengalis jumped out of the front and sprang into action. A younger, European lad climbed stiffly from the middle seat and looked around him. The adults wore polo shirts with the company’s logo, while the lad had one from a Birmingham FE college. An apprentice, presumably. In seconds, the doors of the van were open and catering equipment was being carried inside.
All is Good, as they say in Germany.
I patted Xavi on the shoulder. ‘We’d better go and knock on the door. It’s time.’
We gathered Cheng on the way and he modestly demonstrated why he’s the Royal Occulter: all trace of the cupboard had disappeared from the panelling and there was a Discouragement Ward in place. The family secrets were safe.
At precisely 18:50 I hammered on the dining room doors. To none of our surprise, we were greeted with cries of, ‘Just a minute!’ and ‘Won’t be long!’
Xavi peered out of the window. ‘There’s a queue forming.’
‘Is Miss Parkes there?’
‘Not yet.’
‘Then hold your fire, lieutenant.’ I folded my arms and leaned against the mahogany newel post to take the weight off my bad leg.
Cheng tipped his head on one side. ‘Will you open the doors at seven even if they haven’t finished? Would you dare?’
‘They’ll be out before seven because they know I’ll open the doors.’
He nodded, and we all jumped when the dining room doors were flung open. By magick. With added whoosh and boom. That would be Erin.
Mina led the parade, with Vicky, Myfanwy, Erin, Saffron, Sofía and Desi behind her. Right at the back, Hannah slipped into Desi’s wake and lined up using the much taller woman as a shield. They looked beautiful. What? You’re expecting a description? Not my forte, I’m afraid. Just think of seven attractive women, with bold colours, bare midriffs and bling. Lots of bling. And then add the subtlest of Glamours to push it to the max.
‘What do you think?’ said Mina.
‘Wow,’ I said. It seemed the safest thing. And it was true.
Mina was the only one who couldn’t use magick. In my opinion, she didn’t need a Glamour, but I may be biased. For a party like this, it’s considered quite normal to add a little illusion to the mix – bouncier hair, smoother skin. One of the group had taken things a stage further: Hannah had turned herself into her twin, Ruth. At that moment I was so glad that I’m not the Boss’s Rabbi.
I bowed. Cheng and Xavi bowed. Scout barked. There was no more to be said.
‘Places, girls,’ said Mina, and the group broke up. Myfanwy and Erin were in charge at the marquee end; Vicky, Desi and the Boss were heading straight for the bar, and they grabbed Cheng to help start the party; Sofía and Xavi were on cloakroom duty and went to get the clothes rails.
I took Mina’s hands. I lifted them and kissed them. ‘That pink suits you beautifully. You look stunning, Rani. Tonight, you really are the princess.’
She smiled and shook her hair. ‘It is not pink, it’s cerise. Now open the doors.’
Everyone had made an effort. With the tickets at that price, you’d have to, and we welcomed a stream of visitors in blues, reds and greens. I think Mina was right about colour getting people in the mood.
From outside, Scout gave a peculiar whine before barking rapidly. He may not be able to smell magick per se, but he could definitely smell non-humans, if that noise was a guide. I could just hear Ross saying, ‘What’s up, boy?’ and I moved to meet the next guests, Lloyd Flint and his wife, Anna. Lloyd is a Gnome, and I found him standing on the doorstep, looking up at the carving of a dragon that sits over the main doors to Elvenham.
‘Who did your Wards?’ said Lloyd. ‘They’re good, whoever they are.’
‘Eseld Mowbray. She’s…’
He gave me a funny look. ‘I know who Eseld Mowbray is. Having her do your Wards is a bit like having James Dyson to fix your washing machine. How do I get in without setting them off?’
‘Salute the dragon and shake my hand.’
He saluted by waving at the block of limestone and shouting, ‘Alright, mate?’ in his thick Black Country accent. A shimmer of Lux passed over him, and his left arm, right hand, chest and shoes all shimmered. His shoes? Whatever. I stood back and they came into the house.
Lloyd and Anna look about the same age, early thirties, but they’re not: Lloyd is a fair bit older. The first thing I looked at properly was the end of Lloyd’s long sleeved kurta: to save both our lives, he’d hacked off his own left arm. There was now a black glove instead of the oversized tuning fork I’d last seen him wearing as a prosthetic. He proudly lifted it up and flexed the fingers. Nice.
Mina was busy telling Anna that she looked good. Lloyd chimed in, sotto voce ‘She’s positively glowin’, ay she?’ (ay she is the Black Country for “is she not?” It takes a bit of getting used to.)
‘I’ve decided,’ said Anna. ‘I’m going for the eight.’
‘Congratulations,’ said Mina. ‘Oh. That’s the Heaths coming. Catch you later.’
More mundane guests arrived, then Rachael and the Mowbrays, and I almost didn’t recognise Eseld. The spiked hair had disappeared under a long black wig. An expensive one, by the look of things. Rachael looked good, because, well, she does look good.
They arrived shortly after Stephen and Juliet Bloxham, who were still in the hall talking to Myfanwy. The Bloxhams live in the Big House – Clerkswell Manor, and our families have traditionally not got on well. It’s not a proper feud, because it only goes back two generations which is nothing in a village like ours.
‘Hello Rachael,’ said Juliet. ‘I like your shoes.’
It was a nothing comment, but it meant that Rachael was forced to introduce the Mowbrays. Her exact words were, ‘These are my friends, Eseld and Cador, and this is my colleague, Alain.’ That’s all she said.
They all shook hands, and Stephen Bloxham said, ‘You’re Cador Mowbray, the barrister, right? From the Cornwall Mowbrays?’
Cador took it in his stride and gave it back, ‘That’s me. Rachael’s told me all about you.’
Eseld looked alarmed, but she got off lightly and managed to dodge the group exit to the bar.
‘How did those people know about us?’ she said. ‘Has one of the Coven said something?’
By Coven, she meant the women who stay on-and-off at my house. She said it as if she couldn’t believe it and felt slightly aggrieved. I shook my head.
‘They wouldn’t, Eseld. You’re used to living in your own private estate, where all the staff pledge their loyalty. This is an English village. You made the AirBnB reservation, right?’ She nodded. ‘So the owners know your name. As soon as the neighbours saw that Rachael was staying with you, they told Nell Heath in the shop, and she looked you up. Then they told everyone, and Stephen Bloxham will want to be seen with your brother, the multi-millionaire. Simple.’
‘Tell me you’re joking.’
I gave her my best French shrug, inspired by the one I’d seen Alain give to Juliet Bloxham. ‘Just be thankful you’ve been careful with social media. Oh, your Wards worked a treat on our first magickal guest. A Gnome of Clan Flint. He was very impressed.’
‘And so he should be. Did he have any magick he shouldn’t have?’
‘Only his shoes. Never heard of magick shoes before. Outside fairy tales.’
‘The vanity of Gnomes,’ she said, gnomically. When I looked blank, she continued, ‘The younger ones don’t like being the shortest males in a mixed setting. They use Glamours, and the best height Glamours start with the shoes. I’d better try and rescue my brother.’
‘How will you do that?’ I asked with a smile.
‘Chat up the wife. That usually does the trick.’
‘I thought you were supposed to be a responsible adult now. My little sister is in your class at Salomon’s House.’
‘Sod that. Who says you can’t have a bit of fun anymore? Now t
hat I’m only doing fancy dress on special occasions, I get to really act out.’ She wiggled her fingers. ‘Bye, Conrad.’
When she’d gone, Mina folded her arms and said, ‘Should we expect trouble?’
‘I hope so.’
She glared at me and shook her head. We both turned round when a cough came from the door.
Ross and Emily had been nipping in and out with the odd query, and Emily popped her head through the doors to say, ‘Dr Somerton’s here. In a very nice Bentley. Ross is directing.’
Mina and I looked at each other. ‘Cora drives a Range Rover, doesn’t she?’ I said. ‘There was definitely no Bentley there the other week.’
‘I’d better go and help them over the Wards.’
I went out with a smile, and it turned into a frown when I saw who was there. Instead of Cora Hardisty, Dean of the Invisible College, we had her best friend, Selena Bannister, with Francesca Somerton on her arm. Eh? What’s that all about?
I’ve previously described Selena as tall and aristocratic. She’s not only tall, I now know that she really is aristocratic. Her father is the mundane Earl of __________, though you’re not allowed to call her Lady Selena. Not if you want to stay on her good side.
‘Doctor Bannister,’ I said. ‘Welcome to Elvenham. This is an unexpected pleasure, and an honour.’
Selena bowed her head, ‘Dragonslayer. The honour is mine.’
To the intense puzzlement of the helpers, our guests made peace with the dragon, and I led them inside.
Selena looked round the hall. ‘What a charming house. I really do think that Victorian Gothic is underrated.’ She returned Mina’s Namaste and said, ‘Miss Desai. Pleasure to see you again. You look stunning. Truly stunning.’
‘As do you, Doctor Bannister.’ (And she did, in a Woodstock hippy-goes-to-Mumbai chic sort of way.)
‘Get on with it, Selena,’ said Dr Somerton. ‘The sooner we get on first names, the sooner we can get to the bar. And the food.’
‘I hope you will call me Mina,’ said Mina with a grin.
Selena gave Mina a kiss, and did the same to me. That way she could whisper, ‘I’ll tell you about Cora later.’
I went outside to check if any more guests were coming. Emily and Ross were on their phones. Separately. ‘Ross, look down the lane, will you?’
He jogged to the end of the drive and peered towards the church. ‘No one’s coming,’ he shouted.
‘Could you give it another half an hour, Emily? Just in case.’
‘Yeah.’
I went back inside and took Mina’s arm. ‘I think everyone’s here. Shall we?’
She took a deep breath. ‘Are you sure you won’t make the speech for me?’
‘It needs to come from you, love, not me. Besides, you’re a princess. Public speaking is part of the gig.’
‘After all that meeting and greeting, I don’t feel like a princess, I feel like the little Indian jailbird who shouldn’t be living in the big house. Did you see how many of the women said, “Oh, you’re engaged to Conrad?” Clearly I’m acceptable as a concubine, but not as Mr Clarke’s wife.’
‘They’re just jealous. Did you notice how many of their husbands said that I was a lucky man?’
She gave the little sad smile. ‘You are.’ Then she stood up straight and said, ‘Come on, Rani. You can do it. For Anika and the girls.’
2 — Away with the Fairies
‘…And that is where your money will be going,’ said Mina at the end of her short speech. ‘To explain exactly what it means, I would like to introduce my cousin, Anika Desai, who has very nobly stayed up until three thirty in the morning for a live link.’
I had introduced Mina and then stood to the side, willing her on, and she had delivered. She wouldn’t take my word for it, of course, but Erin had been filming her and I knew she’d be satisfied with the overall performance. I also knew that Mina would be hyper-critical of her hair / her top / the fact that she hadn’t refreshed her makeup. That’s Mina for you.
She stepped out of the direct line of the big screen that filled most of one end of the marquee and put her hands behind her back. Only I could see that she was crossing her fingers. The screen flickered into life, and I got my first proper look at Mina’s older cousin, Anika. She looked as fresh as a daisy, in a modest yet elegant blue and cream saree. She made namaste and asked if Mina could hear her.
‘Loud and clear, Anika Ben.’
Anika glanced at the monitor in front of her, then looked straight into her own camera. ‘Sadly, none of you can vote in the Gujarat state elections next year.’ She pretended to look to the side and leaned in to whisper confidentially to the marquee. ‘Don’t tell my father, but I’m standing as a candidate.’
She got a laugh for that, and it allowed her to segue into why she was standing and how the proceeds from tonight would help women whose lives lacked the opportunities her audience took for granted. She didn’t lay it on too thick, just enough to loosen wallets, and she mixed in a few anecdotes and pictures. And jokes.
As I said, it’s a very good cause.
The waiters started circulating with the food. The young white lad I’d seen before was lurking at the back of the catering tent, on his phone. Either he was suffering a genuine personal emergency or he was totally useless; the Bengalis totally ignored him until he’d finished on his phone and then he started filling trays.
If I didn’t know better, I’d say he’d used magick to turn their attention away. I shifted so that I could keep an eye on him. I’d go and check him out shortly. Before I ate anything.
Hannah was the first to congratulate Mina when we sat down. ‘At least now I know what the big screen was for. Your cousin is a brave woman, Mina.’
Mina adjusted some of her jewellery. ‘She is, but that is not the main reason we have the big screen. That was a bonus.’ She risked a smile. ‘You will discover the real reason later.’
My thigh vibrated. ‘Excuse me,’ I said, digging in my pocket. Who could be ringing me? The screen said Ross.
I stood up and moved away from the table. ‘What’s up?’
‘Sir! You’re not going to believe who’s just turned up!’
Over the phone, I could hear an ominous noise: Scout was giving distress signals and trying to tell the kids that something non-human had arrived. We’d tied him on a long lead at the front. ‘Untie Scout. I’m on my way,’ I said, disconnecting the call. ‘Vicky, with me.’
She knew the tone in my voice and dropped her naan bread without argument, joining me as I strode towards the door. Mina was close behind. Before we got there, Scout shot into the tent, tail firmly between his legs. He skidded to a halt in front of me and dropped his front legs in a perfect Downward Dog yoga pose. He whined plaintively and little shivers ran up and down his body. What on earth?
‘Oh my God, would you look at this. Totally amazing.’
A strong Scouse accent echoed round the tent, and everyone turned to look at the new arrival.
‘Well, she wins the award for best outfit,’ I murmured to myself.
A tall, beautifully proportioned woman with long, cascading auburn hair stood in the entrance. Her outfit (what little of it there was) shimmered in green silk, but mostly she was dressed in diamonds. Rubies, too, but mostly diamonds.
The reaction of the room split into three unequal parts: the under fifties, the Mages and the over fifties. The under fifties looked like they were witnessing the second coming, and many stood up, reaching for their phones. The Mages also stood up, but the look on their faces was a mixture of horror and awe. Hannah had already shed her Glamour and was moving her hands ready to make magick.
The third group, the over fifties, was looking blank, because they had no idea who she was. I was half-way between them and the Mages.
To my side, Vicky and Mina both spoke at once.
‘Tara Doyle,’ said Mina. Nope. That meant nothing to me.
‘Princess Birkdale,’ said Vicky. As soon as I’d proces
sed that, just as phones started to flash, I jumped forward to intercept our visitor.
I bowed low. ‘Welcome to Elvenham. Your presence is an honour. Please, accept our hospitality.’
The visitor gave me an ironic smile and a small bow of the head. ‘I am the one honoured, and would be more so to accept your hospitality, Guardian.’ The Fae won’t use the words King’s Watch, so we’re Guardians to them. She spoke at a normal volume, with just a flat edge to the tone that told me she’d blocked it from travelling into the rest of the room. I relaxed a little. We were safe for now.
‘May I present my fiancée, Mina Desai,’ I said, ‘and this is Watch Captain Robson.’
‘Namaste,’ said Mina. ‘Please join our table.’
Vicky was scared to shake hands, and also made namaste.
‘A pleasure,’ said our visitor.
She turned to face the crowd and gave a radiant smile. Phones flashed and the room buzzed. Our visitor took a step forwards and raised her voice, the Scouse accent undiminished. ‘You all look brilliant, and I can’t wait to get dancing. I’ll see you all later, but right now I’m starvin’ hungry, okay, and I wanna talk to our amazin’ hostess. Thanks.’
Vicky had grabbed a spare chair and was making room at our table. Eseld was whispering something to Rachael, and Rachael’s mouth was literally hanging open. Unlike me, she clearly knew exactly who Tara Doyle was, and no doubt Eseld was explaining that the new arrival was not, in fact, a beautiful young woman but was actually a two hundred year old member of the Fae nobility with the title Princess Birkdale. That takes a bit of getting used to.
Mina didn’t need to snap her fingers at the waiters. They’d seen Doyle’s arrival and were already on their way with an extra plate and fresh food. The food was brought by the apprentice, who bowed low and called her My Lady. A spy in the camp. No wonder her timing had been impeccable – he’d been texting her the moment when the charity appeal finished. One mystery solved.
‘Hannah! Your Glamour!’ hissed Selena.
Our new guest approached the table and bowed to the company. ‘Dame Guardian, Keeper, Doctor Bannister. Well met. And well met to you all.’
