by Mark Hayden
‘Me too,’ said Karina.
‘You just want to get out of meeting the clan,’ I countered. ‘You can’t be in the Watch and not learn how to deal with Gnomes. Shit. I need to call the Boss.’
‘Finish your breakfast,’ said Mina. ‘You’ll regret it later if you don’t.’
‘Fine.’
I bolted down my food, poured a mug of coffee and headed out to the dog kennel. Scout had already had a long walk and breakfast, so he was flat out asleep. ‘Alright for some. Here goes.’
‘What?’ said Hannah when I’d relayed the conversation. ‘You’ve brought this on yourself, Conrad. You should never have involved DCI Morton. He’s much smarter than you.’
‘He is, ma’am, but I don’t think he’s been telling tales to the Gnomes. That body was left for me to discover, and without Morton, I wouldn’t have found Kirk Liddington.’
‘What the hell do you think is going on?’
‘Honestly? I don’t know. Since last night, I’m coming more round to the idea that it was Princess Birkdale who set her wolves on to the dead Gnome. I think she’s trying to provoke them. It’s the only lead I’ve got to go on.’
‘This is such a mess,’ she sighed. ‘You do realise that if things get worse, I may have to take you off the case? It’s not your fault, but if it’s the only way to avoid a Fae/Gnome war, I’ll do it.’
‘If I can’t sort this out, I may ask you to take over. I don’t want to start a war, either.’
‘So get on with it. And keep me updated, understand?’
‘Ma’am.’
I disconnected and looked down. ‘Don’t get too comfortable, Scout. You’re coming with me today.’ I headed into the kitchen and put my mug in the dishwasher. ‘Right, Karina, time to break out your uniform. This is official.’
‘Do I have to?’
‘Yes,’ said Mina. ‘For Conrad’s sake. He finds it comforting.’
Charming. I wonder whether she’s going to get worse when we’re married. Probably. Still, if it gets Karina into gear without a strop, who am I to complain?
Despite the magickal sounding name, Clan Blackrod are called after the village of Blackrod, to the north west of Bolton, about ten miles from where the late Gnome was found. They are a big clan, with branches all over Lancashire and a fair bit of clout. I was not looking forward to this.
All Gnomes have a First Mine, where they worship Mother Earth, where they lay their dead to rest and where they keep their treasure. Sometimes the Mine is occupied permanently, sometimes it isn’t. None of Lloyd’s clan, for example, live in their Mine. Then again, the First Mine of Clan Flint is in the grounds of a sewerage works. You wouldn’t live there, either. Clan Blackrod are different.
We collected our pilot from the SPAR grocery shop in Aspull, a young Gnome who had a wide eyed curiosity about his mission and strict orders not to say a word, not even when he was forced to sit in the back of the car with a dog who wanted to lick him all over. The one thing he did say was, ‘Second left, then third right. You’ll see the gates at the end of the lane.’
‘Impressive,’ I said when we drove through soot-blackened pillars and up a well-made drive to the house. ‘Even more impressive. I do love a bit of Gothic.’
‘It’s creepy,’ said Karina. At least she’d waited until we were out of the car and the young Gnome had gone. ‘What are all the turrets and spires for? It’s not a real house.’
‘It sends a message. It says, “Powerful men live here.” And also, “We have a lot of money.” My ancestor did the same thing when he built Elvenham. On a smaller scale, of course.’
‘No woman would build something like that. It’s just unnecessary.’
‘Vicky has the same opinion. She much prefers Georgian architecture. Are you ready?’
She nodded rather than risk an answer. I reached into the leg pocket of my combat uniform and fetched out a small packet. ‘You haven’t asked me much about my encounters with the Allfather, Karina.’
‘Sir? No. That’s private.’
‘Do you know what the first piece of advice he gave me was?’
‘No.’
I passed over the packet. ‘Always take curried worms when you go underground. It saved my life.’
She stared at the turmeric-tinted, slimy invertebrates. ‘Is that what you say to all junior officers? Is this a wind-up?’
‘No. It most definitely is not. Keep them in a safe place. They’re high in protein.’
‘You eat them?’
‘Just one. Just to see what they taste like. They are as disgusting as they look. Even Scout turns his nose up at them. Do you think it’s safe to leave him in the grounds?’
‘Those Wards are strong. He won’t go near them.’
I slipped Scout off the lead and he headed for the nearest tree. ‘Let’s get this over with, then.’
When Karina said that it wasn’t a real house, she was telling the truth. The impressive facade of Blackrod Mine does have rooms behind some of the windows, but mostly it’s a big gateway to the big tunnel under the hill. A pair of Gnomes guarded the iron bound doors and held their long-handled, single bladed axes as if they were broomsticks.
‘Who would approach the Mine of Blackrod?’ said the one on the left.
‘Conrad Clarke, Deputy to the Peculier Constable and Watch Captain of the Palatinate. I come in peace. This is Watch Officer Kent.’
The other Gnome used the butt of his axe to hammer on the doors. With a good creak and groan, one of the leaves swung inward. Now that would be creepy on a dark night. Inside the shallow building was a suitably OTT hallway with dark panelling and a lot of heraldic shields, mostly featuring braziers. If the outside doors were impressive, the ones at the back of the hall were jaw-dropping affairs of sheet steel and rivets, as if someone had cut a chunk out of the hull of an old battleship. They were plain to look at, but thrummed with magick. I resisted the temptation to use my Sight on them, and focused on Lachlan Mace, who stood at the bottom of a staircase.
‘Thank you for coming,’ he said. As if I’d had a choice. He did seem to have calmed down, though. ‘We won’t be entering the Mine today, as you’re the Swordbearer for another clan.’
‘Not any more. I surrendered the Anvil yesterday.’
He first looked surprised, then narrowed his eyes as he calculated what my news might mean. ‘Thank you for telling me. I’m sure it will make a difference in the future. For today, if you could follow me.’
At the top of the stairs, a landing took us through open doors into the Chief’s public receiving room. This was not a room designed to overawe (that would be the Hall underground), this was a room to make you know your place, and that place was outside the sacred confines. It was still impressive, though. Apart from the body bag on the floor. That was worrying.
The chief of Clan Blackrod sat behind a blackened oak desk that was raised a good eighteen inches above the rest of the room on a platform. His chair was also huge, and it was all designed to reinforce his status. And his stature, but we won’t go there. In person, he was beefy, white haired and had a face that had seen a lot, with both pleasure and pain etched into the lines. Work hard, play hard. On a grand scale, like the house.
I bowed. ‘Chief. You know who I am, and I come in peace.’
He remained seated. ‘In peace, welcome.’ He paused to show that even today, peace was a precious commodity that deserved respect. ‘Why have I had to liberate one of my people from a mortuary, Mr Clarke?’
Please no. I looked North, towards Asgard and prayed. Allfather, please let this be one of your jokes. Please.
Lachlan unzipped the bag, and no one was laughing. There was the poor creature, still in his ski mask and silk suit. This was seriously bad news.
‘Chief Stefan, you have crossed a line here.’
He slapped the desk with his hand. ‘No! It is you have crossed the line! Your duty was to return our clansman and keep the mundane world away from us, but you neglected your duty. Any con
sequences are yours to deal with.’
‘I…’ I didn’t know what to say. He was right. As soon as the late Gnome had appeared, I should have followed protocol and whisked him away for a ‘special’ autopsy. I’d burnt that bridge now, and Stefan was right: I had to deal with the consequences.
The chief waited until I’d zoned back in. ‘This stinks of the Fairies. They are the only ones with pets who would do this. I am summoning the Clan. Our brother will be taken into the Mine and laid to rest. After that, we will want vengeance.’
‘As is your right,’ I said. ‘I trust you choose your target carefully.’
‘What are you saying, Clarke?’
‘That my only aim is to keep the King’s Peace, which is why I withheld the news of your brother’s death. Do you know whose door to knock on?’
‘We will find the door.’ He sat back. ‘As I said, vengeance can wait until Drake has been laid to rest. He was not just from my House, he was Clan Counsel.’
The penny finally dropped: he was giving me a window of opportunity. I had until the interment to jump through it and find the killers. ‘His death is a terrible loss, Chief Stefan. Why would Drake have been targeted? Others in the clan would have been easier prey.’
‘Lachlan will look into that with help from Drake’s sons. He had dealings with many across the North West.’
‘And may I ask if you or his sons knew what he was planning on Saturday morning?’
‘He was playing golf,’ said the chief.
Oh no he wasn’t. I hoped that Karina had kept as straight a face as I’d tried to. As far as I could tell, neither Chief Stefan nor Lachlan had looked at her once.
‘Which course?’ I asked, when I’d got my surprise under control.
‘Radcliffe. Up the valley from where he was found. I’ve sent clansmen to investigate. When we move, Mr Clarke, we will move swiftly, accurately and mercilessly. Good day.’
Lachlan zipped up the bag. ‘I will show you out.’ We followed him in silence until we got to the great doors. He placed his hand on a locking bar and paused. ‘Why did you surrender the Anvil? Was it because your alliance with their clan second is over?’
‘Oh no, Lachlan. I surrendered it to preserve my bond with Lloyd, not because it is any weaker.’
‘I see.’ He actually sounded as if he might.
The sound of that body bag being zipped came back when I heard a creak from the upstairs floorboards. ‘You want to do it right, don’t you?’ I said.
‘Of course.’
‘Then do me one favour. Put Drake, as he is, into your cold store. Nothing else. Just that.’
He thought for a moment. ‘We’ll see.’ He opened the door and stood back. ‘Go well, Conrad.’
Gnomes have good hearing, so I strode away from the sentinels as quickly as I could. The sound of barking came from my right, and a raised voice. What the hell is he up to now? I pivoted and followed the noise.
‘Ugh,’ said Karina. ‘What’s that smell?’
‘Gnome?’
‘I haven’t been blessed by Nimue, so I can’t smell the Essence of Gnomes. All I can smell is their disgusting aftershave. It’s not that, it’s … oh.’
Scout had found the pigsty, and its ripe odour was just now getting through to me. A young lad (who should have been in school) was about to throw a stone at my dog, and that was not going to happen. I let out a loud whistle, and the boy looked up, hand raised. Scout also heard me and galloped over like he was at an agility class. On another day, I would have called out the boy and made sure he didn’t try it again. Not today. I do not need another reason for Clan Blackrod to be annoyed with me.
Once Scout was back at heel, Karina turned away from the mine and pretended to trip. ‘Oh dear,’ she said. ‘I nearly fell. Could that be because I didn’t get his blessing? You are to go well, but not me. It’s not just the house that’s ugly and stinks, the whole place is a cesspit. It’s vile. It’s brutal and it’s the enemy of everything good in the world. I don’t know how you can stand them, let alone call one of them your friends.’
I stopped, somewhere in the middle of the grass that fronts the Mine, half way between the pigsties and the car. ‘You don’t have to like them, Karina, you just have to treat them equally. That’s all. Give them the same rights as everyone else in the world of magick.’ I made sure she’d got the message and turned to carry on walking. Both Scout and Karina rushed to keep up.
‘But … But how can you, when they’re like that?’ she stammered.
I kept walking. ‘Wrong question. The right question is, “How can Karina treat them equally when they disgust her?” You’d better find an answer.’
Yee Hah! Yee Hah!
Damn. We were back in mobile signal range. What did the Sheriff want now?
‘Clarke. What the fuck is going on?’
It was the first time I’d heard Morton swear. I think. ‘In what way?’
‘In the way that there is no longer a dead gangster in the Liverpool mortuary. In that way that he’s been replaced by a dead pig.’
I winced and screwed my eyes closed. This could not be happening to me. ‘They put a dead pig in?’
There was a silence, and when he spoke again, Morton’s fury had to turned to ice. ‘You knew, didn’t you? You were surprised about the pig, but not the missing body.’
‘I’ve just heard. Literally while you were trying to ring me. I had no foreknowledge. None.’
‘Where is it? Tell me who’s got it.’
‘I can’t.’
He broke off for a second, then said, ‘What?’ to someone in the room with him. ‘I’m putting you on hold, Clarke. Don’t go away.’
I kept my phone pressed to my ear in case he came back on the line and said, ‘Karina. Ring the Boss now and tell her to expect a shitstorm. Clan Blackrod didn’t just take the body, I’m afraid. Quick, before the Angel of Death gets to her.’
‘Who?’
‘Now.’
‘That’s not all,’ said Morton in my ear. ‘There’s been a straightforward break-in at the forensic laboratory. All the samples have gone.’
Now that was thorough. I tipped my hat to Clan Blackrod. I also cursed them for being bloody awkward. I was struggling for something to say to that, and before I could come up with a suitable platitude, Morton cut me off. ‘I’m wanted in Warrington for a crisis meeting. I hope you’re happy.’
He rang off just as Karina finished explaining the headlines to Hannah. I made a signal and she said, ‘Would you like to speak to him, ma’am? … Right.’ She passed me the phone and I braced myself.
‘Ma’am?’
‘Give me something, Conrad. Give me anything I can use to stop our ship sinking in a sea of shit. I have never known such a mess in all my years of pain and torment. In Hashem’s name, give me something.’
‘I’ve just heard that the forensics lab has been turned over, too. All physical evidence is gone.’
For the first time ever, she raised her voice to me. ‘I said give something good, not more bad news!’ It was more than a shout, it was a cry of pain.
‘That is the good news. It must have been an inside job. Tom Morton didn’t tell me where the body was being taken and I have no idea who does their forensic science. It wasn’t Morton who leaked it, because he’s not in the pay of Clan Blackrod. Get on to John Lake. Tell him to get Morton’s bosses, the Professional Standards people, to threaten an investigation. It will make the regular police drop the case like a hot potato.’
She was quiet for a second. ‘Good point. That, I can work with.’ She paused again. ‘They’ll want something in return. I can’t leave you in charge, so I’m taking you off the case.’
‘Am I suspended?’
She gave a hollow laugh. ‘There was only one thing stopping me from giving you the Deputy’s job, and it’s this: I can’t suspend you. Only the Duke of Albion can do that, and even then, you’d still be Priest of the Dyfrdwy Altar and Guardian of the North. Only Nimue can take t
hat off you, and she doesn’t take my calls any more.’
I had a vision of her pinching the bridge of her nose and screwing up her eyes. ‘And what’s worse, Conrad, is that the only person who can take over is me. Or Iain Drummond. I shall come up on Wednesday.’
‘What about Karina?’
‘I shall have to decide when I get there.’
A tiny voice of hope spoke up in the back of my mind. ‘On Wednesday, ma’am?’
‘Yes. On Wednesday. In the evening. Now go away and let me fight the fire.’
I checked the screen and passed the phone back to Karina. ‘Let’s go.’ When we got in the car, I held up my hand and said, ‘I’m going to drive to Middlebrook. It’s only five minutes and I need time to get my head together.’
The Middlebrook development was where we’d stopped to get Karina’s top on Saturday. As well as the Bolton Wanderers stadium, it had a retail park with a huge Tesco and lots of places to stop for coffee. When Karina came out of the café with our re-usable mugs filled (I’d offered her the choice of buying the drinks or looking after Scout), I filled her in on the full horror of our situation. She chose to focus on the pig.
‘That’s disgusting. A deliberate insult to Boss Hannah. How can they get away with that.’
‘You mean because Hannah’s Jewish?’
‘Of course.’
I shook my head. ‘I doubt that Stefan Blackrod knows or cares about the Peculier Constable’s faith. It was an exchange. Obviously it’ll end up in an incinerator, but it will have been killed and processed to humane and food hygiene standards. In their eyes, if we choose to turn it down, that’s our problem. According to Occult law, all non-human bodies are the domain of the race they come from.’
She wasn’t happy. On all sorts of levels. Inside, she couldn’t move on, so she said nothing.
‘So, Karina, what do we do now?’
‘What do you mean, sir?’
‘Stefan Blackrod and Hannah have given us a tiny window. If Hannah didn’t want us to carry on investigating, she’d be on the train now. If the chief of Clan Blackrod wanted a war, he wouldn’t wait until after the burial. So, what should we do?’
