Kit flexed his arms. ‘Jasper. Do I look any less strong for having a few tears?’
‘No. Suppose not. But… people might laugh at you.’
‘Then let them. I don’t care what anyone else thinks. And if someone is going to laugh because I cry – well, their opinion doesn’t count. They aren’t someone I would respect or want as a friend.’
‘Tommy?’ said Mia.
‘He won’t say anything because it’s his fault. Tommy is nothing but a big bully,’ blurted out Arlo.
Mia’s jaw dropped and she glanced at me and Davina. ‘What’s been going on?’
Jasper’s fists curled. ‘Shut up, Arlo.’
He shook his head. ‘No. I won’t. Not any more. Remember when Hannah and Lex’s hamster Pickle died?’
Davina and I nodded.
‘Jasper was really upset and cried at school. Tommy started laughing at him in the playground and called him a cry baby.’
‘Tommy. How could you?’ said Mia.
The little boy folded his arms.
‘I told Tommy to push off,’ continued Arlo. ‘We got into a fight. He punched me in the eye.’
‘And you told the teacher you and Jasper had fallen out.’ Davina shook her head. ‘I didn’t believe my boys would hurt each other like that… Jasper, is this true?’
His chin trembled. ‘Tommy says to be a man you have to be tough. He teased me for holding your hand in the playground once…’
‘And that’s why you haven’t since?’
‘Davina… I had no idea,’ said Mia.
But she’d carried on talking. ‘Is that why you ate those curry flapjacks – to prove that you were tough like Tommy?’
Jasper nodded.
‘And why you said the unicorn fairy cakes were for girls, at the Christmas buffet? And… and said you wanted to be a bodyguard? I thought that was unlike you and I’ve been going over and over these events in my head, searching for an explanation.’
So that’s why Jasper uncharacteristically played with an imaginary gun when Max let off fireworks in their back garden.
‘What about all the stomach aches?’ asked Davina. ‘Have they been real?’
Jasper hesitated and then shook his head. ‘I pretended. So I didn’t have to see Tommy.’ A tear ran down his cheek. ‘Are you cross with me?’
Davina shook her head. ‘This is all making sense at last. In a way it’s a relief – how recently you haven’t wanted to give me hugs.’
‘I’m sorry, Mum. I did want to.’
She held out her arms. After a quick glance at Tommy, Jasper went over to the sofa and buried his face in her neck.
Kit had sat there, taking it all in, studying the boys one at a time.
‘Tommy, who’s told you that you must be tough all the time?’ asked Kit. ‘Because it’s not true and in my experience if you keep tears in and pretend everything is all right, it just makes you feel worse in the end.’
Tommy pressed his lips together and stopped breathing until a big gust burst out of his mouth. His head dropped and his shoulders shuddered.
He was crying.
Mia reached towards him but Tommy pulled away.
‘Let it out, mate,’ said Kit. ‘There’s no shame in tears. They’re there for a reason. They are the physical form of your upset and releasing them makes the sad things in your head smaller and easier to deal with.’
Arlo looked at Davina, then at Mia, and finally at Kit, before shuffling over to Tommy and putting a tentative hand on his shoulder.
Tommy gave another sob and then met Arlo’s face. His eyes filled again and he sniffed. ‘It’s Dad,’ he said, eventually. ‘When we stopped living with him… on the last day he knelt down in front of me. Said that I was going to be the man of the house in our new place. He said Mum was miserable enough and that I should do everything I could to cheer you up.’
‘What?’ Mia’s fists curled.
‘Dad said you wouldn’t want to see me cry and that my job was to look after you now.’ Tommy wiped his eyes on his sleeve. ‘I didn’t want to let anyone down so I’ve really tried, Mum. Even though I’ve felt like crying. I haven’t got many friends at school.’ His voice trembled. ‘Some of the girls seem to like me, but not the boys even though I act tough with them. I like playing football with Lily and her friends but other girls enjoy games like hairdressing and I don’t like that.’
Mia reached out her hand again. This time Tommy took it and she dragged him over to her.
‘Your dad meant well but he wasn’t completely right,’ she said in a quiet voice. ‘We can look after each other – and cry together. Tell each other when we are feeling down. That’s how it should be. That’s okay and normal. Like Mr Carlton says, we aren’t made of metal.’
The rest of us moved into the kitchen area, leaving Mia talking to Tommy about friendship, and how maybe the girls, not the boys, liked him because he was just being himself and not putting on a pretend tough act. I remembered what she’d said about her husband. The aristocratic life at Longbough House. The reserved stodgy background. I flicked the outdoor light on and Kit took the twins into the back garden for a game of football. The snowflakes were still small. Eventually Tommy went to the patio doors, his face red and blotchy, eyes swollen. A few minutes later Jasper and Arlo appeared. They slid open the glass.
‘Do you want to play, mate?’ asked Kit who was standing behind the boys. ‘I’m a terrible goalie.’
Tommy shrugged and looked at the floor. ‘No one really wants me to.’
‘I do,’ said Kit and looked at the twins.
‘Four is a better number to play with,’ said Arlo and looked at Jasper who nodded. Arlo held the football out to Tommy.
Tommy looked up.
No one spoke for a moment.
‘And everyone deserves a second chance. Like Mark gave me.’ said Jasper. ‘Right?’
Tommy’s mouth upturned. He hesitated before taking the ball and running outside.
37
‘I’m so sorry, Davina,’ said Mia, in the kitchen. She leant against a worktop. ‘It’s a lot to take in. I knew Tommy was having trouble settling, but this? I completely understand if this affects our friendship.’
‘Don’t be silly. It’s just such a relief to know what’s really been going on,’ Davina replied. ‘Given the circumstances… divorce must be tough enough for adults, let alone a child.’
‘That’s good of you,’ said Mia. Her face had gone red and blotchy like Tommy’s.
‘And it’s not as if his attitude to tears has come from a bad place,’ I said. ‘He honestly thought he was doing the right thing – to be the best son he could.’
Mia’s nostrils flared. ‘Just wait until I speak to his father. I’ll make sure he never puts such pressure on Tommy again, what with his old-fashioned ideas of a man being the head of the household. I mean, apart from anything else, he’s only eight. It beggars belief.’ She breathed in and out for a few moments and gave a wry smile. ‘Although I might leave it until after Christmas. Tommy is going there for Boxing Day. I don’t want this week ruined for him. And. well… my husband’s family… he didn’t have the easiest childhood either. He was sent to boarding school. Got bullied there. I suspect that’s where a lot of this is coming from. He thinks he’s protecting his son from the kind of boy, ironically, he could have turned him into.’ Mia wiped her eyes. I tore of a square of kitchen roll. She took it gratefully and blew her nose.
Davina called in the twins. They said goodbye and went out the front. Davina hugged me and Mia and followed them.
‘Good luck,’ Davina said to me and winked as we stood on the doorstep. ‘Are you seeing Ron tomorrow?’
‘He’s coming around for the money in the morning. You know, Mr Johnston congratulated me before he took his aunt home tonight, and said he couldn’t lower the rent but he’d see if he could somehow make the alterations to the building that Ron’s been requesting for months, on the cheap. I still can’t quite believe we did it. Thank
s again for supporting my ambitious idea.’
‘Congratulations on coming up with it. Although I like to think my cardboard advent calendar competition was the true inspiration.’ She grinned. ‘Oh, and ring me later if you’ve got any gossip of the romantic kind…’ She waved to me and Mia and I shut the front door.
Kit and Tommy were sitting outside on the garden chairs, deep in conversation. Mia put on her coat and hat and stared their way. Kit looked up and she quickly glanced away.
‘Mia, please tell me to mind my own business,’ I said, quietly, ‘but you and Kit… I get a feeling that…’
Heat flooded into her face.
‘God, sorry, ignore me, I’m just being rude, it’s none of my business.’ I should have just got on with filling the kettle.
‘Have I made it that obvious?’ she said.
‘No. Remember I’m a journalist and good at sniffing out stories.’
We both sat down at the dining room table. It seemed like years ago now that Cara had grabbed my sheets of typing from Davina and wine spilt everywhere. The intervening weeks had been so hectic.
‘When we first moved here, I was a bit of a mess,’ she said. ‘I was flattered that Kit showed an interest… Not in me, of course, in my son as well. I know now that he’s just that kind of person – inclusive and welcoming.’
I glanced out of the window as Kit patted Tommy’s shoulder.
‘But I took his attention the wrong way…’ Mia wiped her nose with the kitchen roll. ‘I wasn’t used to it just being me. I missed having a partner and, well, when I was still feeling rejected by my husband, Kit made me feel as if there was hope in the future for another relationship. I started to chat to him every morning. Asked him out for a drink more than once. I cringe now and know it sounds desperate.’
‘No. It sounds as if you were lonely. It’s tough getting used to being single again.’
‘In the end he was just very firm and politely spelt out there was no future for us.’ She stood up. ‘And the good thing is, having to accept I’m truly on my own, it’s beginning to make me realise that actually I can cope.’
I got to my feet and held her arm. ‘Trust me. You’ll get there. Be kind to yourself. One day at a time – when Adam first died that was my motto.’
She called in Tommy and we said our goodbyes.
Kit closed the patio doors, put on his fur trapper hat and coat and locked the patio doors for me.
‘Right, well, I… I’d better get off. I won’t be seeing you in the playground any more.’
‘No.’ I smiled brightly.
‘I’ve left my caretaking job because—’
‘Kit. Stop. I need to say something first. You see—’
‘Mum!’ called a voice from upstairs.
‘Coming,’ I called up and looked at Kit. ‘I wanted to say… I wanted to let you know that—’
‘Mum! It’s urgent.’
‘What?’ said Kit. He looked at his watch. ‘Look, maybe I should go, it’s late for Lily… you can always text.’
‘Mum. Now. Pleeease!’
I sighed. Some things just weren’t meant to be. I gave Kit a hug, not wanting to let go. ‘Have a great Christmas and good luck with your fresh start, wherever it is.’
‘About that. I’m going—’
Lily called again and he and I exchanged rueful smiles. I hurried up to see Lily who’d run out of toilet roll. When I came back, he’d gone. I walked into the lounge. Collapsed onto the sofa. Held my head in my hands.
The living calendar was over.
We’d raised enough money.
Saved the food bank.
I should have felt elated, happy and proud.
And I did. Yet at the same time, I felt as if I’d lost a million pounds.
I wanted to run after him. Ask about his new job. Get his new address.
But maybe fate was telling me it was best left alone. Kit wouldn’t be leaving if he felt the same about me. Love can’t be forced. I didn’t want him to feel under pressure. Not when he was doing so well.
Floorboards creaked and I looked up. Lily stood in the hallway in her spotted pyjamas.
‘Has Mr Carlton gone? Mum, you promised. I wanted to…’ She stopped and came over. Lily knelt on the carpet. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘Oh, nothing. The end of the calendar, I guess. It feels funny, now it’s all over.’
Lily got up and sat next to me.
‘Where’s Mr Carlton going? Will you still see him?’
‘I don’t know.’
She stared at me. ‘It’s him, isn’t it?’
‘Who?’ I frowned.
‘Mr Carlton is Father Christmas.’
38
‘What?’
‘I knew it wasn’t the real one tonight. I tip-toed to the door of the spare bedroom before it started. I’d heard noises. Through the crack I saw Mr Carlton stuffing cushions up his red jacket. Was the proper Father Christmas too busy? Is that the real reason you patted Mr Carlton’s tummy the other night and said something about a fake belly?’
‘Um… well…’
She was quite the journalist in the making.
‘It’s okay, I won’t tell.’ She hugged her knees. ‘I like Mr Carlton. He talks to children like they are equals. He doesn’t pretend to be better than us. I know you do too, Mum.’
‘Do what?’ I averted my eyes.
‘Like him.’
I got to my feet and looked at her again. ‘Yes. He’s a very pleasant man.’
She stared at me intently. ‘You haven’t read much of Daddy’s book of advice, have you?’
‘No, love, you know that. It’s private to you. Why do you ask?’
‘Near the end is a section called “Mummy”. Daddy says a list of things. Apparently, me and you might argue a lot when I’m a teenager, but I’ve got to remember that you always mean the best for me.’
I smiled.
‘He also says that one day you might meet another man. Someone you love. He wrote that he’ll always be my daddy and he’ll always be your husband. But that unlike daddies, sometimes people have more than one husband and get married again.’
Oh Adam. You were such a special person. When you were so ill, right at the end, you still took time to do what you could to make mine and Lily’s future easier.
‘He says that if you ever love another man, it doesn’t mean you love me less – and it doesn’t mean anything bad about all the love you used to have for Daddy.’
‘He’s right.’ My voice choked up. ‘But why are you telling me this, darling?’
Lily looked at me and shrugged. She stood up too. ‘Can I have some hot milk? I can help make it.’
The doorbell went and we looked at each other. Lily ran to answer.
‘Mia?’ I said when I reached the front door and wiped the corners of my eyes.
‘Sorry about this.’ She pulled down her hood. Large flakes of snow fell onto the floor. It was falling thickly now. ‘Tommy’s lost a glove. It must have fallen out of his coat pocket when he was playing football. Do you mind if we have a quick look? It’s freezing out there. Although for some reason Mr Carlton is still in your road, trudging up and down in the snow. Do you think he’s all right?’ She looked sheepish. ‘For obvious reasons, I didn’t like to go over and ask.’
‘Oh… that’s strange.’ I closed the door. Tommy and Lily started talking about all the Christmas tree chocolates they were hoping to eat on the big day. Mia squeezed around the dining room table and pulled open the patio doors. She put up her hood again.
I thought about Davina and Cara. What strong women they were. How the three of us always supported each other. The Christmas Calendar Girls. They’d never let me down. I knew when they said I needed to talk to Kit, they were right. That I had nothing to lose and if I didn’t, I’d regret it forever.
‘Look, I might just go and check on him,’ I called.
‘No problem. I’ll watch the kids until you are back.’
I went into
the hallway, slipped on my boots and pulled on my coat, not bothering to zip it up. I yanked hard on the door and pushed it behind me as I went outside into the cold.
I squinted through the darkness and snow that had already hidden the pavement. I gazed down to the right, past Ruby’s house and the one belonging to Mrs Williams.
There. By the lamp post and almost as tall. Walking to and fro. He’d pulled his hat off and was passing it between his hands like a basketball. Then he shoved it in one of his pockets. I hurried towards him, snow creaking as my shoes pressed it flat. He saw me and stopped dead. I got close enough to see the snowflakes melting into his beard.
His bedraggled hair gave him a wild aspect.
‘Mia said she saw you pacing around out here.’
‘Yes. I… I’m finding it hard to walk away.’
‘What? From Alderston and your job? The children are certainly going to miss you.’
‘Yes. No.’
I took a deep breath. Shyly took his hands.
‘Kit. I have something to say to you. And if it’s not what you want to hear… that’s okay.’ I stared into his eyes. He looked at me intensely.
‘Ever since that kiss, I’ve realised just how much you’ve come to mean to me. You let me lick cream off my biscuits. You don’t mind my silly gifs…’ I smiled nervously. ‘But more than that…’ My voice broke. ‘When Adam died, I never thought I’d meet anyone again.’
‘Fern. Don’t.’ He pulled his hands away. ‘You don’t know the truth about me.’
I took his hands again and gazed up at him. ‘I have to tell you this. After losing my husband, I simply saw my future focusing on Lily and work. Me getting older on my own. Perhaps I’d buy a cottage. Become a crazy cat lady. I wasn’t looking for another man. My heart had shattered. But then I moved to Alderston. Made friends with Davina and Cara. And then with you. We started going out as friends. Laughing. Talking. Slowly the broken pieces of my heart joined together again.’ I shook my head. ‘That kiss, Kit. It made me realise how much I’d moved on. How much I care about you.’
‘But I’ve done bad things.’
The Christmas Calendar Girls Page 24
